Girl Heart Boy: No Such Thing as Forever (Book 1) (20 page)

‘Right, well. Have a good evening!’ she said and, feeling strangely disappointed, I watched her walk
away from me down the corridor towards the staff room.

‘… So then I left another message, but he still hasn’t got back to me.’

Cass picked up a grey top with tiny silver birds sewn round the hem. She held it up against herself and raised her eyebrows.

I glanced at her. ‘Yeah. Really nice,’ I said then went back to chewing my cuticles. It was gone five. We’d been shopping for nearly two hours and I was hungry. I hadn’t asked Cass why she, Ashley and Donna were being off with me. Now I was here I realized it would have to involve sort of implicating Cass. And not only would that pretty much amount to picking a fight but it’d also be like reinforcing Cass’s place with Ash and Donna as the three of them against the one of me. So I was trying to get Cass to sympathize about Joe instead. I thought if I made him out to be a bit crap, she’d want to give me the benefit of her (considerable) experience. After all, we were still the only ones in our group with a boyfriend (or whatever).

Cass folded the top to almost its original perfection and carefully put it back in the pile. She flicked through a pile of different tops. ‘Look, Sarah, if you don’t want to be here, go home.’

I rubbed my forehead. ‘I’m sorry, Cass. I’m just really tired. I haven’t been able to sleep much these past couple of days.’

‘Yeah, you have mentioned it,’ said Cass, almost under her breath. Then: ‘What about this one?’ She held up the same top in a different colour.

I tried to do nodding with enthusiasm and sat down on the floor. She was obviously going to be a while. I fiddled with my bag strap. ‘So … I wonder if Joe will call me tonight.’

Cass closed her eyes long-sufferingly. ‘I don’t know, Sarah. It’s impossible to say. His record isn’t great, so …’

I felt a spark of annoyance. Friends were supposed to be happy to listen to each other’s troubles. I’d listened to her bang on about Adam often enough.

‘Actually, I think I will make a move.’ I leant on the wall as leverage and stood up. ‘I’ve just remembered Mum said she was making tea for half five cos Dan’s got Scouts.’

She barely even looked at me. ‘Fine. See you tomorrow.’

I tried to catch her eye, but she was apparently engrossed in comparing tops.

I felt self-conscious and strange as I walked to catch the bus, as if I was being filmed. I adopted a vague smile and hummed softly to myself. Weird
behaviour, yes, but it stopped the horrible traitorous tears that were yet again pricking the backs of my eyes.

On the packed bus I miraculously found a seat. I called Donna. She and Cass hadn’t always seen eye to eye, ever since a couple of years before when Donna had told her to her face that Adam was a cheating wanker and only a sap would stay with him. They’d had a massive row, which ended with Cass in floods of tears and Donna storming off in disgust. They’d made up soon enough – Donna had apologized and Cass had accepted it – but there was still an atmosphere. So, yes, phoning Donna wasn’t in the Top 10 of Nice Things To Do, but Cass hadn’t been very nice to me.

As always, she answered almost straight away. ‘Hey, girlfriend. Wait a sec …’ I heard vague clattering noises over the rumble of the bus. ‘Sorry, just putting the chips in the oven.’ Donna and her dad shared cooking duties, which had the power to make me feel very useless. I didn’t even know how to bake a potato. ‘Good shopping?’ she continued.

‘Not really,’ I said. ‘That’s what I was phoning about actually … Cass went all weird.’

‘Oh yes?’ That got her attention. I could picture her leaning against the worktop in the tiny kitchen, opening and shutting the washing-machine door with her toe.

‘Yeah. I was just telling her about Joe and stuff, and she basically told me she didn’t want to hear it.’

There was a pause at Donna’s end. ‘Oh.’

My stomach clenched. I was getting the impression I’d been the subject of distinctly non-favourable group discussion. But, ever the ostrich, I carried on regardless. ‘Like, how many times have I sat and listened to her go on about Adam when he’s been unfaithful?’

Donna sniffed. ‘Yeah. See, thing is, babes, most of the time she doesn’t talk about Adam. But Joe is literally all you ever talk about.’

I scratched my eyelid and flicked my hair out of my eyes, although my eye wasn’t itchy and my hair was fine.

‘… Like, have you even asked me how I am? Do you remember the last time you actually asked any of us anything about our lives?’ she went on. Even though she couldn’t see me, my face was burning. I could feel my pulse in my ears. Donna said, ‘Look, I know you hate confrontation, but that doesn’t mean you’re always right …’ She softened her tone a bit. ‘Seriously, Sar, we love you, but you’ve got to snap out of this Joe thing. We want the old Sarah back.’

I cleared my throat. ‘I’m sorry you think I’ve been neglecting you … Really sorry, in fact. But I don’t think you will get the old Sarah back …’ I took a slow
breath. I was feeling braver now, if only because I didn’t think I had anything more to lose. ‘Whether you and the others like it or not, I’ve met someone that I really like … I can’t always be boring, dependable Sarah just because it suits you.’ I took my phone away from my ear. Donna was speaking, but I didn’t want to hear any more. I pressed End Call and tucked my phone into my bag, then faced the front and clenched my hands in my lap. I just prayed that the boys still liked me.

I couldn’t eat breakfast the next morning. I thought about pretending I had a migraine and staying in bed, but I figured I had to face the girls sometime, so it might as well be today. And I didn’t want them thinking I was avoiding them. I had nothing to be ashamed of.

Even so, I waited till the last possible minute before leaving for school. I could miss registration for one day. I texted Ollie to say I’d overslept and could he tell Paul I’d gone to the loo.

He pinged back, ‘No probs xx,’ and I felt slightly better. Seemed at least Ollie was still on my side. And first period was double French, which meant I wouldn’t see the girls till lunchtime. Feeling slightly better, I managed to force down a couple of pieces of toast and Marmite.

French was listening comprehension, which took all my concentration and meant I couldn’t talk to Ollie anyway. I felt exhausted by the end of the lesson, but at least I’d not thought about anything except Mme Rochelle’s trip to Paris with her two children, Pierre and Delphine, for the past hour. I wearily shrugged on my coat and picked up my bag.

‘All right, flower?’ asked Ollie. ‘You look sad.’ And to my horror my eyes instantly filled with tears. ‘Oh no, McSarey. What’s wrong?’ He put his arm round me and I buried my face in his shoulder. ‘C’mon,’ he said, leading me out of the room. ‘You’ve got a free now, right?’ I nodded into the thick knitted fabric of his jumper. It smelled of washing powder. ‘Well, I was going to bunk off music anyway. We can be miserable together.’

I lifted my head. ‘Why are
you
miserable?’

He looked down at me briefly and smiled. ‘I’m not really.’

We ended up walking around the park near school. It was just what I needed. It was the kind of damp autumn day that somehow reminds you of brisk walks followed by tea and toast in cosy kitchens, rather than low clouds and chilled bones.

Ollie tucked my hand through his arm. ‘So, what’s up?’

I watched the mulchy leaves leaving wet marks on my boots. ‘It’s nothing. Probably quite boring.’

‘Shut up,’ said Ollie amiably. ‘I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know.’

So I told him everything. It felt brilliant to just come out with it, not to feel as if I had to edit in case I was being boring or try-hard or boasting, or whatever it was that the girls didn’t like. When I’d finished, Ollie was quiet for a while, but it wasn’t an ominous quiet like it had been with Cass and Donna. It was a thoughtful silence, as if he was letting my words find their place in the world.

‘Poor old you,’ he said, at last. ‘What a bugger.’

I laughed mirthlessly and nodded. ‘Yup.’

‘Obviously I don’t have a single piece of useful advice for you. I know jack about relationships. Especially girl relationships.’ He shook his head as if in bemusement at the weirdness that is girl interaction. I knew what he meant. We walked in companionable silence again for a while.

‘There is one thing that worries me … more than anything else, I mean,’ I said at last, after five minutes of weighing up whether or not to say it.

‘Go on.’

I bit my lip. This was it. I’d barely even asked myself this question: I didn’t dare. ‘Does Joe want to be with me? As in … be my boyfriend?’ The word sounded babyish coming from me, like in primary school when you have a boyfriend for an afternoon,
force him to play weddings, then release him back into the wild before moving on to the next game.

But Ollie didn’t seem to think it did. He stopped walking and scratched his nose. ‘I dunno, flower … He should do. You’re lovely.’ He grinned at me and I smiled back, grateful. ‘But, if you really want to know what I think …?’ I nodded. ‘I think maybe by now he’d have given you a bit more of a hint than he has done …’ He looked like he was going to say something else, but he left it there.

I kicked at a tree trunk. ‘That’s what I was afraid of.’

Ollie started walking again. ‘But, hey, that’s just my opinion. What do I know?’

I didn’t say anything, and we walked back to school in silence.

I couldn’t avoid the girls forever, so off I went to the canteen at lunchtime, my heart in my throat and my stomach in knots.

But, when I got there, only Jack and Rich were at our table. I knew Ollie had gone to the music room to find out what he’d missed during our walk, but where were Donna, Cass and Ashley? I swallowed hard. It couldn’t be a coincidence. I sat down and started unwrapping my sandwich. ‘Where are the girls?’ I asked casually.

Jack looked at Rich, who rolled his eyes and tutted, ‘They’re over there.’ He nodded behind me towards the back of the canteen, where all the Year Sevens and Eights sit. I twisted round in my seat. Yep, there were my friends, on a table surrounded by small people. I turned back and tried to feel angry. This was ridiculous. You didn’t gang up on each other at our age. But to be honest I felt exactly the same as I did when I was a kid, which is to say sick. And I was going to cry. Again. I angrily rubbed my eyes and tore a bite out of my sandwich.

‘Sarah …’ started Rich.

‘It’s OK.’ I scratched my nose and carried on eating.

But he went on: ‘For what it’s worth, we’re staying out of it.’

Jack nodded. ‘We wouldn’t let them tell us what’s going on – as far as we’re concerned it’s nothing to do with us.’

The boys looked at me earnestly, and I couldn’t help smiling at their serious faces. ‘Thanks, guys, you’re lovely.’

Rich cleared his throat. ‘But … y’know, if
you
wanted to tell us …’ He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

I shrugged. ‘To be honest, I’m not sure myself. They’re pissed off with me for talking about Joe, I know that. But it’s like, why am I not allowed to talk about him when they go on about their love-slash-sex lives as much as they want?’

Rich leant back in his chair. ‘I’m with you, babes … Although, you have been a teeny bit obsessed lately.’

Jack laughed. ‘Yeah, Joe’s like the invisible man.’ He put on a growly Hollywood movie trailer voice: ‘He rules her life, yet no one has ever seen him …’ He grinned at me, but then looked stricken when he saw my expression. ‘Shit, sorry, Sarah. It was just a joke.’

‘No, that’s fine. You’re entitled to your opinion.’ I pushed back my chair and stood up.

‘Sar, please,’ said Jack, trying to pull me down by my top. ‘C’mon, I’m really sorry.’

‘Yeah, lighten up, dude,’ smiled Rich.

I tried to smile back. ‘You’re right. I’m just a bit over-sensitive at the moment.’ I picked up my coat and bag. ‘I really do have to go.’ I shot a quick glance in the direction of the girls. Cass caught my eye, said something to the other two, then stood up and beckoned me over. I mouthed,
Sorry
, and tapped the space on my wrist where a watch would have been if I had one, then hurried out of the canteen. They were having a laugh if they thought I’d put up with being summonsed to their little court of justice.

The music room was quiet when I got there. Some lower-school kid wearing headphones was on one of the computers, fiddling around with a music program, but I couldn’t see Ollie. Then he knocked on the window of one of the soundproof booths.

Two minutes
, he mouthed, holding up two fingers.

I smiled and nodded, and sat down to wait for him. I checked my phone. No messages. Mimi had updated her Facebook status: ‘I win!!’ Pfft. How very modest.

The door of Ollie’s booth opened and he stuck his head out. ‘Sorry, flower … What can I do for you?’

I smiled. ‘Just came to say hello.’

‘Oh. Right …’ He glanced back into the booth. ‘Well, always got time for you, McSarey.’ He got a chair and parked it next to mine.

‘So. How’d it go?’ he asked. ‘All friends again?’

I shook my head and told him about Ashley, Donna and Cass taking themselves off to a different table, but left out the stuff with Rich and Jack. I didn’t want to put him in an awkward position. And, let’s be honest, I didn’t want him to side with them.

When I’d finished my sorry tale he kind of goggled at me in shocked bemusement. ‘Shit, man. Girls are mental … No offence.’

I inclined my head. ‘None taken.’

‘So, what happens now?’

I sucked my teeth. ‘No idea. They wanted to talk to me just now, but … I dunno. I didn’t want to jump when they said jump, y’know?’

‘Well, I’m just a boy and everything so obviously don’t quote me on this, but wouldn’t it be better just to have it out with them? I don’t mean, like, girlie scratch-fight –’ he paused to gaze dreamily into the middle distance – ‘mmm, girlie scratch-fight …’ I thumped him and he laughed, grabbing his arm in mock agony. ‘But seriously. Just tell ’em straight.’

I sighed. ‘I know. But what if they talk about me afterwards?’