Giving You Forever (33 page)

“Well, you should’ve gotten two,” he answers, cheeks already becoming flushed.

“Yeah, but I put them in my back pocket of my skirt and forgot to take them out when I stripped down.” I make sure I bat my eyelashes enough.

Just give me the damn key, buddy!

“Do you know your room number?”

Pressing my tongue along my top teeth, I pretend to ponder the question before biting down on my lower lip.

“No, but it’s under my brother’s name. Nolan Pratt.”

He looks at me a moment longer, probably wondering if I’m legit, but I stay in character, acting like a sleaze when I really just want to scream at him to give me that darn room number.

“Ah yes, room 203.”

“203..thank you,” I tell him, already turning to make my way to the stairs.

“Miss! I thought you needed another…”

I don’t respond. I just open the stairwell door, running as fast as I can up them.

Stepping out onto the second floor, his is the third on the right–just a few feet from where I’m standing. I pause when I get in front of it; nerves in overdrive, body becoming weak, and my breathing anything but regular. With one more deep breath, I fist my hand, raising it only inches from the door.

Just knock, Alexa. He loves you.

{knock, knock…}

Taking continuous deep breaths, I wait. I can faintly hear a television through the door, then seconds later the locks, and then it opens.

He stares in shock.

“Hi…” I’m the first to speak.

“What? How…”

“I tracked our credit card,” I whisper, voice nervously cracking.

He doesn’t speak. Just licks his lips and runs his hand through his hair.

“You weren’t supposed to come find me,” he finally says.

“I had to. I can’t breathe without you there.” I start to breakdown. “I can’t eat, I can’t—”

He cuts me off, pulling me forcefully into his chest, smoothing down my hair with his hand, kissing the top of my head over and over again with his lips.

“You can’t leave me,” I sob into his chest. “I need you.”

His body starts to tremble, and I know he can feel it, too. This is where we belong.

We belong together.

Chapter Thirty

– NOLAN –

Slowly I back us into the room, letting the door swing closed behind us.

This wasn’t how I had planned this to happen. She wasn’t supposed to find me. But fuck if I’m going to let her stand outside the door, pouring her love out for me, breaking my heart with each tear she sheds...and, oh how beautiful she looks. Even more beautiful than the picture I have placed in my head for the last few days. I can’t close the door on her. I can’t close the door on my love.

Minutes pass as we just stand there, breaking down in each other’s arms, feeling the comfort that we’ve been missing since I left. This is why I couldn’t say goodbye to her face. This is why I left a letter. I’m not strong enough. I can’t bear to witness her pain, pain that I cause her.

Providing some space between us, I hold her face in my hands, needing to explain why she needs to leave, why I’m not what she needs, but I can’t. Getting just one glimpse of those emerald eyes touching mine, every thought vanishes–every reason for not being with her disappears. She’s my reason for breathing. She’s my reason for life.

Pressing my lips against hers, I succumb. Shit, how I missed these lips. Nothing could ever feel this good–no one could ever compare. Her hands slide up my back, gripping my skin, holding me tight. I can’t let go. I can’t back down. It feels too good. Too right.

“Come home with me,” she softly whispers against my lips, making me sigh.

“I can’t.”

She takes a step back, pain covering her face.

“You’re not a bad person, Nolan. No one is punishing you. You’re not to blame.”

A swarm of emotions flood my chest. She’s wrong. So much is my fault, there’s so much to blame me for.

“Please, babe.” She reaches for my hand, looking up at me with her beautifully, sweet tear-stricken face. “Let me love you.”

Shaking my head and closing my eyes, I tell her, “It’s not that easy, love.” I open my eyes. “I’ve tried. I’ve tried to be happy, to love again, but I can’t. Bad things happen to those I love. I can’t do that to you. I love you too much. You mean too much to me.”

“No. No, you’re wrong,” she says, shaking her head. “You’re so wrong, babe. You’re not to blame. The only one blaming you is yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong to deserve the pain and suffering that you are causing yourself. You’re worthy, Nolan. I wish you’d just see it.”

Rubbing my face with both hands, I don’t get it. How can she see through this? See something that doesn’t exist.

“Just come home with me, baby. Let me help you. Let me show you how worthy you are.”

“I came out here for a reason,” I now admit.

She looks at me confused.

“It wasn’t just to leave you.” I run my hand through my hair. “It was to seek forgiveness. To finally say goodbye.”

– ALEXA –

It’s then that I remember what Kelly told me; that he’s never come here with her, that he’s never visited his parent’s grave. Maybe that’s all he needs. Maybe saying goodbye will help him heal, to realize the good man that he is.

“I know.”

He looks at me skeptically.

“I know you’ve never come here. I know why you’re here.” I take a step closer to him, making my face only inches from his. “Let me help you.”

He continues to stare, looking at me lost in thought. Thinking about the consequences, figuring out whether to trust me.

“I can help you, Nolan. You just have to let me.”

And then he gives in, holding my face, kissing me with authority, forcing his tongue inside my mouth, claiming what’s his.

And I let him.

Oh, god, do I let him.

– NOLAN –

I can’t breathe. Everything in my brain is telling me no; that I can’t put her through this. She deserves to be happy, and she can’t have that with me. Her life will be a continuous cycle of heartaches, she deserves so much better. But dammit, every ounce of my soul, every beat of my heart, every part of my body inside and out is screaming to trust her, to be with her, to let her love me, to find comfort in her words and allow myself to be happy.

Removing her mouth from mine, and resting my forehead against her, I whisper, “I trust you. Make me believe.”

– ALEXA –

Falling asleep in Nolan’s arms last night, then finding him still snug behind me this morning is heaven; a breath of fresh air. I’ve missed him so much. I’ve missed us. Even though he left me when I needed him most, I have him now and nothing feels better than having Nolan’s body wrapped around mine.

“Morning, doll,” he whispers against my neck, causing every hair on my body to stand, tickled by his love.

I turn so that I can face him, indulging in the face that I’ve cried myself to sleep for so many nights over.

Kissing his lips first, I answer, “Morning.”

Pushing my hair behind my ear and studying my face with an adoring smile, he tells me, “I love you. I love you so much.”

“More than you know,” I tell him, stealing his line, but meaning it.

He looks at me, pain stealing the smile that was just covering his face. “How can you not hate me?” I start to answer, but he continues before I can speak. “I left you. Right after we lost our baby, I left you.”

I have to swallow hard and really think about my choice of words because I did; I nearly hated Nolan for leaving me for days. For leaving me all alone to grieve about our loss by myself, but I can’t explain why or how I don’t hate him. Until he opened the door last night to me on the other side, I still had anger running through my veins, but when it came down to it, I didn’t care about the series of events leading up to it or the way I’ve felt the previous days–having Nolan back and knowing that he
is
coming back home, I take it as it is. Having Nolan in my life is all that I care about. He didn’t leave me because he wanted to. He left me because he felt he had to, for me to be happy. I know Nolan would never intentionally hurt me. I’m always his number one. He just didn’t realize that I can’t be happy without him.

“Because I know why,” I tightly grin. “I didn’t like you while you were gone. I hated that you left me, but I still loved you. I still needed you.” I cup his cheek in my hand. “I never felt so lost in my life.”

Closing his eyes, he inhales slowly. His pain is visible. His remorse is apparent.

“I don’t know what son of a bitch got it wrong giving me you, but I’m so damn happy he did,” he says after opening his eyes, looking at me so intensely that I can feel the emotion pouring out of his stare. “I love you so much, angel. I will make this up to you. Every day, for the rest of our lives, I’ll make it up to you.”

Little does he know he already has. Staring at me the way he is. Making my heart warm and so full of love, I’ve forgiven him. He did a crappy thing, but out of love; the immense love that he holds for me.

I get it.

Driving up the windy road of the cemetery, Nolan glances down at his scribbled writing, trying to figure out which one is theirs. Kelly texted him last night with their parent’s site number and where in the cemetery to find them.