Glamour (6 page)

Paige turns away from the camera to see that the other guests are still watching her. Their expressions are a mix — everything from confusion to shock to delight. Paige makes a deep bow for their benefit. The small crowd actually claps and some even cheer.

She waves her hand at the cameras. “That’s a wrap, boys. Now let’s get out of here before Brogan tries to push us all into the pool.”

We exit the pool area and congregate in the lobby, where our crew expresses relief at having finished the show in half the time expected.

“This is going to make a great show,” Alistair tells Fran. “We caught the whole thing on film.”

“That’s great,” she tells the guys. Then she turns to me. “And good job holding it together, Erin.”

“Thanks.”

“Nice recovery,” she tells Paige.

“Very nice,” I agree. “Even with those raccoon eyes, you were a class act.”

“Thanks a lot,” Paige mutters as she grabs a compact from her bag and, peering into the mirror, starts repairing the damage to her mascara.

After we get home, I tell Mom about the BBB fashion show while Paige takes a long shower.

“You girls.” Mom shakes her head as she fills a glass with water. “Such adventures!”

“Speaking of adventures,” I say, “are you getting excited about Paris?” Jon had originally planned to take Mom on an Alaskan cruise for their honeymoon, but when he heard that Paris was her dream locale, he changed his plans. Now they will spend two weeks in France instead.

“I’ve had so much on my mind lately …” She sighs. “I can hardly even think about Paris.”

“You mean because of the wedding?” I ask. “Remember, you’re supposed to rely on your bridesmaids for help with that.”

“No, the wedding is looking good. It’s work that’s been consuming me. It feels like there’s so much to get arranged before I’m gone.”

“Don’t you think Channel Five can survive without you?” I tease.

“Judging by some of the crew, you’d wonder.” She sets the glass down. “Being a producer of a local news show is demanding. Sometimes I wonder if it’s really worth it.”

“Worth what?”

“You know, the stress, long hours … all that goes with my job.” Her brow creases. “I didn’t really have a choice after your dad died. I had to take that job. But it’s hard work. And sometimes I wonder …”

“Are you thinking about quitting?” I ask.

“I’m not sure. I’d still want to work in television. But maybe I could find something less stressful. Jon’s been urging me to think about it.”

“I thought you loved your job.”

“I
used
to love it. And I was thankful to have it. But, more and more, I’m just not sure.”

“Well, after next week, you won’t have to think about it for two weeks.”

“I can’t believe the wedding is only a week away.” Mom gets a sad expression.

“Aren’t you glad?”

She takes a sip of water then shrugs. “I guess so. But I’m a little blue too.”

“Why?”

She waves her hands. “I’m going to miss this.”

“The condo?” I frown. “You’re going to miss this condo?”

She smiles. “No, silly. I’m going to miss you. And Paige. We three girls, living together.”

“Oh …” I nod. “Yeah, I’m going to miss it too.”

“You girls can change your minds and come live with Jon and me.”

I press my lips together. We’ve had this discussion a number of times already, and we always end up at the same place. Paige and I agree we’d rather live in the condo on our own than move in with the newlyweds.

“I know,” Mom says. “You and Paige need your independence.”

“We’ll visit you,” I assure her, “and you’ll visit us.”

“Yes.” She nods. “I know. It’s just hard letting go of some things.”

I go around the breakfast bar and hug her. “I know exactly how you feel. And you’re not the only one I’m losing,” I remind her. “Paige is going to get married too.”

“Oh, that won’t be for a long time,” Mom says reassuringly.

“I hope so.” I glance at the clock, surprised to see that it’s after six. “Are you and Jon going out tonight?”

“He asked, but I told him that if you girls were staying home, I would stay home too. I thought we might enjoy a quiet Saturday night together. I can order some Thai food and
maybe we can watch an old movie.” She pauses. “Unless you were planning to go to your youth group tonight.”

“I told Mollie I’d take her,” I begin. “But she’ll understand if I explain this is our last Saturday night together. I better call her.”

Mom looks relieved. “And I’ll order dinner.”

To make up for not taking Mollie to fellowship group, I call her and tell her—in detail—about everything that happened at the BBB fashion show. I get her laughing so hard she tells me to stop. “You’re going to make me go into premature labor,” she says, “or wet my pants!”

So I bring my tale to an end. “That episode should be really good,” I finally say. “I can’t wait to see the footage of Paige standing there in the pool, her hat drooping and mascara running all over the place, and her saying calmly that the water is refreshing.” We both laugh. As I hang up, I’m thinking my sister might’ve looked like a train wreck, but the girl has style.

“What’s up between you and Blake?” Mollie
asks me as I’m driving her home from church on Sunday.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, why are you avoiding him? Or is he avoiding you?”

“No one’s avoiding anyone.” I drum my fingers on the steering wheel.

“Yeah, right. I have eyes, Erin. I know they say you lose brain cells when you’re pregnant, but I’m not totally clueless. Not yet, anyway.”

“No one called you clueless.”

“So tell me, what’s going on with you two?”

“Nothing.” That’s true enough.

“Did you break up?”

“How can you break up with someone when you’re not even going together in the first place?”

“Huh?”

“Blake and I were just friends, Mollie.” I stop for the red light, wishing she would stop this inquisition.

“Were?
Meaning you’re not now?”

“No. I mean we are still
just friends.”
Okay, I’m not sure I believe that.

She gets stern. “Just tell me what happened, Erin.”

I suspect by Mollie’s tone that she’s not going to settle for any more of my double-talk. “The truth is I’m not really sure what happened,” I admit.

“Okay, then just start at the beginning.”

So I explain how I told Blake that I don’t see our relationship as being exclusive or committed … not now, anyway.

“You mean you think you’ll want to take it to the next level someday?”

“I’m not sure. All I know is that I don’t want to feel like we’re that serious.” The light changes and I try to act very focused on my driving.

“Why not?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just not ready for
serious.”

“I still don’t get it, Erin. Don’t you
like
Blake?”

“Of course I like him.” I shoot a
duh
look her way.

“Okay, then do you
love
him?”

“I do love him. But maybe there are different kinds of love.”

“Meaning you’re not in love with him?”

I think about this. “Define what that means.”

“You know what it means, Erin. When you’re in love with someone you think about him all the time. You want to be with him. You miss him when he’s gone. You don’t want to live without him. You
know.”

“Is that how you felt about Tony?” I turn and lock eyes with her for a brief moment.

Mollie gets quiet and I’m worried I’ve said the wrong thing again. All I need right now is for her pregnant hormones to start another crying jag.

“I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “I know you loved Tony. And I thought he loved you too. Maybe that’s another reason I feel confused about this whole love business. How is it possible to truly love someone—and then suddenly you don’t? How does a person just turn off love?”

“I still love Tony.”

“Oh … ?” I turn down her street, wishing I hadn’t opened this can of worms.

“And I hate him too.”

“Uh-huh?” I kind of understand this, and yet I don’t totally get it. When I’m in love—if that ever happens—I want to be
wholeheartedly
in love. I don’t want any hate mixed in.

“You
used
to love Blake too, Erin. He couldn’t have broken your heart last year if you hadn’t been in love.”

“Okay … I guess you’re right.” I pull up in front of her house, and once I put the Jeep in park I turn to face her.

“So my question is: Did you stop loving him?” Mollie asks.

“I’m not sure.” I’m also not sure I want to answer this question.

“Or are you just
afraid
to love him, because you think he’ll hurt you again?”

I press my lips together, trying to process her words. “I guess that’s a possibility.”

“You honestly
don’t
know?” Mollie frowns at me like she’s questioning my sanity, like somehow this should all make total sense. She wants it to be cut and dried, black and white. And I just don’t see it like that.

“I’m not sure,” I say again.

“Okay, then tell me this: How would you feel if Blake started dating someone else?”

“I … I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should think about it. Because Blake is a cool guy, Erin. And he’s good-looking too. I’m guessing it won’t take long before another girl comes along and sees that he’s a real catch. And maybe she’ll be ready for a serious relationship. What then?”

I take in a deep breath, slowly letting it out. “I really don’t know, Mollie.”

“I guess you’ll just have to figure it out then.”

Mollie invites me to come in, but I’m tired of this conversation and I make an excuse to go home. As I drive, I’m convinced that Mollie is blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Maybe Blake and I are both just taking a little break, putting our relationship on hold—a hiatus. What’s wrong with that?

But when I get home and find a note saying Mom and Paige went shopping, I feel inexplicably lonely. I know I could call Mollie and do something with her. But, thanks to her pregnancy, her list of interests has shrunk considerably. I actually think about calling Lionel for one of our old photography excursions, except I suspect he has a new girlfriend. I’ve seen him with Lena twice now, once at fellowship group and today at church, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. And, really, I’m happy for him. He’s a great guy, but I never could imagine getting serious about him.

Finally, I decide to take my neglected camera and just head out on my own. When I was about twelve, my dad took me to the La Brea Tar Pits and I haven’t been back there since. Today I plan to lose myself by shooting hundreds of pictures.
Thanks to my involvement in the show, my photography has suffered. I’m not even using my video camcorder as much as I used to. I rationalize that I’m getting great on-the-job training, but the truth is a part of me feels cheated.

But after an hour of shooting old fossils at the tar pits, I still feel lonely. This is the kind of place where you need someone with you, someone to talk with about these amazing things. So I put my camera back in my pack, get into my Jeep, and just sit there like a dummy. It’s like I don’t know what to do, like something is eating away inside of me, but I don’t want to acknowledge it.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself. For one thing, I’ve been thinking about the last time I came here … with my dad. And now he is gone. I should be over it, but there’s still this dull ache inside of me. Like something is missing in my life. Dad was the one who really understood me—it’s like if he were here, things would be better.

Then I consider how my mom will be remarried in less than a week. In a way, she’ll be gone too. And I don’t just mean on her honeymoon either. Oh, I know she sees it differently, but she’s moving on. She will be giving Jon most of her time now. She obviously won’t be living at the condo with us. I can’t even quite imagine how that’s going to feel. Mostly I’m trying not to think about it.

I think about Paige, and how she’s engaged. Although she doesn’t even have a wedding date yet, she feels partially gone to me as well. It’s like she’s here, but she’s not. She’s thinking about Dylan, planning for her wedding and her new life, which will most likely be in New York. Then she really will be gone.

I know it seems pitiful, but it’s like I can’t stop myself. I start thinking about Mollie, and the upcoming birth of her
baby. Naturally, she’s preoccupied. And I don’t blame her. Once her baby arrives, I’m sure she’ll be consumed by it. Even if I try to remain a part of her life, it’s going to be different. It’s like she’ll be gone too … gone from being my buddy to being someone’s mommy. I can’t even imagine it.

I’m thinking Blake is gone too. Maybe I did push him out of my life, though I don’t think I really intended to do that. I’m kind of in shock that it even happened. He’d been so patient with me and then he abruptly just walked away. Maybe he decided I wasn’t worth the effort. Or maybe Mollie is right, and another girl came along who treated him better than I did.

None of these observations make me feel better, but I think I need to face up to these things. I need to accept that I cannot control the people in my life. I can’t freeze them in time like the prehistoric animals that got trapped forever by the tar pits. People will come and go, and there’s nothing I can do about it. So I might as well get over it. Move on!

But I don’t want to let go of loved ones. And having to let go of them makes me feel like giving up completely — like, why bother to have any relationships at all? If I don’t let people get close to me, maybe I won’t get hurt. And yet that thought makes me sadder than anything. I need people.

In moments like this, only one thing makes me feel better. And that’s to pray. Which is exactly what I do. First of all, I tell God that I’m confused, and that relationships baffle me. I admit to him that my fear of getting hurt makes me want to push people away. If it’s going to end badly, why even begin? I confess to God how lonely that makes me feel. Isolated and frozen in time—kind of like those prehistoric animals. I don’t like it!