Go Your Own Way (25 page)

“I want to, I think,” Will said. He swallowed a little and slid his hands around Lennox’s waist, knocking his hands away to free Lennox’s erection. After a moment, Will took it in his hand and stroked it. Lennox jerked a little. “I’ve just—I’ve
thought
about it, but I’ve never—not even by myself.”

This time, Will was certain his face looked like a red glowing blob. Like Mars, maybe, but up-close and a lot brighter. Lennox turned and traced Will’s jaw with his hand.

“That’s all right. I do it to myself all the time. Don’t worry,” Lennox whispered. His confidence came back with a leap and Will found himself, once again, with his back on the bed and Lennox hovering over him.

A few kisses dotted his stomach and hips before Lennox’s lips brushed his cock and then sucked on the inside of his right thigh. Lennox drew patterns and circles with his tongue, flicking closer to his knee and then zipping up to the apex of his thighs. But he never lingered there, and Will—after going a little soft while they’d talked—suddenly found his cock throbbing and heavy against his belly. He tried to slide down closer to Lennox’s mouth, tried to make the contact he wanted, but Lennox was ahead of him. As soon as his tongue brushed Will’s balls, he was up on his feet and digging through the bedside drawer.

“On your back or stomach?”

Lennox tossed a box of condoms onto the bed beside Will and popped the cap on a bottle of lubricant. It was already half-empty. His mind immediately flooded with images of Lennox, on his side, two slick fingers parting his ass as they thrust into—

With a shiver, Will squirmed and took his cock in his hand, squeezing at the base to try to calm himself down.

“W-which is more comfortable?”

“Stomach probably,” Lennox said. “Unless you like waving your legs in the air. Which I won’t object to.”

Will rolled and turned his head so he could still see Lennox. A soft kiss brushed the knot of bone at the base of his neck.

“Relax and breathe.” Several more kisses ran down his spine, and then over his lower back and onto each cheek. Lennox’s hands pulled his cheeks apart and Will jumped. “All right?”

Face hot with embarrassment, Will nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t, like, s-shave or—”

“Shave? Don’t be stupid.” Lennox’s finger ran down between the halves of his ass and nudged his hole. “You’re fantastic. And so horny.”

At the press of his finger, Will jerked back, his body thrumming with heat at the sensation. He called out, and then tried to clamp his mouth shut only to yelp.

Lennox laughed. “Uh, is that a good noise?”

Feeling shaky, Will nodded and arched back. He’d never heard anything nice or overly exciting about being fingered, but his skin tingled as if little currents of electricity had just sparked through him. What Lennox was doing felt wonderful. A nice, firm pressure as his cock found friction against the bed.

“Can you try—”

A squelching sound, and then the bottle of lubricant landed beside Will’s face. Lennox filled in that space after a moment, ly­ing down beside him as his hand went between Will’s ass cheeks. The lubricant was cool against his skin. Will arched into his hand, wrin­kling his nose a little at the strange slickness as Lennox ran his fingers up and down and traced one around his hole.

Will’s breath caught at the return of the pressure, his navel pulsing with heat.

“You really like that, huh?” He kissed him slowly as his fin­ger became more insistent. Each swipe brought more pressure against his hole. The tip of Lennox’s finger dipped into the ring of muscle. Will thought his body was going to go off like a firework until the finger slipped right back out. He let out a whine that made Lennox grin. “I think you like getting finger-fucked more than me.”

“Shut up—
oh!
”

Lennox’s finger pressed back in, stretching the ring of muscle and then stilling when he had pushed through. Will panted and arched back, pushing it a little deeper. He felt a slight burn, but it faded almost at once and left him clenching around Lennox’s finger.

“Move, please.” Will gasped and tried to rock back again. “Now.”

After a moment, and a kiss on his lips, Lennox began to move, sliding his finger in to the first knuckle, then out to the tip. He pushed back in slowly, and after several even, steady thrusts, Will eased into the rhythm. As Lennox thrust his finger in, Will arched back. Within a few minutes, he was groaning with his fists curled into the sheets.

“Another,” he begged. Will arched himself up, his ass in the air and his face pressed against the pillow, as Lennox shifted down the bed. “More.”

A second finger stretched him, first with the same thrust, and then scissoring apart to hold him open. He gasped at the feeling, at how tight it suddenly felt. After a moment, Lennox brought his fingers together again and went back to thrusting. But Lennox held him open, first a little and then wider as Will relaxed. When a third finger pressed into him, Will rutted against the bed and bit the pillow to keep himself quiet.

Lennox’s fingers began to do something odd, and it was only when they crooked and began to rub that Will figured it out. A fiery jolt rippled through him in waves as Lennox’s fingers rubbed his prostate. His toes curled to find a solid grip on the bed and he head arched back.

“Shit!” He moaned as his cock twitched. “Don’t stop. I need more.”

Lennox did stop then. His fingers stilled inside of him and Will took several deep breaths to calm himself. It didn’t work very well. His cock ached, his stomach coiled tight, and with a few more crooks of Lennox’s fingers, he would come all over the sheets.

“More? Like—” Lennox’s cock suddenly rubbed against his ass.

His tone held so much concern and patience that Will didn’t even complain when Lennox’s fingers slipped out. It wasn’t what he’d expected for tonight, but Will didn’t have a single doubt about sharing himself with Lennox anymore. The few worries he’d still lingered on were like words written in the sand; they washed away with the shifting of the tides.

“Yes, I want this. I want you.”

When Lennox didn’t respond immediately, Will dug up the lubricant bottle and tossed it back to him. Lennox was quick then. He fumbled through the tangled sheets to find the condoms he had tossed aside earlier. The little box nudged Will’s hip.

“Here,” Will said. He dug them out and tore a packet open. Lennox shifted on his knees and let Will take his cock in his hand. “I’ve never, um.”

“Pinch the tip.” Will flushed again. When he’d imagined this moment in his life, he’d never pictured himself spending so much of it bright red.

Hands shaking, Will carefully rolled the condom onto Lennox’s cock. He was met with a moan and Lennox’s hips bucked forward. Lennox gripped himself, stroking and coating himself in more lubricant as he shifted back down the bed. He nudged Will’s thighs apart and settled between them.

Will raised his hips up and braced himself with his knees. Then the blunt tip of Lennox’s cock lined up with him, and after a moment, sank in. Will cried out, his body tensing as he was stretched. When Lennox’s hips pressed against his ass, they both stilled and Will took several measured breaths to relax. The burn took longer to fade this time, but Lennox was still until he was ready to move.

“Okay,” Will said. He arched back as Lennox’s hands squeezed his ass, massaging his cheeks as he began to thrust. It was slow at first, the long drag of Lennox easing himself out and then with a snap of his hips burying himself again. Will gasped, his stomach fluttering as Lennox groaned.

“Fuck, you’re tight.” Lennox pressed his hands into the bed on either side of Will’s shoulders and found his rhythm. His angle shifted with each thrust and Will tried to meet him, to figure out how to move with his thrusts, until Lennox found the angle that brushed his prostate again.

A deep moan escaped Will’s throat and Lennox thrust harder. His hand reached under Will, closing around his cock as he stroked Will in time with his thrusts. His stomach wound tight as Lennox’s hips jerked faster; his hipbones pressed into Will’s ass.

Lennox groaned and curled himself over Will. “You love this, don’t you? Love being stretched.”

Will whimpered, his ass arching higher until every thrust was against his prostate. Every hot drag was pulsing through him, coiling into a tight heat in his stomach.

“Fuck,” Lennox panted, his forehead dropping onto Will’s shoulder. “I’m close. Are you—
shit
.”

Will clenched around him, his own hand knocking Lennox’s aside to stroke himself faster. His whole body was tightening. “Fuck, harder.”

Lennox’s hips slapped forward. The heat in Will’s stomach pulsed and snapped. His eyes squeezed shut and a rush ripped through him as he came over his fist and on the bed. As his orgasm rippled through him and his muscles contracted and pulsed with warmth, Lennox gave a final hard thrust and a shout.

Panting and breathless, Will sank onto his stomach as Lennox slumped down on him. They lay there together, breathing deeply. Lennox slid out of him and rolled onto his back. A low burn settled in Will’s ass. It wasn’t awful but it was an uncomfortable, swollen feeling. Carefully, Will rolled onto his back and whined a little.

“Are you okay?” Something wet slapped against the little tin trash can in the corner. Will glanced over and saw the condom hanging half over the lip. Lennox shifted closer, kissing his cheek as he nuzzled his nose against Will’s. His hand caressed Will’s hip.

Will’s chest thumped a little faster at the concern in Lennox’s voice and touch. They shared another gentle kiss and Will knew he’d never forget that moment. The beauty and happiness staring back at him was an imprint of what Will could only hope would continue.

“I’m light years beyond okay right now,” Will whispered. He brushed a few stray curls off Lennox’s forehead and then placed a kiss there.

I love you
.

Will wanted to say nothing more, but he couldn’t bring himself to utter the words. Even now, with the trust and truth of what he’d found pressed warm against his side, it wasn’t a good idea. Lennox would be terrified, would toss him aside and that would be it. It was better to pretend they were just fooling around and have Lennox here than to admit how he felt and risk losing him.

Will yawned and rolled onto his side as Lennox curled up behind him. Lennox nuzzled his nose against the hair at the nape of his neck with a soft hum, and his hand searched out Will’s. Their fingers laced together against his chest as Will shut his eyes.

The next morning, Lennox woke up to an elbow in his ribs. Will shifted against him, his ass nudging backward as he grumbled in his sleep. Lennox stared blearily around the room before his eyes settled on the boy resting beside him. Most nights, he was a messy sleeper, tossing and flopping around to get comfortable, but last night, he hadn’t moved at all. Will’s back was still against his chest, their legs tangled around each other. They lay flush together in a way Lennox had never experienced before. Will’s head rolled back as he nestled into his arms. Their hands were joined; Will’s grip was tight where it rested against his chest.

When had that happened? The last thing Lennox remembered was rolling over behind Will as he fell asleep. He couldn’t remem­ber the blankets being pulled over them last night either. He tightened his grip and brushed his thumb along Will’s knuckles. Will’s pulse was strong and steady—Lennox could feel it all along his body.

It was quiet and simple here together. And, for a moment, Lennox caught himself smiling as he buried his nose in Will’s hair. Happy. Right now, he felt happy, and it was unbelievable after so long. It saturated him, overwhelmed him with the strength as it crested over him. This wouldn’t last. It couldn’t because it never did. For now, it could make his breath catch and his heart flutter and his entire chest ache with everything filling him up, but soon that would end. It would end because it always did.

Lennox swallowed, shut his eyes and tried to let his brain lull itself back to sleep. If he stopped thinking it, this feeling might stay or disappear before he could allow himself to care. He could drift into a peaceful dream-like reality where all his horrendous experiences evaporated like morning dew. Nothing about this feeling was familiar. The sexual encounters he’d always made impersonal and rushed were nothing like this. Under every stone he turned over, Will was waiting. Will, with his sweet smile and bold uncertainty, with his awkward fumbling and charm.

Will shifted in his arms again and Lennox pressed his face into his neck. Cinnamon and vanilla and cooled sweat. Soon enough, this would all be another memory to fill his dreams, another scent to make his eyes sting. He pressed a kiss to Will’s neck.

“Hmm, get off.” Will squirmed and his shoulders hunched up until a joyful laugh bubbled out of him. “Stop! That tickles!”

“Good morning,” Lennox mumbled.

Will wiggled and gave him the goofiest grin. “Hi.” He sighed and brought their tangled hands up to his mouth for a kiss, one on each knuckle. Lennox’s throat constricted as their eyes met. Wonder and warmth rested in Will’s gaze—that same exploding light that always hung around him. It settled around him with a jolt as if the world was slanted. No memory was as beautiful and untainted as the boy nestled in his arms right now. All he could see was him holding Will, kissing him, spending lazy after­noons with him spread out and panting beneath him until exhaus­tion brought them to moments like this one. He would spend every waking second burning that blissful smile into Will’s cheeks and—

And what?

Something heavy and uncomfortable dropped into Lennox’s stomach. Will’s hand twirled a few of his curls around, and from what sounded like a great distance, Lennox heard him speak.

“Lennox? You look—what’s wrong?”

He swallowed, letting Will roll over until they were fac­ing each other with their heads resting on the pillows. He couldn’t explain why his stomach was so queasy. Something was off-balance, a dreary rain instead of a predicted meteor shower. Len­nox watched their fingers, crossed one over the other, in a tangled, weaving pattern he couldn’t imagine unravel­ing. This feeling was right there, mixed up between them and muddled—something tangible in his gut, but not solid in the air.

“Nothing,” he said. “I’m just… admiring the beautiful boy in my arms.”

Will gave him a funny look. “A compliment from you? That’s as suspicious as Oyster pretending he’s a brown dog when there’s mud all over the kitchen, but I’ll take it.”

“I’m not—”

Will shifted closer for a soft kiss, his arms settling around Lennox this time. His stomach bubbled. Will smiled as he pulled away, and then nudged Lennox’s chin with his nose.

“Are you always this grumpy in the morning?”

Even as doubt and distrust curled around Lennox’s head, he couldn’t imagine them ending. He didn’t
want
them to. But letting it continue, encouraging this wonderful feeling—whatever it was—was only going to hurt him worse in the end. It always had before. Yet, this was different, too. It pulsed through his flesh, radiated out and into the void, moved seamlessly between them and—

And what?

“Fine, grumpy.” His fingers traced Lennox’s jaw as he snuggled closer. “I figured most people would be beaming the morning after they get laid, but—”

“That’s not what this was.”

What was it then?

“What do you mean?” Will didn’t move. He stayed right there in Lennox’s arms, content with his head against Lennox’s chest and his fingers tracing patterns from his arm to his chest to his belly.

“You aren’t—this—” Lennox grabbed Will’s hand to still it. It was too hard to talk about this, about anything he couldn’t settle in his own head, when Will was caressing him.

Caressing?

“Round two?” he suggested instead.

His hands found their way to Will’s hips as he rolled the other boy onto his back.

“Ouch.” Will hissed and squirmed until Lennox rolled off. “My butt—ow.”

“Shit, sorry, I-I was too rough last night,” Lennox stam­mered. He flopped onto his back as guilt churned his stomach and washed away the pleasantness. But that wasn’t right either. “I should have—if I’d just—”

“No, shut up, it was wonderful.” Will met his eyes, suddenly shy. “I loved last night, okay? It wasn’t, like, my picture perfect first time, but I sort of had the dumb fantasy of there being bathtub sex and with lube that would be a big, painful mess.”

Trust filled Will’s gaze and his soft smile made Lennox’s heart patter. Will leaned in for another kiss, deeper and relaxed. It was blissful to be wrapped up here with him like this, to know that Will was here and sure. He wasn’t going to leave, and nobody was going to snatch him away. Will painted Lennox’s cheeks with kisses, and then nibbled along his jaw. A hot swell rose in Lennox’s chest as they held on to each other.

Will kissed him again, gentle and slow, before pressing their foreheads together. For a few moments, they simply lay there and breathed together, caresses and warmth wrapped into their embrace.

He would always be right here with Will. They would always have these quiet moments that nobody else could see or steal away. Nothing would prevent him from holding on to Will and this bond and—

This was love, wasn’t it?

Love was this jubilant crescendo rising through him like music only beginning its long, ascending journey off the page. It swelled through his insides, guiding him along and easing him into safety. His existence had not been gentle, yet so much of his life seemed caught up in gentleness now.

Will blinked at him, a soft smile gracing his lips as he brushed his fingers over Lennox’s side. “You might have to carry me to classes today. My ass is so sore.”

“Yeah? Maybe my tongue can work some magic on it,” Lennox suggested.

“Or maybe a nice hot bath will.” He gave Lennox a playful tickle on his ribs. “Because your tongue is going to end up being your dick and I don’t need Karen dragging me into the ER for an anal examination because I can’t walk.”

“Fine. Next time, though—”

But Lennox stopped there. He was already planning out other times, new positions and places his mouth hadn’t become familiar with.

“Fuck.”

He was in love. He was shit-faced, ass-over-his-head in love.

“What?”

The front door nudged open, only a few inches, but the door still creaked as a pale hand slipped inside, holding an envelope. Just as quickly, the hand retreated and the door snapped shut.

“Who was that?”

They both sat up, Will clutching the blanket to his chest, his eyes darting around as though he expected the walls to cave in. Lennox, however, had seen the sparkling, chipped yellow nail polish and the worn leather bracelet. He stared at the envelope, but in the dark, he couldn’t make out anything besides its size. It was the kind of envelope birthday cards came in, but it couldn’t be one. Lucy didn’t know he was nineteen today. The only person in this town who knew was right beside him.

“Lucy.” Lennox stood. He shivered as the cool November air painted goose bumps on his chest. It was freezing away from Will and the warmth they’d captured in the bed. “I guess our mail got mixed up again.”

Not that Lennox ever got any mail. His grandparents were glad to be rid of him, and his sister didn’t have his new address. Everyone else he cared about was right here in this lot. He plucked it up and hurried back to the warmth of the bed.

It
was
from Lucy, but not the Lucy next door. His grandparents’ address was printed on the left corner under his sister’s name, whereas the middle of the envelope was devoted to his address, with one small error: 6B was written as the room number instead of 5B. Will looked over his shoulder.

“Why did she send it through the mail?” Will asked. “She lives next—hang on. Lucy McAvoy. Is that—”

“My sister,” Lennox said. He swallowed and flipped it over. It was sealed with a soccer ball sticker. His mind whirled as Will’s arms wrapped around his waist. How had she done this? If either of their grandparents found out, they’d think they were writing to each other, and then he’d be moved again. Or Lucy would be sent off somewhere far away.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” Will’s chin rested on Lennox’s shoulder, but he sounded as unsure as Lennox felt.

“I—m-maybe later.” If he opened it, he’d want to write back, but he couldn’t. The letter would never reach her. His grandmother always checked the mail as soon as it was delivered while they were still at school. Lucy would never get any reply he wrote. It would be in the garbage before she stepped off the school bus.

“I think you should,” Will said, his voice strong. “It’s a birthday card. I mean, you and her get along, right?”

Lennox gave a jerky nod, but the envelope trembled in his hands. Slowly, Will eased it out of his grip and opened it, taking care not to rip the sticker. Lennox snorted at the card. Puppies and flowers. At least that much hadn’t changed.

On the card were two puppies, one with its nose buried in a flower while the other sneezed. “‘Allergies can be
ruff
!’” Will read with a giggle. He flipped it open. “‘But this birthday won’t be! Happy Birthday, big brother!’ Aw, that’s adorable. I guess you have allergies?” Will asked as Lennox’s gaze dropped to the handwritten part at the bottom.

So I know you can’t come back to visit, ‘cause Grandma says you’ve got the Devil in you or something, but I snuck into Grandpa’s office and found your new address. I hope I got it right. He spilled coffee on the room number. I miss you lots and I hope you have a good birthday even though I’m not there. And let’s face it: any day is lame without me. Will you find a way to visit soon? Grandpa said once you graduate I might get to see you, but I’m not sure I believe him. They’ve been arguing about it a lot lately. Maybe you can come around for my birthday in March? I want to go ice skating at the rink in town, but Grandma keeps telling me I can’t ‘cause my leg won’t support me. Like I need two fleshy legs to ice skate. I’ll just skate on one.

Oh, I sent a picture along, too. It’s from summer camp with me and Alice after we won the four-legged race. They didn’t want to let me enter, but I weaseled my way in.

I love you a ton and miss you even more!

Happy Birthday,

Lucy

Will pulled the little photograph out of the envelope and Len­nox only caught a glimpse before looking away. There she was: older, taller, with her wiry curls several inches longer, and a smile full of big crooked teeth. The last time he’d seen her, she’d only had a big gap there. She was hoisting her prosthetic leg over her head. Another girl had her arm around Lucy’s shoulders, but Lennox didn’t recognize her. What kind of brother didn’t know his sister’s friends?

“How old is she?”

“Nine? No, ten.” Lennox frowned at the picture. He’d missed too many birthdays. “Yeah, she’s ten now. Eleven in March. We don’t look a lot alike.”

“Sure you do,” Will said as his arms tightened around Lennox. “Same hair and nose. Hazel eyes, too. Her skin’s darker, but that happens at summer camp.”

“She looks more like Dad.”

“What, um, happened to her leg?” Will asked as Lennox stuffed the card and picture back into the envelope. “That is her leg she’s holding over her head, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, she was born that way. Her leg didn’t develop right, so she didn’t really have one at all. It kept getting infected, so they operated to remove part of it when she was a baby. Gave her a pros­thetic so she could walk. She likes to take it off and swing it around. Drives our grandparents nuts,” Lennox explained. “They wanted normal grandchildren, not a delinquent and a handicap.”

“But you two
are
normal,” Will said in disbelief. “I mean, sure you’ve caused trouble, but you’re—”

“A fuck-up,” Lennox said. “I wouldn’t be normal for them no matter how much of a model grandson I was, so it doesn’t matter.”

“You aren’t a fuck-up,” Will said. “You’re you and so much better than whatever they think.”

“My criminal record proves otherwise,” Lennox muttered. “In fact, it would beat you black and blue in court.”

“So would your neighbors, but that doesn’t make them right,” Will countered. “You are better than that. Even if you don’t see that, I do.”

The soft certainty in Will’s words made Lennox’s chest hurt. Nobody had faith in him anymore. Lucy had, but the faith she had was in things that would never happen, in the brother he could no longer be for her. He couldn’t write back and their grand­parents would never let her see him. His mother must have believed in him, once, but he couldn’t remember that. He only recalled birthdays, afternoons at the piano and that last day, when he’d walked into their bedroom and found her cold and stained on the floor.