God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible (20 page)

The Philistines had a secret weapon in the form of a nine foot tall giant, his name Goliath. (Yes, it does state the equivalent of nine foot tall in the narrative.) Goliath sported a bronze helmet and wore a coat of scaled armor and if you were to envisage a fighter as depicted in the movie ‘Gladiator’ then you are not far off picturing Goliath’s battle ready outfit.

“On his legs he wore a bronze greaves and a bronze javelin was slung on his back. His spear shaft was like a weaver’s rod and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels. His shield bearer went ahead of him.” (1 Samuel 17:6-7 NIV)

No doubt the sight of a nine-foot man armed to the max, scared the bejesus out of the 4’5” average height Israelites on the other side of the valley. Sensing their fear, Goliath stepped forward and shouted across to the ranks of the Israel:

On hearing this cock-sure taunt backed by his huge physical presence, that has him a good foot taller than the Guinness Book of Records holder for world’s tallest man, caused the Israelites to brown their lambskins. Rightfully, they were terrified.

Goliath continued to harangue the Israelites with the same challenge every morning and every evening for forty consecutive days. And the Israelites had no man amongst them willing to offer himself as Goliath fodder. Up to this point, David had not been on the front line, as he was back helping with supplies, but on the forty-first morning David came to say hello to his brothers who were facing this daunting monster of a man every day. Whilst visiting the front line, David heard Goliath throw down his challenge and was dismayed that not a single Israelite was brave enough to stand up to the Philistine. David asks the men standing near him:

Again, if I was to fight a nine-foot behemoth, I’d hardly be bothered by what model penis he was sporting, but hey each to their own, I guess. In fact, if forced to fight a death match, I’d prefer him to have no penis. Regardless, David approached Saul and expressed his eagerness to fight Goliath, but Saul rejected:

David pleaded his case stating that he had killed lions and bears that stalked his sheep, with his bare hands. His logic being that if he could kill a wild vicious animal, then, an uncircumcised man would be a cinch. Saul gave into David’s persistence and told him that the Lord would be with him.

Saul dressed David in his own armor, but due to the fact that David was just a boy his elder’s garb fell off his diminutive frame, so he took it all off. Refusing to even use Saul’s heavy sword, David began fumbling through the dirt in search of just five smooth stones. Once found, he placed the stones in his shepherd’s bag and approached Goliath ready for battle.

Goliath was ready and waiting, but was shocked to learn that the Israelites had chosen just a small boy to challenge him. Goliath became incensed in the belief that the Israelites were mocking him. Goliath, thumping his chest, called out to David:

David, now standing in front of Goliath, who was nearly triple his height, said to the Philistine:

Goliath, upon hearing such an audacious prediction from this diminutive lad, almost fell backwards laughing but when the laugher stopped it was replaced by furious anger and the giant moved forward to attack David, but the little fella had a plan. He reached into his pouch that contained the stones, placed one within the leather holder of his slingshot and as the Philistine giant got within swatting distance, David launched the stone and it lodged into the forehead of Goliath, killing him instantly. One stone – one kill! David stood above the fallen giant, grabbing him by his mane of hair, and then severed his neck so that he held his victim’s head aloft in victorious celebration.

The Philistines witnessing their hero defeated, quickly fled in retreat and the war was won. David was subsequently promoted to a high rank within the army.

Saul’s fondness for David soon evaporated, as he became consumed with jealousy upon their successful homecoming. The locals of their town rushed the streets with singing and dancing, and as they danced they sang:

Saul became incensed that a boy would be credited with greater accomplishment by the Israelites over their King. And if God can’t get over the pitiful emotion of jealousy, what hope had Saul? And this jealousy gnawed away at Saul like a festering wound, but he remained scared of David because he knew full well that God was by David’s side.

Saul then plots to kill David and tries unsuccessfully on numerous occasions. One plot involved Saul convincing his own son Jonathon to perform the treacherous deed, but Jonathon was fond of David and he could not go through with it. On another attempt, Saul took matters into his own hands and whilst David was playing his harp, Saul grabbed his spear in an effort to pin David to the wall with it, but at the last second David saw him coming and eluded death once again.

David continued to grow in stature and played key parts in various other battles and with this success came the increased adoration of the Israelites, and the scorn of Saul who is now hell-bent on destroying the future king.

Saul had returned home from slaying more Philistines and was told that David was camped in the Desert of En Gedi. So, David took more than 3,000 of his men with the intention to murder David there. At this point, God forewarned him of Saul’s intentions and he hid in a cave. As Saul entered the cave, David crept up behind Saul unnoticed and as he was about to drive his weapon into the back of his one-time mentor, he could not allow himself to go through with it and he allowed Saul to live sparing his life. Saul threw himself to the ground and wept, saying:

Saul’s humility and grace did not last long, as he continued to hunt down David in the days, weeks and months that followed. David growing tired of continually running from Saul decides to take 600 of his men and move into the land of the Philistines, rationalizing that Saul would never think to look for him there. Thus David and his two wives packed their bags, (It’s good to be the king!) and settled in a town called Gath. When Saul learnt that David had fled to Gath, he no longer hunted him.

In Israel versus Philistine battle 43, or so it would seem, the Philistines smash the Israelite army that is led by Saul. Saul’s sons are killed in action and an arrow too critically wounds him. Fearing that the Philistines will have their way with him with their uncircumcised penises, he draws out his own sword and falls on it, ending his life and his reign over Israel.

Samuel 1 Count: 4,000

God puts a spell on the Philistine army that forces them to kill one another = 1,000.

God commands Saul to kill every single Amalekite citizen = 2,000.

God ensures another defeat of the Philistines = 1,000.

Cumulative Count: 31,740,532

Allan Dennett

With the death of Saul, David officially becomes the new King of Israel, and in a further display of decency he calls for a national week of mourning for the fallen, flawed king and his son Jonathon. David wrote a lament that was to be read to all citizens of Israel:

All the tribes of Israel gathered at Hebron to rejoice in the rise of David to king. The people said to him:

David was thirty years of age when he became king of Israel.

David led his men to the city walls of Jerusalem, whereby they were warned that they would never have the military strength and resources to overthrow the Jebusites who resided there, as their army was far superior. Despite this warning, the Israelites took siege of the city with little more than renegade resistance offered by the Jebusites. With victory secured, David took up residence in the fortress before somewhat narcissistically renaming Jerusalem as the City of David. Well, why not really?

The King of Tyre sent building materials including cedar, stone and workers to build a palace for David within the city. David was obviously basking in his success and status, and like any good rockstar would, he took dozens of sex slaves from the city and made them his own. Before long, he had dozens of sons and daughters from multiple wives.

Whilst David was busy enjoying the sexual fruits of his toil, the Philistines were always busy in the background just itching for another fight with the Israelites. There should be a picture of a Philistine under persistence in the dictionary, because these guys just never quit. Meanwhile, whilst David was ‘balls deep’ amongst his harem, he receives a memo that the Philistines had amassed their forces at the Valley of Rephaim. David escalates the matter to God, and God replies with a Patton-like strategy:

David did as ordered by his celestial Commander in Chief, and the Philistines were carved up in their thousands, as God struck them down all the way from Gibeon to Gezer.

The Ark was brought from Abinadab to Jerusalem, and the Israelites celebrated with full gusto upon sight of the Ark entering the city. They danced wildly in the streets and no one partied harder than King David on this day, in what can only be described as a bizarre demonstration of rejoice by a king, as David removed all his clothing and danced naked amongst the entire populace of the city. For a moment, I tried to imagine Queen Elizabeth doing the same, but promptly deleted that troubling mental image from my mind. The horror!

Saul’s daughter Michal is the only one it seems who took offence at the sight of a naked, dancing king with his pecker flying all over the place and she let rip with a verbal barrage for his indignant display, which prompted the following terse response from David: