Goddess for Hire (18 page)

TAHIR WAS
just being a bitch.

He'd come around.

The little voice inside me, covered in dirt, crawled up from the hole and tried to say something. I clubbed her over the head for good measure and pushed her back in with my foot.

I was never one to subscribe to that sacrifice-everything-for-your-family Indian shit. Unfortunately I'd fallen in love with a guy who did.

What I didn't get was why Pinky was so opposed to my relationship with her son? She and Aunt Dimple had made the match in the first place. It couldn't just be because of the vomiting.

I had a sudden sneaking suspicion.

Picking up the cordless by my bedside, I dialed Aunt Dimple. “Tell me more about your lunch at McDonald's with Pinky,” I said by way of greeting.

My aunt was eating and talking at the same time, and her reply was unintelligible.

“Aunt Dimple, can you not eat for a few minutes please?”

“But I'm hungry,” she cried. “All morning I have been running around buying candles and incense and sandalwood—your mother has me doing all the hard work—I only had time for toast and egg in the morning. And then a Cinnabun and chocolate milk shake at the shopping mall.”

“I'm sorry. But I need to know if Pinky really agreed to my match with Tahir.”

Aunt Dimple was silent.

I rubbed my forehead. “I won't get mad.”

“Well,” my aunt said slowly, “she liked your picture. She thought you were very pretty. She was happy you lived with your parents and not on your own doing God knows what. The age factor was appropriate—I had lied about that, you see, because you look so young—”

“It's okay,” I assured her. “Go on.”

“But she wanted a girl born and raised in India, with Indian values.”

“I knew it!” I couldn't keep the triumph from my voice. “I knew you lied!”

“I did not lie,” Aunt Dimple protested. “I wanted the two of you to meet because I knew it would be love at first sight. And it was, no?”

Not.

She continued. “I spoke to Tahir. I told him he had to meet my niece Maya.”

“Told or begged?” I asked.

More silence.

I closed my eyes. “Forget it. What's done is done. I just wanted to clear things up.”

“But Maya, you're a goddess! It is most auspicious to have a goddess in the family. Pinky will surely see that. Better than having a daughter-in-law who can cook and organize the household.”

“Good-bye.” I hung up.

I sat back against the pillows. So that explained it. Aunt Dimple had fudged the facts. Tahir's mother had never approved of me in the first place. She'd probably told Tahir to at least meet me just to make my family happy, and he'd agreed because we were providing him with room and board.

None of that mattered now. I had no intention of trying to win Pinky over. It was an impossible task anyway. Tahir had to choose. His mother or me.

I had a sick feeling I already knew the outcome.

I wanted to wallow in my thoughts. I wanted to burrow under the blankets. I wanted to be alone.

My bedroom door banged open, and Ram rushed in.

I shrieked and pulled the sheet up to my chin. I was wearing a thin white cotton tank top that skimmed my ass, and no bra.

“Rise and shine,” Ram said happily.

“This is highly inappropriate,” I snapped.

He waved his hand. “Bah. Every day the beautiful ebony statue of Kali-ma is undressed and bathed in milk by the chosen priests of our temple. At night she is dressed again.”

“I'm not a statue, Ram!”

“That is true.”

“What do you want?”

He sat on the edge of the bed. “I have found a most worthwhile organization. They rehabilitate snakes that were mistreated or abandoned as pets and release them into nature. You and I shall pay them a visit this afternoon.”

“Snakes? Snakes give me the creeps—anything with scales does.” Including Tahir's mother.

Ram wagged his finger at me. “Snakes are good luck. They are worshipped in India.”

“I thought snakes were considered an omen,” I argued.

“Some worship snakes, some fear snakes, it is essentially the same thing,” Ram countered.

It might have been the afternoon, but it was still too early for me to try and make sense of what he just said.

“I'm not going, Ram.”

He wagged his finger even harder. “A goddess must take care of her children. She must give back to the community. Half of what you are given must in turn be bestowed on those who need it.”

“Fifty percent!” I sat up and the sheet dropped to my waist. Ram's eyes widened, and I quickly lifted it up again. “You want me to give half my money away? Christians only give ten percent! I need this money, Ram, and I'm not giving it away. Especially not to a couple of snakes! I'm buying a condo.” I folded my arms and stared at him stubbornly.

Ram sighed and sat up. “I cannot force my will on yours. I will go alone. There is much you still have to learn, and it is clear I will not be the one to teach you. I have failed.”

“Come on, Ram—” I began, but he had already left.

I got out of bed. Ram had left the bedroom door open, and I went to close it when a burly red-faced man in overalls walked down the hallway. “Can someone tell me where to set up the new altar?” He looked at me, and his eyes bulged.

“Oh, grow up,” I snarled, and slammed the door in his face.

BY DINNERTIME
Ram still had not returned.

My mom nervously tore her chapatti to shreds. “What should we do? Why didn't I give him my cell phone?”

I got up from the table. “I'm sure he's fine.” It was time for me to start getting ready. First, a long soak in a tub filled with milk, almond oil, and rose hips.

My dad pushed back his chair and burped. “Maya's right. After all, if something had happened to Ram, she would have sensed it.”

Umm.

This wasn't the time to inform my parents as to the extent of my powers. I'd spent enough years being a disappointment as a daughter. I didn't want them seeing me as a disappointment as a goddess.

My dad was scooping out a bowl of vanilla ice cream and my mom was heaping more food onto my brother's plate. In an Indian household the son is forbidden to have an empty plate. Samir rubbed his stomach and looked faintly ill.

No one was looking at me, so I turned around and quickly called the Goddess Within.

I tried to zero in on Ram like I'd done with my parents. I didn't feel anything.

Huh.

Well as long as the feeling wasn't bad, that was good, right?

I went up to take my bath.

 

I stepped out of the tub, tying the towel around me when my mom ran into the bathroom.

Seriously, did anybody ever knock around here?

Then I noticed her pale face and the phone pressed to her chest. “What's wrong?”

“There was a call,” she gasped. “An accident.”

I could feel the coldness seeping into my chest. “Ram?”

She nodded. “He's at the hospital.”

I DIDN'T
GO to the hospital.

I made the excuse about needing to stick around in case any worshippers showed up.

The truth was I couldn't face Ram.

I should have gone with him to that stupid snake farm or wherever the hell he went. I should have protected him.

I could just imagine the conversation my parents and brother were having in the car. “Why didn't Maya
see
this? Why didn't she prevent this?”

What was the point of going to the hospital anyway? It wasn't like I could heal him.

I flopped down onto the couch and buried my face in my hands. I knew who was behind Ram's “accident.” I should have annihilated him when I had the chance.

Ugh.

The malevolence hit me at the same time the phone rang.

It was Sanjay.

If he was calling collect, I'd vanquish him.

I ran to the kitchen and grabbed the phone in midring. “Sanjay, you bastard, what'd you do to Ram?”

“How does it feel, when you can't even protect the people around you?” he questioned smugly.

Rage boiled up inside me. “He's an old man. And he's your cousin!”

“He's a damn nuisance,” Sanjay spat. “He was always criticizing my apartment.”

“I will find you.”

Sanjay laughed. “I overestimated you this whole time. Now everyone will know what a joke you are.” He laughed again.

“Are you going for that whole maniacal laugh thing? 'Cause your voice is far too nasal to pull it off,” I pointed out.

“You'll never find me,” he said coldly, and hung up.

I quickly punched star sixty-nine. The automated voice informed me that although the service was working…blah blah blah.

I stood there, closed my eyes, and tried to zero in on Sanjay. I strained so hard I nearly burst a blood vessel in my brain.

Nothing.

When the doorbell rang I ignored it—I knew it was an
early devotee—and went upstairs to my room. I retrieved the slip of paper Tahir had given me.

 

Indira Bhatia

GBS Syntex

 

Maybe there was still a chance to redeem myself.

I only hoped it wasn't too late.

BY
7:00
A.M
.
I was in the car and headed toward GBS Syntex in Tustin.

Well, technically, I stopped off at Starbucks for a vanilla latte first, and then had to wait in a long line with a bunch of morning commuters.

So by seven-thirty I was on my way to Tustin.

I'd gotten the directions off Map Quest, and the tall glass building was hard to miss. I parked and noticed that half the cars had Cal Tech bumper stickers. I passed through the entrance and skirted a group of nerds to get to the circular reception desk. “Can you tell me where Indira Bhatia's office is?”

The young woman frowned. “Ms. Bhatia no longer works here.”

The news hit me like a blow. I felt faint. “Are you sure?”

“She quit.”

“When?” I whispered.

“Yesterday was her last day.”

I reached for one last straw. “Do you have a number where I can reach her? An address? Do you know if she started another job? Please, I'll take anything you can give me.”

Her frown deepened. “I'm not allowed to divulge such information, but it doesn't matter because I don't know. She wiped all her personal information from the computer database, which really messed up the system. Now I'm going to get stuck after work uploading all the new stuff and—”

I turned away. The hope within me died.

There was no point trying the Goddess Gaze, the receptionist was telling the truth.

If only I hadn't waited. If only I'd listened to Tahir.

But not about his mother.

Navigating through a cloud of failure, I trudged back to my car.

Nadia was right. The human race was doomed.

All because of me.

I SAT ON
my favorite stretch of beach.

Thank God it was winter. I couldn't imagine wallowing in misery with chattering children building sand castles nearby and horny teens rubbing suntan oil on each other.

I had decided to give up my dharma.

I wasn't going to do the goddess thing anymore.

I'd get a normal job like normal people and stop off at Starbucks at a normal hour and develop normal ulcers and die with all the normal regrets.

Kali could be reborn as someone else next time.

My worshippers would have to find someone else to idolize.

Of course my Malevolent Meter would still go off, but I'd have to learn to ignore it. In the beginning it would be hard, but if that guy in
A Beautiful Mind
could turn his back on all the voices in his head, then I could turn my back on malevolence.

Maybe it wasn't the right or moral thing to do.

But it was right for me.

Before I knew it I was crying.

Tahir had never called. I had thought he would. He and Nadia were probably consoling themselves together, both of them running down my list of faults, with Tahir's mother jumping in every time they forgot something.

I'd been so close. I had Tahir. I had Ram. I had a house filled with people who adored me. I had money and gifts. Nadia was the family leper. In short, my life for one happy moment had been perfect.

A perfect sham.

My parents were proud of me, for what? I hadn't accomplished anything. They were proud of me for something I had no control over. Like being proud of a child because he or she has beautiful red hair or amazingly green eyes.

Where was the value in that?

I hadn't even tried to take Ram seriously. If someone else had been in my place, she would have unlocked her full potential. She would have become the Goddess Within, instead of having to call her up all the time. Now Ram was lying in the hospital.

And what about Tahir? I'd insulted his mother to his face. Sure, Pinky made Endora on
Bewitched
look like the ideal mother-in-law, but Tahir loved her. I should have respected that.

Tahir was better off without me.

Had there even been anything “real” between us? All we had was sex.

Really good sex.

Unbelievable sex.

I mean the orgasms were just…

Anyway.

With regard to my poor worshippers, what had I done for them? I hadn't listened to any of their problems. I hadn't eased the burden of living or anything.

And I'd turned my back on the snakes in need.

Sanjay was right. I was a joke.

A celestially spoiled brat.

I lay back on the sand and closed my eyes. I was going to lie here until the tide came in and swept me away. Suicide was the answer.

Good-bye.

 

A seagull flew by and crapped on my face.

My eyes flew open, and I looked down at my watch. Barely an hour had passed.

I sat up and gazed at the ocean. Either I'd have to move closer to the water, or I'd have to scrap the suicide plan and go home.

I stood and headed back to my car.

Across the street was a small park with a playground and picnic tables. Three of the tables were overflowing with Hare Krishna Hippie Freaks. Their orange robes reminded me of Ram.

Ram…

I could feel the tears building up again.

A few of the Hare Krishna men were crossing the
street and heading toward the beach. One of them stopped and smiled at me. “The Universe doesn't make mistakes,” he said.

“What?”

“Think of all the planning it took just so you and I could smile at each other in the middle of the street.”

“I'm not smiling.”

Smiling even wider, he cocked his head. “Did you know that you have bird sh—”

“Yes,” I said curtly.

“Okay then.” He waved. “Have a blessed day.”

I watched him walk away.

The Universe does not make mistakes.

Huh.

And then it hit me.

Just like that.

No bells. No whistles. No eons spent under a tree communing with nature. Just instant clarity.

The Universe in all its infinite wisdom had chosen me. The same Universe that created the Pacific Ocean, and redwood forests, and puppies with oversized paws, and kids with gap-toothed smiles and vodka and Johnny Depp.

And me.

I wasn't a failure. I was divine.

I'd been given this dharma. I'd been chosen for a reason.

The Universe does not make mistakes.

Maybe someone else could do the job better.

Tough shit.

I'm the one the Universe chose.

And then I did something I'd been too afraid to do before. I called the Goddess Within. Pulled out my compact.

And looked in the mirror.

Nothing scary. Just me.

Covered in bird shit.

But me all the same.