Grasshopper Glitch (2 page)

“Where are the seat belts?” asked Josh looking left and right.

“It's a classic car, Josh,” said Petty. She ground the gears as the engine coughed into life. “They didn't always put in seat belts back in 1966. Just hang on tight. I'm not going to crash.” She turned around and put her bag in between them on the seat. She creased her face into what she probably thought was a reassuring smile.

Petty Potts's reassuring smiles never really worked somehow. Danny grabbed on to a little leather strap above the window. He narrowed his eyes at her.

Josh did the same.

“Oh, for heaven's sake, you two!” she huffed. She turned back and started to drive up the road in a lurching fashion. “You might have a little faith in me. I'm not going to kill you!”

Danny and Josh raised identical eyebrows at her in the rearview mirror. Petty had never
tried
to kill them, true. But she had certainly brought them closer to a bizarre and grisly death than any other grown-up they knew. They'd stumbled into a secret underground laboratory hidden beneath her garden shed. And they'd come close to being crushed, drowned, splatted, pecked hollow, swatted, mummified, and eaten. More times than they wanted to remember. Petty might
look
like a nice old biddy, but she was the genius inventor of SW.I.T.C.H. spray. It could change you into a creepy-crawly with just a few squirts. Josh and Danny had already been transformed into spiders and flies. And that was really quite enough.

Naming her
Serum Which Instigates Total Cellular Hijack
“S.W.I.T.C.H.” made it sound rather fun. And it was. If you didn't mind getting eaten, drowned, turned into soup, or splattered with a giant sandal.

“Any more side effects from your housefly adventure?” Petty called back, cheerfully, over the rumble and clunk of the fifty-year-old engine.

“No. We've stopped sniffing around the trash can now,” said Josh. “And Danny hasn't spat on a doughnut or tried to walk up the kitchen window since last Tuesday.” He sighed and then grinned to himself. Being a bluebottle
was
very exciting. Even Danny had loved it. Well, apart from the bit when he'd been on the lunch menu for a hungry spider.

“Good, good, good,” said Petty. “You know, I thought it was a disaster when you two first accidentally ran into a jet of my Spider S.W.I.T.C.H. spray. But actually it was the best thing that could have happened. If you hadn't found your way into my secret lab, I might never have moved on from trying to S.W.I.T.C.H. rats and dogs!”

“Er…thanks,” muttered Josh, raising his eyebrows at Danny. He was shaking his head and looking annoyed. The dog Petty had been trying to spray was
their
dog, Piddle. It was when they were rescuing Piddle that they had first got caught in a jet of Petty's S.W.I.T.C.H. spray.

“And of course, rats could never tell me what the experience was like!” went on Petty. “And you two are so helpful! I'm so delighted you've agreed to be my assistants on the S.W.I.T.C.H. project.”

“Look—we just said we'd help you out by looking for your missing cube things,” said Josh. They reached the traffic lights near their school.

“We're
not
trying out any more S.W.I.T.C.H. sprays!”

“I never asked you to!” protested Petty. She looked all innocent and injured. “And finding my missing cubes is absolutely the most important thing. Without them I will never be able to rediscover my formula. Or be able to move on to turning things into reptiles. And you'll never get the chance to find out how it feels to be a giant python or an anaconda or a Komodo dragon!”

“We don't want to find out!” squawked Danny. “Haven't you heard us? Being turned into other creatures is just too dangerous!”

“Yes, of course, of course…” Petty smiled ferociously into her rearview mirror. “Although I can't imagine how anyone could hurt you if you were a twenty-four-foot python!”

Danny and Josh looked at each other. There was just the faintest twinkle of excitement in Josh's eyes. He thought about Petty's promise. If they could find the last four missing cubes that held the secret of the REPTOSWITCH spray, she would be able to temporarily turn them into amazing reptiles. Josh loved wildlife—being a lizard or a snake would be incredible! The BUGSWITCH was amazing enough but a REPTOSWITCH? It would be hard to resist trying
that
spray out. And nice to be less easy to eat or squash! This was a definite downside to being a creepy-crawly.

“Josh!” hissed Danny, narrowing his eyes at his brother. “Don't even
think
about it! You don't even know she's telling the truth! She's as fishy as fish fingers in fish sauce in a fish-shaped dish!”

Josh had to admit Danny was right. Petty claimed some pretty crazy things. She had the BUGSWITCH sprays figured out. But she insisted a man who had worked with her had stolen the rest of her research. She said he even burnt out bits of her memory. She'd forgotten where she'd hidden the special glass cubes that contained the secret REPTOSWITCH formula. That was why she needed their help to find them. And they
had
found one.

“We have been looking for your cubes,” Danny was saying. “And we will keep looking for them. But don't think you'll ever change us into anything again. Not unless we agree to it!”

“Well, of course not! What do you take me for? Some kind of monster?” huffed Petty. “I would never dream of such a thing. But…I just wanted to tell you that I think I have perfected a S.W.I.T.C.H. potion now. You can
drink
S.W.I.T.C.H. instead of spray it on. It'll have the same effect.”

“We're not drinking anything!” declared Josh.

“Of course you're not. But if you ever
did
, it's all quite safe. Look, there's a S.W.I.T.C.H. antidote potion too! I made it just in case drinking S.W.I.T.C.H. makes the changes last longer than the spray. It gets right inside, of course, so it probably lasts longer. But the antidote can stop it all at anytime like the gas back in my lab. I've got both the potion and the antidote in my bag.” With one hand on the wheel, she turned around to rummage in the bag between them. She was just hauling out a small plastic bottle when Josh shouted,

“LOOK OUT!”

There was a screech of elderly brakes. All three of them jerked violently forward. Petty's car nearly collided with the crossing guard. School bags, lunch boxes, and Petty's stuff went flying everywhere. It was good that Josh and Danny had been hanging on to the little leather straps above their heads. They might well have shot through the windshield.

Petty had bashed her nose on her steering wheel. “Oh, all right! All right! Keep your stupid shiny hat on!” She was shouting at the crossing guard. He was waving his yellow STOP sign around and looking very angry.

“Please—just drive around the corner, so we can get out,” wailed Josh. He kept his head down behind the front seats in case anyone from their school was watching. He and Danny scrabbled about, picking up their bags, books, and lunch boxes.

“My bun's all squashed!” moaned Danny. He picked up a sweet pastry bun that now looked more like a cookie.

“Well, mine had a pretty hard whack too. Thanks for your concern!” sniffed Petty. They pulled at last around the corner, away from the angry crossing guard.

“My buNNN! BuNNN—not BUM!” squawked Danny. He gave a horrified shudder.

“Thanks for the ride,” said Josh. They fumbled with the tipping front seat and the passenger door. He and Danny grabbed their school stuff. They got out as fast as they could, slamming the door behind them.

Petty rubbed her nose. She called to them. “I'm off around the park to try the potion and the antidote out on the squirrels. I'll let you know how it goes!” She did a violent U-turn, nearly knocking a passing cyclist off his bike.

“Come on,” said Danny. He shoved his drink and flattened pastry back into his lunch box. He slung his bag over his shoulder. “I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to get to school, where it's safe.”

He went on through the school gates. He had no idea that something very, very
un
safe was slurping about in his bag.

“Who
is
making that noise?” snapped Miss Mellor.

Everyone in the class froze and widened their eyes. Then they looked around for the culprit. The room was silent.

“That scrapey, scratchy noise! It's really irritating,” went on Miss Mellor. She put down her spelling test grading, stood up, and folded her arms.

“Don't know, ma'am,” muttered a few innocent pupils.

Josh nudged Danny, but his brother just shrugged.

“Well, whoever it was, stop it at once,” commanded Miss Mellor. She sat down again, heavily. She picked up her red pen. She sent a warning glare around the classroom.

A few minutes passed as the class got on with “quiet reading.” Then the noise began again. Scratch, scrape. Scratch, scrape. Scratch, scrape.

Josh nudged Danny again. But his brother was engrossed in his book. He was quite unaware that he was moving his legs up and down against each other. The seams of his new school pants and the Velcro tabs on his school shoes kept scraping and scratching.