GRINGA (78 page)

             
I glare at him.

             
‘Payton, he cannot change,’ Depp says, his voice weary but as usual, kind. ‘He changes, he loses his seat at the party. Some young Mexican with stars in his eyes will zero in and want to take over his turf. The only way he can do it - eliminate Diago, and Payton …you think Diablo will just step aside and ... and get a job as a teller in a 7-11
?
’

             
I cover my ears with my hands
and bow my head
. He makes sense but …

             
‘Well ... then ... maybe … look, just give him a chance to make his own choice, please? Please!’
I get up and pace.

             
Depp rests his arms on the table and watches me pacing.

             
Grey drums on the table with his pencil.
His impatience is tangible and it pisses me off.
Wish he’d just go fuck himself. 

             
He stops drumming
.
‘Has this anything to do with the fact that you’re falling for him?’

             
A loaded question.
I want to tell the truth now.
It’s too much to hide it anymore.
‘Yes,’ I finally whisper, ‘I love him.’ My voice is involuntarily defiant. Actually, it feels really good to
utter
those words out loud. Almost cathartic. I look at Grey and brace myself for the onslaught coming my way.

             
With a grunt Depp suddenly shoves the table
so hard, it
topples and crashes to the ground.

             
I jump.
‘What the fuck
?
’
A bigger onslaught than I expected. This coming from
Depp
too, not Grey.

             
He glares back at me, eyes bulging, jaw jutting. 

             
Nervous, I glance at Grey He
is staring slack-jawed at Depp.

             
‘You love him?’ Depp snarls.

             
I stare at him, at the stranger in front of me. This can’t be Depp. He’s usually kind, in control and gentle with me.

             
He strides over to me. ‘You love him?’ he demands.

             
S
till stunned by his behaviour
,
I don’t answer but again glance at Grey for …help?

             
‘You love him?’ Depp’s
in my face now.

             
‘I …I …’

             
Grey quickly stands up
and wedges himself between
Depp and
me.
‘Depp, back off!’

             
‘She loves him!’ Depp hisses. ‘Did you hear …?’

             
Grey’s eyes are slits now. ‘Depp, I will have you …’

             
Depp quickly raises both hands in a surrendering motion. ‘I’m out of line here, I know. I’m sorry. ’ He looks at me. ‘Sorry Payton.’ Now this is the old Depp I’m familiar with.

             
I glance at the overturned table and nod quickly. 

             
Depp picks up the table, sets it down and takes a seat.

             
Satisfied
that
Depp in under control, Grey turns to me. ‘You okay?’

             
‘Yeah.’

             
‘Look Payton,’ Grey says in a low voice
, ‘Diablo … he’s the same evil S
.
O
.
B
who shot you, Payton.
Three
times. He threw your body off a cliff, remember?’

             
My eyes shift to
Depp
then quickly back to Grey
. 

             
‘The same evil bastard who killed men
and
women without a second thought ...?’

             
I wish he wouldn’t go on about it.  

             
‘He ordered his men to burn down a village,’ Grey continues. ‘Did he care about the women and children, Payton?’

             
‘But …’

             
‘No ‘buts’. How can you
love
this ... this animal, Payton?’ 

             
‘Grey,’ my voice is timid. ‘I …I have no answers for you. You’re right - absolutely right about everything but …I …’

             
Depp stands up.

             
Grey and I both shut up and snap to attention.

             
Depp looks pointedly at me and I avert my eyes. ‘We came here on a mission, Payton. We will get what we came here for, with or without you. Get it?’

             
After the way he toppled over the table,
fuck if I’m going to say anything.
 

             
Grey nods. ‘When we get him, it’s life behind bars for him.’

             
I need my antacid again but I don’t reach for it. How would Diago handle prison for the rest of his life? How would he cope?

             
‘Give him up, Payton,’ Depp says
with cold control. ‘Give him up. Give … him … up.’

             
‘I … I …I can’t do it,’ I say and stand up. ‘Arrest me if you have to, but I can’t. I’m sorry to let you down, but I just can’t do this to Diago.’

             
Depp crosses and uncrosses his arms several times. I try not to look at his slanting eyes.

             
Although I’m intimidated by the whole situation, I force myself to put aside my fear and plead for Diago’s life. ‘Look Depp, you’ve heard about his childhood, right? The vicious beatings, holding his head underwater, starving him - how can you
not
understand him, huh? I mean, who knows how you would react if
you
were in
his
situation? Maybe you
too
would become a thug. Maybe you
too
would kill and hurt and …and destroy and maim?’
I slowly sit down again, feeling drained.

             
Depp suddenly drops his arms to his side
, his
expression pained
.
‘Payton,’
he
says, ‘This is probably a lot for
you to handle. I’m sorry, okay?
Haven’t been sleeping well
.
’

             
I nod.

             
‘Tell you what – go home and just
think
about things, okay? Don’t do anything, don’t make any decisions, just think about things.’ 

             
Encouraged by his change in demeanour, I take a step towards him. ‘Depp, listen - I killed Christa and Tongue because they wanted to hurt me. Self defence, okay? We all know that. But my point is – a short time in Diago’s world and I’m a multiple killer. Who knows how things will go if I like, stay longer? Maybe I would become like Diago - become ruthless towards anyone threatening me or my family, huh?’

             
He doesn’t answer. He just
looks
at me.

             
Grey looks uneasy with Depp’s silence and takes a step towards me. 

             
Depp glances at Grey, then at me. ‘Go home. Just go.’

             
Without another word, I pick up my bag and turn leave.

             
‘Payton!’ Depp calls.

             
I pause and turned around slowly to look at Depp.

             
‘It’s an eye-for-an-eye in
anyone’s
world. He’s killed guilty, he’s killed innocent and he has to be held accountable.’

             
I nod silently, then turn towards the door. 

             
‘Payton!’

             
I pause but don’t turn around this time. Now what?

             
‘Ask yourself – would you have felt the same way about bringing him to justice if you did not fall for him? If you still loathed him?’

             
I stare at the door in front of me for a moment, then rush out of the room.

They’re going to arrest Diago any day now and I’m dying inside. I can’t eat and I don’t sleep.

             
‘What is wrong, Payton? Diago asks.

             
‘Huh? Whaddyamean?’ Does he know something? Oh fuck!

             
‘
You
holding your head in your hands
. Why
, Payton.’

             
‘Oh that!’ I quickly sit up and force a smile. ‘Migrain … coming down with something …’

             
He squints at me.

             
‘Hey let’s go for a walk,’ I quickly say. ‘It’s such a lovely day.’

             
His eyes become slits. ‘Payton, if you have migraine, you will have to avoid the sun – bright light.’

             
‘Huh? Eh…how do you know all this shit?’

             
‘Santana – she gets migraines all the time.’

             
‘Um…eh…then I think I am coming down with
something
, Diago.’
             

             
He brings me aspirin and a glass of water. ‘Go lie down,’ he says.

             
I reluctantly take the aspirin and lie down.