Guardian (The Protectors Series) (29 page)

Her chest hurt, but Mel forced out words. “I love you, Stefan, so much, but I…” Her throat tightened. Miserable, she chewed her lip.

He drew her hand to his mouth and held it there. The warm, soft touch of his lips, his breath, twisted her heart with painful yearning. “Let’s go to Cinda’s and talk it through, love. Tell me what’s still bothering you. We can—”

When she shook her head, he stopped talking. His throat moved in a hard swallow, but he didn’t flinch.

“I can’t do this,” she said.

“Mel, please, don’t shut me out again.”

“I’m not shutting you out, Stefan. I do love you, but…I just lied to the Bureau. Broke my oath. I’ll have to do that every morning I walk into work, or else wall myself off from your life, your friends, and what you do so I won’t know anything. Every day I go in to do the job I love, to the place that has been my home, I’ll be lying to people who trust me.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way, Mel. You won’t tell me things about your cases, and I won’t tell you what we’re doing. Thousands of couples in sensitive jobs have good lives together. At least give it a chance.”

The misery on his face was killing her. If only she could shut up, stop this now, but she owed him the real truth. “It’s not just that, Stefan. Your people don’t trust me. They don’t trust us.” She gestured to the streets in the town, the green where kids played and dogs barked. “All the while we were together, there was this threat hanging over us. This council of yours, or whatever it is, would take part of my mind if they decided I posed a threat, if I said the wrong thing at the wrong time.”

“It’s not like that.” He gripped her hands, his warmth threading into her cold heart, urging her to listen. “Mel, sweetheart, my one true love, I wouldn’t have let anyone touch you. Or separate us.”

“As long as I passed some series of tests.” He still didn’t get it. Gently, she withdrew her hands and hooked her thumbs in her pockets.

“No,” he said, “as long as you could accept me.” He looked away for a moment, gaining composure, she guessed. “That’s all I was looking for, Mel, not some damn checklist of qualifications. And they’re people. They know mages fall in love with non-mages. That’s why the steps are there, not to exclude humans but to allow people to have good lives together.”

She needed to just say it. Tell him the damn truth. What she’d realized that nothing could fix.
Just say it.

“I would always feel like an outsider.” She took a breath. Her lips trembled, but she needed to get this out. “You live in a world where I don’t fit.”

“Of course you fit!” He cupped her cheek, his eyes intense. “Everybody likes you. They’d welcome you.”

She drew a painful breath. “They already have, and that’s so kind of them. But there’s no place for me in a world of clashing energies and superhuman beings. Your first loyalty is to that world, where I’m an outsider and always will be.”

“Mel, you’re wrong. There’s a place waiting for you, as my wife.”

She blinked, stunned. “What?”

“Shit.” Scowling, he ran a hand through his hair. “This isn’t the best time, not what I planned, but I knew I wanted you that first night together at Cinda’s house. What we’ve been through since only confirms that. I want you in my life, love, forever.”

Surprise, then longing, and then dismay flashed through her, ripped at her heart, and Stefan held his breath, she could tell, still hoping. Waiting for her answer.

“I can’t. I’m not a mage, I’m an officer of the law, and in the end, that would come between us.”

“Only if you let it. Our life will be what we make it.”

“While you go off to protect and serve, and I…wait. I’m not built for that, Stefan. I’m the one who’s supposed to do the protecting and serving. I’m the best of the best at what I do, but in your world, you have to protect me. Your friends seem to like me, but they won’t ever respect me the way they do each other. I can’t compete.”

“You don’t have to. Damn it, Mel, this isn’t a competition. Javy’s wife, Karen, isn’t a mage. She was Javy’s secretary, ran his office until their kids came along. She’s as smart as anyone will ever be, and raising two great kids. We all respect as well as love her.”

“And more power to her, but that’s not the kind of respect I’m talking about, and you know it.”

When he shook his head, baffled, she blew out a breath. “Stefan, you know how alone I was growing up. My ticket to acceptance is my ability, my talent, first in music and then in math and computer tech, and I work to make the best of it.”

“But—”

“Let me finish.” She squeezed his hand gently. The sadness in his eyes threatened to break her heart. Quietly, she continued, “At Georgetown people accepted me, for the first time in my life, because I could sing. Then I went to the Bureau. They choose personnel based on standards. I had the degree to move right in, and I’ve dug in and worked until people call me in on tough cases. I’ve made my place in the world by proving my worth.”

“You don’t have anything to prove to me.”

Blinking back tears, she said, “Maybe I have to prove it to me. I have to be…more than your plus-one.”

“Love, you’re so wrong about that.”

Mel shook her head. “I have to know I can hold my own. With your kind, that’s impossible.”

“It isn’t.” Urgently, he added, “Mel, please give us a chance.”

A tear spilled out of her left eye. He reached to wipe it away, but Mel drew back, shaking her head. She freed her hands and scrubbed her palms over her cheeks.

The pain in his eyes slashed into her soul. He squared his shoulders, shuttering his expression. “If that’s what you really want, okay.” Backing away, Stefan said, “You deserve the best, Mel. I hope you find it.”

He turned and headed down the street. She watched as he crossed the green to the other side of the square, toward his car.

The odds had always been against them. She knew that now. But they’d had to try, and they’d come out of this, at least, understanding each other. Unfortunately, that wasn’t much consolation for an aching heart.

S
tefan accepted the Bar Brew beer Griff handed him and watched his friend settle into one of the green Adirondack-style patio chairs. Leaning back in his own, he propped his feet on the matching stool. Overhead, stars winked through the pine trees and live oaks, where fairy lights still glimmered.

“Too late in the year for lightning bugs,” Stefan said. “They’re all we need for a nice, quiet evening.” Though kicking back and relaxing wasn’t as easy now that he knew Mel would never join in.

Griff tapped his bottle to Stefan’s. “Good to have you back.”

“Good to be back.” Until he’d climbed into the chopper, Stefan hadn’t realized how much he’d doubted he would ever see any of his friends again.

“How’d it go with the Feds?” Griff asked.

“About as well as it could, considering I claimed to have a hazy memory about the actual escape.”

The old-fashioned screen door banged behind Will as he came out of the kitchen. Carrying a Bar Brew, he settled into one of the three vacant chairs. He toasted Stefan silently with the bottle.

The three sat without talking for a while before Griff asked, “Have you heard from Mel?”

“Not since we left Burton’s office.” What he had to say next hurt worse than an energy burn, but he had to tell his friends. “She dumped me.”

“What? Why?” Will blurted. He and Griff both looked aghast.

“She says she can’t fit into our world, that she can’t measure up.”

Griff said, “But that’s nuts. We don’t expect her to go kill ghouls. Hell, we’d rather she didn’t even try.”

“Yeah, but she…it’s complicated.” She was so wrong about herself, but considering she’d always been an outsider growing up and never had approval from anyone who didn’t have an agenda—except for him—it was no wonder she felt she had to earn even the most casual friendship. “I’m going to the funeral tomorrow. I expect she’ll leave after that.”

She would be back in Wayfarer to handle Cinda Baldwin’s estate, but Stefan knew better than to think she would seek him out.

He turned his sweating beer bottle in his hands. “I hope the mop-up crew at the nest didn’t miss anything.” He’d recovered the body of the mage who’d died under his hands. If no one claimed her, he’d see that she had a decent memorial.

“Deke knows what he’s doing.” Griff looked up at the sky. “I don’t envy him having to locate and notify next of kin for the dead mages.”

Having been shire reeve himself before he went rogue, Griff knew exactly what those jobs entailed. Stefan focused on the trees, on the fairy lights, and tried to ignore the hole in his chest that seemed to grow wider with every hour since he’d walked away from Mel. Again.

 “Mel’s torn,” he said. “Confused. Disappointed that I wasn’t honest with her.” Talking wouldn’t change anything, but it seemed to ease the gnawing ache inside him. “She has the drive to protect and serve. It’s vital to her.” With a glance at Griff, he said, “As it is for some of the rest of us.”

“You’re one to talk,” Griff replied comfortably. “So, what, she thinks we should announce we’re here, kind of like we belonged on the
Aliens Among Us
show or something?”

“You score.” Stefan pointed at him with the beer bottle. “Until she saw us in action, she didn’t understand what our kind already do for Mundanes or appreciate what we’ve been through. We talked about it on the way to Burton’s office, and she gets it now. If we announced who we are, showed what we can do, everybody from lazy government officials to bewildered parents of bratty offspring would be camped on our doorstep or calling us for help.”

Will chuckled. “
Bewildered Parents of Bratty Offspring.
You should sell that to a network. But seriously, mages going public with their talents is a disastrous idea. It’d probably be worse than what you just said. It’s easy to pick somebody up for indefinite holding now, if you don’t mind lying about your reasons.”

“Despite the good intentions of most people,” Griff noted, “there’s always someone in any group willing to lie. My dad bitches about embezzling lawyers a couple of times a year.”

Griff’s attorney father had been a member of the state bar’s governing body. He knew just how often and badly his fellow attorneys could screw up, and how ably some rationalized their wrongdoing.

“She sees that now. The bigger problem is that I wasn’t open with her. I tried to tell her,” Stefan said. “But I left it too late. If I’d known she would deal with it so well, I could’ve told her a lot more. Once she saw the ghouls in the swamp, then in that nest, she had a pretty good idea what I’d been keeping back.”

Griff shrugged. “Yeah, but you would’ve landed where you are now anyway. You were juggling being honest with her and following the Council’s protocols. And the need to protect both magekind and her. You did the best you could.”

“Besides, trust is a tough one,” Will said quietly.

He hadn’t said anything that thoughtful about relationships since Stefan could remember. Griff’s eyebrows rose in a surprised expression, but Will was gazing up at the stars.

Why the hell couldn’t Mel see that being smart and kind and generous, not to mention beautiful, was enough? Cinda probably hadn’t baked cakes and set out fancy china for very many of her former students.

The
Superman
movie theme blared at Will’s hip. He glanced at his phone. “Mom. I’d better take this.” Walking away, he explained, “They’re on a dig in Central America, with no cell reception in the field.”

Stefan turned to Griff. “While you were in the shower this afternoon, Val told me about your precog flash. I owe you. If you hadn’t been so near, those ghouls might’ve found us.”

“I’m glad it worked out.” Griff hesitated. “It’s the first one I’ve had that I knew was an actual vision, not a hunch. Or wishful thinking. She tell you how it happened?”

“Briefly, but walk me through it in case the summary missed something useful.”

Griff turned his beer bottle in his hands. “I was worried about you. I was also pissed that my tracking ability was gone. I came out here with my staff, an obsidian mirror, a crystal ball, our rune stones, and your shirt. I tried everything, but nothing worked, until Val came out and we…” He paused before adding, “We made love. It was afterward, when I picked up my quarterstaff, that I had a definite precog flash of you and Mel escaping.”

“Then you pinned down our location to western North Carolina?” When Griff nodded, Stefan continued, “You know, many cultures have rituals equating sex and magic. We don’t, but there’s no denying sex is a powerful act. Especially with the bond you and Val share.”

“That didn’t make any difference a few weeks back when we tried to activate the magic through it.”

Stefan smiled. “You and Val hadn’t just had sex then.” They’d been testing Griff’s power and been saddened and angered by finding it gone.

“True.” Griff shrugged and took a long drink of beer.

At least Griff and Val were
having
sex. For Stefan and Mel, that was over. Again. Damn it. But that wasn’t Griff’s problem.

“When you grabbed your quarterstaff,” Stefan asked, “were you still touching Val?”

“We were holding hands.”

“After centuries of use by mages, the staff is a magical object itself. Maybe the linkage and the aftereffects of the sex triggered something. However that flash happened, Griff, it’s a good sign.”

“Yeah, I guess. Thanks.”

That polite word closed the subject, so Stefan nodded and sipped his beer. Griff and Val had walked a tough, dangerous road to end up together. Stefan wouldn’t shrink from doing the same to be with Mel, but her need to feel equal to those around her was not something he could fix. If only she would trust him enough to believe they could make it work, but Mel had never been able to do that, and he couldn’t force her.

She needed to feel equal, and he needed her trust. It sucked that two people so right for each other couldn’t find a way to fit.

S
tefan checked the set of his light charcoal cutaway jacket in Hettie’s hall mirror. The last thing he wanted to do was pick up a guitar and sing about love. Looking at the damn instrument felt like a jab to the heart because the last time he’d played had been with Mel.

But Griff was the brother he’d never had, and Val had rapidly become as close as a sister.

He wouldn’t disappoint them on their big day. They’d offered to let him out of singing, but he’d hate himself if he weaseled.

One last touch to smooth the striped ascot at his throat, and Stefan marched out the front door and around the house. He hadn’t told anybody the bad news Javy had hacked out of a ghoul computer. The notes Stefan had tried to keep minimal had given the ghouls a way to stabilize their supersoldiers. Injections of serum made from mage or magic-sensitive Mundane livers could halt the burnout effect.

No point in letting that cheerful news puncture the uplifted moods around here. After the wedding would be soon enough.

The string quartet behind the gazebo played a Celtic ballad, the signal for Hettie, standing in for Val’s deceased parents, and Lara Dare, Griff’s mom, to take their seats.

Banks of fall flowers in gold, bronze, and orange separated the seating area from the remainder of the yard. The seats were mostly taken by now. Griff and Val had a lot of friends eager to celebrate this day.

Avoiding the aisle, Stefan circled to the gazebo. Lara and Hettie had draped it in dark yellow and white silk.

The two women were seated, so Stefan walked toward the steps, where his guitar sat in a stand. Concealed behind the gazebo, Marc waited with Joe Dayton, the Collegium’s instrumental music instructor. Clad in a simple, gray suit and clerical collar, Marc gave Stefan a thumbs-up of encouragement. Joe nodded absently, his fingers moving on his trumpet valves in silent rehearsal.

Stefan took his place by the stairs and swung the guitar strap over his shoulder. Maybe playing here, for people he loved, would make a new memory to replace the painful one.

His fingers picked out the opening chords of John Denver’s ode to his then-wife, “Annie’s Song.” It had been the rage for mage weddings for decades, what with its clear, simple melody and nature-focused lyrics. People so tied to the natural world couldn’t resist it.

Stefan took a deep breath and sang. Before he reached the third measure, the song had drawn him into autopilot. His voice rang pure and strong while the wedding party assembled behind the house.

The lyrics expressed his feelings for Mel. There was no one else for him.

His fingers faltered, but he found the next chord, dropping into the music again.

When he finished, he looked out at the crowd. The groomsmen and bridesmaids stood in pairs, flanking Griff and Val and fanned out behind the seating area so they could see. Standing beside Griff with his arm around her, Val looked so beautiful, crowned with a wreath of white rosebuds and some kind of greenery and little red and orange flowers. Her tawny hair shone in the sun and brushed shoulders left bare by her creamy gown.

She mouthed
Thank you
as Griff leaned close to her. His lips moved.
Wait,
he was telling her. She looked up at him, frowning, and then back at Stefan.

Smiling, Stefan said, “Ladies and gentlemen, your programs don’t include this next song. It’s the groom’s surprise gift to the bride. The music is mine, but the words are his. Here’s ‘Safe Harbor,’ from Griffin to Valeria on their wedding day.” He started the intro chords.

Val’s mouth dropped open. Tears welled in her eyes as she turned into Griff’s embrace.

Watching them, Stefan sang, “You were there when the storm clouds closed around me. Your hand caught mine and gave me hope again.”

Val was weeping now, with Griff dabbing at her eyes. Women in the seats sniffled and blotted tears.

Stefan’s heart felt as though a giant fist clenched around it, but he pushed on. He would not screw up this moment.

“I was drowning until you dived in beside me, and the love we shared pulled me safe back to shore.”

Somehow, he made it through. When the last chord died away, the only sounds were the breeze rustling the tree branches and the sniffles from the onlookers. Despite Val’s tears, her radiant smile and Griff’s wide grin made Stefan glad he’d persevered. He carried the stand and the guitar to the porch.

When he took his place in front of Lorelei, Val threw her arms around him. “That was beautiful,” she choked. “Oh, Stefan, so beautiful.”

He kissed her forehead. “I was honored to do it. It was all Griff’s idea.”

Griff clapped him on the shoulder. “Ideas need execution.”

“Amazing, the lengths you’ll go to, Griff,” Will said, grinning fiendishly, “just to get lucky.”

Everyone laughed, as he must’ve intended, breaking the emotional mood.

Joe Dayton stepped out from behind the gazebo as the string quartet struck up Purcell’s Trumpet Voluntary.

Griff kissed Val’s hand. “Here we go, love.”

She grinned up at him. “About time, too.”

Marc took his place on the gazebo steps, and the processional stepped off with Val’s pretty, blond college roommate and Griff’s sister, Caro, in the lead. Stefan and Javy followed.

When the wedding party had assembled, Marc smiled at them, then at the guests. “Dear friends, we gather here to celebrate the union of Valeria Elizabeth Banning and Griffin Rhys Dare and to wish them a long and joyous life together.”

Stefan let the words wash over him. The promises to love, honor, and cherish were timeless. So, too, were the vows the bridal couple had decided to add, the mage oaths to share the fruit of the earth and of their bodies, the fiery brightness of their spirits and the darkness of their fears, the lightness of air and the water of life and tears.

All of that and more, Stefan longed to give Mel. But it was too late.

The reception looked like a huge success. Lorelei’s centerpieces gleamed in the sunlight. People were eating, drinking, and chattering happily. Prowling through the crowd and looking pitiful, Magnus scored more than a few choice tidbits. And Griff and Val just glowed in a way that had nothing to do with mage power.

Josh Campbell stood with Edie Lang under the branches of a live oak heavy with Spanish moss. Judging by the way the pair smiled at each other, leaning close, they’d be tying the knot before long. Josh was a lucky bastard, falling in love with another mage.

Will strolled up to Stefan. “The dinner special at the Marsh Heron tonight is tilapia. I’m heading there after this and might cruise the bar. I could use a wingman.”

Will needed a wingman like Superman needed a bicycle. Now that Stefan thought about it, Will, Griff, or Val had dragged him somewhere to eat every night since Mel left. He raised an eyebrow. “Tending to me, Will?”

“Hey, do I look like a babysitter? I like tilapia.”

Before Stefan could reply, Val snagged his arm. “Come with me. Excuse us, Will.” She tugged Stefan toward the house.

“Don’t you think Griff might object?” he teased. “Married less than an hour, and you’re sneaking off with me.”

“I’m a woman on a mission. My new husband says there are some things better left alone, but I can’t let this go.” Beside the back porch, Val stopped. “This is far enough.”

She studied Stefan for a moment, as though not sure how to begin. He braced himself. She wouldn’t hesitate unless this were personal, and personal had to mean Mel.

“I’m so happy,” Val said. “I didn’t know I could be this happy, and I owe it to you. I want to help, so tell me how.”

The words jabbed the sore spot in his soul. How could they do that, yet warm him at the same time? “I appreciate it, but there’s nothing anyone can do. Mel doesn’t think we could make it work. Maybe she’s right.” The reasons spilled out of his aching heart.

Val gently rubbed his arm. “Don’t give up too easily. In nine years, she didn’t find anyone else. Neither did you. That means something.”

“She doesn’t believe she can be part of my world, doesn’t trust me or love me enough to try, and that means more. I feel like the gap between what she wants, what she has a right to expect, and what I can give her is as wide as the Pacific.”

“Then find a way to narrow it. The trick, as you would know if we were talking about someone else, is to defang what the other person fears, like Griffin’s fear that my reputation would suffer if we were together. Or show that person how to make it matter less. What does she want in a relationship that only you can give her?”

Val stretched up to kiss his cheek. “I promised I wouldn’t nag you, so I’ll drop it now. But know we’re always in your corner. Anything you need, we’re here for you.”

Feeling faintly sick, Stefan watched Val walk away, a beautiful woman who’d endured hellacious trials to reach this happy day.
Don’t give up too easily
, she’d said. Was that what he’d done?

 He mulled over the question she’d asked him about Mel.
What does she want in a relationship that only you can give her?

The answer popped into his head, immediate and clear and certain. She wanted someone who would fight for her. When she’d dumped him nine years ago, he’d let her. She’d dumped him again on the street by Burton’s office, and again he’d let her. He hadn’t followed her, hadn’t even tried to convince her to change her mind.

She didn’t think she fit. He had to change her mind because he knew now what he’d denied for nine years, that his life couldn’t be complete without her.