Guardians (Seers Trilogy) (33 page)

But no matter how much I wanted him, he was the one thing I couldn’t have. Because when I died, I would never see him again. I couldn’t be his. Not in the way he wanted. Not in the way I was desperate to have him.

I reached down and took hold of his hands, tugging weakly. Pain crossed his face at my apparent rejection, but he followed my gentle prompt and rose to his feet, unable to meet my gaze, his shoulders slumped in defeat.

I slipped one of my hands free to stroke his tight jaw. “Patrick O’Donnell,” I whispered, my voice trembling. “I want to say yes. More than anything I want to say yes. But I can’t.”

He pulled in a shivering breath. “Why?” he demanded.

I attempted to smile, failing miserably in the process. “Because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already will.”

He bowed his head, forcing my fingers up into his hair. “Kate,” he mumbled into the space between us. “I don’t care if our time together is a lifetime or just one more day. I need to know that you love me like I love you.”

I shook my head at him. Did he honestly doubt my feelings? “I do. Patrick, I love you so much.”

He peeked up through his eyelashes, his tone pleading. “Then say you’ll marry me.”

I stared at him, waiting for someone—anyone—to tell me what to do. When no answer was forthcoming, I had to improvise. I leaned closer, seeking his lips. He realized what I wanted and his mouth eagerly found mine. He was willing to set any weapon upon me if somehow it could persuade me to say
yes
and come with him. My hand knotted in his hair, our joined hands interlocked and his free fingers framed my face. Our lips melted together, blurring our emotions until they were thoroughly mixed. We held each other tightly, forgetting that we were in my family room, forgetting the Demon Lord, and all the dangers that faced us. I forgot I was tied to the earth at all. In that wonderful moment, nothing could touch us. Nothing could pull us away from each other.

But it had to end. I had to keep this from happening. I needed to stay, and he needed to go. Somehow, it was the only way to save the ones I loved.

I ended the kiss, keeping my forehead against his. “You need to go.”

His body shuddered and he swallowed convulsively, fingers curling around the back of my neck. “Kate, please . . .”

I laid my hands on his wrists and tried to pull his hands away. They only tightened against my skin in response. I sighed, tipping my head to rest against his forehead. I was losing strength, if not my resolve, to push him away. Couldn’t he realize I was trying to be strong for him?

“I said that everything we try fails,” I breathed. “I’m not going to take a chance with the lives of my sisters.”

“Kate . . .”

I pretended to ignore the wonderful sensations his fingertips pressing against my skin inspired, and I cut into his plea. “If I died to tell you this, it must have been the only way to save them.” I heaved in a short breath. “Patrick, I don’t want you to go.” My voice broke on the last word, and I could feel the muscles in his face waver and fight the urge to contort. I pulled in a breath, blinked back stinging tears that threatened to fall. “I made my parents a promise after they died: that I would look after Jenna and Josie. It’s a promise I made to myself when all of this started in the first place. You’re supposed to be with them, now. Not me. You’re the only one I can trust to keep Jenna and Josie safe.”

“Please, please don’t make me leave you,” he croaked.

My mouth compressed, my tears finally slipping free. He didn’t pull away from the moisture, just pulled me in until my head was cradled between his neck and shoulder. His fingers stroked my hair, hooked it behind my ears, and my whole body shook.

“Please, Kate?” His lips were at my ear, his head ducked above mine. He held me tenderly, filled me with the confidence that I needed him with me.

“Patrick, I want—” I stopped the desperate words before they could betray me, before he could understand just how much I wanted to disregard everything and stay with him. But I had to give him up. It was the hardest sacrifice I could ever imagine, but if it saved my sisters . . .

I may have kept him from hearing the words, but they still ran through my mind, further wearing me down.
Patrick, I want you with me more than anything. I’m terrified. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to do this alone. I want you close so I won’t be as scared. I’ve never been so scared.
I want you, Patrick, forever. And I can’t have you.

I pinched my eyes closed against his shoulder and tried again. “Patrick, I need you to save the twins. Promise me that after I’m gone, you’ll—”

He simultaneously jerked back and pushed me away, hands firm around my upper arms. His blue eyes were stormy, flashing with a fierceness that made my stomach drop. His low voice was bitter, his words brittle and snapping between us. “You’ve given up. Already. Since the moment I told you. Haven’t you? You don’t expect to survive this. You never did. You agreed to help Terence because in your mind, you don’t stand a chance. You think you’re going to die, and you’ve decided to stop fighting.” His fingers curled more tightly. I’d never seen him so impassioned—so upset. “You’re not going to die. Not now.
Not
like this.” A tear streaked down his face, but his eyes remained hard on mine. “Do you understand me? Destiny can only control you if you let it. If
you
choose. You can’t give up. Kate, please, you
can’t
give up.”

I swallowed, determined to stop his frantic words. I cupped his face in my too-small hands, fingers brushing against the moisture. I leveled him with my firmest stare, glad the emotions rushing through me had been stopped at the sight of his tears.

I could be strong now. I had to be. He needed me to be. It was the only way I could let him go.

“Patrick, you listen to me,” I said evenly. “I haven’t stopped fighting. I’m going to keep fighting, do you understand? I’m not going to quit. And neither are you. We’ve made it this far. I’m not about to give you up. Not even close.”

He tried to say something, but I shifted my hand to cover his mouth.

“Patrick, I won’t stop fighting,” I repeated. “I promise.”

His eyes squeezed closed at my words, his shoulders falling in defeat.

He knew I wasn’t going to budge. I was still going to send him away, despite everything. I was still going through with the mission to the Demon Lord’s past.

In his mind, I’d given up, despite my assurances that I hadn’t. Or maybe he’d listened closer, heard that I’d only promised to keep fighting. Maybe he’d heard the undertones of defeat in my voice—the words I hadn’t dared to voice.

I knew my end was coming. Just as he did.

And as if the knowledge wasn’t painful enough to him . . . In his eyes, I was asking him to give up too.

***

I was sitting on my front room couch watching the sunset. My mind felt almost blank after the afternoon’s strong emotions. I could hardly believe that Patrick was gone. That my family was gone.

Patrick had called a couple hours ago to let me know that they’d arrived safely. He was invisible, but Jack and Maddy were not. The twins didn’t question Maddy’s presence—Jack was weird enough that anything he did or anyone he brought along on an adventure didn’t raise suspicions. They were safe. That was what I tried to focus on. My family was safe. That didn’t mean they were entirely out of danger, but Patrick would be there to protect them.

Patrick . . .

I knew Patrick wasn’t happy with me. He wasn’t even accepting. But he followed my wishes just the same, packing his bags and then sneaking them into the back of the van without anyone seeing. He’d reentered the house before I could follow him, and watching him stand in the entryway, open door behind him, brought back memories of our first kiss.

He’d moved quickly, knowing time was limited. He’d stepped up to me and slipped off his leather bracelet—the black one Toni had stolen so long ago. He wrapped it around my wrist with sure fingers, whispering shortly, “You need to give it back to me, because I have to return it to the poor fool who lost it.”

Though we knew it was a shaky promise at best, I told him I would.

He didn’t kiss me on the lips when he left. Just a quick brush of his mouth along my cheek, as if he couldn’t bear to be around me for another second. I tried not to let it get to me. After all, he had reason to be upset.

Saying good-bye to the twins was just as bad. They thought I was spending the week with Lee, and they barely took the time to hug me because they were so intent on rubbing in the fact that they got to spend a week on a farm. Jenna gave me a hug, but it was distracted. “Lilly Gibbs has horses!” she kept saying excitedly.

I patted her head. “Don’t break your neck.”

It had been the last thing I’d said to her.

Josie hadn’t given me a hug good-bye, and I wasn’t about to drag her back out of the van to give her one. I’d stood in the driveway and watched them back out. Watched them leave me. Just like I’d wanted.

Why didn’t I feel a sense of victory?

Toni and Lee were in the kitchen with Claire, trying to pack up anything we could take over to the warehouse, where I would be living for at least the next week.

So wrapped up in my thoughts, I didn’t hear Toni until he spoke from behind me. “Are you one of those freaks who like sunsets more than TV?”

I glanced up at him, my smile extremely halfhearted. It was the only answer I had energy to give.

He plopped down next to me on the couch, his khaki shorts exposing his knobby knees. “So, are you all packed?”

I nodded vaguely, staring out the window again. “Yeah, I think so.”

“The warehouse isn’t
that
bad, you know.”

We sat in silence for a short moment, and I played absently with the bracelet on my arm. “Toni?”

“Yeah?”

“Patrick told me everything. About my . . . death.”

I felt him nodding next to me. “Yeah. I know. He told me he told you.”

I looked to him. “What did he say?”

Toni was squinting at the sun. “That I’m not allowed to let you use my memory, no matter how you threaten me. He’ll kill me a million times over if I do.”

“He didn’t say that.”

“Fine, not the last part. But he probably would. If I gave him the idea.”

I continued to stare at him until he looked at me. “How does it happen?” I asked. “How do I die?”

“Geez, Kate.” He looked away quickly, shaking his head. “Are you morbid or what?”

“Patrick said I was covered in blood. He didn’t tell me how, though.”

“Probably for good reasons.”

I continued to stare at him until finally he rolled his eyes. “You should probably stay away from guns,” he muttered.

I swallowed.

He saw the nervous action and groaned. “Man, Patrick’s going to kill me.”

“I won’t say anything if you don’t,” I said, trying not to picture what it would be like to die from a gunshot wound. Unfortunately, I’d had too many experiences with gunshots. Grandpa’s life had been stolen by a bullet. Quick, probably almost painless. But I’d seen Patrick suffer from a gunshot wound. It had been anything but painless. And since the future me had had the time to travel through a memory and have a conversation, I could expect my death wouldn’t be quick and easy.

Toni patting my knee brought me out of my thoughts. I blinked and faced his narrowed eyes. “Kate, really. You shouldn’t be thinking about this. It totally can’t be healthy.”

“What’s it like?” I asked in a small whisper, ignoring his words. “Dying? You were shot, weren’t you?”

He frowned. “Yeah. So?”

“What does it feel like?”

“What do you think it feels like?” he huffed. “It hurts. And then you’re dead. I was shot in the head, though, so . . .”

“Where was I shot?”

“Sheesh! I don’t know. There was a lot of blood . . .” He looked beyond uneasy. “I really don’t think you should be worrying about this.”

“Honestly, Toni? How can I not? Wouldn’t you be if it were you?”

He thought about that briefly. “Fair point,” he finally agreed.

I pressed my lips together. “What’s dying really like? What happens after you die?”

He shrugged a single shoulder, still not comfortable with the conversation. “I can only tell you my own experience. I felt pain and fear. Lots of fear. Romero made me kneel on the ground, in front of his manor. Selena was there, watching everything without pity. Romero pointed his gun at me. And then he pulled the trigger.” Toni shook his head, dispelling the awful memory. “It was like waking up. I was lying on a really soft bed in a white room.”

“It was white?” I’d always imagined death to be dark, despite all that talk of light and tunnels. Death had to be dark, empty; that’s how it felt every time I’d lost someone I loved.

Toni was still talking. “Yep. Completely white. And it was really empty, but not in a creepy way. The space was . . . almost calming. There was a little girl sitting at the foot of my bed. She was probably only six or seven.”

“A little girl?” I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah. I’m not making this up. She gave me this really nice smile and asked how I was feeling. I said something like, ‘I’m dead, so it can’t be good, right?’ She didn’t think that was very funny. She told me that I should feel perfectly normal. Surprisingly, I did. Better than normal, actually.”

“And then?” I prompted, after he paused.

“She said she was my sister. That when we die, our last relative to reach Heaven comes to greet us, to present us with the choice.”

“She was from Heaven?”

“Yeah, with some special pass or something, so she could meet me on this half-plane. She gave me the choice, and I chose to return to earth. To be a Guardian. We talked for hours, though, before I finally decided. ”

“I’m sorry, Toni. I thought you were an orphan; I didn’t realize you had family.”

“I didn’t think I did. We never knew each other in life. She was my older sister, actually. She died at that age, so that’s how she appeared to me. Apparently, she’s twenty-five in Heaven.”

“I’m glad you got to meet some family, Toni.”