Guild of Truth 02 - Shield from the Heart (31 page)

“I look that bad, huh?” he asked.

She laughed. “I was just really worried about you.” She brushed back some of his hair. It was getting shaggy again. Like always, Joel had forgotten to make a hair appointment. She remembered all the times she’d had to schedule haircuts for him and how most of the time he’d protest cutting his longer than average locks.

A small part of her ached at the thought of never doing that again, but there was a much bigger part waiting in anticipation to start making those kinds of memories with Merrick.

Would Merrick protest if she asked him to cut his hair now? It was down to his shoulders and fell around his head like a messy inkblot. Her heart tripped in her chest at the thought of those raven locks sliding through her fingers.

The ache in her chest was mild but she still felt Merrick’s absence, even with him in the kitchen of Felix’s home.

Fingers snapped right in front of her face. She jumped.

Joel laughed softly. “Are you with me? Maybe you need to get some sleep. How long have you been watching over me?”

Not as much as you’re probably thinking.

“On and off,” she answered evasively. “Niella, Cali, and Felix have been taking shifts. Even Luke and Merrick have been watching over you.”

The second she said Merrick’s name, something came over Joel’s face. His expression shut down. A small difference, but one Sydney recognized instantly.

“He’s a really nice guy, isn’t he?” Joel said quietly.

Sydney swallowed past the lump in her throat. “He is,” was all she managed to get out.

“You know I wanted to hate him for the way he looked at you. For the way you seemed to look at him instead of at me.”

Her lungs constricted.

“But he helped save my life and that’d make me a real asshole if I begrudged him for it, wouldn’t it?” His eyes, which had been downcast, rose up to meet hers.

When their gazes locked she felt no shiver in her soul, no answering yearning to reach out and touch him. With a finality that went all the way down to her bones, she realized that it was over with Joel and it was cruel to let him think anything else.

She grasped his uninjured hand in hers and inhaled. “Joel, I’m so sorry for what’s been done to you. I know you’re hurting and the last thing I want to do is add to that hurt but … to not say anything now, I think would hurt you even more.”

She heard footsteps out in the hallway and was glad that she’d shut the door so no one would witness their private moment. Joel’s face already told her that he had a feeling where she was taking this conversation and she felt the tears in the back of her throat. But she had to plow forward, she owed it to him.

“I always wished you were my Mirror Mate.” She paused, wanting him to see the truth of that in her eyes. She heard a door slam in the distance. “But I don’t get to decide that. I know now that what I feel for you isn’t what you want or need. You deserve the truth, Joel, and the truth is that I’ve found my Mirror Mate and … ” Her eyes started to cloud with tears. “And it’s not you.”

She couldn’t stand the broken look on his face. Couldn’t stand the fact that she was the one that gave it to him, but she refused to look away. This was her doing and she needed to face it. She’d take whatever lashing he decided to give her because she deserved it.

In her heart she hadn’t felt as if she’d cheated on Joel because she’d already moved on, but in his eyes he’d see her affection toward Merrick as utter betrayal. He had every right to leave the guild, to never help them again and never speak to her again. The idea had her choking back a sob.

She didn’t know what else to say. All the nice and pretty words she had picked out two days ago dried up, and her mind stuttered as she tried to tell Joel her feelings. In this moment all the preparation in the world wouldn’t have helped her.

“I’m so sorry,” she said at last.

Joel gently pulled his hand from hers. Sydney could feel him pulling away more than just physically and she had no idea what to do about it. She needed to let him pull away — it wasn’t her job to comfort him like that anymore. She’d be glad to comfort him as a friend but she doubted he’d want that right now. It’d probably be a long time before she was given that luxury again.

“I had a feeling,” said Joel. “Every time you entered a room your eyes sought him first. When I was injured you ran to him instead of me. I get it. I’ve been beaten enough times to realize that I’m not your man anymore.”

A thick silence fell over them.

“Does he make you happy?”

Sydney barely heard him. She swallowed her tears at the emotion in his voice. “I think so.” She didn’t want to lie and say yes. The truth was she didn’t know.

Joel looked up after she answered. There was a touch of anger in his eyes, but it wasn’t directed at her.

She spoke up before he could threaten Merrick for something he’d never done. “The truth is, I haven’t known him that long. My emotions have been in such a state of turmoil that I can’t tell what I feel, but I know I feel lighter when he’s around.” She rubbed her chest, the ache more intense than it had been earlier. “I can’t really describe what he makes me feel but if you want my honest answer then yes, I think he can and will make me happy.”

She waited with bated breath for the statement to crush him but all he did was nod, as if that was the answer he wanted to hear.

“I’m sorry it couldn’t be me,” he said.

She reached out and placed her hand on his forearm, over one of his scars. She flinched at the sight. “You’ll find yours. She’s out there somewhere. I’ll help you look. You know I will. I’m so afraid of losing you, Joel. Please don’t leave the guild because of me.”

He jerked in surprise. “Leave the guild? You thought I’d leave?”

“I thought for sure you wouldn’t want to be around me anymore. I was terrified that you’d leave and never look back — that the guild would fracture and break apart. I know you don’t want to hear this but I still love you, just not in the same way.”

He grimaced. “You’re right, I didn’t want to hear that. But Syd, I’m not going to leave the guild. I may need some time to myself for a bit, and I may not want to be around much when Merrick is, but I’m not going to leave. We’re the Guild of Aletheia. What kind of guild would we be if we disbanded every time there was a complication within our group? We stick together and that’s final.”

She stared into his face. He was so brave, such a good guy. “You’re going to make some woman very happy,” she told him earnestly.

He blinked, caught off guard. He looked away but not fast enough. She saw the raw hurt and wanted to smack herself. She was acting as if they’d been broken up for three months and not three minutes.

She got to her feet. “I should let you rest some more. I’ll come back later to check on you, if you want.”

He gingerly touched his cast. “Maybe it’d be best for now to have someone else check on me.”

His words were like a punch to the gut but she kept the smile on her face. “I’ll have Niella or Luke come check on you then.” With nothing else left to say she closed the door behind her and exhaled.

“How’d it go?”

Sydney nearly jumped out of her skin. “Would you stop doing that?” She whirled on Cali. “Do you do that to Felix?”

Cali uncrossed her arms and smiled. “All the time. One time I got him so good in the kitchen he sent cake dough flying straight into the ceiling.”

Poor Felix.

“So, how’d it go?” she repeated.

Sydney shrugged and looked back at the door as if she’d be able to see Joel on the other side. “Not like I wanted, but better than expected, I guess.”

Cali gave her a sympathetic pat on the arm. “At least it’s over now and you can start afresh with Merrick. There’ll be nothing hanging over your guys’ heads.”

“Thanks. By the way where is Merrick?” She stepped into the living room and found that everyone was accounted for except her Mirror Mate. Was that why her chest had ached worse while she was talking to Joel? He’d left? But why would he leave?

Cali shrugged. “I have no idea. He went down the hall I think to check on you and then he stormed out of the house a few seconds later.”

Sydney’s stomach sank. She thought back to the door slamming after she’d told Joel that she’d wished he’d been her Mirror Mate …

“Oh no.” Sydney grasped Cali’s arms, bringing her to an abrupt halt. “How long ago did he leave?”

“I don’t know, five minutes ago maybe. What’s wrong?”

Sydney dropped her hands and bolted for the door.

“Sydney?” Cali yelled after her but she didn’t stop.

The streets in Felix’s neighborhood were empty. She scanned the sidewalks but saw no sign of Merrick. Where could he have gone? She’d been his ride over here and she knew for a fact that he didn’t have a cell phone yet so he couldn’t have called a cab.

She cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted his name. There was no answer.

She raced back inside Felix’s house and nearly collided with Felix. “Whoa.” He caught her shoulders and held her. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

She jerked free of his hold. “I have to leave. I have to find Merrick.” She snatched up her purse and keys.

Felix tailed her. “Did something happen to him? Do you need us to go with you?”

She waved him off as she climbed into her car. “I’m fine. I have to do this on my own. It’s my fault he left.”

• • •

Merrick stared out the bus window lost in thought as his surroundings passed him by. He didn’t know where he was going. He didn’t care. He’d been such an idiot.

Sydney’d told him she was going to break up with Joel. That she wanted him. And like a fool he’d gobbled it all up.

She never wanted me,
he thought bleakly. All this time she’d wished Joel was her destined soul mate.
You can’t fight destiny.

He grunted and curled closer into himself when a man took the seat next to him. The back of his neck was prickling on and off again and he really didn’t feel like seeing what was in anyone else’s head. He didn’t want to see how shitty everyone else’s lives were or weren’t. He just wanted to go back to what he’d been doing before Sydney entered his life: paying bills, finding missing persons, finding Alyssa.

Alyssa …

Sydney had promised to ask Niella about her.

He shook the thought away. That promise, like everything else she’d spoken, was nothing but a lie. He’d been a moron to trust anything she’d said.

He shoved his hands into his worn jean pockets and stopped when his fingers encountered a slick piece of paper. He pulled it out and stared down at the card Vander had given him. His gaze fell to the worn blue notebook nestled between his body and the bus wall. It had been in his possession ever since he took it from Greg’s house. He’d refused to let it out of his sight.

If you give Vander the journal, you could find Alyssa.

He ran his finger over the phone number on the card. He had nothing to lose. Not anymore. No one to lose, no one to protect. Sydney had made her choice, she’d lied to him and deceived him. Him! The one that was able to read emotions and thoughts from objects. And like an idiot he’d never read anything of Sydney’s purposely because he didn’t want to violate her privacy. It had only been her shirt that one time.

Fuck privacy.

He knew better than to trust women. They were never what they seemed and this was the last time he was going to be kicked in the teeth. He rubbed at his chest in an attempt to quell the hollow feeling within. The action only angered him more.

He yanked the chord above his head and the bus pulled off at the next stop. He clutched Kevin’s notebook to his chest as he maneuvered himself off the bus.

He scouted his surroundings until he found what he was looking for. He pulled some coins from his pockets and punched in Vander’s number.

“Yes?”

“It’s me.” Merrick said without preamble.

“Mr. Haskell, can this really be you?” Vander oily voice slithered over the line.

“It is. Are you still in California or did you flee the state?”

“I’m still here. Just taking care of some investments is all. One of which I’m sure is going to be delighted to hear your voice.”

Regina. Vander was getting her out of jail.

Merrick shuddered at the thought of her free once more. He’d worked months on end before to put women and men like her away.

But that was a different life.

“Do you still want Kevin’s journal?” He cut the bullshit and got straight to the point.

Silence on the other end before, “You have it? The real one?”

So he’d realized the box he’d obtained was filled with nothing?

“I do, but I want your word — you’re to help me find my sister. You said you could guarantee it.”

“And I can, but I’m curious, what has caused the sudden change of heart?”

A change of heart, indeed.

He redirected his thoughts before they got away from him.

“Nothing that need concern you. I’m willing to trade the journal for access to your company’s resources and a guarantee of finding my sister when Kevin wakes up. I will not work for you. Are we clear? This is a one time deal: the journal for my sister and anything related to my sister.”

“That doesn’t sound like a very fair trade, Mr. Haskell. You’ll be getting all my resources but any help you could offer me you’re refusing to give?”

“Take it or leave it, I don’t care. I’ll burn this journal right now if you don’t take the deal, it’s no matter to me.”

“And what if there’s nothing in it about my Mirror Mate?”

He clutched the notebook in his hand. “There is.”

For the next few seconds he heard nothing but Vander’s breathing. “You read it?”

“I did. Is that a problem?”

There was a thoughtful sound on the other end. “No, I guess not. Very well, Mr. Haskell. When and where would you like to exchange items?”

“Exchange items?”

“Yes, the journal for a laptop connected to any and all databanks to the Kratos Corporation. You won’t have to deal with any pesky security codes. You’ll have full access to anything, everything, and anyone. There will be a specific e-mail set up for you that will grant you access to numerous people in high places. Is that good enough for you?”