Gump & Co. (9 page)

Just before the band begun to play, there was a slight sort of tremor in the ground, but nobody much seemed to notice it but me. Durin the first verse, the rumblin in the ground begun again, an this time some folks started lookin around kinda nervous like. When they got to the high part of the song, there was a third rumble, a lot louder than the first, an it caused the ground to shake, an a pane fell out of a winder of a store across the street. It was about now it dawned on me that somethin bad was fixin to happen.

I had been so nervous that mornin when I was tryin to get into my suit an my tie an all that I had forgot to release the main pressure gauge at the power plant. Little Forrest had always tole me this was the most important thing to do ever day, account of somethin serious might go wrong. By now, most folks are still singin, but some is sort of mumblin to each other an turnin they heads to see what is happening. Sergeant Kranz lean over to me an ast, ‘Gump, what in hell is goin on?’

I was fixin to tell him, when he found out for himsef.

I looked up at the hill where the plugged-in mine entrance was, an suddenly they was this humongus
explosion! A big flash of light an flames, an then
KA-BLOOIE!
the whole thing done blowed up!

Next instant, everthin got completely dark, an I thought we had all been kilt! But soon I heard a kind of low moanin around me, an when I wiped my eyes an looked around, it was a sight to see. Everbody on the speakin platform was still standin there, kinda in shock or somethin, an they was all covered in pig shit, head to toe.

‘Oh, my God!’ shouts the governor’s wife. ‘Oh, my God!’

I looked around some more, an damned if the whole town ain’t covered in pig shit, includin, of course, the five or six thousan people in the crowd out in front. The buildins, cars, buses, ground, streets, trees – everthin, about three or four inches deep! The guy playin the tuba in the band was the strangest sight of all. He was so surprised, I guess, that when the explosion happened, he was blowin a long note an didn’t quit – just kept on tryin to blow his note with the tuba full of pig shit, an it looked sort of like a soufflé about to get done.

I turned around again, an there was Sergeant Kranz, starin me right in the face, eyes all bugged out, teeth bared – somehow he’d even managed to keep his army hat on.

‘Gump!’ he hollers. ‘You fuckin idiot! What is the meaning of this?’

Before I could answer, he reach out to grap me by the throat, an I figgered what is comin next, so I leaped over the railin an run away as fast as I can. Sergeant Kranz an everbody else, them what was able, anyway, begun to chase me, too. It seemed like a familiar situation.

I was tryin to get home to the farm, but I realized they ain’t no place to hide there, probly – at least not from a mob that has just been hit with a million pounds
of Poland China pig shit, an blamin it on me. But I runned just as fast as I could, which is considerable, an by the time I got to the house, I has outdistanced them somewhat. I was gonna try an pack my bag, but suddenly, here they come up the road, hollerin an yellin, an so I run out the back door an go into the barn an get Wanda, who look at me kinda funny but follows me anyhow. I runned past the pens an across the pasture, an damn if all the hogs don’t start chasin us, too – even the ones in the pens, what broke through an joined the mob.

Only thing I can think of is maybe to get into the swamp, so that’s what I did. I hid there till sundown, while there was a lot of cussin an shoutin all around me. Wanda, she had enough sense to keep quiet, but when night come, it is cold an wet an there is flash-lights shinin through the swamp, an ever so often I can pick out a person carryin a pitchfork or hoe, just like in the Frankenstein movie. They even got helicopters overhead, shinin their lights, an loudspeakers demandin that I come out an surrender.

To hell with that! I say, an then along comes my salvation. I hear a train in the distance on the far side of the swamp an figger this is my only chance to make a break for it! Wanda an me, we slogged out onto higher ground an by some miracle managed to jump on board a boxcar. Inside, there is a little dim candle burnin, an I make out a feller settin there in a heap of straw.

‘Who in hell is you?’ he ast.

‘Gump’s my name,’ I says.

‘Yeah, who’s that with you?’

‘Her name’s Wanda.’

‘You got a girl with you?’

‘Sort of,’ I says.

‘What you mean, sort of – you got some kind of transvestite there?’

‘Nope. She’s is a polled Duroc hog, might win some prizes one day.’

‘Hog?’ he says. ‘Greatgodamighty! I ain’t had nothin to eat in a week.’

I can see this might be a long trip.

AFTER A LITTLE
bit on the train, the feller’s candle burnt out, an after he coughs for a while, it seem like he has dozed off. An so we rode on in the dark with the wheels clackin an the boxcar sway in an rockin, an finally Wanda done put her head in my lap an gone to sleep. Me, though, I stayed up for a while, wonderin how in hell I am always gettin myself into these kinds of fixes. Everthin I touch, it seems, turns directly to shit. Literally.

Next mornin there is a faint little light comin in through the doors of the boxcar, an the feller in the corner begins to stir an starts coughin again.

‘Hey,’ he says, ‘why don’t you open the doors a little an get us some fresh air?’

I gone over an opened the door about a foot or so. We is passin by houses an some dingy ole buildins, an everthin is gray an cold, cept for a few little Christmas decorations on people’s doors.

‘Where we headed?’ I ast.

‘Near as I can figger, Washington D.C.,’ the feller say.

‘Hell, I been there,’ I says.

‘That a fact.’

‘Yup, long time ago. I went to see the President.’

‘What of?’

‘The United States.’

‘What, was there a parade or somethin?’

‘Nah, it wadn’t no parade. I went to his house.’

‘Yeah, I bet that pig of yours flew over it, too.’

‘Huh? Wanda don’t fly.’

‘I know,’ he says.

I turned aroun to look at him, an there is somethin terribly familiar about the feller’s eyes, though his face is covered with a black beard an he is wearin a ole hobo-lookin hat.

‘Say,’ I ast, ‘what’s your name, anyhow?’

‘What’s it to ya?’

‘Well, you look sort of like somebody I knowed once, that’s all.’

‘Yeah? Who?’

‘A feller from the army. Way back in Vietnam.’

‘What’d you say your name was again?’

‘Gump.’

‘Yeah? I knew a Gump one time. What’s your first name?’

‘Forrest.’

‘Oh, shit!’ the feller says, an he thows his arms up over his face. ‘I might of known it!’

‘Well, who in hell
are
you?’ I ast.

‘Goodgodamighty, Forrest, don’t you recognize me?’

I crawled across the straw an got up real close to his face.

‘Why, you’re . . .’

‘No, I reckon you don’t. I wouldn’t expect you to – I’ve kinda gone down recently,’ he says in between coughs.

‘Lieutenant Dan!’ I shouted, an grapped him by the shoulders. But when I looked into his eyes, they is a awful sort of milky white, like he can’t see or somethin.

‘Lieutenant Dan – what has happened to you?’ I says. ‘Your eyes . . .’

‘I’m mostly about half blind now, Forrest.’

‘But how?’

‘Well, it’s a lot of things,’ he says. An when I get a better look, it is really terrible. He is thin as a rail an
dressed in rags. The little stumps where his legs was are pitiful lookin, an his teeth are bad.

‘I suppose it’s all that stuff from Vietnam catchin up with me,’ he says. ‘You know, it wasn’t just my legs that was shot – it was all up in my chest an stomach too. I reckon after a while it caught up with me. Say – what’s that smell? Is that you? You smell like shit!’

‘Yeah, I know,’ I says. ‘An it is a long story.’

Well, Lieutenant Dan begun to cough again so hard I laid him down an gone over to my side of the boxcar, thinkin it might be my smell that was makin him do it. I just couldn’t believe it! He looked like a ghost, an I am wonderin how he wound up in such sorry shape, especially after all the money he got from our srimpin bidness, but I figger there is time to ast about that later. In a little bit, he stop coughin an dozed off again, an I am settin there with Wanda, wonderin what is gonna happen to us all.

About a hour to two later, the train slowed down. Lieutenant Dan starts coughin again, so I reckon he is awake.

‘All right, now, Forrest,’ he says, ‘we gotta get off of here before the train comes to a full stop, else they will call the police on us and put us in jail.’

I looked out the crack in the doors, an we is comin into a big ole railroad yard with a bunch of rusty freight cars an junk an ole cabooses, an a lot of trash an garbage blowin in the cold wind.

‘This is the Union Station,’ Dan says. ‘They have remodeled it just for us.’

Just then, the train come to a stop an then begun to back up slowly.

‘Okay, Forrest, now’s our chance,’ Dan says. ‘Open that door and let’s get out of here.’

I thowed open the doors an jumped out. Ole Wanda
is standin there with her snout pokin out of the boxcar, an I runned up beside her an grapped her by the ear an pulled her down. She let out a big ‘oink’ when she hit the ground. Next, I runned up to where Dan was settin, right behin her in the boxcar door, an grapped him by the shoulders an set him down easy as I could. He was carryin his artificial legs with him, but they was pretty scuffed up an dirty.

‘Let’s crawl under that freight over there before the engine comes by an they see us,’ Dan says. So that’s what we did. Finally we has arrived in our nation’s capitol.

It is freezin cold an the wind is whippin up around us, an there are little snowflakes in the air.

‘Forrest, I hate to tell you this, but I think you gotta get cleaned up before we go out an take in the sights,’ Dan says. ‘I saw a pretty big mud puddle back there, if you know what I mean.’

So, while Dan strapped on his artificial legs, I gone over to the mud puddle an took off my clothes an got in an tried to rinse off as much pig shit as I could. Wadn’t easy, cause it had mostly dried by now, specially in my hair, but somehow I did it, an after that, I washed my clothes an put em back on. It was not the most pleasant experience of my career. When I was finished Wanda took a turn hersef, figgerin, I spose, she was not gonna be outdone.

‘Let’s walk on up to the station,’ Dan says. ‘Least it’s warm in there and you can dry out.’

‘What about Wanda?’ I ast.

‘I been thinkin about that,’ he says. ‘Here’s what we do.’

While I am takin my bath, Dan has found a ole piece of rope, an when Wanda got through with hers, he ties it around her neck for a leash. He has also picked up a long stick, an when he takes Wanda’s leash in his hand an walks behin her with the stick, tappin it on
the ground, damn if he don’t look like a blind man on the street! Well, sort of, anyhow.

‘We’ll see how this works,’ he says. ‘You let me do the talking.’

So we gone on into the Union Station, which is filled with all sorts of fancy-lookin people, most of who is lookin right at us.

I looked down on a empty bench an there is a copy of
The Washington Post,
all messed up, but somebody done turned to a page inside that says I
DIOT
C
AUSES
N
OXIOUS
B
LAST
I
N
W
EST
V
IRGINIA
. I just couldn’t help but read it.

‘You got any money?’ Dan ast.

‘’Bout ten or fifteen dollars,’ I says. ‘How ’bout you?’

‘Twenty-eight cents.’

‘Well, maybe we can get some breakfast,’ I says.

‘Hell,’ Dan says. ‘I sure wish we had enough to go to the oyster bar. Man, what I wouldn’t give for a dozen oysters on the half shell right now. Served up over crushed ice, with one of them little crystal bowls for sauce on the side – lemons and Tabasco and some Worcestershire an horseraddish.’

‘Well,’ I says, ‘I reckon we could do that.’ Matter of fact, I know I ain’t got much cash on me, but what the hell. I remember ole Lieutenant Dan in Vietnam, always talkin about how much he liked raw oysters. I figger, bad off as he is now, why not?

Ole Dan, he is so excited he is about to bust, an his legs begun to clatter as we go down the hallways.