Gus (44 page)

There are tears in my eyes. And not because I'm thinking about the past ... but because I'm thinking about the future. A future with him. A family with him. I can see it and it's the most perfect life I could imagine. I turn and shift in his embrace so I can look in his eyes.

He reaches up and wipes the tears that are trailing down my cheeks. "Don't cry, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

I smile at the sweetness of this man. "I'm not crying because I'm sad, Gus. I'm crying because I was just wondering how in the hell I got here ... with you. How did I get so lucky?"

He smiles. "You're my everything, Scout.
Everything.
I love you with everything that I am. Everything I'll ever be. You're my future, sweetheart."

And the tears continue to fall. "You're my everything, too. You took a broken, scared little girl and turned her into someone I didn't even know I could be. I can't thank you enough. And my love for you? God, it's never-ending, babe. I will love you until the day I die."

He's smiling again. "Does that mean we get to make babies?" He rubs my stomach with his hand. "I want this belly swollen with my little one."

I nod and I'm so emotional I can hardly speak. Having a child with him would make me so happy. Complete. "Yes."

"I'm throwing your pills away when we go inside."

I turn and settle back into to my special spot against his chest. "Okay. Does this mean we're going to have sex a lot?"

He squeezes me. "You better believe it. Morning, noon, and night. You should probably just stop wearing panties altogether. I'll join you in your underwear boycott. Maybe tell Ma you're going on sabbatical and take some time off and we'll just give up clothes entirely and walk around naked until you're prego?"

"I don't think Audrey would give me time off to get knocked up."

He laughs his deep belly laugh. "If she knew she'd get a grandkid out of the deal, hell yes she would. You've seen her with Stella. She's the ultimate G-Ma."

I laugh with him, because he's right. Gus's child would be the most loved grandchild in the history of grandchildren.
 

We watch the waves come in under the moonlight for several minutes. It's quiet. All I hear is the water crashing against the shore.

"There's something else." His voice has softened. The excitement is gone and all that's left is reverence and adoration.
 

"Yeah?" I ask. The emotion in his voice has my heart beating double time.

"Will you really love me forever?" He knows I will. He's nuzzling my neck just below my ear with the scruff on his chin.

"And ever," I answer.

His lips press against my neck once before they brush my earlobe. "I want you to be Mrs. Hawthorne."
 

I turn quickly and straddle his lap, because I know I didn't hear that right. My hands are trembling when I take his face in my hands. "Can you repeat that?" My eyes are stinging again. "My hearing is
really
bad."

He smiles at me, it's affirming. And then he repeats loudly, "I'm asking you to marry me. I want you to be Mrs. Girl Scout Hawthorne."

I can't hide the bliss that is sweeping through my body. I'm smiling so huge my cheeks already hurt. "You want to marry me?"

He nods and his face looks serious. Impassioned. "Will you marry me, sweetheart?"

(Gus)

She's smiling and crying and nodding all at the same time. It's a full body nod that says without-a-doubt yes. "Yes.
Yes.
Yes, I will marry you."

And I feel it. I'm at peace. If I died right this second, my life would be complete. I won't die of course, which is the best part. I get to live this, for how long I have no idea, but I'm going to live and love the hell out of it.

I kiss her.
 

It's a promise.
 

Which leads to sex. Right there on the chaise lounge. On our deck.
 

It's also a promise.

Scout is already asleep, so I grab the stack of sticky notes and marker we keep on the bathroom counter and I write her a note and stick it to the mirror so she'll see it when she wakes up in the morning.
San Diego, baby making, engaged, I love you forever, deck sex just became my new favorite.
 

I'm at the tipping point of a transformation that began months ago, an intentional decision put in motion. And it feels so fucking good. I've come to the full realization that my happiness, my life, falls squarely on my shoulders. No one's gonna do it for it me. I'm the one who makes it or breaks it.
 

It's a
choice
.
 

A choice that demands action in exchange for reward. Idleness and complacency lead to mediocrity. Sometimes action is really fucking hard fought, but that's when the payoff's the highest.
 

That's when great things happen.
 

Not good things ... but
epic
things.

And I've fallen in love with epic.

It's the only way to live.

Acknowledgments

You can't see me, but I'm smiling and it's huge because this is my favorite part of the book. The part where I get to say thank you to all of the awesome people who helped make this book possible. Sit back and get comfortable because I have a lot of love to spread, this may take a while.

Thank you to my beta readers, who named themselves
The Legion of Moist
. You five incredible women kept me smiling and laughing through the final, tough month of writing and then lovingly and meticulously tore this book apart to help me turn it into something I was proud to hand off to my editor. Your friendship, encouragement, constant humor, intelligence, and love made all the difference in the world. You took me from writer's block to the point where I finally fell in love with this story—I owe you more than you will ever know. So, to Lindsey Burdick, Amy Donnelly, CM Foss, Gemma Hitchen, and BN Toler, I say, thank you. You all make me ...
 

Thank you to Debbie Clark. You have stood beside me and cheered me on through the past several years of this crazy writing dream I have. Thank you for your constant support and friendship in all things in my life, not just writing.

Thank you to Brandon Hando, crazy talented designer. You created another cover that I am in love with. In. Love. And you are always patient with me and create magic every time I ask for another T-shirt design, or another bookmark, or another sticker, or another ...
anything
. Thank you for always seeing my vision, sometimes even before I do. You have my heart.

Thank you to Monica Parpal, kickass editor. None of my books would have been published without you. Collaborating with you is an honor; you breathe life into my stories. My respect for you grows with every book we work on together (and that's saying something because my respect was through the roof two books ago). And in the case of Gus, you took ownership of this project and committed to it even with your own wedding quickly approaching. I can't thank you enough.

Thank you to Amy Donnelly at Alchemy and Words, kickass editor, formatter and designer. Not only did you beta read, edit, and proofread for me, but you created the most beautiful trailer and teasers for Gus. Not to mention backing me up at every signing event, being an auntie to Phoenix (I'm so glad we adopted you into our family), and letting me bounce anything and everything off you. You. Do. It. All. I don't know what I would do without you. Seriously. I'm bowing down to you right now.

Thank you to Josh Harris at Yerk Design, website designer and general smart dude. You set up my website and have maintained it and added whatever,
whenever
I ask you to, and have offered advice along the way. Thank you for your willingness to always help me out—including proofreading this little book, which was above and beyond the call of duty.

Thank you to Seth King, voice of reason and friend. You talked me off the ledge many times near the end of this project and helped me keep my last, frayed shred of sanity. Aside from writing, I think counseling might be your calling. You're a wise dude. And honest. And caring. And funny. And for all that, I'm eternally grateful.

Thank you to Colleen Hoover, mentor and friend. You are one of the kindest people I've ever met. Thank you for always answering my questions and offering guidance on all things book world related, every time I've needed it, without fail. You'll always be my favorite author, but your heart is what makes you so damn special. Thank you ... for everything.

Thank you to my favorite bands for creating nothing short of pure magic and inspiring me with your music. I wouldn't be able to write without you. And a massive shout out to my very favorite band, Sunset Sons. While I was struggling to wrap up this book, Gemma Hitchen came in literally shouting (IN ALL CAPS) about your band and how you are the real-life Rook. I instantly fell in love HARD with your music and listened nonstop through writing the final chapters and all editing. You were my muse. You are my Gus and Rook. Nothing but love for Sunset Sons.
 

Thank you to Mom and Dad. For everything over the past forty-two years. I love you.

Thank you to B. and P., my dudes. It's an honor to be your wife and mom – it's what I live for. Period. I love, love, love you both. To the moon and back again.

Thank you to the
Bright Side Support Group
on Facebook. I'm not quite sure how it happened, but hundreds of the nicest and most positive people on the planet all gathered in one spot. We all share a love of good books, but more importantly we all share a love of good people. I am so lucky to be a part of this amazing group. Thank you for being awesome.

And last, but not least, thank you to every reader, author, and blogger who's befriended and supported me. I get to continue to chase this dream and do what I love because of you. That is a gift beyond measure. This book wouldn't be in your hands right now if it wasn't for you. Thank you a million times.

One more thing and then I promise I'm done.

 
I love you.
 

That's for everyone mentioned above. Your friendship is a gift. Thank you for being you.

Gus Playlist

The Weekend-Huglife Remix (Coeur de Pirate)

"Wicked Games"

AFI "I Hope You Suffer"

The National "I Need My Girl"

Manchester Orchestra "Cope"

The 1975 "Me"

Sunset Sons "Medicine"

Broods "Killing Me"

Brick + Mortar "Bangs"

Royal Blood "Figure It Out"

Coldplay "The Scientist"

Catfish and the Bottlemen "Homesick"

Sunset Sons "Loa"

Buddy Guy "Baby Please Don't Leave Me"

You Me At Six "Love Me Like You Used To"

Bear Hands "Giants"

Flyleaf "All Around Me"

Balance and Composure "Tiny Raindrops"

Twin Atlantic "Fall Into the Party"

Sunset Sons "On the Road"

Ed Sheeran "Kiss Me"

About the Author

I love reading, writing, traveling, music, coffee, tacos, nice people, my big dude (my husband), and my little dude (my son). And lots of other stuff, too.

I also love to make new friends. Come and find me in one of these spots. We'll hang out. It will be fun.

https://www.facebook.com/kimholdenauthor

https://twitter.com/KimHoldenAuthor

www.kimholdenbooks.com

Other books by Kim Holden

All of It

Bright Side

So Much More

Bonus excerpt from the standalone So Much More by Kim Holden

So Much More

By Kim Holden

Prologue

Love explained...or denied

Ask one hundred people to explain love.

And you'll get one hundred different answers.

Because love is like art, it's subjective.
 

Fluid.
 

Ever-changing.

Evolving.

Case in point...

Love isn't real.

It's make believe, like Santa Claus or Vegas. All sparkle and fluff, until you look closely, and it's just a sham under the guise of overinflated, wish-granting potential.