Gut Instinct (17 page)

She’d been there over an hour when she noticed one woman hit her kid so hard he fell off the chair, it took Tanya all her strength not to go over and say something, she hated to see children treated in this way. 

“Numbers eighty five to 100 please” a prison
officer had come into the room and she was saved from her actions.
 

That was her.  She got up and they all followed the officer over the road, in line like school children on a
school
trip.

She followed the others and handed her visiting order in
,
then waited to be escorted to the visitor’s room.

God she would be glad when this day was over, and she would never visit a prison again, she knew that for certain.  It was the most demoralising situation she had ever been in.

Chapter Twenty-
Five

When she entered the visitor’s room she scoured the tables for Ivan.  They all looked the same in their blue jeans, blue striped shirts and pale faces from having no sun.  The only difference was that some of them had a yellow band across their shoulder.

Then she saw him, stood up waving
.  She walked over noticing other women kissing and hugging their loved ones and being told to sit down by the screws.

Ivan shook her hand and thanked her for coming. They sat in silence for what seemed like an age, neither of them knowing what to say.  Tanya broke the silence first.

“How are you?” she asked

“I didn’t do it Tanya, you know that don’t you?” answering her question with a question.

“What
’
s the yellow stripe for” she asked not quite wanting to commit herself.

“That’s put on prisoners that are an escape or suicide risk” he replied.

“Oh,” she said.

Silence again.  This time Ivan broke the silence.

“They’re saying I killed two women Tanya and I didn’t, my brief says I’m looking at life if they find me guilty.” He pleaded, tears forming in his eyes

“He’s suggested I do a plea, but I’ve said no, I’m not going down for something I didn’t do”

“No, no that would be wrong” was all Tanya could say.

“So, I need all the help I can get”

“Yes, yes I’m sure you do”

“So I was thinking” he said.  Here it comes Tanya thought, what I was expecting and what I’ve prepared for.  I’d just hoped I wouldn’t have to do this.

“Thinking what?” She asked biding herself some time.

“Will you give evidence for me, Tanya? I think it might help, you know”

“In what way Ivan?” she asked.

“Well, you’ve been working with
me;
you can tell them that I haven’t done it!”

“Ivan” Tanya said calmly.  “As much as I believe you, I don’t know that you didn’t do it.....”

“But..............” Ivan interrupted.

“Let me finish Ivan” Tanya said. “Of course, I would like to help you, but I don’t think me giving evidence would go in your favour”

“Why” Ivan asked concern etched on his face.

“Because if I stood in court, I would possibly have to give information that you have disclosed to me”

“Yes well that’s fine” he said “I have no problem with that, I will sign to say that you can”

“Ivan, you don’t understand, if I discuss in court about your cross dressing and your sexual problem, this may damage your character.  If I discuss what you told me about being arrested when you were nineteen for sex with a minor it would damage your case, I’m trying to protect you Ivan, the prosecution would have a field day with that, they would twist it and make you look guilty”

Ivan understood, he had forgot about the incident with Tasha, she was fifteen, they were
in a relationship, but her
parents and the police didn’t see it like that.  He was never charged but he agreed it wouldn’t look good if it was brought up now.

Tanya recognising that the cogs of his mind were turning
, she
knew that she had got him, and got him thinking.

“So you see Ivan, as much as I would like to help you, I think I’d be helping you more
by
staying out of court”.

“Yes, yes” he agreed you are probably right.

They talked for awhile, about superficial things, the weather, how he was coping and then the bell went.  Visiting time was over.  She left pleased that she had convinced Ivan that her services would be more of a hindrance than a help.

She hailed a taxi, got her train back feeling more relieved than she had in a long time.  If she was called to court even as a character witness, then the risk came that the
prosecution would look into her past and use that against her.

Her life was comfortable now, no-one knew her and she didn’t want that coming out to haunt her.  She didn’t want to have all of her life resurrected, and Stephen she couldn’t bare for Stephen to find out and even if he wasn’t in the court he would be told.

This all could have been a nightmare. She needed to be a little bit more choosey about her clientele in future.

The train arrived in
Leicester;
she needed a drink, a stiff drink.  She took out her mobile and rang Stephen
.

“Stephen Roberts” he answered, she loved the way he didn’t answer with his title. He was not pretentious at all.

“Hi” she said “fancy a drink?”

“Yes, what now?” he asked.

“Yes please” she said “I’ve had a
helluva
day, just need to get drunk”

“
Wanna
talk about it” he asked.

“No thanks, I don’t particularly want to relive it, just need to have some fun that’s all.

“No problem, fun you shall have, shall we meet in the usual place?” he asked

“That would be good she said, see you soon” and switched off her phone.

Chapter
Twenty-
Six

Friday 18
th
April

The music was pounding just like she liked
it;
she
swivelled her body
on the dance floor
feeling like a movie star.
Cocaine
had
always
made her feel like a movie star, made her feel unique and confident.
 

When she had a line of coke she was no longer the butch tattooed dyke looking bird that she was, she was sexy, beautiful with an hour glass figure that everyone was now looking at and
admiring.
  She could feel their piercing eyes on her body and thrust her hips even more to tantalise them.

They all wanted her, she imagined,
they
were desperate to have her, to take her, to run their tongues over her luscious body and caress her pert breasts she dreamed.

Floss as her friends called her knew deep d
own that she was no
looker
, she ha
d ruined herself in her punk days by the holes left behind from her lip and eyebrow piercings, and her tattooed arms and back that now made her look grotesque and dirty.
  She wasn’t anything special then, but she at least looked clean.
 

But on cocaine she could forget all that and imagine she was a super model that everyone wanted to fuck.

Guys wanted to fuck her alright, but that was because they thought she was a dyke and they got a thrill out of thinking they’d converted her.  She wasn’t though
,
had never even kissed a girl,
and had
no interest.  The only kiss she’d
ever given a girl was a Hartlepool kiss, a quick head butt between the eyes.

She was well known too, notorious for being the hardest girl on the estate; she loved a good fight made her feel better about herself.

At this moment in time, she was flying high, the cocaine working its way around her body, making her feel good, making her feel special.

Floss
didn’t care about the ‘crash’ that the cocaine would leave her with
for
the following couple of days. 
She could always take something else if it got too bad.

She didn’t even care that she’d been told that the substance of her choice would make her heart go faster and that her heart would then make her other organs speed up, wearing them out faster.  Her lungs, her kidneys, her bladder, all her organs would be a lot older than she was.  She didn’t give a toss that it may take twenty years off her life.

“Who wanted to live till they were seventy anyway, when all you could do was sit in a chair and wait to die, who wanted that extra twenty years when you were pissing and shitting yourself” she would say.

Floss didn’t have a care in the world, she was a drug addict, any time her self esteem felt low, or she felt depressed or anxious, she would just pump herself with drugs
and
that would
d
iminish
those feelings and make her feel good again. 

Her body had no value to her anyway, so any do
gooder
that tried to tell her what she was putting her body and her mind through she just ignored and got on with the life she wanted to live.  It was her life, her body and her mind, so ‘fuck off’ was all she would say.

She felt that getting wasted was an art and tonight she had decided to make a masterpiece, she was adamant she was
gonna
get off her trolley.

She had always dabbled with drugs, but she had become dependent on them after her mother died. 

She was one of three daughters and had always been the black sheep of the family, the one that rebelled, the one that left school at fourteen and terrorised the streets, she loved the fact that she frightened people.
 

The one that slept around shagged anything with three legs.  She was the one that was always in trouble with the police for shoplifting, fighting or nicking cars.

Whereas her sisters were all goody two shoes, stayed on at college, gone to university, required good jobs, met nice blokes and had perfect children.

Then when she was twenty five her mother fell ill,
this was her chance to prove herself,
it was cancer and it was terminal. 

Floss moved in to take care of her.  It had to be down to her as she was the only one of the
three without children, and Floss didn’t mind, she could make it up to her mum, make up for all the bad things she had done, get in her sisters good books too.  Black sheep turned white she had thought.

It hadn’t worked out like that though, it had been hard work looking after her mum and as much as Floss had tried to people please her and run to her every whim, her mother had still hated her, she could tell, still brought up her past, never let her live it down. 

Her sisters weren’t much better, they had even accused her of stealing from her own mother while she was dying and spending their inheritance.  She had to live on something for fucks sake, she couldn’t make any money while she was playing nursemaid.  It didn’t help that she had spent
the money on drugs, but she had to have some enjoyment, some way to chill
out once her mum went to sleep in the evenings.

Her drug use had gradually increased, whilst taking care of her mum and had sky rocketed after she died and after all the hassle her sisters gave her.

She took anything now. Cocaine, pills, crack and had even took heroin to bring her down from the crack when she couldn’t get hold of any
roofies
which was the street name for
rohypnol
.

She was alone now, no family they didn’t want to know her, no friends either really.  She was not daft she knew that people only pretended to be her friend because they were scared of her.  Better to have her as a friend than as an enemy, and her drug using friends were fair-weathered, they only hung around if they knew she had a fix.

She ha
d managed to keep the house though, the council had said that she could stay in it as it was only two bed roomed.  So at least she had a place that she could take men home to.

She had even tried to keep it tidy, had decorated it to her liking and brought some new furniture from a loan she had got from the benefits agency.  She had shoplifted a few small items too.  It was starting to look different now, more modern, she just needed to get rid of the flowery carpets and lay some wooden floor.

She bopped all over the dance floor, not caring who she knocked or got in the way of, she was on a roll now, she’d got the rhythm and
fuck did she feel horny.