Handle With Care (21 page)

S
hane entered the ER and saw Lauren immediately. She shot him an angry look, then came over to his side. “Did you confront, Dr. Knowles?”

“I spoke with him,” Shane answered.

“He said you asked some questions about the two of us.” She glanced at him. “Why would you do that?”

“Is there a two of you?” His eyes held hers.

“That’s none of your business.” She folded her arms and looked away.

“Seems to be the standard reply. Knowles said the same thing. Now, if someone asked me if I was dating you, I’d be more up front. Would be happy for people to know.”

“What do you want, Shane?”

“I want you to forgive me. I’m doing well, going to AA. I have not even looked at a drink, nor do I want to.” His stomach churned and he felt a sharp pain in the region of his heart. How could he ever make it right with her? What could he say to make her trust him again?

She shrugged. “I’m glad to hear that, but whether I see Dr. Knowles or not is clearly not your affair. Please don’t interfere.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, then blurted, “He’s probably exactly what you need, and if you care about him, then I’ll stand aside. But if there’s the slightest chance, just the slightest, then I’m going to fight for you.”

“I don’t want you fighting for me, or standing around waiting. I need to move on and so do you. What we had together was special, but I can’t risk it again.” She had a guilty expression on her face when she said it, but looked him square in the eye.

He had no intention of giving up easily and letting her run off with George. He’d already thrown her into one man’s arms, and look how that had turned out. “Remember I told you about that bike race at Monmouth, for the Wounded Warriors? It’s in three weeks, and I’d really love you and Josh to come along and support me.”

She touched his arm. “I’m glad you have something else to focus on besides me. It’s an amazing organization, and I’m pleased that you’ve stayed involved.”

“It’s my goal to work for them some day.”

Her expression softened, and she gave him a brief smile. “That’s wonderful, Shane. Make me proud.”

He intended to.

Lauren returned to the ER, and the everyday chaos helped put Shane out of her head. But when she returned home, Josh reminded her soon enough.

“Mom? Did Shane come into the ER? I called him when I got home from school and he said he spoke to you today. Did he, Mom? Did he?”

“Well, yes, but why did you call him, dear?” She felt chilled inside. “I asked you not to.”

“We didn’t talk about much. I just like talking to him.” Josh became agitated, scratching his arms, eyes darting everywhere.

“I know you do, honey, but please don’t call him again. He needs to focus on getting well. It’s best if we leave him alone for now. Understood?”

“I guess so.” Josh jumped up. “I have an idea. Why don’t we go bowling this weekend and ask Shane to come too? Bowling won’t make his sickness worse, will it?”

She smiled. “No. It won’t make it worse, but he needs to be alone right now to figure things out.”

“What kind of things?”

“Oh, the kind of things that are important to him.” She turned away, “But what are we talking about him for? You haven’t told me about your day. What happened at school? Anything new or fun?”

“No. Thomas wouldn’t play with me, and the other kids weren’t very nice. I hate school. Do I have to go tomorrow?”

“Oh, hon. You’re the best kid I know. I don’t understand why anyone is mean to you. Have you been nice to them?”

“Yeah. Mostly. But if they say bad things, I don’t like it. I took Bobby’s lunch and threw it into the garbage and then I had detention. It wasn’t fair! It wasn’t my fault.” He started to cry. “Why are they so mean?”

She had no answer for that. “Why don’t we do something special this weekend? You want to go to a water park or go down to the boardwalk and play at the arcade? Won’t that be fun?”

“Yeah, okay. Wish Shane could be with us, though.”

Me too, she thought, but if he wanted to be a part of their lives again, he had some hard work and a lot of making up to do.

The following Saturday, Lauren and Josh went to the boardwalk and spent hours trying to win big prizes at the arcade. They had fish and chips and rented a single surrey and rode up and down, waving at everyone they passed. They ate ice cream cones, and took a paddleboat out too. The only thing marring the afternoon was Lauren’s realization that something was missing. Without Shane, neither one of them was happy.

She hadn’t cared deeply about anyone since her husband died, and even though she’d told herself a thousand times Shane was not hers for the keeping, she hadn’t truly believed it. A part of her had hoped that, given time, it would all work out.

It wasn’t in her nature to love someone a little. She’d always been an all-or-nothing kind of girl. And although Shane had never spoken words of love, he hadn’t needed to. She’d known his feelings ran deep. Just as she knew he was a good, kind man, a man of principle, someone worthy of love. He’d risked life and limb for his country and had paid a heavy price.

When would his torment end, when would he find peace? It seemed so unfair.

“Mom?” Josh said. “Can we go home now? I’m tired.”

“Me too.” She took his hand, and they walked toward the exit. “I’m sorry we didn’t win one of those panda bears, but we sure had fun trying.”

“Can’t we call Shane? I bet he’d win one of those bears. And other prizes too. We don’t have to see him all the time. Just once in a while.” He gave her a pleading look. “Please, please, please?”

The look on his face, the words, deepened her pain. She desperately wanted to give in and make her son happy—make herself happy too—but she knew it would be the wrong thing to do. Shane still had a lot of healing to do.

“I wish we could, honey, but it doesn’t work that way.”

“Why not?” Josh yanked his hand away, and pouted.

“Because if we become friendly again, we’ll want to see him all the time.” Truer words had never been said. She’d want more and more of him, a part-time Shane wouldn’t be enough. Not near enough.

“What’s wrong with that?” Josh wanted to know. He began kicking at the ground, scuffing his shoes.

“He has nightmares because of the war, honey. Bad dreams that upset him and make him act … strange.”

Josh looked baffled, and she couldn’t blame him. But there was only so much she could tell him.

“He’s not a bad person,” she added. “He just needs to figure a few things out, and when he does, maybe then we can be friends again.”

“I hope he hurries, because I don’t want you to date anyone else.”

She gave him a curious look. “What makes you think I’d do that?”

“Because I heard Julie on the phone and she said you were out on a date last week.” He pouted and gave her a fixed glare. “You told me you had to work late.”

“Maybe I did. You might have misunderstood what Julie said. Besides, if I wanted to go out with someone, that’s my decision as an adult and a parent. Right?”

“I guess.”

“Okay, son. Let’s go home and I’ll help you with your homework. You do have some, don’t you?”

“No.” He stopped his skipping, and returned to scuffing his shoes.

“You sure?” She narrowed her eyes at him. “You always have schoolwork on weekends. Anything I can help you with?”

“Uh, let me see.” He thought for a moment. “I have my reader, and some numbers to do. I’m lousy at both.”

“No, you’re not, but we can do them together. I’ll be happy to help.” There was a line of taxis waiting, and she opened the rear door of the first one. “Your carriage awaits,” she said, and made a flourishing movement with her arm.

“You talk funny.” He slid in, made room for her, and immediately yawned. “I’m too tired for homework. How about if I go to bed and you do it?”

“Good try, o sleepy one.” She kissed his head. “Take a nap on the way home.”

Within seconds, Josh’s head lolled back, and he was fast asleep. She was exhausted too. Every night she tossed and turned, tortured with indecision and helpless longing.

But for Josh’s sake, she had to be strong.

T
hat Monday, Lauren went to the hospital cafeteria early, hoping to see George Knowles and have a word with him. Instead, Shane walked in.

She hoped he wouldn’t see her, but lady luck wasn’t on her side. He glanced around, spotted her immediately and marched over. “Lauren … can I join you?”

“I’m here to meet someone,” she replied. “What are you doing here, Shane?”

“I came to see you. You won’t let me get near, so I have to hang around places you frequent.” His eyes roamed over her face and she felt her cheeks heat up. “Pathetic, I know.”

“Please give up, Shane.” She crossed her arms.

“Never.” His eyes held hers. “Not until you find a man worthy of you. And I don’t mean Dr. Knowles.”

“Why? What’s wrong with him, dare I ask?”

Shane frowned. “George isn’t the man for you.” He moved in closer and her breath hitched. “He’s okay if you like handsome, successful doctors, but I can tell you one thing. He doesn’t love you the way I do.”

She stepped back. “I thought I found the man who was right for me, but I made a mistake.” Her eyes held his. “We both did.”

The moment the words were out of Lauren’s mouth, she regretted them. Shane’s eyes darkened, and he looked as though he might kiss her. Right there in the cafeteria, before God and all the gossipy staff.

She actually licked her lips in anticipation, but then he seemed to think better of it and moved back. She hated the disappointment that surged through her, chilling her blood. Wanting this man was an addiction. Nearly as bad as his addiction to alcohol.

Clearly, she couldn’t be around him. He was the most intoxicating man she’d ever met.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“You don’t want to know,” she answered, and swiftly turned away. She practically ran from the room, forgetting dinner, the reason she’d come.

In his presence she couldn’t think straight. She became weak when she needed to be strong.

She dived back into work, and fortunately had enough emergencies to distract her from her thoughts. First came a motorcycle accident. The passenger didn’t have her helmet properly fastened and now faced head trauma. A child came in next. The parents swore she’d fallen down the stairs, but Lauren noticed old wounds and feared the worst. An alcoholic, reeking of booze and vomit, came in with a wound on his head, probably from falling, and blood pouring from his nose.

At last her shift was over, and she gratefully walked out the door. As soon as she did, she stood rock still. Shane sat in an idling car, waiting for her.

“Get in,” he called. “We have to talk.”

She reached for the door handle, not sure if she wanted to open it. But curiosity got the better of her.

“Come on,” he said. “I don’t bite.” He grinned. “Hard.”

She laughed at the old joke and slipped into the passenger seat. He only drove as far as the employee parking lot, so he had no plans of running off with her.

Not yet, anyway.

“Okay,” she said when he parked. “Talk.”

“I’m not here to discuss Dr. Knowles, or you or me.”

“Then what? What’s so important now that you couldn’t have told me earlier today?”

“Josh.” He paused, knowing he had her full attention. “He’s been calling me. A lot.”

She had given Josh her old cell when she got her iPhone so that he could call her when she was at work. He didn’t take it to school, but liked to have it near him at night.

“I knew you two had spoken a few times, but I made him promise not to call you again.”

“Well, promise or no promise, the boy calls me every night before he goes to sleep.” He glanced out the window, then back at her. “I’ve tried to discourage him.”

“I didn’t know.” Lauren’s hand flew up to her throat. “I should have known.” She glanced at him. “What does he say to you?”

“You know how he feels. He keeps asking me why he can’t see me anymore, and don’t I want to see him.” Shane scratched his head. “It’s painful. Poor little guy. He said, can’t I get well and be his dad?”

“Oh, Shane.” Heat rushed to her face, and her heart beat like a bird’s wing inside her chest. “I feel awful. He loves you, I know he does. This is breaking his heart. And mine.”

“Mine too. I don’t know what to say to him. What do you want me to say?”

She opened her mouth, then closed it again. “I don’t know. I’ve explained to him as well as I can. I’ve told him this is not your fault, that you have a sickness inside of you, and until you’re healed, we can’t see you. Am I doing the right thing? Tell me, Shane. Is keeping Josh away from you right or wrong?”

He hesitated, then cupped her face in his one hand. “I don’t have an easy answer. I swear I can control this disease and not let it get the better of me. I will, Lauren. It would be easier if I had you at my side, but with you or without you, I’m not going to drink again. Ever. I have too much to lose.” His fingers stroked through her hair. “I can only control one day at a time, and I shouldn’t make promises, but just the thought of a drink makes me sick.”

She swallowed hard. “You frightened me, Shane, and I can’t allow Josh to see you like that. I have to protect him, even if it means breaking his heart.”

Shane dropped his hand and straightened, staring out the windshield. “I won’t answer the phone again when he calls. I won’t encourage him.”

She nodded, even as disappointment threatened to drown her. “That’s probably best. It’s going to upset him of course, but I’ll tell Julie to take his phone away at night when she puts him to bed. And I’ll have a talk with him and explain why. We’re not punishing him, but he’ll think we are.” She brushed a tear from her eye. “Why does life have to be so tough? He lost his father when he was only three. He’s lost enough.”

Shane turned to her again. “Kids are resilient, you know that. He’ll get over it soon, but it would help if he could make some new friends. How’s it going at school?”

She told him about her most recent talk with the school counselor, how Josh was instigating fights. “That’s not like him, Shane. He’s always been a good boy. Sensitive.”

“You’re right. He
is
a good boy, and maybe I was wrong to try to discourage you from seeing George. If you really like him, I’ll stay clear. Josh needs a man around. Even if you don’t,” he added with a sad smile.

“It’s not that I don’t,” she said quietly. “But nobody is perfect, and I don’t want to compromise.”

“You shouldn’t have to.”

“Thanks for telling me this tonight. I’ll have a talk with Josh.” She opened the car door. “I believe in you, Shane. I know you can beat your addictions and be the man you want to be. I’m betting on it.”

He gave her a long look. “So am I.”

Two nights later, Josh ran away.

Lauren was at work when Julie called the hospital to say there was an emergency at home. She raced out of the ER to make the call home. “What’s happened? Is Josh all right?”

“He’s not here! I put him to bed as always, and took away his phone, like you said.” She heard Julie sniffle and blow her nose.

“He’s gone? He ran away?” Lauren grabbed her stomach, feeling like a cannonball had shot right through her.

“I’m sorry,” Julie said, “but when I left him, he didn’t seem upset. He was just kind of quiet. I waited a while and when I didn’t hear anything, I opened the door a crack to see if he’d fallen asleep. I do hate to hear that boy cry.”

Lauren listened to her words, feeling like her life was slipping away. If she lost Josh … no, she had to hold on tight. Control, she needed control.

“Julie. Did you check the house? Maybe he’s hiding somewhere.”

“Yes, I did. He’s not here.”

“Have you called the police?” Panic made her voice unusually hard.

“Not yet. I wanted to call you first.”

“How could he have gotten out?” She fought to stay calm, but the walls in the corridor seemed to be closing in.

“I was in the family room watching TV. He must have tiptoed right behind me and left by the front door. I don’t know why I didn’t hear him.”

“Did you go outside and look around? Maybe he’s out in the garden or down at the park.”

“I ran out first thing. I looked all around the yard, and up and down the street. Then I came back inside and called you.”

“You need to hang up now and call 911.” She drew in a deep breath. “I’ll be home soon. I just have to make sure they have someone to cover for me, and then I’ll be on my way. Probably thirty minutes tops.” She wiped away a tear. This was no time to fall apart. “Don’t worry. We’ll find him.”

“I hope so, Dr. Reynolds. I sure do.”

“I’ll call Shane. It’s possible that Josh has headed there.”

“Good idea. I bet you’re right. He’s probably gone to find Shane.” Julie suddenly gasped. “Oh no! He doesn’t have his cell phone with him. I have it right here.”

Lauren’s heart tightened and squeezed. She felt dizzy. “He won’t know where to go,” she whispered. “Shane lives thirty minutes away, and he’s never been there.” She shook her head to clear it. “How could I not have seen this coming?”

“You can’t blame yourself. You were doing what you thought was the right thing for the boy.”

“Buy why did he run away, instead of turning to me?”

A mistake in judgment had resulted in her husband’s death. If that happened to Josh … No! No! She mustn’t think like that. She could bear anything, but not that.