Hard Choices (19 page)

“You own a home there?” I whispered.

“I know,” he said quietly, “what are the odds we’d both be obsessed by the same corner of Europe?”

This time I reached out and took his hand. “Matthew, you continue to intrigue me.”

He looked surprised. “I do? I thought you were just going out with me to be polite to Robert’s old friend.” As soon as it was out of his mouth, he looked like he regretted saying it. “I mean, I – never mind.” He laughed and took a bite of rice.

“Yes, you’re right. That’s it exactly,” I said flatly. “What could I possibly find interesting in a gorgeous, intelligent, worldly triathlete who, by his own account, treats his mother and his daughter like queens?”

His face lit up, and I saw a childlike smile I hadn’t seen before. “You think I’m gorgeous?” I rolled my eyes. “What? That’s the first compliment you’ve paid me, OK? Can’t blame a guy for trying to soak it in.”

I laughed. “Oh my god, you’re adorable.”

“Compliment Number 2!” He held up his beer bottle to clink with mine, and I laughed again. It felt great.

“Can I ask
you
a question, Lyssa?”

“Of course.”

“Why didn’t
you
call
me
after the first night we met?”

“I… um… did you want me to? You didn’t ask for my number, or give me yours…” I was so confused.

He laughed. “I guess we’re both bad at this. Glad I finally sucked it up and just showed up at your office.”

“Yeah, me too,” I smiled. And he smiled back.

***

I made sure to finish up my meal with some of the pickled ginger. I didn’t want wasabi breath if he decided to go in for a kiss.

As we walked out to our cars, I was grateful I’d had the foresight to suggest we drive ourselves. If he’d driven me home, I’m not sure I would have shown any restraint. Big Ed was getting quite the workout since Aaron had left, but my body ached for some actual touch. My body ached for Matthew’s touch.

I walked a little in front on Matthew, and again he kept his hand on the small of my back as we made small talk across the parking lot. I was commenting on the beautiful moon when suddenly, he grabbed my elbow and pulled me around.

“Lyssa,” he said quietly.

I held my breath. He was standing so close to me. My body wanted nothing more than to lean into him, to feel him along every inch of me. But I just didn’t know how to make myself move. Matthew wasn’t some kid I could play with and toss back. He was… dangerously close to everything I could want in a man. I was terrified to screw it up.

“Lyssa,” he said again, and leaned in to kiss me. He was so gentle, so respectful. His kiss was soft, but insistent. I slipped my arms around his waist, running my hands up his back; he cupped my face in his hands, sliding one hand back through my hair to the base of my skull. He pulled the comb out of my hair, so it tumbled down my shoulders. Then he tightened his fist in my hair, pulling on my hair very gently. I felt my breath catch as I fought back a moan. I felt like my knees were going weak. All I could think was, he knew how to do it right.

Matthew stirred feelings in me that Aaron never had. I had lust for Aaron, and I really liked him, but Matthew… Matthew made me feel like a schoolgirl with her first crush.

First crushes can lead to broken hearts.

Finally, he pulled back with a huge smile on his face. “Wow,” he said, still with his hands in my hair. “You have such beautiful hair. It’s as soft as I imagined.” He leaned his forehead against mine and massaged my head with his fingers. But I wasn’t done. I tilted my face up to his again. He was a little shorter than Aaron, which made his height the perfect match for mine. I took his face in my hands and pulled him down to me. Matthew didn’t even hesitate. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me, just a little, up onto my toes. Our bodies pressed against each other, oblivious to the cold November air.

We might have stood there for hours like that, but a car door slammed a few feet away, and we pulled apart, reluctantly.

We stood there for a moment, still holding each other, neither of us knowing what to say. I wondered if he was going to invite me home, or should I invite him home? I didn’t want to seem easy, I just didn’t know what to do.

Finally Matthew decided for us. “Hey, it’s cold. Hop in my car with me for a minute,” he said a little breathlessly.

“OK,” I answered, just as breathlessly. He opened the passenger-side door for me, and I got in.

He went around and got in his side, immediately starting the engine to get the heater going.

“I didn’t mention this yet, but I sold my Port Orchard house. I’m finally living here full-time.”

“When did you decide that?” I asked nervously – I hoped our karaoke night hadn’t had anything to do with it.

He smiled, clearly reading my mind. “Quite a while ago, actually,” he reached across the seats and took my hand. He began massaging my palm as he continued to explain, “Audrey finished college and has settled in Portland. My mom is ready to go somewhere warm, ‘where the sun makes more than an occasional appearance,’ as she put it, so she found a place in Arizona near her sister. I’m truly on my own for the first time in more than twenty years,” he sighed deeply, and I grinned.

“I know
exactly
how you feel,” I nodded, trying not to be distracted by his thumb pressing circles into my palm. I was wondering if there was some sort of erotic pressure point there. “It is so liberating to be answerable to no one,” I said, trying to focus on our conversation.

“Yeah,” he said quietly, “but a little lonely, too. Listen, Lyssa, I don’t want to pressure you. I don’t want… I don’t want to screw this up,” he looked up at me. “
You
need to tell
me
how and when you… you want to move forward.”

I had to admit: seeing a self-assured gorgeous triathlete looking so nervous was incredibly appealing. Also, I really,
really
wanted to rip his clothes off. But I just didn’t know how to go about this.

I turned so I was sitting on my hip and facing him. Before I could speak, he said, “How about dinner again tomorrow night?”

“I can’t,” I grimaced. “I have plans with my son, Kyle. I’m meeting his new girlfriend. How about Wednesday night?”

“That’d be great! Can I cook for you?”

Cook for me. Out at his place. The same part of me that screamed at me to take a chance and have a wild affair with Aaron was now screaming at me to slow down. And I knew why: my heart was never really in danger with Aaron. I just wasn’t ready for a nice romantic dinner in close proximity to his bedroom. I didn’t trust myself.

“Um, how about dinner at the Wine Cave?” I suggested, and I saw his face register where I was going. Or rather, where I wasn’t willing to go. Yet. But the Wine Cave was the most romantic place in town, and the food was fantastic.

“I’d love that,” he pulled my hand up to his mouth and kissed it. “But you have to at least let me pick you up this time.” I nodded. Then, impulsively, I pulled his hand up and entwined my fingers with his, and used my other hand to pull his head closer to me. I leaned in and kissed him again, not as gently this time.

Kissing across two front seats in an SUV is not the easiest thing to do comfortably. But I didn’t care. Matthew was an amazing kisser. He let go of my hand and slid his hand up my side, inside my sweater. He didn’t go near my breasts, but the heat from his hand on my skin was making me wonder how many erotic pressure points the human body has.

It was taking a lot of self-control not to climb into his lap. After a minute I realized I was going to bruise my ribs leaning into the center console, so I tried to shift my weight. That’s when Matthew pulled away and smiled at me.

“It was easier to make out in cars when the front had bench seats,” he said huskily. His eyes were dilated, and his lips were red and a little swollen. I bit my lip, realizing I looked the same way. “Lyssa – “ he said in that same husky voice and he leaned in and kissed me again, but then he pulled back. “Lyssa, I don’t want to go too fast. I want you to be comfortable,” he chuckled, “and from the way your body is contorted right now, you do not look comfortable.”

He was right. This was not the place for our first time together. When I was honest with myself, I wasn’t ready to go home with him, or invite him home with me – no matter how badly I was going to abuse Big Ed later tonight.

I pulled away, reluctantly, straightening my sweater. But when I looked back at him, his soft eyes and full lips, the look of wonder on his face, I couldn’t resist – I slid my hand up inside his shirt. God, he was like a rock. I leaned in and kissed his cheek just in front of his ear, and I whispered, “You are so beautiful, I just want to touch you one more time.”

Matthew moaned and rolled his head back as I slid my hand up his chest. Then, before I could even react, he slammed his chair back all the way and pulled me into his lap. He had me lying across his lap with my head against the window, his mouth all over mine, our hands all over each other, frantically pulling each other’s shirts up.

I had no idea how long we were like that – not long enough – but he pulled away, and stared into my eyes, both of us almost panting, “Lyssa, Lyssa, stop.” He pulled me upright. “I… I am getting way too carried away, here – ”

“Yeah,” I swallowed, “me too.” I scrambled back across the console into my seat and tried to right my clothes again.

I glanced up and realized Matthew was watching me.

“If you keep looking at me like that, I am going to end up in your lap again,” I smiled at him.

“Like what?” he asked.

I
almost
said, “Like a lion in heat,” because that’s what he looked like. But we were trying to tone things
down
, so I laughed and looked out the front windshield. Then I started giggling: “Oh my god, we completely fogged up the windows!”

He laughed, too, then winced.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, panicking that I’d hurt him in all my tumbling.

He shook his head, put his weight on his feet and pulled himself off the seat, straightening his legs and adjusting his jeans. I tried not to stare at the bulge in his jeans, but I couldn’t look away. “It’s been a long time – a
long
time – since I was this, um, aroused,” he smiled sheepishly, “while still
confined
in a pair of jeans.” I was still staring at his bulge, and I knew my face was flushing with heat again. He put his hand under my chin and tilted my face up to look at him. “If you keep looking at
me
like that,” he said quietly, “I am going to get you in the back seat and take you.”

I put my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes, trying not to think about how that would feel. And I tried really hard not to moan out loud… but did not succeed. “Lyssa,” Matthew said seriously, “do you want me to take you home?”

I swallowed again. I really, really wanted Matthew to take me. Home, in the backseat, anywhere.

I opened my eyes and rolled my head to the side and looked him in the eye.

“I’m sorry, Matthew,” I looked down, “I need to get home. I didn’t mean – “ I started to pull my purse up from where it had fallen on the floor of the car.

“No, no! Please don’t be sorry. I’m not. Not at all. Lyssa, look at me,” I looked up and saw that he was genuinely smiling. “I don’t think you led me on. I don’t think you’re a tease. Look, we both wanted… that… I’m an adult,” he smiled again, “and I can handle a case of blue balls if it means getting a chance to know you better.”

I barked out a laugh. “Blue balls? I haven’t heard that expression since high school!” I started giggling, and couldn’t stop. Then Matthew started. Soon we both had tears in our eyes.

Finally, he was able to choke out, “Well, I don’t think I’ve
had
them since high school, so thank you for making me feel like a teenager again.”

Finally our laughter subsided and I wiped my eyes, hoping my makeup wasn’t running down my face.

“You have the cutest giggle,” he said quietly.

I looked over at him again. “Good night, Matthew. I had a wonderful time. And I am really looking forward to our next date.”

He nodded. “Right, at the Wine Cave.”

I got out of his car and Matthew hopped out, too. I came around the front of his car, clicking my key fob to unlock my car, and trying not to giggle as he adjusted his jeans.

“Shaddup,” he teased as he followed me around to the driver’s side of my car, again with his hand in the small of my back.

He opened my car door and backed away as I stepped in and closed the door. I started my car and rolled down the window. He leaned in through the window and gave me a very sweet kiss on the lips. Then he whispered in my ear, “Next time, I’ll wear looser pants,” and dropped a kiss on my cheek as I started laughing nervously.

As I drove away, I marveled at how
good
I felt – from head to toe, and everywhere in between. We had talked, laughed, had so much in common. And our chemistry… wow.
Slow down,
my brain tried to say,
you barely know him.
My heart chimed in,
Give it time! Don’t get too attached too soon!
It didn’t matter what either of them said, though. My ladyparts were going to win this debate. I just wasn’t sure when.