Hard Edge (4 page)

Chapter 5

Kenna

I’d been to
exactly two funerals in my life. One for my hamster, Sookie, where my parents and I stood out in the pouring rain quickly trying to shovel dirt into the hole before Sookie’s coffin, an empty tissue box, disintegrated from moisture. The second was for my ninety-five-year-old great-grandmother, Maddie, a woman who had ‘seen it all and laughed through most of it’ or at least that was what her seventy-five-year-old son, my grandfather, had said in the eulogy. ‘She had a good long life’ it was a phrase I remembered hearing again and again as I sat at my grandmother’s house after the funeral eating crumb cake and sipping bitter lemon tea. I was only ten, and I couldn’t understand how anyone could think her life had been long enough. I was prepared and determined to live long past one hundred mostly because, at ten, the reality of inevitable death was too terrifying and too hard to swallow. That was still mostly true. Especially when the person in the highly varnished casket, surrounded by white and yellow roses, was only twenty-six years old. There were no mutterings of ‘he had a good, long life’ at this, my third funeral. Maddie’s funeral had been somber but mostly pleasant with hugs and smiles as people reminisced about her colorful personality and her love of life. But somber wasn’t even close when it came to describing the atmosphere at Grady’s funeral. There just wasn’t an adjective bleak or grim or angry enough to convey how it felt to see a perfectly vibrant young man being laid to rest for eternity.

My feet seemed to be floating above the grass, not wanting to touch the ground or admit this was actually happening. I clutched the stuffed Scooby Doo dog close to my side. I’d decided on my way out the door that I had to carry it with me.

I was an hour into what was solidly one of the worst days of my life. So far it had been a blur of tears and brief conversations with people I hardly knew or recognized anymore. I realized the only things I would remember about the whole awful day was that a bumble bee kept buzzing around the pews causing mild cases of panic throughout the pastor’s sermon and that Kevin Stratton, Grady’s dad, an ex-marine, who had never wavered from having perfectly ramrod straight posture had walked into the church so limp and hunched forward that it seemed as if all his bones had turned to gelatin overnight. And I would remember the open seat that had been left next to his dad, the seat that had been saved for Caden but that sat vacant throughout the entire church service.

I wasn’t completely surprised. As a kid, Caden had always had a hard time sitting still for church. He’d gotten in plenty of trouble for it too. But I was disappointed that he hadn’t shown up, if for nothing else, for his dad. And for me. After we’d met up at the park, I’d been busy helping my mom, and Caden had needed to stick close to home, to help out with things. I hadn’t seen him since.

The hillside gravesite was already crowded by the time Mom, Dad and I walked across the grass to the mound of dirt and rectangular ditch. It was silent enough to hear the traffic from the interstate far below as the Hearst pulled up to the site.

I held my dad’s hand and gripped Scooby with the other. We watched as they opened the back door. My tears flowed again. This was it. This was Grady’s final journey. The funeral was supposed to bring closure, but to me, it felt like grinding salt into a wound. My head was spinning like a toy top. One minute, I found myself convinced that there was just no damn way Grady was inside the coffin and the next, it felt as if my head would explode from thinking he was gone forever.

My mom let loose an angry sounding sigh. I looked up to see what had her upset. She had on her dark sunglasses, but I could see that she was staring straight at the Hearst. “It’s about time he showed up,” she muttered.

As the men appointed as pallbearers pulled the coffin from the Hearst, Caden’s tall, dark head towered over the rest of them. He had on dark sunglasses and he’d pulled on a black suit coat, borrowed from his dad, no doubt, over a white t-shirt and black jeans. He walked stiffly, as if in pain, with his share of the burden. My heart split in two watching as he helped position the coffin over the grave. He stopped and stared at his brother’s coffin for a long moment. Then he walked past the curious onlookers, without a word to anyone, and positioned himself far from the group but in hearing range of the pastor.

The gravesite ceremony was short and simple. While it felt better to be outside in the fresh air than inside the thick walls of the church, my legs wobbled through the entire thing. More than once, I glanced back at Caden. He had his arms crossed tightly as if that was the best way to hold himself together. Even through dark sunglasses, I could see him glance my direction as I looked back.

As the final thoughts and prayers were given, I squeezed my dad’s arm to get his attention. “I’m going to stand with Caden,” I whispered.

“That’s a good idea,” he replied. 

I hiked through the maze of headstones to where Caden was standing. He glanced down at the Scooby toy and smiled weakly.

“Are you going back to your dad’s for the wake?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

He shook his head. “Thought I’d drive out to Poplar’s Beach.”

“Grady’s favorite place.” I looked down at Scooby and ran my palm over the soft fur as if it was a real dog.

“Want to go with me?”

I glanced back. The ceremony was over, but people lingered behind at the gravesite giving final hugs to each other before walking back to their cars. I caught my dad’s attention and waved to let him know I wouldn’t be going with them to the wake. My mom didn’t notice the gesture. That was probably best. I turned back to Caden and took hold of his hand.

Caden lifted his sunglasses onto his head and stared down at the gravesite, then he squeezed my hand and without another word he led me away from the funeral and toward his truck.

Chapter 6

Kenna

It was strange
how completely normal it felt to be driving along the road with Caden, as if we’d never parted, as if he was still an eighteen-year-old driving Grady and me to the movies or the beach. After he’d just barely graduated high school, Caden’s dad had put plenty of pressure on him to ‘find a direction’. He’d decided to join the army. I’d hated the idea of him strapping on weapons and marching off to fight in war torn, dangerous corners of the world, but deep down, I knew it was exactly the right thing for him to do. He had always been restless and bored in Mayfair. And while I never really saw it, others, like teachers and his parents, had always said he lacked discipline. They were sure the army would set him right. For Grady, it had been both a source of worry and pride watching Caden go off to become a soldier.

I smiled thinking about how much Grady had admired his brother. I looked over at Caden. His profile was still chiseled perfection, a straight nose with a strong, masculine jaw all topped off with long eyelashes that looked completely out of place with the rest of him. Unlike Grady, Caden had always had a hard edge about him. I was sure it had come from years of being popped from house to house. Caden had had no choice but to toughen up, otherwise, the confusion of it all would have destroyed him.

My fingers moved absently over the plush toy sitting on the seat next to me. “I still remember that day when we watched you get on the plane to fly off for boot camp. Your mom looked so distraught and Grady told her, ‘those damn terrorists better be ready to kiss their sweet asses good-bye once Caden’s boots hit the desert sand’. Grady thought you were made of steel and grit and everything cool. He idolized you.”

A glimmer of a smile curled his mouth, but he didn’t allow more than that. “Too bad I didn’t give him more to deserve it. I left here thinking I was a badass, but when the harsh reality of fighting a war hits you smack in the face, it brings you back down to earth fast.”

“I heard you were pretty damn amazing over there. You don’t ever like to give yourself credit, Cade. There was a reason Grady looked at you as if you were a rock star. You
are
made of steel and grit and everything cool. You just don’t see it in yourself.”

Caden pulled onto the highway that would eventually curve down toward the coast. “How is the candy making going?” The blatant topic change was enough to convince me to drop the previous subject.

“I think I’ve got two new cavities just from breathing in the air around the kitchen. I love chocolate, but I think this time helping my mom will cure me of that love. At least for a few weeks. I mean—it’s chocolate. They didn’t name it the food of the gods for nothing.”

“Have to agree, chocolate is up there in top ten foods.”

“It’s actually kind of fun just working in the kitchen, wearing shorts and no shoes, chatting with my mom while we get business done.”

“Bet you’ll miss it when you’re working in a law office in those tight, expensive business skirts and high-heeled shoes.”

“Uh, I think you’ve been watching too many law shows on Netflix. And besides, with the debt I’ll be in after law school, I won’t be wearing anything expensive. Trust me.”

“Fine, but I’m still going to imagine you wearing tight skirts and high-heeled shoes with a pencil tucked behind your ear and a sexy little briefcase just because anything else wouldn’t be as fun.”

I reached over and thumped his arm with my fist. “Some things never change.”

“You mean like me thinking women are the best damn thing to daydream about? Guilty. I haven’t changed when it comes to that.”

A bright blue sky stretched out over the highway. It was midsummer, and Poplar’s Beach would have plenty of visitors on a warm, sunny day like today. When we were old enough, but too young to drive, our parents used to let us ride the bus down to Poplar’s Beach. It beat them having to drive us and find parking. Grady and I, and, occasionally, Caden and his friends, would join us. We’d carry our swim fins and our towels onto the bus and spend the day on the sand.

Caden reached over and patted the top of Scooby’s head. “I forgot about your ghost hunting days.”

“That’s because they were short in number . . . and success. We were great at scaring the crap out of each other though. Not the best quality for ghost hunters.” I picked up the stuffed dog and held it in my lap.

Everclear’s “Father of Mine” came on the radio, and it brought me back to the morning and the funeral. Through the emotional hurricane of the day, I’d sensed some tension between Caden and his dad. “What was going on with you and your dad today? You didn’t show to the church, and then, all of a sudden, you were at the gravesite. But I didn’t see you talk to your dad once.”

The tiny muscle in the side of his jaw twitched beneath the dark beard stubble as he kept his eyes glued to a nearly empty highway. He didn’t answer.

“Never mind. It’s not any of my business.”

He seemed relieved that I dropped the subject. I was there to support him through a terrible day. The last thing I needed to do was drop more grief on him by prying into his mostly tumultuous relationship with his dad.

The beach came into view, with its ivory sand, dark blue water and tall lifeguard towers. It brought back plenty of nostalgic memories. We drove past the bus stop bench where, starved and tired after a long day in the water, Grady and I would sit looking like shriveled, salted prunes, waiting for the bus to roll through and take us home.

I gazed out the window and watched our favorite hamburger stand and the string of beach showers pass by. “Feels like I’m too young to be saying this, but I miss the good ole’ days.” I’d cried off and on all morning, to the point where I’d felt completely drained of tears, but the dreaded lump in my throat returned. I squeezed Scooby in my arms and a puff of dust floated up from the fake brown fur. “Guess now, those days are really gone for good.”

Chapter 7

Caden

Kenna and I
hiked down the path to the beach. An onshore breeze had kicked up, causing a red and blue beach umbrella to escape and take off at a full twirl. The frantic owner ran after it as it headed straight toward us. I snatched it as it rolled past and handed it back to the grateful woman.

“Well done,” Kenna quipped as she pulled off her shoes. She glanced down at her dress, a conservative, business type dress, suitable for a job interview or a funeral but not exactly beachwear. “I probably should’ve stopped by the house to change, but too late now.” Before we got out of the truck, she’d had another good, long cry, and we’d sat inside the cab, listening to tunes and not saying a word, until it got too hot.

I pulled off my shoes too, and we headed toward the water. She glanced over at my legs. “I kind of expected you to have a limp after your broken femur.”

“I still do sometimes. Depends on the weather and how long I’ve been sitting.”

She stopped to pick up a shell but then tossed it back to the sand. “Do you miss racing? My dad said you were well on your way to a big career.”

“Yep, things were just starting to take off. Big sponsors were calling. I’m still in touch with the team manager. He’s offered me a spot on the crew if I’m interested. Sort of a step down, but I’m thinking about it. I’m hoping I might be able to get back on the bike again too.”

“Seems like that would be kind of scary after what you went through.”

I shrugged. “I’m sure I’d be more hesitant this time around. Kind of like getting back on the horse I guess. It’s just wishful thinking anyhow.”

We stopped five feet from the water where the sand was still dry enough to sit on. Fifty yards down the beach, two kids were building a sand castle as their mom took pictures of them with her phone.

“If I’m ever a mom, I’ll be sitting in the sand building the castle with them. Not standing over them with a stupid cell phone. Life’s passing us all by as we stare through our damn phones.” Kenna leaned back on her hands. Her hair was pale in the sunlight and it swirled around her face and shoulders like spun gold.

“You’d be a good mom, Trinket.” I looked pointedly down at the diamond ring on her finger. “When’s the wedding?” The thought of Kenna being with anyone but me or Grady left a bitter taste of regret in my mouth.

“We haven’t set a date yet.” She wrapped her arms around her legs to keep her dress from flying up and stared down at her feet as they dug a ditch in the sand. “Mostly because I just can’t see myself as a bride . . . or a wife . . . or a lawyer.”

I looked at her, but she stayed focused on her feet. She rested her chin on her knees. “Just not sure if I’ve made any of the right decisions. And now, I’ve been reminded just how short life can be. I want to be sure I’m not making some major mistakes, mistakes that would be complicated to erase.”

“You should definitely be sure before you jump into marriage,” I said far too enthusiastically.

“Trust me, I know. Unfortunately, my mom’s already got wedding fever. I feel bad that my
fever
just isn’t there yet.”

“Never really pictured you as the big wedding type.”

She looked over at me. “See, you know me better than my mom, and, dare I say, better than my fiancé. Of course he tends to project his likes and wishes onto me. For Jeremy, it’s very much about the image he wants to present, specifically the image that goes along with being a hot shot east coast lawyer.”

I leaned back on my elbows. “I don’t think I’d approve of this guy.”

She turned to look at me. Her hair flowed back off her face, exposing her creamy skin and the sweet smile I always loved. “As I recall, you and Grady never approved of anyone I dated. Especially Grady.” Her focus returned to the hole she had her feet tucked inside. She’d dug deep enough with her toes to find the layer of wet sand beneath the dry. I could tell she’d drifted off to a Grady memory. “Still can’t believe he skipped out on our senior prom just because he hated my date, Doug. It wasn’t like he was going to have to dance with the guy or anything. And Doug was one of the nicest guys in school.”

I watched her as she tried to puzzle out Grady’s complete overreaction to her choice of prom date. She seemed to go right past the obvious.

There were two reasons I’d never told her the truth, the first being that Grady would have been pissed off if I had, and the second because I was hiding the same truth about my own feelings for Kenna. And now Grady was gone, and Kenna would eventually leave to marry some asshole, who, no doubt, didn’t deserve her.

“Damn, Trinket, you really don’t know, do you?”

She looked at me. “Know what?”

“Grady didn’t approve of your date or any date because he was in love with you.”

Her pink lips curled on the sides. She worked hard to tame a long strand of blonde hair back behind her ear. “Grady loved me, but he wasn’t
in
love with me.”

I gazed at her. There was a tiny flicker in her expression that seemed as if she was page flipping through some of the past to see if there had been something she’d missed, some clues about the way Grady felt about her. But she wouldn’t find anything. He’d kept his true feelings hidden to the point that he’d gotten nearly sick from it. And, all the while that he’d kept this secret from her, I had been keeping one of my own. Not just from Kenna but from my brother too.

She shook her head. “I think you’re just mistaking a close friendship with love.”

The subject seemed to sadden her, and I decided to drop it. None of it mattered now. Grady was gone, and once Kenna was married and practicing law in New York, she’d be gone from my life too.

I stood up and brushed the sand off my jeans. Kenna squinted up into the bright sky as she stared up at me. I reached back to the collar of my shirt.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m going in the water.”

“In your jeans?”

I started lifting off the shirt.

“Wait,” she said, “I need to get into character. What was her name?”

“Kiki Dinklefrost?”

“Yeah, that’s it. Good memory. Kiki Dinklefrost. She was my alter ego to combat the stupid rounds of whistles you guys would taunt me with when I stripped down to my bathing suit. Let me see if I can remember my lines. I need my invisible microphone.” She held her fingers in a circle around a pretend mic and lifted it to her mouth. “And a stunned, awe-filled hush falls over the female half of the crowd on the beach as Caden Stratton removes his shirt and unveils the master—” Her words fell off and her mouth dropped open as my shirt came off.

“Uh, I think you dropped your microphone, Kiki.”

“Jeez,” she muttered. “Let me just mention that the teenage Caden doesn’t hold a candle to the all grown up one. I like what you’ve done with yourself and the tattoos work too.”

“Glad you approve.” I lowered my hand.

She looked at it in confusion. “You don’t expect me to go in. This dress is dry-clean only and would be kind of impractical in the ocean.”

I lowered my hand. “Suit yourself, but the teenage Trinket, the star of the swim team and Kiki Dinklefrost’s alter ego, wouldn’t have given a damn about the dress.” I turned and lumbered toward the water.

My feet had just hit the froth that lingered along wet sand when Kenna went running past me, clutching the skirt of her dress, as she plowed into the water. Before I could catch up to her, she dove in and emerged out past the line where the waves were breaking. She smoothed her wet hair back and waved for me to join her. “Thought you were going swimming,” she called. “Not wading in like my grandma getting into the whirlpool at the gym.”

I dove under and swam toward her, popping up close enough to startle her. She splashed my face and swam out of my reach. Then she slowed down and floated up on her back. Her dress and her pale hair spread out around her as she closed her eyes. Another moment of sad silence swept over us. It had been like that all day, minutes in time where we smiled and thought about the past, temporarily forgetting. Then it would drag back over us, the bleak, hopeless feeling of loss and disbelief.

Kenna’s thoughts seemed to mirror my own. She didn’t look up or open her eyes as I swam closer to her. Her arms moved out like wings in the water to keep herself afloat in the rolling tide. “I feel as if my emotions are moving like the water. Up and down. For a second I’m able to tolerate the pain and then boom, it just hits me again like a bus plowing into me at full speed.”

She pushed her feet down. Salty water sparkled on her clumped together long lashes. Before I knew what was happening, she circled her arm around my neck and hopped up so that I was carrying her in the water. My heart thundered in my chest, and she had no idea.

“You were a good big brother to him, Caden.” She reached up and pushed wet hair off my forehead, another gesture that nearly sent me over the edge. “Just thought you should know that.” She leaned her head against my shoulder.

A wave rolled under us and we floated up as if on a cloud of air, then my feet touched the sandy bottom again. I held tightly onto her.

“Dad and I had an argument last night,” I started, not completely sure if I wanted to finish. But sometimes, it seemed Kenna could read my thoughts long before I said them aloud. When we were teens hanging out together, she always knew when I was twisted in knots about something. Even when no one else saw it, not even my parents, who thought my two sided, half life, where a block of houses separated my mom from my dad, was just fine. But Kenna saw it. She always knew.

“I’m sorry to hear that. What was it about?”

“Apparently, even in his grief, my dad has plenty of stamina to lecture me about my life choices. He’d had a few too many beers, trying to keep up with Sally’s Valium high, I guess. He rarely drinks, but when he does, the vampire teeth come out. He didn’t say it outright, but it was pretty obvious.” I thought about those few minutes in the kitchen and the expression on Dad’s face as we argued. His thoughts were so clear, it was as if they’d been typed above his head in a dialogue bubble.

Kenna lifted her head and looked at me. “What was obvious?”

I shook my head, deciding it was better left unsaid.

Kenna nudged me with her hand. “Tell me.”

“The wrong kid died,” I blurted, as if that would soften the harsh reality. “I know that’s what he’s thinking without him saying it. He’s thinking, why Grady? Why his favorite son?”

Kenna popped out of my arms and stood with the water moving around her. “Bullshit. That’s not true at all. I know things were bad for you, Cade. I know that silly social experiment your parents tried by living close enough that you could migrate between both your mom’s and dad’s families was a failure. But they love you. Both your parents love you. You have to know that.”

“Let’s just drop it.” I started swimming back to shore, but she grabbed my hand.

“You haven’t changed a bit. You always turn away when it’s something you don’t want to hear. But you should hear this. I was sitting with my dad last night, and we were talking about the past, the neighborhood and just things in general. He told me that on more than one occasion, when he and your dad were talking, your dad would go on and on about your bravery in the war and how great you were at bike racing. My dad said he always thought it was interesting how much time he’d spend talking about you as compared to Grady. Your dad knows, just like Grady and I always knew, you are incredible at everything you do. You just need to let yourself in on that secret.”

I looked toward the beach, pretending to have my attention pulled away by the people playing Frisbee on the sand.

“See, you can’t even hear it straight forward and without embellishments from me. And you know damn well you can trust me not to lie to you. I’m going to be a lawyer after all.”

I turned back to her with a smile. Kenna had always been a pro at making me smile. “Seems like you’ll be a damn good one too, Trinket. You almost have me convinced. I guess we should get going. I’m sure my dad could use some help cleaning up after the wake.”

“Probably a good idea.” There was a gleam in her brown eyes as she looked at the beach. “I’ll race you back to shore.”

“Shit, not a chance Little Mermaid. You still swim like you’ve got a tail instead of those great legs.”

The last comment came out unexpectedly, and Kenna picked right up on it. “Ah ha, is that a compliment from the infamous, notorious womanizer, Caden Stratton? You think I’ve got great legs?”

“For a mermaid, they’re not bad. And when the hell did I become a notorious womanizer?”

She splashed water at me. “Oh please, enough with that look of shock and innocence. Your picture was still plastered in half the girl’s lockers in the high school gym two years after you left. Who was that one girl that all the guys were having wet dreams about, but she was nuts about you? Tanya Tuttle, right?”

I thought back to those high school days with a smile. “Oh yeah, TNT. That’s what all the guys called her. We had fun, Tanya and me, but she wasn’t the
one
.” I looked pointedly at Kenna, but she didn’t pick up on the clue. She had no idea at all.

“No? With her figure and those dark blue eyes, I think she was the
one
for just about every guy in town. Just not Caden Stratton, I guess.” She dragged her long legs through the foamy water. Her wet dress clung to her slender curves as she waded back to the sand. “Well then, who was the
one
?” She combed her long, wet hair back off her face. Her skin was pink and glossy smooth from the cold salt water.

I shook my head with no answer.

“Ah, as always, secretive. I’ll have to do some mind sleuthing to see if I can figure out who this mystery woman was.” She tapped her chin and then pointed at me. “That girl, Sammy, the one you used to hang out with at the park. She was cute. Just exactly what were you two always doing at the park after hours?”

“Samantha Vickers preferred the company of girls. I hung out there with her because she always had really good weed.”

“Oh, guess that doesn’t say much for my sleuthing skills.”

I couldn’t hold back a smile. “Trinket, if you knew the answer, you’d be hanging up your detective shoes for good.”