Harper's Rules (13 page)

“Hi,” I said.

“Well, that answers that.”

“What?”

“You picked up, which means you needed to be rescued.”

I excused myself, held up a finger indicating I'd be just a wee bit, and wandered until I found an alcove between the ladies' room and the kitchen.

“Harper, I need to know what you found about Peter.”

“Why? So you can use it as an excuse to end the evening?”

“Maybe. Give.”

“Hmm, I don't think so. You made that call. Live with it.”

“Harper, do not mess with me.”

“Hold on, I need to write this down as I tell it to you. This is one of my rules that applies to both dating and interviewing.”

HARPER'S RULE
Find a Graceful Way Out

If you find yourself in an interview or date where your gut tells you not to pursue, but you lack the courage to come clean—and so then create a graceful way out by justifying it with some logical, unimpeachable reason— you are being unfair to both yourself and the person or entity you are with.

“But Harper, he ordered the sommelier.”

“I've met the sommelier there; he's very attractive. I hear he's married, though, note to Peter.”

“It's not just that; we're different. I can see it already. As my headhunter, as a self-proclaimed believer that the rules of interviewing and dating are parallel, tell me: do people last longer in careers if they share a common set of sensibilities with their coworkers, or are they happier if they are opposite?”

“Opposites do attract,” he said, “but it is strictly short term. It fades.”

“Tell me what you learned about Peter so I can make an informed decision here.”

“Okay, you win. Keep in mind I heard this from two sources and then verified it with someone official enough to know.”

Peter tapped me on the shoulder, and I was so focused on trying to hear Harper amid the din of the restaurant, I whirled and gave him an angry look. He stepped back.

“I wasn't trying to interrupt you or anything,” he said. “I was going in the men's room, right behind you, and they did bring the lamb a while ago, and well, it is kind of quiet at the table.”

I mouthed the words “so sorry,” held up the phone, and rolled my eyes.

“Look, I have to go,” I said loudly, making a big show for Peter.

“Yes, the
Silence of the Lambs
. I heard, Clarice.”

I decided to hit back as Peter entered the men's room.

“How is it you are calling me on a Saturday night? Where's your family?”

“Do you want to know what I know or don't you?” he said, his voice curt.

“Go.”

“Peter's ex, not his wife but a woman he lived with for quite some time, filed a restraining order against him. He was ordered to stay 500 feet away from her at all times.”

Peter came out of the men's room and walked toward me. He was approximately 495 feet closer than the person who knew him best petitioned the law to allow.

“Casey, did you hear me?” Harper said.

I flipped my cell shut.

I'm sure my therapist would have a field day with the fact that Harper's revelation made the rest of the dinner so much more fun. How do we expect to rid the world of evil when it adds so much energy and is so much less boring than good things? But we'll never know because I won't tell her. My main goal in therapy is to make her laugh. She laughs once, and I feel I'm making progress.

Suddenly Peter was fascinating to me. What did he do that justified a restraining order? Did he break things? Glassware? Jaws? This man needed to be restrained! I found this very sexy. After all, Donald had been restrained all the time; I needed to file an
unleashing
order on him. I couldn't take my eyes off Peter. I started to feel warm. I noticed that his plate was empty and mine had hardly been touched.

“So, how can you eat like this and drink wine and have the body from hell?” I asked.

He said he worked out three hours a day and I asked him why. He said it made him feel better.

Years earlier, when I asked Harper the same question, he said being strong made him feel strong and seem strong to others. It was a control thing with Harper. Peter's way seemed so much more pure.

The end of a date or an interview is always awkward. Will we ever see each other again? Are we being polite as we tell each other we enjoyed meeting each other, or have we connected in some real way? As we stood waiting for the valet to bring my car around, Peter broke the rules again.

HARPER'S RULE
Be Prepared for but Never Expect an Offer on the First Interview

If a company offers you the job after the first interview, it could be love at first sight, the timing is perfect, and you have found the ideal job. But more likely it is a warning sign that there is something wrong with the job and they want your commitment before you figure it out. The fact that they are willing to commit to you without knowing much about you should scare you. Tell them you are flattered but would like to come back and learn more about the opportunity. If this is unacceptable to them, walk away knowing you have dodged a bullet.

“Just so you know,” he began, “as tentative and as lame as I was at having dinner in a place like this, that's how good I am at having sex.”

“You must be
really
good at having sex, then.”

“So,” he began, his voice rising as he went, “is there still like, a three-date rule before having sex?”

I had a moment to gather myself because the valet brought the car around, and then he kissed me again. Slow as syrup.

“I am unaware of any set rules,” I said. “Why don't you get your car and follow me?”

The moment Peter turned away, I took out my cell, scrolled to the last call, and pressed the
SEND
button.

“So when you say ‘a restraining order,' can you be more specific?”

“Sure,” Harper said calmly, “it's what I'm thinking about getting against you for next Saturday night.”

“Come on, Harper, there is a broad spectrum. Did he take the lawn furniture because they used his credit card, or am I taking my life into my hands here?”

“Things have obviously improved since we last spoke.”

“Gotta tell you, Harper, I don't read restraining order. He's a sweet, sweet guy with the tiniest little round butt.”

“So what do you want from me? Permission?”

“I don't need your permission to do anything, Harper Scott.”

“Then why are we on the phone?”

“He is without guile, Harper. It really is amazing. I didn't think such people existed. I am about to go home with a man without guile.”

“So, a court looks at evidence and decides a woman's safety is at risk and legally restrains a man from coming near her, and you not only take him home, but judge him to be without guile. Quite a trick. Oh wait, can you trick someone and still be without guile?”

“You know what I think, Harper? I think she filed the restraining order to hurt him. I think by accusing him publicly of something he was incapable of, she thought he might stay.”

“That's a nice theory. I hope for your sake you're right.”

And the phone went dead. I walked over to Peter's car and he opened the door to get out, but I closed it and motioned for him to roll down the window. I leaned in and kissed him.

“I'm going to go home. By myself. I hope you call me. I hope we get to do something a little less stuffy. Thanks, I had a great night.”

As I walked to my car, Peter called out to me. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Nope. But there are rules.”

CHAPTER NINE

They say when you are about to die—careening off the guardrail, let's say—that everything slows down. People who survive such things talk about their lives passing before their eyes.

Being unemployed is pretty much the same way, except you don't wake up surrounded by loved ones telling you how lucky you are. They either assume you are trying to get a job and shouldn't be bothered, or they think calling you is too risky in case unemployment is airborne.

By Tuesday, three days after my interview, and two days after my date: a) I had no call or correspondence from InterAnnex or Wallace Avery; b) I had no call, email, or text from Peter; c) I had nothing from Harper—no information, no book chapter, nothing.

As I walked back from my bill-stuffed mailbox, my cell phone went off.

She said her name was Leena, a “colleague” of Harper's, and he had asked her to follow up with me since he'd received “several” messages from me about the status with InterAnnex.

“Why isn't Harper calling me himself?”

“He is out of the office.”

“Leena. Harper is connected to his PDA like it's a respirator.”

“Ms. Matthews, I've been here four years, and I'm a senior associate; the information he wanted to pass on to you is standard protocol for us.”

Translation: stop being a diva and let me help you get a job.

Leena next informed me that the information was also part of Mr. Scott's “publishing project.”

“Do tell.”

“Very well.”

HARPER'S RULES FOR THANK-YOU NOTES

The first thing you should do is send a thank-you note to the primary decision maker. This note should be handwritten and should be sent direct mail.

1. It should be no more than two paragraphs.
   
2. It should be personal as well as professional.
   
3. It shouldn't be frivolous or cute.
   
4. It should never be a card.
   
5. If your handwriting is illegible, a printed Word document is fine as long as you sign the postscript and fold it neatly into the correct-sized envelope.
   
6. If you absolutely cannot handwrite a note, email is an acceptable backup.
   
7. You should also thank, in separate emails, anyone else you may have met.
   
8. Always end with a positive message about pursuing the position.
   

“If you would permit me, Ms. Matthews, here is an example for InterAnnex that you can feel free to use or modify:

Dear Mr. Wallace Avery:

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for the time you spent with me on Friday. It was obvious to me why InterAnnex is such a successful company and why under your dynamic leadership it will continue to grow. I appreciated your candor, humor, and professionalism.

Having had some time to reflect, I feel my background and the duties and challenges you described are an excellent match, and I look forward to discussing this in more detail. Thanks for the gift of your time.

Sincerely,

“Ms. Matthews, did you get all that? Did I go too fast?”

“Amazingly, I managed to keep up. Do you know my background, Leena?”

“I haven't reviewed it specifically . . .”

“Do you really think I don't know that I am supposed to send a handwritten thank-you letter?”

“So you already sent one to Mr. Avery?”

“Well, no, actually . . . You know what, Leena? Why don't you tell Harper that I will deal directly with Mr. Avery from this point forward, and he can stay on his writing sabbatical, or wherever he is.”

“That wouldn't be wise, Ms. Matthews. In fact, that is the next part of the protocol Mr. Scott asked me to review with you. Ready?”

HARPER'S RULE
We Want What Is Difficult to Get

Never contact the hiring authority after your first interview.

Even if you are not working through a headhunter, other than sending a thank-you note, any followup attempting to show interest in the job or to move the process faster only
weakens
your position.

Right, like all those voice mails from Peter trying to get me to go out with him. I finally go out with him and three days later he suddenly has reclaimed his dignity. Such is my effect on men.

This can be difficult, of course, and frustrating, especially if the company promised to get back to you by a certain time or date. But keep in mind, it is not necessarily a reflection of their interest in you, and you must not take it personally. You must trust they haven't forgotten you and the impact you made in the interview.

The next move is for you, in a separate communication from your thank-you note, to send three references with contact information to the person who interviewed you. Email is the preferred mode. You should also include a salary history.

Make sure you “preload” your references. Even though they may have told you when you left your previous company or companies that they would give you a positive reference, it is in your interest to call them and let them know you had a successful interview, give them the name of who would be calling to check your reference, and ask them without equivocation to recommend you for the position. Describe the position for them at length, forward them a link to the company's website, and ask them to peruse it before they get the call.

Okay, I need to do that. Damn, I'm starting to like Leena. She is a sharp kid and she knows her stuff.

“But, Leena, in my case, I assume Harper has already given my references to Wallace.”

“Oh, yes. I see a note attached that says they were sent last week and that Mr. Avery wanted to call them personally himself.”

“That's a good sign, right? Leena?”

“Not always. It could also mean he had some concern about you that he wanted to hear either confirmed or denied directly from your references.”

Harper, I think your protégé here is going to do just fine. She is evil, and yet I like her.

“Well, Mr. Scott and Mr. Avery said I had a meeting on the 17
th
. Is that confirmed? Come on, Leena, give!”

“No. It is not.”

No one has died, I told myself. Yet I could hardly breathe.

Had Harper taught Leena the “Take It Away”?