Haven 3: Forgotten Sins (8 page)

“Fuck you.” Not very eloquent, but it summed up his feelings at the moment. “I’ve watched the men come and go from your bedroom. I’ve sat back and wondered what was so wrong with me that you would choose to be with some stranger and not your own mate. So don’t talk to me about suffering.”

“Jonas…”

“Did you know that you’re the only person I’ve ever been with? In two hundred and thirty-one years, you are the only man I’ve ever taken to my bed.” Jonas laughed harshly. “And I wasn’t even good enough for a real bed. I got some murky pond water in the dead of night so that no one could see us. That’s what I meant to you.”

“Jonas, stop and listen to me.”

“Why? So you can lie to me some more?” Jonas had committed everything he was and everything he had to offer to the man in front of him. Even when Nicholas rejected him, he never wavered in his devotion. Now, just looking at his mate was shredding his heart. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Can’t do what?”

“I can’t let you be my everything when I mean absolutely
nothing
to you.” Jonas refused to show an ounce of weakness in front of Nicholas. Not one tear would he shed for the faithless and lying bastard—even if he felt like he was dying inside.

“You can’t honestly believe that.” Nicholas didn’t sound scornful or condemning, though. He sounded almost pleading. “Everything I’ve sacrificed—Oh, I’ve sacrificed,” he added when Jonas snorted derisively, “has been for you.”

“Yes, I’m sure your life has been so tragic.”

“You were my first and last,” Nicholas said solemnly. “Those men you saw coming and going from my room were donors, nothing more. I didn’t kiss them. I didn’t fuck them. You have to believe me.”

“Why should I? Why should I believe a word out of your mouth?”

“Because I need you to,” Nicholas answered simply. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry that I withheld this from you. My secrecy has kept you alive this long, though, so I can’t say that I would have done anything differently.”

Jonas absorbed the words and shook his head sadly. “If you had a good reason—and I’m not saying you did or do—you tell me that reason and let me decide for myself if it’s worth the risk.” It was pointless. He could say the same thing in twenty different ways, and Nicholas would never get it.

With heavy footsteps and a heavier heart, Jonas turned and walked toward the open door of the small cell. Maybe he’d just keep walking right up the stairs and through the front door. Burning alive in the sun had to hurt less than what he was feeling because of someone who professed to love him.

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know,” Jonas answered honestly. “I just know that I can’t be here anymore.”

“You can’t leave. Jonas, don’t leave me.” Jonas spun around and threw his hands in the air. “Then give me one good reason why I should stay. Just one, Nicky. That’s all I’m asking for is one goddamn reason!”

“Because I love you.”

A few months ago, that would have been all the answer or reason he needed, but not now. “Not good enough. I’m sorry, but I won’t stick around to be your dirty little secret anymore. I’m tired of being alone. I need more, and you obviously can’t give that to me.”

“If we mate, you’ll die.”

“Right. Uh-huh.” Jonas fisted his hands on his hips and stared down at his shoes. Even now, Nicholas was lying to him—and not well at that.

Nicholas sighed and tugged at the ends of his dark hair. “Phillip wasn’t always the cruel asshole you knew. We were close, and I worshiped the ground he walked on.”

The heartache in Nicholas’s voice broke through some of Jonas’s anger, and he found himself moving closer to the man. “I’m listening. Go on.”

“The February before you moved to Olympia, something happened. It was stupid. The temperatures were warmer than usual that year, and I should have known better than to go out on the pond. I had just turned fourteen and thought I was invincible as most teenagers do, though.”

“The ice broke,” Jonas surmised. He was close enough to touch Nicholas now, and he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and taking his mate’s pale hand.

Nicholas nodded slowly, and his broad shoulders began to shake.

“You know Phillip is nine years older than me.” He waited for Jonas’s nod of confirmation before continuing. “He met his mate when he was sixteen, so he and Andre had been together for a little over seven years. God, he loved that man so much.”

“Come here.” Jonas tugged on Nicholas’s hand and pulled the coven leader into his arms. He was probably going to regret it, but he couldn’t stand to see the look of anguish on his mate’s face. For better or worse, he loved the man, much the same as Nicholas described the love between Phillip and Andre. “What happened?”

“I got trapped under the ice.” Nicholas wrapped his arms around Jonas’s waist and held him tightly. “It was just by chance that Phillip and Andre were walking near the pond and heard me yell that day.

Andre didn’t even hesitate when he dived in to save me.”

“I don’t understand. That’s a good thing. He saved your life, Nicky.”

Nicholas squeezed him tighter and buried his face in the side of Jonas’s neck. “He pushed me to the surface, and Phillip hauled me out of the water. Andre never came up, though.” Jonas closed his eyes and sighed while he smoothed his hand up and down his mate’s spine in comfort. “It wasn’t your fault. You were just a kid.”

“Phillip was never the same after that,” Nicholas continued as though Jonas hadn’t spoken. “He stopped eating, wouldn’t come out of his room, and he barely slept. The day after the funeral, I finally got up enough courage to try to talk to him. I don’t even know what I was going to say. I mean, how do you apologize for killing your brother’s mate?”

“Stop it. You didn’t kill anyone. It was an accident.” He eased Nicholas away from him and cupped his cheek in his hand. “What happened when you went to talk to your brother?”

“He said it should have been me.” Nicholas shuddered as he closed his eyes and nuzzled his face into Jonas’s palm.

“Grief does terrible things to people, Nicky. I’m sure he didn’t mean that.”

“Phillip blamed me. If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have lost Andre. He cursed me so that I’d always be alone, and if I ever claimed a mate, it would kill him or her. Then I’d know how it felt to lose someone I love. You’re right about the grief, though. He never got over losing Andre, and it drove him mad.” Jonas swallowed around the lump in his throat as he watched his mate relive the pain of his past. Nicholas had lost someone he loved that day. It just wasn’t his mate. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Opening his eyes, Nicholas lifted his head away from Jonas’s hand and arched an eyebrow. “What would you have done?” He would have gone after Phillip. He doubted he would have tried to reason with him, either. “I’d have beat that idiot until he lifted the spell.”

“You would have tried. He’s stronger than you, Jonas. I couldn’t risk losing you.”

The pounding in his temples grew worse as he tried to sort through this new development. “We could have been together without you claiming me.”

Nicholas smiled sadly and shook his head. “It would have never been enough for you. Besides, I couldn’t let anyone know about us.

Phillip suspected you were my mate, and he tried to kill you with a gold dagger. I was too careless with you. That never should have happened.”

“That’s why you killed him,” Jonas whispered. Torren had said as much, but Jonas had refused to believe it. “He knew you wouldn’t claim me, so he had to find another way to make sure you suffered.”

“I knew what he was doing to our coven. I should have put a stop to it long before I did, but he was my brother. I didn’t want to hurt him.”

Jonas dropped his chin to his chest and groaned. “Why didn’t you tell me after he was dead?”

“The spell isn’t broken with a witch’s death. It’s absolute until they remove it. By that point, I’d lied for so long. What good would have come from me telling you? I still couldn’t claim you.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have bargained with that bitch Natalie and got your ass cursed
again,
for one.” He still had so many damn questions, but he could barely stand, and his head felt like someone was playing the bass drum inside his skull. “I get that you think you were protecting me, but you still should have told me.”

“Get some rest, Jonas. You’re about to fall over.”

“I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

“Then come to bed with me.” Nicholas took his hands and led him toward one of the cots. “You can still hate me when you wake up, but right now, I just want to hold you. Come to bed with me, baby.” It wasn’t fair that a simple, softly murmured endearment could have him forgetting why he was trying so hard to resist the man.

“Okay, but will you still respect me in the morning?” Nicholas smiled crookedly and kissed him full on the lips. “It’s well past morning, and I’ve always respected you. I don’t know how to make up for the things I’ve done, but I promise I’ll find a way.” Jonas eased down on the cot and scooted back to the wall to make room for Nicholas. He sighed when he felt his mate’s warm body press up against his chest. “You’re an asshole, but I love you.” Soft lips whispered down the side of his neck. “I know, and I love you, too. Give me a chance to prove it.”

“I’ll think about it,” Jonas answered around a yawn before resting his head on Nicholas’s shoulder and falling asleep.

It was the perfect dream. While he’d had the same fantasy a million times over the years, this one seemed much more real. He could feel strong hands kneading the muscles of his chest, the warmth of breath against his neck, and plump lips that ghosted up and down the column of his throat.

“Want you, Nicky.”

Nicholas’s eyes popped open, and he scrambled back until he fell off the narrow cot and right onto the concrete floor. “It’s not a dream.”

Leaning over the edge of their makeshift bed, Jonas smirked down at him. “Come back up here.”

The one time he’d been weak and let his desires overrule common sense, it had spelled tragedy for his mate. For so long he’d resisted the temptation that Jonas presented. Years of deprivation and clawing hunger for the gorgeous man had led him down a path that would seal Jonas’s fate.

Making love to Jonas had been simultaneously the best night of his life and the stupidest decision he’d ever made.

As though picking the thought straight from his frantic brain, Jonas reached out to him, offering his hand and another smile.

“Phillip isn’t here, and he can’t hurt us anymore. I did a lot of thinking while you slept.”

“What did you think about?” And more importantly, what had been the outcome of Jonas’s musings?

“All the times you lied to me. I thought about all the secrets you kept from me.” Jonas crawled off the bed and right up to Nicholas, forcing him to recline on his elbows or bump heads with the vampire.

“I thought about all the times you hurt me, and all the ways I’d pay you back for it.”

Swallowing hard, Nicholas opened his mouth to apologize again but pressed his lips together when he realized he had nothing to say that would erase the damage he’d done.

Jonas’s hard body settled over his, covering him from chest to groin and pressing him back into the floor. “Then I thought about what I would have done if our positions were reversed.” He dipped his head and licked a slow path up the side of Nicholas’s neck. “You know what I realized, Nicky?”

“No.” Nicholas panted as he did a full-body shudder. His heart raced, his stomach fluttered, and his cock swelled painfully in the span of seconds. He wasn’t sure if he was answering Jonas’s question or verbally denying how much he wanted the things his mate was doing to him. The last time he’d let his dick do the thinking, he’d almost claimed Jonas, and that could
never
happen.

Jonas nipped at Nicholas’s bottom lip and then swirled his tongue over it to soothe the sting. “I realized that I’d do whatever it took to keep you safe—even if that meant lying to you. Oh, I tried to deny it.

I told myself that I would never purposely deceive someone I love.” He pressed their mouths together and tickled the seam of Nicholas’s lips with his tongue. “The truth, however, is that I would. If it meant never having to live without you, even if we were just friends, I would tell you every story in the book except for the one you wanted to hear.”

“Jonas, stop. I can’t do this.” Nicholas tried to squirm out from beneath his mate, but Jonas held him pinned in place. “Please. We can’t do this.”

“Nicky, I know all of your secrets now. I know what I’m getting into, and I know you can never claim me. It’s not ideal, but I can live with that. You are everything I want, and if that means this is all we can have, I’ll be the happiest man alive.”

“Listen to me.” Nicholas freed his arms and stretched them up to grab Jonas’s face in both hands. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. Phillip isn’t going to hurt me. Why are you so afraid?”

“The one time I let my guard down, I almost claimed you. The need is always there, but it’s so much stronger when we’re connected like this.”

To his surprise, Jonas smiled, turned his head, and placed a soft kiss in the center of Nicholas’s palm. “Then let me be in charge. Let me take care of you, Nicky.” Then he claimed Nicholas’s lips in a passion-fueled kiss before he had a chance to argue.

The wet tongue that stroked in and out of his mouth made his head spin and his cock throb. Jonas tasted like heaven—warm, moist, slippery heaven. His gums tingled where his fangs threatened to elongate, and a fire blazed inside his belly.

A needy moan escaped him before he could cut it off, but Nicholas was too far gone to care. It had been years since he’d had a taste of his mate, but it was even better than he remembered. “Mine!” Instinct took over, and his fangs burst through his gums. Nicholas fisted his hands in Jonas’s hair and jerked him down so that the fragrant skin of his throat pressed against his lips. Skimming his nose along the jumping vein in his mate’s neck, Nicholas groaned at the glorious scent. His mouth watered, his cock pulsed, and all reason fled his lust-filled brain.