Hear Me Now (12 page)

Sliding my hand off of hers and bringing it back into my lap, I lift myself off the bench and back away, more than ready to get back to school, leaving her here alone to find her own way. It’s a dickhead move, but right now, if she doesn’t wanna be my friend, there’s no point in me giving a shit.

As I turn, I see her stand and before I can get more than a foot away from her, I feel her hand brush mine and I’m frozen in place. Even if I wanted to move right now, the softness of her hand touching mine completely stops me from doing it.

“Dillon, don’t go.”

Cadence

I knew he was going to take that wrong.

Dillon isn’t used to being with people the way he is with me. Being here, sitting just off from the bike path, the water only a few feet in front of us, he’s completely out of his comfort zone. I’m the one that he would normally be making fun of, not the one that he feels things with.

Admitting the things he did, what he wanted from me when he asked me to
come here today was a big step for him, I could tell by the way his body tensed. He’s acting out of character. He’s always been a certain way and now, being shown a different way, being guided by whatever it is that’s pushing him forward, it’s a struggle. It’s made even worse when he puts it all on the line and admits that he wants to be my friend even though he doesn’t have the first clue how to do it. He’s open and vulnerable for the first time in his entire life and it’s because of him being that way I ask what I do.

I don’t just want to be his friend. I’ve been thinking about it since we came here. I
don’t have any experience being with someone; especially someone like him, but I do know what it is I’m feeling when I’m with him. I know what the weird flip in my stomach is about, the fascination I have with watching his lips move when he talks to me. It’s all because I like him a little more than I should.

The thing is, the question I asked, I knew he was going to take it that way and now I’ve got to fix it before he walks away and never looks back.  So in an effort to stop him, I do the only thing I can and I reach out of my comfort zone, doing the one thing I’ve been keeping from him for the past week.

I speak.

He’s not walking away anymore, but it’s not much better since he hasn’t turned around since I said it. I’ve given him what he wanted and I’m starting to think that maybe I did it a little too late. That what I asked him, what he’s taking the wrong way is too much for even the sound of my voice to stop.

Taking a chance and moving closer to him, this time gripping his hand tightly in mine, I come around to face him, reaching out with my free hand and touching his chin, wanting him to look up and see me, say something so I can see it and we can get past whatever it is that’s going on inside his head.

Responding to my touch he lifts his head and the minute his eyes lift and reach mine, the brown of his softer than I think I’ve ever seen them, his lips start moving and I focus on exactly what it is he’s about to say.

“Did you just—”

“Yes.” I say again so that this time he doesn’t even have to question it. I have no idea what he’s hearing now, but where I expect to see a look of disgust or even worse, pity, I see nothing. If he thinks the way I sound is funny or bad, he’s not showing it. It’s the first time other than with Eric, Isabelle and my parents that I don’t feel like a freak.

“Caddy.” He sighs. “What are you doing?”

“Don’t go.” I answer, aware that I’m not answering his question but still preoccupied with him walking away from me and needing to stop it.

“Why should I stay? You don’t want to be my friend, so I’m just wasting my time and yours staying here.”

I shake my head. I can’t answer for him, because I don’t know if he really sees all o
f this as a waste of time, but there’s no way I can let him think this is a waste of mine. I wouldn’t have come here at all if that was the case. This is the farthest thing from a waste of my time. I’m exactly where I want to be and now I need to make him see that.

“Is it because of the shit I did to Eric? Is that why you don’t wanna be friends?”

I shake my head again and his chest catches and releases in another sigh.

“Then what the hell is this Caddy? What are you trying to do?”

“Let you hear me.”

“Why?”

I can’t take this anymore. I don’t want to talk because I’m not sure I can find the right words to answer his question. There’s only one thing I can do, one move I can make even though I have no clue what the heck I’m doing that will get the point I’m trying to make across. I just hope that when I do it, it doesn’t backfire in my face and cause him to pull away even more.

Moving as close to him as I can, I bring my finger to his lips first, the feel of them under my fingertips enough to shake off the nervousness and bring me to the next step. As I feel his breath escape over my finger, I lift myself up until I’m standing on my toes and closing my eyes, not wanting to see his reactio
n, I press my lips to his.

Half expecting in the moment for him to pull away in disgust, I’m shocked when he presses back harder, his hand which had been holding
mine a second before, coming up to rest around my back, pulling me even more into him, a rumbling vibrating from his chest, like a possessive growl escaping from somewhere inside him.

It’s in the moment, feeling the way his lips are pressed to mine, the way they felt when I ran my finger across them seconds before that I’m reminded again of the question that had almost sent him running and the reality of what’s happening hits and I give into it completely.

Looks like I’m not the only one that didn’t want to be friends.

Chapter Thirteen

Dillon

What the hell am I doing?

So much has happened in the last few minutes and I’m having a hard time keeping up. Before I even get a chance to deal with the fact that she spoke to me, I actually heard her voice and what hearing her makes me feel, her hand is locked up in mine and she’s standing in front of me.

My senses hit overload the minute our eyes meet and not only can I smell her, the scent of some kind of flowers rising between us, but the pink tinge to her ivory colored skin is impossible to look away from. With the way her voice sounded when she said my name, I don’t think I can take much more.  I’ve never been so aware of a person before.

The feel of her hand is more than enough but she doesn’t let it end there. After going back and forth with me about what she’s doing here, what she wants from me, she puts her lips on mine and the loose thread that was keeping what was left of my sanity together breaks and I’m completely lost.

Jesus. This, kissing her, I’ve never felt anything even remotely close to this with any girl, ever. I don’t even know how to describe what’s happening to me, that’s how completely crazy and unknown this is.  I need to pull away, break this spell I seem to be under, but I can’t. I want more. So instead of pulling away the way I probably should, I press my lips harder back into hers and pull her tighter to me.

She feels so damn good in my arms like this. She fits so perfectly it’s like she belongs there, but I know better. She doesn’t belong with me because despite how right this feels and how badly I want to continue doing it for as long as she’ll let me, I can’t be the person she needs me to be.

Removing my arms, releasing the hold I have around her, a lot tighter than I realized when I’d done it, I put my hands on her shoulders and attempt to push her backwards in order to give us the space I think we need right now. I feel like shit the minute I do it, but I can’t let the way it feels override what’s right.

We can’t do this. She’s someone that I want as a friend; despite what just happened and there’s no way in hell I’m going to let whatever this is get in between that. I just broke up with my girlfriend anyway, thinking about kissing another girl should be the last thing on my mind.

Who the hell am I kidding? This has nothing to do with Amy and our breakup.  We weren’t even really together anyway, we were just tolerating each other or at least that’s how it was for me. I kept Amy as close as I did because it was comfortable and as long as I was with her, I didn’t have to worry about getting sidetracked with anyone or anything else. I could treat Amy however I wanted and it didn’t matter.

It does matter though because I never felt anything remotely close to this with her. I was with the girl for a year and not one second of that time did I feel the way I do with Cadence right now.

“Dillon…”

Shit. I need to say something. I’ve just pushed her away and I can see she’s confused, so I need to say something, anything that will stop her from looking at me the way she is.

“We need to go back. I don’t wanna end up getting both of us in shit.”

“Wait!” she cries out even though she’s closer than ever to me.

“What?”

“Talk to me please.”

Instead of answering her, I focus on the way her voice sounds. Each word is long and drawn out, low pitc
hed where with most girls it sounds higher. I can see now why she hates talking and why people look at her strange when she does. It’s because it doesn’t sound the way you expect someone to sound when they speak to you. The thing is, she sounds fucking beautiful and I want to tell her that so badly it’s giving me a headache just thinking about it, but I don’t because I can’t lead her on.

I’m only going to hurt this girl. I hurt everyone I touch. It’s the way I’m wired. I don’t give a shit about anything or anyone and the only real pleasure I get comes when I’
m hurting someone else, physically or emotionally. I can’t do that with her. I need to do what I said from the start. I need to be her friend and that’s it.

The only way that can happen is for me to do the one thing that right now I know
is going to rip everything we just shared apart.  I need to treat her like shit and push her away.

“Stop talking Caddy. I can’t stand hearing you anymore.”

My stomach turns over in protest at how sick I sound and the minute I catch the look on her face, I can see that they’ve done exactly what I needed them to do. The wounded look I saw on Isabelle’s face that day in the parking lot haunts me as I look into Caddy’s eyes now. It’s the same look. I hurt her and any second now, she’s going to break on me.

Her shoulders slump and she turns from me, heading in the very direction I’d been going when she stopped me. I want to call out as she’s walking, tell her to stop and that I didn’t mean what I said, but
as much as I want to, I can’t. It needs to happen this way and she wouldn’t hear me anyway.

It’s pretty evide
nt the farther away she gets that my big idea of remaining friends with her after this is going to blow up in smoke. There’s no way after telling her to shut up that she’s going look at me the same again. The struggle inside me, it’s even worse now. There’s the part of me that knowing I hurt her, is happy because I’ve broken yet another weakling down and the other part that fights against it, wanting me to run to her, pull her to me and never let go.

As I finally start moving, her body so far away from me now that I can barely see her at all, I swallow both of them down, desperate to go back to the way things were before I met her when I didn’t feel anything at all. It’s turning m
yself completely numb that’s going to get me through this.

I’m doing the right thing. Cadence is too good for someone like me and if
it takes walking away completely, even giving up on the hope of a friendship with her, then so be it. There’s no way I would let the way I am touch her.

She deserves better.

Cadence

The minute we get back to school, I escape from the prison that h
is car has been for the last few minutes and race inside, no real destination in mind, but knowing it has to be somewhere far away from him.

I thought kissing him would show what my question really meant and when he kissed me back, pull
ing me to him, I thought he understood and wanted the same thing. I can’t believe I was so stupid. I misread the entire thing.

He didn’t want me kiss
ing him. The growl I felt had been a figment of my imagination obviously. When he finally backed away from me, it was like he couldn’t get rid of me fast enough and just thinking about the look on his face when he told me to be quiet, I feel like ripping my eyes out. I never want to see a look like that again. I’ve never felt so disgusting in my life.

I want to cry so badly but the tears won’t come. At first, when I wanted to cry most, I had been in front of him and didn’t want him seeing me break. He’s a bully, so seeing someone break is fun for him and there’s no way I was giving him the satisfaction of seeing it happen with me. Now though, being away from him and able to let it out even though I’m in a hallway filled with people, it still won’t come.

The stairs that will take me to class and my mom are right in front of me and even though I know I should go to them, head to class and pretend nothing happened during the time I was away, I can’t do it.  I can’t face my mom; especially when she asked me what I was doing for lunch, I lied right to her face saying I was going to head to the library and read.

I can’t take the way she’ll look at me when she learns the truth and honestly, with the way I feel right now, there’s no way in hell she won’t be able to tell that I lied or at the very least that something a whole lot bigger than reading happened during the hour I’ve been away from her.

“Stop talking Caddy. I can’t stand hearing you anymore.”

Of course he’s going to be like everyone else. He’s worse than the others because with him, I believed in him. The way he responded when I spoke for the first time made me see him differently than every other person I’ve spoken in front of. There was a look in his eyes that had nothing to do with disgust and everything to do with caring. Obviously another way I misread everything.

I’d become so caught up in him, feeling things, I made myself blind to the reality. I imagined all of it. He was no different than anyone else and he never would be.  I should be happy that he reacted this way because he just proved my mom, Eric and every other person that told me about him right, but the last thing I feel about any of this is happy.

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I’m better than this. I’m better than him and the horrible thing he said to me. That’s what I need to remember. He’s the one that screwed up, not me.  The only mistake I made was believing in him. He had done the rest. I can’t let the way he is change me. I’ve spent so long handling my disability with dignity. Dillon Murphy is not going to the one that brings all of that hard work crumbling down.

That’s going to happen over my dead body.

I’ve almost got myself believing in it, starting to feel the hurt drain away, but just as I’m about to make my way toward the stairs, prepared to go
to class and face down my mom, I feel the first tear fall from my eye, followed quickly by another and another until they’re coming so quickly I can barely even make out the staircase in front of me.

So much for all that so called strength. I’m exactly what he believed me to be from the start.

I’m weak.

Dillon

Doing the right thing isn’t supposed to hurt this bad.

When you’re faced with a choice and you choose the right one, there’s supposed to be this big moment of clarity you experience. I
t’s an overall kind of feeling; where you just know instinctively that the choice you’ve made is right and you move ahead feeling lighter and better than you’ve ever felt because of it.

There’s no big moment of clarity for me because I didn’t make the right choice. What I did do is choose the coward’s way out.

Most people when they make the wrong choice or decide to do something that’s not right, they feel sick to their stomach, twisted up in knots because deep down they just know that they’ve taken the wrong step.  I’ve never felt good or bad about any decision I’ve made because I’ve spent so long trying not to feel anything at all. Right now though, I’m definitely twisted inside.

It’s so strong I feel like I’m choking on it. 

This girl, with the eyes that mirror mine in every way; the one that when she looks at me, it feels like she can see right through me, I pushed her away in the worst way possible and there’s not a damn thing I can do to change it. In trying to protect her, keep her at arm’s length so that in the end I wouldn’t be the one to break her apart, I did exactly that.

What I did, wasn’t just to protect her, but me too. The way I feel when I’m around her, it brings
up memories of an easier time; a time that I haven’t lived in so long I wouldn’t have the first clue how if given the chance again. In an effort to protect myself from feeling all of that, I reverted back to the one defense I had. Being a complete dick.

Watching her as she stands at the door to the stairs, the ones that will take her to our class, the way her body goes from being completely rigid to shaking, the sound of her crying making its way down the hall so that not only can I hear it, but everyone around me can as well, something breaks inside of me. The same way it did when she pressed her lips to mine less than a half hour ago.

Pushing her away was supposed to be the right move, but it’s not and just like yesterday when I found out what Amy did to her, the urge to make everything right with her takes over and before I know it, my feet are moving forward, no longer focused on the people around me, but on one person in particular.

Grabbing her by the arm and turning back the way I came, I pull her down the hall until I see the door to the bathroom. The one room in the entire school right now that will give me the privacy I need and get her away from all of the other eyes that are now watching us as I take off with her in tow.

The minute I push my way through the door, dragging her in and waiting as it slams shut from the impact behind me, I stop and lock it before putting my focus back on her. She might hate me and she has every reason to after what I said, but being in here, locked in with me, it’s where she needs to be until the sobbing I heard in the hall can pass and she can get herself together.

For the first time since everythin
g happened, I finally feel the peace that comes from making the right decision. I finally got something right even if it had taken a million wrong turns to get me here.

“Let me go.”

“You’re not going anywhere.”

Her body tenses and I’ve never wanted to kick myself as hard as I do right now. The way I sound, how clipped my tone is, there’s only one way that it could appear to her reading my lips the way she is. She thinks I brought in here to finish what the girls started yesterday.

The last thing I want to do.

“What I mean is, I need to say something to you. I need you to hear me.”