Heart Of Marley (37 page)

I stared at the cars driving by, hating the people in them for no other reason than it felt good to hate. It felt good to judge them from afar. A loud creaking brought me back from my rage-filled thoughts and I glanced over my shoulder to see my aunt walking down the steps toward me. She sat next to me and I could see that her eyes were red from crying.

“How are you?” she asked, wiping her cheeks.

“Confused. Bitter. Angry. But mostly…heartbroken.”

She nodded and another tear fell down her face. “I’m sorry. It’s just hard for me to look at you and not see Marley by your side. You have the same eyes. And smile.” Her lower lip trembled and I could tell that she finally had a moment where she could let her emotions take over, instead of having to keep it all inside as she had that week. We had barely spoken two words to each other as I brooded in my room and she entertained half of the town that stopped by our house.

“I am
so
sorry, Cam. I always had a bad feeling that something like this would happen one day.”

I scrunched my eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

She stilled for a moment and I could tell she was torn. “This town, Cam,” she admitted finally. “I’ve gone along with everything for years, keeping my mouth shut and doing what was expected of me, just like Marley did. And it killed her.”

Her eyes turned warm and contemplative. “I love your uncle very, very much. He has an enormous heart, but he’s been stuck between a rock and a hard place since you and Marley came to live with us. There’s not one thing that I can pinpoint it all to, but a mix of everything.”

“Why couldn’t you just make sure she got the help she needed? That we both did?” I asked, my voice shaking.

“I wish I had. Marley is the unfortunate victim of age-old prejudices and stigmas that have plagued this town for decades now. I once hinted at looking for a therapist for both of you just after you came to live with us. This was during our weekly Wednesday afternoon tea at Mrs. Monroe’s house…well, Mrs. Grayson now. You should have seen the disdain-filled eyes looking at me at the mention of it. Her mother, that wretched woman, pulled me aside and spoke to me in such a way as I had never been spoken to in my life. She warned me about what kind of stink she would make if I followed through, threatening to have her friends on the church board remove your uncle as pastor. I’ll never forget her words… ‘
The people of the church need a leader, not someone who has a niece with emotional problems. God is the only one from whom you and your family should be seeking counsel’.
”

Her eyes met mine and I saw the regret in them. “Your uncle has always been so devoted to his religion and the church that I shuddered at the thought of him losing this. Back then, I had no idea how grave the consequences of this decision would be. If I did, I never would have talked Graham out of putting Marley in therapy.
I
was the one that stopped it and convinced him that all the help and guidance Marley needed she could find in God. That was me, not your uncle. Even back in September, after Marley said that there was no God, he was willing to throw caution to the wind and get her the help she needed.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“Because of the pageant. It was purely selfish of me. I just… The pageants were so different twenty years ago. It was fun. All the girls were supportive and our mothers didn’t even want us to participate. It’s not like it is today. I see it all so clearly now. All these girls are entered into the pageants left and right just so that us moms can have something to talk about at our weekly tea or church potlucks. I was so jealous when all my high school friends were having children and were able to enter their daughters in dance class and all the ‘Little Miss’ pageants here in town. Graham and I had tried to conceive for years. We about gave up hope and were surprised to find out I was pregnant just a month after you and Marley came to live with us. So I was on the sidelines for years as I watched all my friends play dress-up with their daughters. They looked like they were having so much fun. I wanted that, too.

“Then you and Marley came into our lives and I saw my chance to be close to everyone again. I was so selfish that I didn’t think about the possible repercussions of how Marley would feel when she was paraded in front of strange eyes and made to perform. I didn’t care, but I wish I did. I feel that all of this could have been prevented and I swear to you, we’re going to make it up to you, to your mama, and to Marley.”

Staring ahead, I processed what she had just told me. I wanted to blame them so that it was easier, but I just couldn’t do it.

“It’s not your fault, Aunt Terryn,” I said, meeting her eyes.

She let out a quiet sob. “I knew you would say that, but it is. If Marley had gotten the help she needed…”

“She may have done the same thing. I just… As much as I want to blame
someone
, I can’t. Killing Marley was a group effort, I’m afraid.”

It was silent before she spoke again.

“Are you still going to move back in with your mama? You can stay with us as long as you want to,” she said quickly. “But I understand if you want to move in with her.”

I nodded. “I just don’t know if I’m ready to move on. Leaving the house and moving in with Mama makes me feel like I’m ditching Marley. I’m thinking of going to U.S.C. in the fall instead of Georgetown so that I can be near Mama during the school year.”

“Her room will always be here, and so will yours. And, of course, the roof.”

I smiled at her words. “You better never get rid of that house now.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good.”

The doors opened again and people began to flood from the church in a solemn manner, quiet whispers sounding as sympathetic eyes met mine. Guilt covered all of their faces, but I knew it was only fleeting. After a week passed, they would go back to their lives. Hell, they would probably go back to their old ways in a few hours, and I hated them for that.

“Aunt Terryn,” I said, turning to her.

She grabbed my hands in hers and simply nodded. “I get it, Cam. You go say good-bye to your sister the way you want to.” She stood on her toes and planted a kiss on my cheek. “I love you, Cam. And I am sorry.”

“Me, too.”

I darted up the steps, stopping abruptly at the top when I was met with Brianna’s beautiful brown eyes. I hadn’t seen her since earlier that week when I lost my temper with her. I hated myself for not apologizing sooner.

“Hey, Bri,” I said quietly, shuffling my feet.

“Hi, Cam. How are you?”

I shrugged, looking away, not wanting her to see how broken I was. “I’m okay.”

She shook her head and a small smile crossed her face. “Liar.”

I chuckled. “You got me.”

There was an awkward silence between us as I tried to formulate my thoughts. “Listen, Bri…”

“Cam, stop. I know what you’re going to say and I don’t want you to. You were right to be angry with me. I’m angry with myself. I wish I had…” She looked to the sky as if trying to calm her emotions. After taking several deep breaths, she returned her eyes to mine and I could see how remorseful she was. It was genuine and pure. Everything I had come to expect from Brianna over the years. “I should have told you a long time ago. I’m going to have to live with this regret the rest of my life.”

“What is it, Bri?”

“Brianna!” a booming voice called out.

We both snapped our heads and my eyes settled on Mr. and Mrs. Grayson, her father just behind them.

Her body tensed up and she returned her gaze to mine, her eyes narrowed. “There are things you need to know, but I can’t tell you right now. Can you meet me at the trees where we…?” She blushed.

“When?”

“Eight o’clock?”

“Of course,” I said.

“Thank you, Cam.” She turned away from me, walking to meet her family.

“Brianna?” I called out.

She looked over her shoulder at me.

“I love you.”

Her chin began to quiver. “I love you, too. I am
so
sorry, Cam.”

“Brianna Marie! We’re leaving. Now!” Mr. Monroe shouted at her and a sinking feeling formed in the pit of my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A
LL
AFTERNOON
,
OUR
HOUSE
was flooded with well-wishers that came to pay their last respects to the beautiful girl that was taken from me far too soon. Half of the high school showed up, most of the girls crying as they walked through the living room and wrote their good-byes on one of the many giant portraits of Marley that Mama had made for the occasion.

I sat in the corner with Mama and watched the rather strange dynamic between the teenagers and adults that mourned and socialized. Most of the adults had a look of fake compassion on their faces as they walked by all the photos of Marley smiling and posing for pictures after having won one pageant or another. Their noses were turned in the air as if they were belittling their integrity by paying their respects to a girl that was so clearly unstable that she took her own life.

“She was so beautiful, wasn’t she?” Mama asked quietly.

“She was. She took after you.”

A smile crossed her face. “You always know just what to say, Cameron Michael. You’ll make some woman very happy one day. Speaking of which…it looks like you and Brianna had a bit of a reconciliation today outside the church.”

“I guess,” I responded. “I overreacted last time I saw her and I don’t know if she’ll ever forgive me. I grabbed her arm and it left a mark, Mama. You taught me better than that.”

“Yes, I did. But I also taught you to never hide your feelings. At least I tried to. Your emotions just got the better of you. It happens to everyone. Do you regret it?”

“The second I did it, I was ashamed of myself.”

“As well you should have been. Brianna will understand.” The sound of polite chatter and china dishes filled the room as Mama and I were content to remain in our own little world. “Have you spoken with Doug?”

“No. I’m a bad friend.”

She gestured toward the doorway and my eyes settled on the broken frame of my best friend. “I know this week has been difficult for you. It’s been that way for all of us, Cameron. Don’t let it fester. There are other people, like Doug, who are experiencing the same pain you are. He loved Marley with all his heart. It’s always good to share your pain with someone else. So go. Share your pain, baby.”

I shook my head in disbelief that the woman sitting next to me was the same woman that neglected her children for so long. “How do you always seem to know what to say?”

“Years of remorse. Now go.”

Squeezing her hand, I raised myself off the chair and walked across the room to where Doug stood, his normally tall stature shrunken.

“Hey,” I said, shoving my hands in the pockets of my dress pants.

“Hey.”

“How are you? Wait. I’m sorry. I fucking hate that question.”

He laughed slightly. “Me, too. I
really
hate that question these days. At least you haven’t been in school this week. That’s all I’ve been hearing. Every day. Everyone’s been so concerned about how I’m doing, but they don’t want to hear the truth. They just want to ask so they can feel like they actually care when they probably don’t.”

“Fake people,” I muttered.

“Yup. They’re mourning Marley because it’s the cool thing to do right now. Next week, there will be a new fad and they’ll move on and forget that Marley Jane Bowen ever existed. But not me. I’ll never…” He trailed off and closed his eyes, trying to compose himself. “I’ll never forget her,” he continued, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Here. Come with me. I want to show you something.” I gestured toward the stairs and led him into my room. Opening the window, I climbed onto the roof. He followed.

We sat there in silence, watching the last bit of daylight disappear behind us.

“So this is the famous roof?” he asked several minutes later.

I nodded. “Yup. This is it. Not too exciting, is it?”

“No, but I see why she liked to come up here. You can almost forget for a minute, can’t you? Like you’re in your own little world and it can just be you.”

“I’ve slept out here the past few nights,” I admitted. “I feel her out here. All I feel inside the house is regret and remorse. I hate that feeling. Out here, I feel Marley’s spirit. I can hear her laughter when the wind blows.”

“Do you hear her bellow at the rain to leave when she’s out on the beach?”

I grinned fondly at the memory. “Yeah. I definitely hear that. Loud and clear. The rain doesn’t listen, though.”

“It never does. Stubborn ass.”

Long moments passed before either one of us spoke again.

“She loved you, ya know,” I said, breaking the silence. “I’ll never forget the look on her face the morning after the bonfire all those months ago…”

“Which bonfire?”

“The one right before the start of the school year. I walked into her bedroom to bring her a coffee and she was sitting on her vanity with the biggest grin on her face because you left a love letter in her purse or something.”

Doug grinned, his ears turning red. “Yeah. I remember that. You always had to bring your top game with Marley. Hell, I was thrilled when she noticed me. I know there were lots of ups and downs with us, but I’m glad we finally reached a point that she trusted me…with everything. I just wish I could have done something m-.” He stopped short, a sudden movement in the sky catching our attention. “Holy…”

“Marley and her shooting stars,” I said, wiping my eye. “She’s okay. That’s got to be her way of letting us know.”

He nodded. “Then why do I still feel like this?”

I shook my head. “Maybe because we both know there’s more to what happened to Marley. Something happened after the Jessamine Pageant and I’m going to find out.”

“Are you sure, Cam?”

“No. I’m not sure of anything these days. But I refuse to believe that Marley would have done this unless something set her off. The day before, she was talking about how excited she was to graduate. Hell, she was working on her speech! That’s not a girl who would kill a man before turning the gun on herself…unless she was provoked.”