Heart of the Ronin (26 page)

“You need not weep so for that ronin, Kazuko. He will be fine.”

“No, he won’t! I won’t!” It was all too painful. She could hardly gather her thoughts to speak.

Hatsumi sighed and sat down gingerly beside her. “He is just a ruffian.” She touched Kazuko’s shoulder, and her tone was kind and concerned. “It is better that he’s gone. Remember what I told you about. . . .”

Kazuko turned on her, feeling a flash of rage. “Never speak of him again!”

Now Hatsumi bristled back at her. “I did what was best for you! I always do what is best for you! The ronin is better off gone from here!”

“How can you say such things! He saved your life! He carried you!”

“Yes, he did all those things. But I am wise enough to know the danger of a caged animal. Inside the cage, the wolf paces back and forth, yearning to be free, until it attacks its keeper in its desperation to return to the wilderness. The ronin is just such a creature. He is dangerous, wild. This house would be a cage to him.”

Kazuko deflated again, and another sigh shuddered out of her breast. “He must hate me. I cannot stand it.”

“Oh, now, I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. He’s not a stupid man. He understands the necessity of what your father did, and why it cannot be changed. It is the way of the world. Your father has given you to Lord Tsunetomo, and that is that.”

“But I want Ken’ishi!” Kazuko knew she sounded like a petulant, spoiled child, but she could not help it. It was the truth.

“Out of the question, I’m afraid. Your father’s wishes have been expressed publicly. He cannot change them now without severe consequences. He would lose face and insult Lord Tsunetomo. Your father would then have him as an enemy, not an ally. It might even mean open war between them. You cannot refuse.”

A fresh burst of sobs consumed all of Kazuko’s thoughts and words.

Hatsumi continued, “Kazuko, you must let the ronin go. You must forget him. Put him out of your mind.”

Kazuko’s mind screamed
NEVER!
But she said nothing, and just wept. Her heart hurt so badly she feared she would die. She had to do something.

Hatsumi kept talking, her voice matronly and soothing. “Try to calm yourself. I’ll prepare your bed for you. You will feel better in the morning. Put the ronin from your mind. If you have any further contact with him, it would mean his death.”

As Hatsumi unfolded Kazuko’s bed and prepared it for her, puttering about with blankets, Kazuko’s sobs slowed, then began to diminish as a plan formed in her mind. The plan congealed from the formless, black mass of her emotions, taking the wild chaos and giving it shape, taking away its power to rule her and giving her purpose and resolve. The more real the plan became, the more her grief faded away. Doubtless Hatsumi felt that Kazuko’s change in mood was because of her comforting words, but Hatsumi was wrong. Every word Hatsumi spoke about Ken’ishi made Kazuko even more resolved.

Kazuko lay down in her bed and pretended to go to sleep, but every heartbeat she was alert. The patience required for her to wait until Hatsumi was asleep was almost more than Kazuko could bear. In the darkness, Kazuko waited for Hatsumi’s breathing to slow, waited for her telltale snoring. It seemed like a thousand lifetimes. Then finally, Hatsumi began to snore, and Kazuko slid from under the covers.

* * *

As Ken’ishi neared the village, the numbness in his mind suffused his body and soul. Akao emerged from the darkness to meet him, looking at him expectantly, but Ken’ishi could not speak. The two of them stopped and faced each other.

Akao regarded him for a moment, but in the end said nothing. He walked forward and placed his forehead against Ken’ishi’s knee.

Ken’ishi reached down to touch the soft fur of his ears, but his hands felt like wood.

The village innkeeper was reluctant to admit anyone at such a late hour, but the jingle of Ken’ishi’s purse and the fierce look in his eyes helped make the decision in his favor. As Ken’ishi sat in his small room, bathed in the feeble light of the oil lamp, his vision fuzzed with tears. He contemplated death as a release from the swelling pain, a pain that he feared would grow to unbearable proportions. His mind became the emptiness he usually sought only in battle. No thought. No emotion.

He gazed at his shadow on the rice-paper wall. His dark silhouette quivered in the light of the lamp. The next single moment he noticed was the moment the lamp went out. Some interminable time had passed. The only light now came from the flickering orange fire pit in the common room reaching through the thin rice paper, lighting Ken’ishi’s room with a lattice of orange squares. He felt a twinge of alarm at having been so oblivious for so long.

He heard a sound from the common room, that of the front door of the inn sliding open. Who would be moving about at this late hour? He picked up his scabbard and approached the door to the common room. He slid the door open a crack and peered out. A small, cloaked figure in plain clothing, carrying a bundle under one arm crept across the room. A dark scarf concealed the figure’s head. The figure looked uncertainly around the empty common room, taking a few steps further. Ken’ishi then recognized the gait of the figure, and all the numbness mercifully protecting him exploded like a lightning strike.

A small sound must have escaped him, because the figure’s gaze snapped toward him, and the glistening brown eyes behind the scarf confirmed his fears.

Kazuko moved toward him, the only sound the swishing of her robes. Her voice was a breathless whisper. “Ken’ishi! Is that you?”

“Yes,” he whispered through the cracked door.

“Please, I must speak to you!”

He stepped aside and opened the door. She all but ran into the small room. Before he could speak, she threw herself against his chest. Her fingers twisted into his new robe, and he felt the heat of her face on his breast. Her shoulders shuddered. He closed the door, leaving them in almost total darkness.

“Oh, Ken’ishi, it’s horrible!” Her voice became a hoarse whisper, and the warm wetness of her tears seeped through the fine silk across his chest. “How could he be so cruel?”

He said nothing. His arms were rising to embrace her, but he fought the urge, forcing them back down to remain immobile.

Her words were muffled by his clothing and wracked by sobs. “Please believe me, I tried! When I first spoke to him, he was impressed. I was sure he would. . . . But I don’t know what happened! Oh, Ken’ishi, I’m sorry! Please forgive me! I couldn’t stand it if you thought badly of me!”

His mouth worked but no sound came forth. The pain and shock of the evening’s events were once again fresh in his mind.

She pulled back from him and looked up into his face. Her face seemed to glow in the faint light, eyes and tear-tracks glistening. He looked down into her face, falling into her searching dark eyes.

Then she looked away. “I shouldn’t have come. You’re angry with me!”

No, wait!
he wanted to say, but somehow his anger took hold of his mouth. He said, “You were betrothed, and you didn’t tell me.”
And you were a wanted man, and you did not tell her.

“I didn’t know! I didn’t know until the moment my father made his announcement!” The helplessness in her voice convinced him she was telling the truth. Then bitterness crept into her tone. “The flower-viewing party was more than that. It was never for me.”

“It was a ‘wife-viewing,’
 
” Ken’ishi said.

“Oh, Ken’ishi, you must forgive me. I didn’t know. I was a fool.” She began to weep, her soft sobs pricking at Ken’ishi’s defenses. She took another small step back. “I’m sorry. I’ll go.”

His weapon clattered to the floor. His arms flew out and grabbed her, crushing her to his chest.

Her soft, lithe body melted against his, and fresh sobs poured out of her. A warm burst of bittersweet tears cooled against his chest, and they stood locked as one. The prickly pain of his loss began to disappear into the spreading warmth of her embrace.

She whispered, “We could run away together. I can’t stand the thought of never seeing you again! I can’t stand the thought of marrying another man, when I will be thinking only of you!”

He spoke slowly, the truth taking shape in his mind as he spoke. “We could run away, but we would be hunted. I would be hunted. If we were caught, you might be allowed to live, since I would be blamed for your abduction. But you know as well as I that I would be tortured and executed like a criminal. If we are discovered here, like this, the result will be the same.”

Another sobbing sigh shuddered out of her.

“You know I speak the truth.”

“We could go farther than anyone could look for us! We could go to your homeland. We could go across the sea!”

“I doubt we would reach the border of this province. And if we could, messengers would be sent to all the surrounding provinces. Someone would see us.”

“We could disguise ourselves.”

“I will not hide in the bushes like an animal for the rest of my life. I’m trying to live like a man now! We would be prisoners of our own flight.”

Her fist released his clothing long enough to strike his shoulder in frustration, and her shoulders quaked with sobs.

“Please, don’t cry,” he said. He lifted her face to look up into his and smiled.

“How can I go on and not see you? How can I lie down with my husband and not wish that it were you! Ah, a spear has pierced my belly!” she said, but the despair in her face diminished as she looked into his eyes. “You asked me once what I knew of suffering. I know it well now.”

“You must remember me with joy.”

“Don’t say such things. You speak as if you are already gone.”

“By morning I must be gone.”

“Where will you go?”

“I don’t know. Far enough that I’ll never see you again.” He could not bear to see her and not be able to touch her.

For a long moment, they gazed into each other’s eyes. Then her lips parted, and she pulled his head down to kiss her. Her voice was husky and moist. “Then this night must be one to remember always. We must make a lifetime’s worth of love in one night.”

Then her lips rose to his, warm and petal-soft. A moment of panic swept over him. He had never been with a woman before. In moments, his manhood stirred with powerful, throbbing heat, a yearning to . . . he did not know.

“Don’t worry,” she said breathlessly, as if reading his thoughts. “I’ll show you. I have been educated in the ways of pleasing a man.” Then she smiled like a vixen. “But it was all theory and no practice.”

He was not sure what she meant, but again she covered his mouth with her own. The softness of her lips, the moist warmth of her breath, the silky smoothness of her skin, the delicate softness of her breasts pressed against him. All sense of caution and reserve disappeared. He crushed her to him, his manhood pressing into her soft belly. She pulled him down to the tatami mats, tugging at first at his clothing then her own. He was free of his trousers, thrusting himself between her soft thighs, his hips grinding of their own volition, with an instinct as old as mankind. Her questing fingers parted the folds of her under robes as his mouth devoured her lips, moved to her throat. The soft flesh of her throat thrust up against his lips, and a soft moan escaped her. Her cool fingers clasped him. Her legs parted, and he magically settled between them, still blindly thrusting against her. She guided him into her, and he plunged deep. A single gasp burst out of them. The look of pain on her face made him pause.

“No, don’t stop,” she said.

Within a few moments, Ken’ishi felt a series of sensations such as he could never have imagined as his entire body convulsed with an explosive climax. But still his body would not stop. His movements slowed for a few heartbeats as he recovered from the shock, feeling the waves of ecstasy diminishing. The look of pain on her face was gone, replaced by something else. Her eyes were a profound cauldron of emotion; he could identify no individual element, except one. Desire. Raw, fervent, desperate desire.

Her small cries of mounting pleasure drove him on. He tasted her sweat on his lips, heard the desire in her breath, saw the longing in her eyes. She thrust herself up against him, clamping his legs with hers. Then a hot shudder seized her. A whimpering cry of ecstasy breathed into his ear. The muscles of her body gripped him even tighter, bringing him to another climax. He continued to move against her for a few moments, until he realized that he was sated for the time being.

Then he tumbled off her, still almost fully clothed, gasping for breath, their shared perspiration cool in the darkness. For a long time, neither of them said anything. They lay side by side, looking at each other.

She spoke first. “You know, I was taught that this is best done without clothing.”

With amazement and awe, he watched her shed layer after layer of clothing, until the deepest mysteries of female beauty were revealed to him. He could only stare at her, a dry lump in his throat. He stared at her until she blushed, in spite of their intimacy.

“I never knew. . . .” His voice trailed off.

“What is it?” she whispered.

“I never knew that such beauty existed in the world,” he breathed. After a long, silent moment, he said, “You’re crying again. Have I offended you?”

She shook her head, and her voice was barely audible. “No.” She knelt beside him, and began to undress him. He opened his mouth to ask her why she wept, but she pressed her fingers to his lips. “The night is already half done,” she said.

Twenty

Because I dream

Of you every night,

My lonely days

Are only dreams

—
The Love Poems of Marichiko

Kazuko was gone two hours before dawn. She left him with a fleeting kiss and a cloth bundle. As she disappeared into the dying night, he wanted to call after her,
Yes, let’s run away together
. But something stopped him. Something inside him knew that their love was not meant to be. They had loved each other like a lightning bolt. Bright and thunderous and painfully brief. He worried that she might be discovered sneaking back into the estate. If that happened, Ken’ishi’s time in this world would be short. In moments, he gathered up his meager belongings, put on his old, ragged clothes, and stole out of the inn. He left a few copper coins on the floor of his room and crept out into the night, wishing to leave the village behind as quickly as possible.