Heart on a Shoestring (15 page)

A girl can dream, right?

Oliver insisted on picking me up for our date. I prettied myself up. Curled my hair, put on some natural brown eye shadow, peach blush, and sheer lipstick. After rummaging through my new wardrobe a thousand and three times I settled on a simple navy blue A-line dress with a flowing skirt. Soft, dainty, and somewhat 1950s. Right before leaving I slipped on a pair of two-inch white sandals and wrapped a white scarf around my head so it accented my hair and flowed down my back.

Oliver rang the door. I buzzed him in and met him downstairs. His jaw dropped when I reached the end of the stairs. I held the railing, stood there, smiling and admiring his midnight blue eyes. He remained speechless. I let go of the railing and stood in front of him. “You look older.” I touched his jaw. “Facial hair?”

“And you aren’t a girl anymore.” His British accent weakened everything in me. 

“Ten years does that to a person. Although I’m starting to relate to that Britney Spears song where she claims she’s not a girl, but not yet a woman.”

“No,” he said. “You’re definitely a woman.”

We drove to a nice restaurant, his choice, and the waitress led us to a table outside by a water fountain and a nice garden. Reminded me of Derek.

We ordered. I didn’t overwhelm him by ordering too much. Kept it simple. The food came during our light catch up conversation about school, dumb stuff, and Max’s recent ordeal.

We talked and laughed our way through dinner and finally set our forks on our empty plates. He stared across the table at me. I stared back. We leaned into each other, ordered desert, and twisted the conversation knob to a deeper level.

“Do you think we can be together?” he said. “Because ... I don’t know. I think, perhaps, I mean, I don’t know, but I think perhaps I love you even more than I did that first day.”

I smiled. Normally I’d soak it up, flirt back, oogle ogle and lovey dovey grovel, but I couldn’t muster it up this time. So I smiled. Just smiled. 

“I don’t mean to. It wasn’t my intention. I don’t want to seem strange.” He smoothed the napkin over his plate. “It’s just I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“Oliver, dear.” I shook my head. “You barely know me.”

“You can’t deny what we have.”

I laughed. “Please enlighten me. What exactly do we have?”

“Well, you know.”

“Are you lonely?”

“It’s not that.”

“Okay, you are gorgeous. No doubt about that. You’re sweet. You’re funny, from what I know at least. But these things are all a dime a dozen. In fact, there are plenty of amazing fish in the sea and at first glance they all seem the same, but they’re not.”

He tilted his head. “What makes them different?”

“Science.”

“Science?”

“That which repels also attracts. Like a magnetic force.” I smiled. “I’m afraid, without my consent, my heart has been stolen. I’m still in shock myself. It’s rather alarming, actually. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand how this happened, but I think I’m going to allow it to be what it is. I’m really sorry. You are wonderful and something tells me I might regret this, but the truth is my heart is somewhere else and until I get it back, if I do, I’m quite simply not the girl for you.”

“You mean woman.”

“Sure.” I laughed. “Woman.”

My phone buzzed. Derek called. Left a voicemail. Interesting timing. 

Oliver took me home. I kissed him on the cheek, wished him luck, and walked to my favorite city bench. The one on the brick sidewalk under the trees. Their branches reached across the road, entwined in a loose embrace. A canopy of bark over the quiet street. Electric candles lit the windows across the street as a child pulled the curtains until Mama Bear lifted her up with one hand and disappeared behind the fabric. Life. That’s why I sat on park benches. In bad times, it helped me realize things weren’t so bad. In good times, it helped me appreciate them even more. I’d sit there for hours sometimes, watching life around me, realizing that there’s so much more to this life than me.

The July heat, albeit nighttime, suffocated me. My shirt was already sticking to my chest. I pulled it away, blew air on my skin, and reclined on the bench, staring at the stars through the tree branches. 

After a few minutes, I listened to my voicemail. “Miranda, it was just Ashleigh. I didn’t even kiss her hand, much less anything else. Almost ripped her hair right out of her head, but that’s another story. And no, I’m not serious. You know I wouldn’t do that for real. Anyway, there’s some stuff I need to tell you. It’s time. I’m ready. Call me back, please.”

I wasn’t ready to call. Yet. So I sent a quick text.
Meet me at my parents house next Saturday. Having the family over to spend time with Max. We can talk after. Until then, I need some time to think.

He responded.
Why their house? I want to talk first.

Me:
Because. I want to stare at you across the room and see if I can stand being in the same room with you and not touching or talking. If the magnets attract, we can talk. If they repel, let’s walk away and forget it ever happened. 

Derek:
I’ll never forget you, Lizzy. 

Me:
Coming?

Derek:
Ok.

“It’s just a little gathering for my family,” I said to myself as I stared at my small wardrobe. Maybe he would like me dressed like Barbie, I thought, but didn’t own anything of the sort and I’m not sure I wanted to. What would he find most pretty? 

I tried on different outfits and settled with the most normal thing I owned. A pair of skinny jeans and a black t-shirt. I didn’t straighten my hair or curl it, which meant it looked a little frizzy with a slight wave. And low and behold, the biggest shock of all, no makeup. Not even lip gloss.

I blinked at myself in the full length mirror that hung on my closet door. Kinda liked being normal. It seemed so . . . normal. So ... real. He always said he liked a woman at rest. Well, I guess this would be Miranda at rest.

My pink converse shoes, laceless, stood out to me. I put them on and decided to surprise Derek with a gift. 

I grabbed some paper, cut out a heart, and in my neatest, fanciest handwriting I wrote him a note.
My Gift to You
. Then I drove to Walgreens, got a red shoe string, and sat in my car stringing it through the pink heart. “There.” I held it up against the sun. “Perfect.”

I placed it into the pocket of my purse and drove away. When I arrived at the house Matt greeted me at the door. I looked around for Derek and my pulse picked up. He wasn’t there yet.

I gave Lydia a hug and she handed me my little nephew. So adorable. I pressed his cheek against mine and kissed his tiny fingers, then handed him back to his mama. “How old is he now?”

She plopped him back into her wrap. “Almost three months.” His fingers curled around hers. “He is growing so fast. I already want a newborn again.”

I laughed. “Wow. I guess labor wasn’t that bad, huh?”

“It was. But it was also worth it.” She moved the living room curtains and peeked out the window. “Oh, look. That’s so cute.”

I glanced out to the front lawn as Mom walked over to me. She hurried back to Max in the dining room and took his hand. “Look, Max. It’s Steve from Blue’s Clues.”

Max’s favorite. Steve jogged down the path with a small Blue’s Clue’s stuffed animal under his right arm and giant salt and pepper shakers under his left arm. He knocked on the door, but Max was already opening it, jumping up and down, and squealing with glee. 

Matt looked at me and smiled. “How much did you pay him to do this?”

I looked over my shoulder. “Me? I didn’t pay for it.”

Steve walked in. Our eyes met. My smile pulled my face apart and I couldn’t help but laugh. Bent over in hysterics, I nearly collapsed on the floor. Steve put one hand on Max’s shoulder. “Now, we gotta find the first paw print. You know what to do. Let’s put on our thinking caps and think, think, think.” He put a birthday hat on Max’s head and surprisingly Max kept it on.

I walked over to him, unable to hide my grin. Matt stepped between us, put one hand on Derek’s shoulder and the other on mine, then eyed us both up and down.

“You know,” he said. “You guys are like an odd Danny and Sandy.”

I smiled. “What?”

“Look at you, trying to be all plain Jane for Derek while he went out and got all weird for you.” He tapped our backs. “You’re all I need. Oh, yes indeed.”

He walked away singing
Grease
songs as I held Derek’s hand and mouthed, “Thank you.”

“I never meant to change you, Lizzy.” He gave me a stuffed pepper shaker. “I like your colorful way of viewing life. I didn’t want to dilute you. Only wanted to filter out the dirt and help you live and rest in who you are and not who you want to be. Or who anyone else wants you to be.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I wanted to fix you. I really did. I have a complex or something. Can I just enjoy you now?”

He nodded and took a seat next to my brother on the couch. A simple family party. Nothing more. Dad never came out of his bedroom. Only the distant sound of a baseball game playing in the house told me that he was home, watching television as usual.

“Michael coming?” I said to Matt.

“Does Michael ever come? I was surprised he even showed up for my wedding.”

“Barely,” Lydia said. “Something wasn’t right with him.”

I shrugged. “He’s extremely introverted and leans phlegmatic. What’s normal for him seems anti-social to us. He’s always been that way.”

Lydia nodded, but she had no idea what I was talking about. Matt nodded too, as he sipped on a freshly squeezed strawberry lemonade. He knew what I meant. Our oldest brother always seemed aloof. Like he didn’t care. Like my dad. But I believe he cared a lot. Only problem is he never learned how to express it. So he kept his distance.

I watched Derek across the room, sitting at the dining room table drawing pictures with Max. I couldn’t wait to scoop him away and give him the heart I made. Finally tell him how ready I was to be his.

Dad walked down the steps, looked around the room emotionless, grabbed a beer from the kitchen, and staggered into the dining room. Mom stood, as she always did when he entered the room. And it wasn’t a sign of respect and honor.

He walked behind Max, squinted his eyes at Derek, and set his beer on the table in front of Max. “Drink it.” When Max didn’t respond he shoved his shoulder blade and repeated. “Drink it.” Max stopped coloring Magenta and Blue and twiddled his thumbs. The color drained from Derek’s face and I didn’t want to see what he’d provoke my father to do. 

I nudged Matt. “He’s drunk. Stop him before something happens.”

Matt sat forward and whispered, “I don’t know what to do. I’ll just make it worse. Ignore him, he’ll go back to the television in a few.”

I wasn’t so sure.

Mom refused to speak up. She wrapped one arm around her stomach and bit her nails on the other hand. Dad picked the bottle up and forced it to Max’s mouth.

Derek pushed his chair back and stood. “Sir.”

Max wound his thumbs around each other a mile a minute as Dad poured beer down his face. I ran to his room and came back with a new shirt before he flipped out. Dad stepped away from Max and toward Derek. I helped Max take his wet shirt off and put on the new one. His eyes darted around the room. Soon, he’d be in a full blown tantrum.

Derek didn’t back away when Dad pushed his shoulder.

“I’m not scared of you, sir.” Derek’s eyes never blinked. “I’m not scared of you because the person I am is so much worse than you. You’re not angry or bitter, you’re just a mess.” He motioned toward Max. “You say all this nonsense about wishing your kid was never born, well, let me tell you something.”

“I don’t think I asked for your opinion.” Dad’s indignant eyes made me shrink.

“Then you can leave the room while I tell your daughter why she deserves better than you … and me.” Derek looked at me while he spoke. “When I was in school I chased a girl. Stupid. She went to med school and I followed. We both became gynecologists. She was asked to be a part of a local clinic. Money was amazing. I was offered a position at the same place. Took it. Didn’t think anything of it. We were helping women who were raped. Women who had babies with deformities or Down syndrome and were counseled into believing the child would be better off killed. Teenagers with missing boyfriends and ashamed parents. Women who thought their lives were in jeopardy because of their pregnancy. That’s what I told myself anyway. That’s what everyone was made to believe. We were doctors like everyone else. Helping people live better lives.”