Heart Thaw (25 page)

Mr. Jeffers hovers his fingers over my sketch, turning his head from side to side.

“You’re being nice,” I say with a laugh. “I’m so out of practice, it’s just sad. I guess between classes for my major and work and grad school applications and loan applications...if I have any extra time, it’s spent attempting to learn a little French. Trust me, I’d so much rather be sketching.”

“You know the train line that runs through town added a stop at St. Angelica’s. They have a very reputable art restoration master’s program, and I have an in with their financial aid advisor. I know the cost of graduate school keeps some students from pursuing. I’d hate to see that happen in your case.”

His eyes are soft and concerned behind his glasses, and I feel like,
finally
, there’s someone here who isn’t idealizing college life and pretending there are no worries associated with going.

Because, the truth is, it’s hard. I know I’m playing into the whole struggling college student cliche, but living on Ramen in a dingy apartment with no heat, driving a shitty car, leaving lectures to change on the drive into work, and developing ulcers from all the worry isn’t exactly the way I pictured my four years of higher education.

Could I have Mom’s home cooking and Ella’s hilarious stories at the dinner table plus my education? Could I be around to see Georgia’s baby grow up and have Dunkin Donuts coffee dates with her regularly? Could Trent and I…?

Nope
. I’m not even going to consider Trent into this thought process. We’ve made a mess of everything, and there’s no way I can try to factor something as volatile as our current relationship in my decision about whether to stick around or not.

“If you don’t mind passing the name along, I’d be so happy to sit down and meet with someone. Thank you so much for the information.” I try to give him a bright smile, but I know it’s probably tight and unhappy. “Figuring out what to do next has been rough. It’s nice to be back here and have some time to attempt to plot out what’s coming next.”

Mr. Jeffers pats my shoulder. “Sounds like this is a much needed break for you, Sadie. And, speaking of taking a break, my partner and I are throwing a big New Year’s Eve bash. Some friends, some college people, some really influential art types. My partner is a big deal art buyer in the city,” he says with this adorably proud blush.

So funny how, back when I was in high school, Mr. Jeffers seemed so boring and...teacherish. Winds up he had a whole exciting life waiting for him outside the halls of Newton High.

“That sounds amazing. I’d love to come.”

The words are out of my mouth before I have a chance to think things through. I saw the friendly way Mr. Jeffers shook hands with Trent. If he invited someone who just rolled back into town, there’s a strong possibility he’ll invite someone he has a great working relationship with.

I’m not going to stay away from places I want to go because there’s an off chance Trent might be there. Tonight wasn’t an ideal example of the two of us being on our best behavior, but I’m sure we can make things work.

As long as he’s not naked the next time we bump into each other. I’m not a saint.

“Oh, fantastic, Sadie!”

Mr. Jeffers actually looks happy to know I’ll be stopping by, which makes me wonder if we’d wind up hanging out if I stuck around in Vernon. He promises to send me an evite.

“Thank you, Mr. Jeffers.”

“Peter, Sadie. I think we can drop the ‘Mr. Jeffers’ now.” He winks at me.

“Okay, Peter,” I say around a stupid giggle. “So, I guess I’ll see you on New Year’s Eve.”

Mr Jeffers gives me a quick hug and goes back to collecting candles as I head out, keys tight in my fist, worried that it may have started snowing again. At least my stopping to talk to Mr. Jef—
Peter
—means that I’ll avoid the crush of students trying to leave the lot all at once.

I round a corner and attempt to rush to an exit when I stumble over a couple arguing.

Shit.

If I back up and try to go around them, I’ll have to use the exit on the other side of the building, which means a long, freezing walk along the poorly lit outer campus path. Social awkwardness trumps freezing my ass off. I do my best to brush by without making a big deal out of it.

“Excuse m—oh! Trent.”

He’s leaned down when I say his name, staring at a woman who’s bouncy curls I’d know anywhere. She’s glaring at him.

I wish with my entire being I’d kept my mouth shut.

“Sadie.” Trent rubs his temples.

“
Sadie
?” the girl hisses.

Shit. Shit, shit.
She definitely knows my name somehow, and I’m very willing to bet it’s not a good ‘somehow.’

“Rosa, this is Sadie. Sadie, Rosa,” Trent says between clenched teeth.

“Um, really nice to meet you, Rosa,” I say, about to offer my hand.

I decide against it when I see the violent look she gives me. Like she wants to tear me to shreds with her bare teeth.

“Super nice to meet you, Sadie,” she says, her voice thick with sarcasm.

“Right, well, I’ve gotta head out. Before the roads get any worse. So—”

“Before you go,” Rosa interrupts, her eyes trained on Trent, who hangs his head, “I was wondering if I could ask you something?”

She’s so full of some intense emotion—fury? passion? homicidal rage?—she’s actually vibrating.

Oh, hell no.

Damnit, I should have shivered around campus! I traded a little chill for a showdown with an incredibly angry woman. Not a wise trade at all.

“Sure.” I say the word because there’s no other way to escape, and I pray her torture will be quick and merciful.

“I wanted to ask you if you actually plan on getting together with Trent, or if you’re going keep leading him on, then stomping on his heart like the heartless bitch you are?” she sneers.

Her words knock the wind out of me.

“
Rosa
,” Trent snaps, his mouth twisted in a scowl. “That’s enough!”

Tears pour down her face. “Why can’t you see? She’s using you, Trent. You’re just an easy fuck for her. She doesn’t give a shit about you. She doesn’t appreciate how brilliant you are, how freaking amazing you are! Don’t you realize that? She’ll never be there for you like I will. Never!”

Shame wells up in me. Because I’ve been saying I wanted Trent to find someone, and here she is. A girl who’s clearly in love with him. A girl who’s giving him pretty damn solid advice about me. And I hate her for it.

I hate her for telling the truth.

And I hate that it’s true.

Because it shouldn’t be.

“I have to go,” I whisper, and bolt down the hallway like the coward I am.

I hear Trent calling my name, hear him arguing with Rosa, hear her sobs, all before I make it out the door. I climb in my mother’s car, lean my head on the steering wheel and let the tears pour down my face.

I should have told her, calmly, that I probably will break his heart. That it’s better for him to let go of whatever craziness we started.

But, the thing is, I know I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not because I’m selfish and want to string him along. I swear I don’t. 

Because I love him.

I love Trent Toriello, and I have for a long, long time.

But loving someone doesn’t automatically mean the best thing is for the two of you to be together. Sometimes when you love someone, you have to let go.

I jam the key in the ignition and start the car, sad and scared and so damn unsure of my next move.

The one thing I do know for sure is that Trent has someone fighting for him. And if I don’t decide what I want soon, I’m going to lose him forever.

Chapter Seventeen

I manage to drag myself out of bed and eat breakfast with my mom and sister in the mornings. Georgia and I talk and laugh, planning what we’ll do about the baby registry and the shower I’m going to help Mom throw her.

“I thought the shower was, like, a suprise,” I say, flipping open the lid of another dozen donuts.

Georgia finally got her appetite back...with a vengeance. Ella, always helpful, attempted to point out that maybe donuts weren’t the best option, healthwise, for a pregnant lady, but Mom basically chewed her a new asshole and that was the quick end of that. After the mama grizzly smackdown, my sister eats her chocolate frosted every morning without comment.

“It is, but I love party planning,” Georgia says around a lemon cream, pulling her hair back off her neck and fanning herself. “Is it hot in here?”

“It’s your hormones, sweetheart,” Mom says, fanning her with a catalog from the pile of mail on the table.

“So you want a jungle theme?” I ask, noticing an envelope addressed to me under the stack of junk mail.

It’s from St. Angelica’s. I forgot about St. Angelica’s completely after that first night, after running from Trent and Rosa and all the drama. I’d been going to class every night, but Trent wasn’t the model again, and Mr. Jeff—Peter had been busy with other students needing his help. Did Peter get this for me?

“Jungle is cool,” Ella says, pointing to a page from the binder Georgia has spread out in front of her. “I love the hippo cake topper!”

“Isn’t it the cutest thing?” Georgia asks, pointing to a giraffe. “I like the set, with the giraffe and lion.”

I flip through the pages. The campus is gorgeous, all stone buildings and old growth trees. I remind myself that looking amazing doesn’t always mean a school is the right fit. I’ll have to plan a trip to check it out.

“What do you think, Sadie?” Georgia asks, eyeing the catalog in my hand.

I snap it shut and smile at her, just the way Mom and Ella are smiling even though I know each one of us is currently nursing a fractured heart.

“I think if you don’t have an elephant on the cake, we can’t be best friends anymore.”

Mom chuckles. “We’re gonna need a big ass cake to fit that zoo.”

I promise to ask a college friend of mine whose sister owns a bakery about custom big ass zoo cakes, and Georgia and Mom pack up to go to work. It’s Ella’s day off.

Off of work.

She’s never off when it comes to interrogating me lately.

“What’s going on with you?” she asks the second the door shuts behind Mom and Georgia.

I sigh. “Nothing, El.”

“We haven’t seen Trent since Christmas.”

She raises an accusatory eyebrow.

“That has nothing to do with me. If you’re so curious, why don’t you ask him,” I dare her.

My sister gives me a frosty look.

“I did. I met him for lunch yesterday.”

I feel my heart seize in my chest. My voice gets tangled up when I try to choke something out in response to Ella’s revelation.

“You...uh, you did? What did he say? About me? Not that he said anything about me.”

Ella just leaves me gasping and flopping like a dying fish out of water.

“You know, Rosa is a really nice person. A really smart, funny, amazing person.”

I swallow hard and stare at my hands. “I know it.”

“And Trent would be smart to commit to her. She’s not going to wait around forever.”

I nod. “That makes sense.”

“But I hope he doesn’t.” Her voice is tiny in the room.

“What?” I ask, staring at her in complete confusion. “You just said—”

“I know what I said.” Ella pulls her chair close to mine and shoves everything on the table in front of me out of the way so I have nothing to thumb through for distraction. “At first the idea of the two of you together seemed so crazy and terrible. It scared the crap out of me.”

“It’s scary,” I admit, and that’s a massive understatement. It’s fucking
terrifying.

“But then I watched you two together.” She wrinkles her nose to let me know it wasn’t a pleasant experience for her. “And I talked to him. We talked for a few hours. He changed my mind about a lot of stuff. Made me think about deep, philosophical crap like the root of our fears and our capacity to love and the power behind taking chances.”

“What does that all mean?” I ask.

“What it all means is that it’s obvious what you two feel is real.”

“It’s not obvious at all,” I counter, grabbing my mug of cooling cocoa and sipping just to keep myself busy, just to give my hands something to do. “What if what we feel is the byproduct of everything we went through together? Just a way to deal with how sad and shitty everything’s been?”

Ella snorts. “Look, talk yourself out of it if you want. The thing is, as scary as facing what you feel for Trent might be, if I were you, I’d be way more freaked out by the idea of losing him for good, because that’s something you need to consider..”

“Mom told me to keep my distance.”

My sister’s smirk makes me smile.

“Hey, I love our mother to death, but she’s a little touchy when it comes to George and Trent. Of course. She feels like she owes it to Eileen.”

“You don’t think it would be…?” I shrug, trying to use logic to crush this before I let it take root in my overeager heart.

“What? Messy? Complicated? Weird?” When I nod, she shakes her head. “No wonder you suck at love. All that shit? It’s
normal
when you love somebody, Sadie. If you want neat and nice, I guess you’re doomed to marry one of those asshole droids you keep bringing home.”

She shudders, shaking her light hair out of her eyes.

“What do I do?” I ask my crazy, impetuous sister. And officially feel like I’ve fallen through the looking glass.

“I’d say ‘jump his gorgeous bones,’ but you two nimrods already did that, and I guess it didn’t magically fix everything.” She taps her chin. “I guess you need to see if he still wants anything to do with you. And you need to stop waiting for everything to be perfect. Newsflash; loving someone is never going to be perfect. It’s going to be hard, and you’re going to have problems, so just try to accept that now and move on.”

Before I can answer, Ella jumps up and starts clearing away the coffee and cocoa mugs and plates sprinkled with smears of frosting and granules of sugar.

“You’ve got a ton of advice for me. What are you doing about
your
love life?” I ask as I get up to help her.

She beelines for the kitchen and starts to load up the dishwasher.

“Don’t try to deflect. This little pep talk is about you and Trent.” She pauses, an elf mug in her hand, and pulls her eyebrows together. “Jesus, it still seems so damn weird. You and Trent.” She shrugs. “I guess opposites attract?”

“Maybe.” I drop butter knives in the silverware basket. “You and Antonia seem kind of opposite.”

It’s my best attempt at a peace offering. Ella drops a dishwasher packet in and slams the door. When she looks at me, her eyes are bright with tears.

“You want to know the truth?” she asks in a scratchy voice. I nod, though I’m not sure that’s what I want at all. “The truth is, she’s running just like you are. But I
get
your reasons. I get what you’re afraid to lose if this whole thing doesn’t work with Trent. And I think you’re brave enough and smart enough to know what you have to do.”

“And Antonia?” I prod.

Ella wipes her eyes with the backs of her hands. “If Antonia doesn’t have the guts to commit to me, she doesn’t deserve me. That’s the bottom line.”

I take my sister in my arms and crush her in a tight hug. “That’s the damn truth. It really is.”

And I realize what’s true for Ella and Antonia is true for me and Trent.

If I don’t have the guts to commit, I don’t deserve him.

Before I get up the guts to face him, I need to face the one person I’m most afraid of losing if Trent and I become a couple.

I have to talk to Georgia.