Heartbeat (40 page)

“What'll we call him?” she whispered to Bill.

“I keep thinking Thigpen would be nice. It's a hell of a name, though.”

“I happen to like it,” she said tenderly. She would never forget what he had done for her, how he had been there from the beginning to the end, and she knew she couldn't have gotten through it without him. The medical team seemed much less important. “I'm having the next one at home,” she announced then, and Bill groaned.

“Please …could I just catch my breath? It isn't even six o'clock in the morning.” But he was happy to hear her talk about “the next one.” And as she smiled at him, she realized it was New Year's Day, and it was his birthday.

“Happy birthday.” She leaned forward and kissed him as the baby watched them. He made little snuffling noises now and then, but he seemed perfectly at ease between them.

“That's quite a gift!” It had been a beautiful way to turn forty, a reminder of how precious life was, how simple and rare. The gift of a baby from the woman he loved. It was perfect. “What do you think about Teddy, by the way?”

She thought about it for a minute and then countered. “How about Sam?”

He nodded, looking down at him. He was a beautiful child, and the name seemed to suit him. “I love it. Sam Thigpen.” And then he looked at her, not wanting to ask any questions. Was it to be Sam Thigpen, or Sam Townsend, or her maiden name, Sam Thompson? But it was much too soon to ask her.

Bill stayed with her until eight a.m., and then he went home to shower and clean up and have breakfast. He promised to be back no later than noon, and told her to get some sleep too. And when he left, tiptoeing softly out of the room, he turned back once, and watched them, the baby sleeping in the mother's arms, the two of them so peaceful and so loved, and for the first time in a long time, he was completely fulfilled and at peace, and totally happy.

A
DRIAN WOKE UP AGAIN ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER
B
ILL
had left. The baby was still asleep, but the nurses came in to check how she was doing. She was doing fine and she was still having small contractions. But everything appeared to be okay, and she lay quietly for a long time, thinking, after they left her. There were two calls she had to make, and this seemed as good a time to make them as any. She felt almost electrically charged, as she lay looking at her sleeping baby. It was the most exciting day of her life, the happiest moment, and in some ways, she wanted to share it.

She called Connecticut first, and the call was difficult, but the good news made it a little better.

“Why didn't you tell me?” her mother asked, shocked by the news that she had a new grandchild when she had never even known Adrian was pregnant. “Isn't he normal?” It was the only reason she could think of for Adrian having not told her. But it was typical of the kind of relationship Adrian had had in recent years with her parents. Ever since she'd married Steven. And her parents made no bones about the fact that they didn't like him. They had been right, perhaps, but it had permanently marked their relationship with their daughter.

“I'm sorry, Mom. Things were kind of a mess out here. Steven left in June. And …I just thought he'd come back and I didn't want to tell you about the baby till he did … I guess that was pretty dumb.”

“I guess so.” There was a long silence. “Is he paying you alimony?” It struck her odd that that was all they thought of.

“No, I didn't want any.”

“Is he going to fight you for custody of the baby?”

“No.” She decided to spare them the details of that, and she also decided not to tell them about Bill, or her mother might think that she was having an affair and that was why Steven had left her. There was plenty of time to give her the details later. Adrian had just wanted to tell her about the baby.

“How long will you be in the hospital?” Her mother was so painfully matter-of-fact, it was difficult to feel close to her, even now that Adrian had just become a mother.

“Maybe till tomorrow.” She wasn't sure. “Or a couple of days. I don't really know yet.”

“I'll call you when you get home. Do you still have the same number?” It told its own tale that she even had to ask, but as seldom as it was, it was usually Adrian who called her.

“Yes.” She'd had her phone installed at Bill's when she gave up her condo. It had been easier to do that at the time than make explanations. “I'll call you, Mom.”

“Okay, and …congratulations …” Her mother still sounded as though she didn't know what to make of it, and her father had been out. It had saddened her to call them somehow, but at least she had done her duty.

And the next call was even harder. Her attorney had gotten Steven's number inadvertently, but he had suggested to Adrian that she try not to use it. She got her address book out of her bag, and holding the baby in her left arm, she dialed the number. And as she did, she looked down at Sam. He was so beautiful and so sweet and so peaceful. He was everything she had wanted him to be, and more. He was four hours old, and already she felt as though she had always known him.

“Hello!” It was a familiar voice on the phone, but she hadn't heard it in months, and suddenly she felt awkward when she heard him.

“Hello …Steven …I …it's Adrian. I'm sorry to call you.” There was a long silence while he said nothing at all. He couldn't imagine why she'd called him or how she had gotten his unlisted number.

“Why are you calling me?” He acted as though she had no right even to speak to him, and she felt her hand shake as she listened.

“I thought you had a right to know …the baby was born this morning. It's a little boy, and he weighed eight pounds fourteen ounces.” She suddenly felt even more stupid for calling while there was an even longer silence. “I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have called …I just thought …”

And then, finally, a voice. “Is he normal?” It was the same thing her mother had asked, and somehow the question seemed offensive.

“Yes, he's fine,” she said quietly. “He's really beautiful.”

And then, hesitantly, “Are you all right? Was it awful?” He sounded almost like the man she had once known as he asked her.

“It was fine.” There was no point explaining to him what it was like. It had been much harder than she thought it would be, but even now it didn't seem so bad, now that she had Sam in her arms and it was over.

“It was worth it.” And then, hesitantly, “I wanted to call … I just thought … I know you signed those papers, but I wanted to give you a chance to see him, if you want to.” It was kinder than most women would have been, but Adrian had always been like that. “I don't expect you to, of course … I just thought I'd let you know, in case …” Her voice drifted off and his cut into hers.

“I'd like that.” She looked stunned as she heard him. She had always planned to offer this opportunity to him, but she never really expected him to take it. “Where are you?”

“At Cedars-Sinai.”

“I'll come over sometime this morning.” And then, in an odd, wistful voice, “Does he have a name?”

She nodded, as tears rolled down her cheeks. She hadn't expected this, and now it had upset her. After all this time, he wanted to see his baby. “His name is Sam.” She spoke almost in a whisper.

“Give him a kiss from me. I'll see you later.” She was even more shocked by what he'd just said. He sounded so different suddenly, so mellow, and now she was afraid of what would happen when he came to see her. She lay thinking of it all morning as she held the baby close to her, and he never stirred as he slept on. And it was almost lunchtime when she heard the door open and saw Steven standing there, looking at her in gray slacks, a blue shirt, and a blazer. His hair was longer than it had been before, he had a tan, and he was more handsome than ever.

“Hello, Adrian, can I come in?” He stood looking at her, hesitating in the doorway, and she nodded as she tried not to cry when she saw him. But her efforts were useless. The tears slid slowly down her cheeks as he walked toward her. Suddenly she remembered how much she had once loved him, what high hopes she had had, how confident she had been that their marriage was forever, and how heartbroken and desolate she had been when he left her.

He only saw her at first, as he advanced toward her slowly, carrying a large bunch of yellow roses, and then as he stood next to her, he saw the baby suddenly, wrapped in his little blue blanket, his tiny pink face like her own precious rosebud.

“Oh my God …” He stared down at him. “Is that him?”

She nodded, smiling through her tears at the silly question. “Isn't he beautiful?”

This time Steven nodded, and there were tears in his eyes as he looked first at the child that was his, and then the woman who had borne him. “What a fool I was …” They were the exact words she had fantasized, but never really expected.

She nodded, crying openly, she couldn't disagree with him. But no one could have dissuaded him at the time, his own attorney had tried and gotten nowhere. “I think you were just very frightened.”

“I know I was. I just couldn't imagine myself having children, and making the kind of sacrifices one has to make. I still can't imagine it,” he said honestly. But he was overwhelmed by the sight of his baby.
His
child.
His
creation.

“He's beautiful, isn't he?” he said quietly, staring down at him, as she watched, and then finally, Steven looked up at her, but his eyes were matter-of-fact, not tender. “It must have been hard for you these past months.” She nodded, not wanting to tell him about Bill. That was none of his business. “Where are you living?” It was odd that he should ask her now, after all this time, and she answered cryptically. All this time he had never cared where or how she was. And now he did, or did he?

“At the same address, across the complex.” He assumed that she must have bought something smaller with the money she had derived from their town house.

“That's nice.” And then he stared down at his son, and gently touched the tiny fingers. “He's so small …” And he was so perfect.

“He weighed almost nine pounds,” she defended Sam, but Steven could only look at him in wonder. He saw no one he knew there, except maybe Adrian, but he looked like a person unto himself and Steven didn't really mind that. And then Adrian looked at him hesitantly, her hands still shaking from the shock of seeing him again. “Would you like to hold him?”

Steven looked terrified suddenly, and then he startled himself and her by nodding and holding his arms out. And Adrian gently handed the baby to him. The baby was his son, after all, and this was why she had called him. To see if he cared, to give him one last chance to reach out to the child he had rejected. She settled the baby in his arms and felt a sob catch in her throat as she watched him looking down at the sleeping infant in silent wonder. He sat in a chair next to the bed, afraid to move, looking terrified, his arms still, as though he was afraid the baby might leap up and bite him. But he sat there, staring at him, and as she watched him the door opened, and Bill walked in, carrying a huge bouquet of flowers, two dozen helium-filled balloons, and a huge blue bear that he set down awkwardly in the doorway. He started to walk into the room, as Steven bent over her and handed the baby back to her, and all Bill could see from where he stood was the cozy scene of the reunited threesome. Adrian looked up at Bill with startled eyes, and Steven stood near her, as though he had never left her, and for the first time, the baby began to cry, as though he sensed that something terrible had just happened.

“Oh …I'm sorry … I see this isn't a good time,” Bill said to the room at large, afraid to look at Adrian's eyes, for fear of what he might see there.

“That's all right,” Adrian said awkwardly, “this is Steven Townsend, my …” And then she almost choked on the words, she had been about to say “my husband.” And she saw Bill's face go pale and she wanted to beg him to stop it, to stop being hysterical and come in, and Steven would be leaving in a moment, but she found that she could say nothing, as Steven stared inhospitably at him, and Bill started to back out of the room without waiting for an explanation.

“I'll come back later.”

“No …Bill …” But he was already gone, hurrying down the hall, feeling a rock in his throat, the same rock that had lodged there when Leslie had told him she wasn't moving to California. It was all happening to him again, the loss, the pain, the grief, the loneliness …but this time he wasn't going to let it.

And in her hospital room, Adrian was looking distressed as Steven watched her. “Who was that anyway?” Steven asked irritably. He had been visibly annoyed by the interruption.

“A friend,” she said softly. She saw that Steven looked angry suddenly, but they both knew that he had no right to, and now he was looking down at her with a serious expression. He had been doing a lot of thinking since her phone call, and since seeing the baby.

“I owe you an apology,” he said somberly, as Adrian agonized silently over what Bill must be feeling. She hadn't expected Steven to come so soon, and when he had offered to, she was glad to get it over with, so she and Bill could get on with the business of living. She had promised herself she'd call him, but she had never expected this, or Bill to walk in on them. Suddenly everything was upside down, and she wasn't sure what to do with the crying baby. She rang for the nurse, who volunteered to take him to the nursery for a while, as Adrian turned to Steven with a look of anguish. “I'm sorry if I hurt you, Adrian.” And as he said it, she found herself remembering the night he had ignored her at Le Chardonnay when she was six months pregnant. “These last six months must have been very hard on you,” he said, barely describing what she'd been through. And without Bill to take care of her, she didn't know how she would have survived it. “But they've been hard on me too.” Adrian couldn't believe what she was hearing. She wasn't the one who had divorced him. And as she listened to him now she realized that she was still angry at him for what he'd done. Angry and hurt and she wasn't sure she would ever forgive him. “You challenged me in a way that rocked me to my very core, in a way, it was a complete betrayal.” He went on as Adrian stared at him. He was as selfish as ever. “But …for the sake of my son …our child … I think in time, I might be willing to forgive you.”