Heartbreaker (26 page)

XI

“I’ll start by stating the obvious,” said Robin. “Gavin’s almost certainly suffering from low self-esteem. Prostitutes are a diverse bunch, but this characteristic crops up regularly right across the spectrum.

“Now, people with low self-esteem have trouble coping with a normal life, so coping with an abnormal life like prostitution is usually very difficult indeed, and that’s why I find it so interesting that Gavin appears to be thriving. Nick and Carta have mentioned a drug-free, keep-fit lifestyle, and that suggests to me that Gavin’s well looked after, even cosseted, in his private life by someone who’s giving him the motivation to keep going. I think this manager of his—what did you say her name was, Nick?”

“Elizabeth,” I said before Nicholas could answer.

“I think Elizabeth must be playing a significant role in his private life as well as his business life, and I’d guess she’d have to be older than him, perhaps considerably older, in order to wield this amount of power and influence over how he operates. At this point Freud rears his venerable head and we all think—”

“MOTHER!” said Val, amused.

“Exactly, and this prompts me to speculate about Gavin’s background. Nick’s told us that Gavin had a brother who died in his teens of leukaemia, and this fact must represent a major trauma. Maybe the mother was so absorbed in her sick son that Gavin was neglected, made to feel of no importance. Maybe Gavin suffered from survivor’s guilt. And where was the father while all this was going on? Where was Gavin’s role model? But before we blame all Gavin’s troubles on his parents, let me say that the parents’ behaviour might well have been as good as it could have been under very adverse circumstances. I’m sure we’ve all met examples of what Winnicott calls ‘good enough’ parents who have several children, all exemplary except for one who’s hell on wheels. But bearing in mind the current presence in Gavin’s life of a masterful older woman, I’d guess his relationship with his mother was off-centre and his relationship with his father was defective.”

“But how can he think Elizabeth cares for him when she organises his life as a prostitute?” I protested.

“His poor self-esteem would make him overwhelmed with gratitude that any woman could want to take a serious interest in him.”

“But how
can
he have poor self-esteem when he’s bursting with sexual confidence?”

“Yes, we know he has no trouble getting people to go to bed with him,” said Nicholas before Robin could reply, “but does he have a single worthwhile relationship?”

“My guess is that Gavin specialises in the one-night stand,” agreed Robin. “And even if he had an affair, I think you’d find he’d always be the one to end it because he would unconsciously be so afraid of rejection. The enduring interest of his manager would seem miraculous to him, so miraculous that he would shut his mind against the fact that she could only offer him a grossly distorted relationship.”

Lewis said unexpectedly: “What about the possibility of sexual abuse when he was young?”

“It’s just that: only a possibility. Highly sexualised behaviour can certainly be seen in sexually abused children, but it’s not uncommon in adults brutalised by the sex industry.”

“What do you make of this business of screwing in defiance of his orientation?” asked Val. “Is he, in fact, straight? Or is he just doing what comes naturally?”

“Prostitution’s hardly doing what comes naturally!”

“Val’s reminding us,” said Lewis, “that male homosexuals are often extremely promiscuous.”

“I was doing no such thing! Honestly, Lewis, your homophobia—”

“I’m not homophobic! I’m just committed to the unvarnished truth even if it means being politically incorrect!”

“May I remind everyone that homosexuality itself isn’t the topic under discussion?” said Nicholas, effortlessly aborting the diversion. “Robin, your opinion on Gavin’s orientation, please.”

“He could well be as straight as he says he is. It would make it easier for him to switch off his emotions and detach himself mentally from the physical activity by treating his clients as depersonalised objects.”

“Yuk!” said Val with a shudder. “Those poor clients!”

“Well, if they go to a prostitute,” said Lewis, “what else can they expect?”

“Thank you, Lewis,” said Nicholas. “Thank you, Val. Robin, have you anything else to add?”

“Only the obvious comment that the man’s probably deep in denial about his self-destructive behaviour.”

Nicholas turned to the rest of us. “Questions, anyone?”

“Yes,” said Lewis, never backward in coming forward. “Robin, what’s your opinion of Gavin’s fixation with Carta?”

“I’d favour the simple explanation: as soon as he saw her, Gavin made the decision to seduce her to boost his fragile ego, and when Carta persistently turned him down her power to say no made her all the more alluring.”

“How does his hetero promiscuity square with his devotion to pseudo-mother Elizabeth?” Val said confused.

“In his eyes Elizabeth’s the one who’s noble enough to love him. He can’t hope for love from anyone else (so he thinks) but at least he can boost his self-esteem by indulging in recreational sex with attractive women.”

“Pathetic!” muttered Val.

I said to Robin: “Your explanation about Gavin’s fixation with me doesn’t take into account the almost mystical significance Gavin attaches to being a friend of Richard’s,” and Nicholas added: “My theory is that Carta and Richard are both symbols to Gavin of the world he’s left behind.”

“The relationship with Richard interests me very much,” said Robin quickly as if fearing we thought he had missed a trick. “If Gavin’s built a wall around himself by depersonalising his clients, then one can say that Richard breached that wall. But how was it done?”

“Richard took him sailing,” I said at once. “Gavin said he learned to sail when he was a child—presumably his father taught him.”

“In that case, I wonder if we’re looking at someone whom Gavin came to see as a substitute father? Forget the sexual angle for a moment— I’m not suggesting Gavin’s father abused him. But if Gavin was prepared to see this client as a person instead of an object, a person from the world he’d lost—”

“—then maybe that’s when he began to wish himself back in that lost world,” concluded Nicholas. “Maybe what we’re seeing here is a beaten-up traveller who’s regaining consciousness but who’s still too weak to help himself. And we know who rescued the beaten-up traveller in the parable.”

“Well, before we all rush off to play the Good Samaritan,” said Lewis sardonically, “let’s just remind ourselves that although we’re required to help this young man if possible, we’re not required to smash ourselves up for him—and that leads us back to the ethics of taking morally tainted money and the tabloids going to town.”

Nicholas said: “Fair enough. We’ve taken a look at the main issues, we’ve got Robin’s psychological portrait to help us and now we’ve reached the point where we can have a general discussion about all the problems, moral or otherwise, which this case presents. Lewis, do you want to start the ball rolling?”

“Fasten your seat belts, chaps!” murmured Val good-naturedly. “We’re in for a bumpy ride . . .”

XII

We talked and talked. Some people think Christians have an easy time deciding what’s right and what’s wrong, but those are usually the people who think Christianity is a monolith, all Christians are fundamentalists and the Bible is like an ethical phone directory, listing every correct response in black and white. The reality is that there are many Christianities and numerous Christians who shy away from fundamentalism, while the Bible is capable of many different interpretations, even by scholars who have devoted their lives to studying it. Besides, we all bring our own agenda to ethical questions, and no matter how far we try to adopt objective positions we can never completely eradicate our subjective opinions. All we can do is to be as aware as possible of our prejudices so that they can be allowed for and discounted; fair, balanced judgements are not beyond achievement, but a great deal of hard work has to be done before they can emerge.

We slogged on. Nicholas, who had kept us on a tight rein during the preliminary discussion, now allowed the conversation to sprawl as if he felt he should give every opportunity for an unexpected insight to surface, but no blinding revelation occurred, and after we had covered the same ground from a variety of different angles, he embarked on the task of establishing a group resolution.

“Let’s go back to the specific issues and see if there’s been any change of mind,” he said. “The questions are: should we return the money already received, and should we refuse to accept any further money? I’d now like to pose a third question as well: what should we do about Gavin himself? Okay, short answers, please. Lewis?”

Lewis said promptly: “Return the money we have. Refuse the money to come. Invite Gavin to the Healing Centre to assure him that although we’re unable to accept the donations we’ve been very impressed by his efforts and we’d like to know him better.”

“Val?”

“We should keep the money we already have,” said Val firmly. “We took it in good faith and we’ve no way of proving the donors acted under duress. But I don’t think we should touch a penny more now we know the donations are being generated by a prostitute in the course of his work. As for Gavin, yes, let’s invite him here, take an interest, affirm him as best we can.”

“Robin?”

“Honestly, Nick, I still think we should keep the money we already have. I admire the consistency of Lewis’s position, but I’m with Val on this one.”

“And any future donations?”

“I can’t make up my mind without first talking to Gavin—so yes, I’m all for inviting him to the Healing Centre. Let’s boost that rock-bottom self-esteem of his by treating him as a friend of Richard’s, someone well worthy of our attention.”

Nicholas turned to me: “Carta?”

“I’m still totally opposed to returning the money we have,” I said strongly. “Sorry, Lewis, but sometimes I think the Church really does get too hung up on sex, and whether Gavin’s achieved his fundraising miracles in bed or out of it just isn’t important as far as I’m concerned.”

“Is it really of no importance to you,” demanded Lewis, “that he may well have consistently taken advantage of unhappy, vulnerable people in order to impress you with his fundraising skills?”

Instantly I knew this was a killer question which pulled the rug from under my feet and put me in the wrong. Yet instantly I also knew that I had to stand by Gavin. I never paused to analyse this decision. I merely knew what I had to do and I did it.

“Listen,” I said. “Gavin’s behaviour’s abominable. His language is filthy. He’s caused me a lot of trouble and aggravation. But let me tell you as your fundraiser that he’s done a terrific thing for us, and it couldn’t have been easy for him. These clients of his aren’t sad-sack losers— they’re big-time businessmen who aren’t going to hand over their money easily, least of all when prompted by someone they pay for sex. I’m convinced that to achieve this level of success Gavin must have targeted the donors with great care, designed a psychologically apt approach for each one of them and then played them along with the maximum of subtlety and skill. He deserves all the praise we can throw at him, and that’s why I say now that affirming him is yet another reason why we should not only keep the past donations but accept the donation in the pipeline as well. Never mind Gavin’s motivation—he’s doing enormous good! Never mind the donors—they’re tough enough to look after themselves! Never mind the tabloids—no one’s going to talk to them! We should stop agonising over the moral issues and instead go down on our knees to thank God for this totally miraculous windfall!”

“And should we invite Gavin to the Healing Centre?” asked Nicholas in a neutral voice but he was smiling at me.

“You bet—and we should tell him we’re damn grateful!” I suddenly felt so exhausted that I leaned forward over the table and buried my face in my forearms.

“Well, that was certainly spoken from the heart!” said Lewis in his kindest voice, and Robin and Val also murmured words of encouragement.

Hauling myself upright again I said: “Nicholas is waiting to outdo me. Go on, Nicholas, for God’s sake get us sorted before we all start climbing the walls . . .”

XIII

“What we’re all united on,” said Nicholas, “is the need to invite Gavin to the Healing Centre. I certainly believe we should do this, and I also believe our attempts to affirm him as a person when he comes here would be much more effective if we didn’t return the money we’ve already received. What’s done is done, and I don’t think we can undo it without causing more problems than we solve. As for the donation in the pipeline, there’s no doubt that if we refuse it we’d be in a position to give ourselves a moral pat on the back, but are we really in business simply to bestow moral pats? I seem to remember Jesus made some stringent comments on those who played religion strictly by the book and were over-preoccupied with saving themselves from some dire fate . . .

“I think this is one of those cases where we have to acknowledge the conventional rules and then summon the courage to step outside them. My father used to say that only by wholeheartedly embracing the monastic framework could a monk know when it was safe to step outside that framework in order to serve God in a situation where an orthodox response seemed inadequate. I believe we’re in a similar situation now.

“It’s Gavin who’s at the heart of this discussion, isn’t it? Not the money. Not St. Benet’s. But Gavin. He’s tugging at our sleeves like a little child who wants to be noticed, and bearing in mind our call to serve others we have to ask: how can we best help him? How can we best respond to his persistent tugs at our sleeves?

“Lewis made a valid point earlier when he said we must beware of becoming co-dependents, enabling Gavin to continue his life as a prostitute by acting as if we go along with what he does. We must leave him in no doubt that we can’t condone his exploitation of homosexuals and his abuse of his own body, but we can and must encourage him by recognising the efforts he’s made for a good cause, and that’s why, like Carta, I think we should also accept the donation in the pipeline. But after that we should end the moral ambiguity of the situation by suggesting he stops tapping his clients for donations and embarks on some orthodox fundraising for us instead—he could work part-time, join the volunteers. By inviting him to do that we build up his self-esteem and give him a prepaid ticket into the world of Richard Slaney, but we’ll never get that far if we reject any of the donations, because Gavin’s ego is too fragile to allow him to bear the rejections without running away. So we’ve got to accept the donations in order to reach him—we’ve got to step outside our conventional ethical framework and be unorthodox, because only by moving away from the well-lit highway are we ever going to rescue this beaten-up traveller who’s been left for dead in the dark.”

He stopped speaking.

My voice said: “I’d cheer but I’m so banjaxed that only a squeak would come out.”

“That’s a powerful image, Nick,” said Robin, and Val said: “You’ve got it right.”

“Okay, Lewis,” said Nicholas wryly without waiting for further comments. “You can fire both barrels now.”

Without hesitation Lewis launched himself into the attack.