Hearts' Desires (24 page)

             
However, now she was worried, truly worried.
She didn’t even think about putting more effort into winning this cha
l
lenge and maybe getting all she wanted. Suddenly, winning wasn’t worth it anymore…

             
Vance sat outside the rock formation and stared at the da
r
kening river. He felt miserable. He glanced to Lauren, who was about to get dressed. What had possessed him to hook
up with her?! He didn’t want her! Okay… maybe part of him had wanted her – but it was already over. He felt nothing but regret now. And of course the longing for Alison was back, accompanied by a vague feeling of guilt.
             
You managed to screw up your life completely, old man!
Vance searched for his cigarette package and found it empty. Suddenly, another thought crossed his mind, producing a flash of panic. What if this wasn’t the end of it? Unfortunately, stupid things like getting a girl pregnant during a quickie in the prop room – so to speak – didn’t only happen in the imagin
a
tion of the tabloids! Crap! Hop
e
fully Lauren was using some sort of birth control. Considering her ambitions and her lif
e
style he would expect she did. He did not need any more complications in his life, like ugly fights in the press and even uglier law suits. As much as he had wanted a child, this was not the way. A child could not become a basis for a relatio
n
ship with someone he was not even interested in! Vance wracked his brain for a decent way to express what he wanted to say.

             
Finally, he simply started. “Lauren, you know there won’t be a second time for… us.” He took a deep breath, tried to gather his thoughts. “It was a mistake, and you know that.”
A mistake?!
I ca
n
not believe I’m using the same word!
             
If there was any way for Vance to feel even worse, this was it. He sighed, grabbed the empty cigarette package again, cursed, and started anew: “I’m not the right man for you, Lauren. I’m old enough to be your Dad. I’m not what you want.”
Why the hell doesn’t she say anything? Tries to co
n
vince me of the opposite? Get angry and throw something at me or even slap me? That’s what I deserve!
“You… you are a talented young actress; you have a future in this business – if you don’t make any wrong decisions.  And I… can’t be part of your plans, your future. I’ve reached a … dead end.”
Fuck it
all!
             
He dared to turn around and look at her, however it was too dark to discern more than her silhouette.
             
But now Lauren glanced in his direction. “That’s bullshit”, she said. “You’re an amazing actor.”

             
He had heard that before during the last few days from anot
h
er mouth. All he could do now was huff. “You don’t have to flatter me anymore, Lauren.”

             
Lauren stood up and brushed the sand from her shorts.
             
“We should get back. It’s pretty dark already. Don’t
wanna
get eaten by some wild animal.”

             
She tried to mix a bit humor in her words, but a look at Vance, who still sat slumped on the ground showed her that it missed its mark completely.

The movie team was about to disperse after dinner. Jake had waited in vain for Vance. Now he decided it was time to move and set things in motion. He had wanted to talk to Max first, but the production coordinator seemed preoccupied enough worrying about the situation with the rebels. How funny – that he, Jake
Bertoni
of all people, had become sort of a relatio
n
ship coach on this set! Maybe he’d laugh about it later!
             
“Alison?” Jake started, stepping towards her. “I know, it’s none of my business, and I probably shouldn’t stick my big nose into your life. I know this might be the end of my e
m
ployment here, but… Vance is my friend. More than a friend, he’s almost
family
– heck we’re closer than I am with most of my actual family me
m
bers. And I hate to see him like that.”
             
Alison wanted to cut him off, but she didn’t react fast enough. Maybe deep inside, she wanted to hear what he had to say.
             
“He wasn’t out for a little fling on the set. I know him. That’s not his style. He wants something real – something
serious. I tried to tell him to talk to you, to straighten this thing out, but right now he is too proud and too hurt to say anything. I hope you have more sense.”
             
Jake stopped and managed to withstand her indecipher
a
ble stare. Her scowling deepened and she seemed to look right through him, no: past him.

             
“Well, it looks as if Mr. Van Sorel already found someone to console him in his terrible… ‘
distress
’!”

             
Jake turned around as well and the answer he had pr
e
pared died on his tongue, suddenly tasting like old paper…
             
Vance and Lauren had shown up at the gate to the Lodge. In the light and shadow of the lamps lighting the pat
h
way up to the singular accommodations, Jake couldn’t clearly see their faces. However Vance’s posture alone made it o
b
vious to his old friend that something was very wrong. Shortly before they were face to face with each other, he straightened himself.

             
“How nice of you to grace us with your presence before nigh
t
fall,” Alison said icy. “You do know that the rangers had warned us about Leopards and Rhinos.
             
“It wasn’t his fault,” Lauren started now, much to Alison’s su
r
prise. “I went on a little evening run and got lost. Vance found me and brought me back.”
             
“How very gentlemanly.
– I have still some things to do, so excuse me.
Good night everyone!”
With that, Alison stalked off to her place.

             
The three of them remained in awkward silence for a moment,
then
Lauren spoke up: “Guys, I’ll see if I can still grab something to eat! I’m starving. See
ya
tomorrow!”
             
Vance only nodded, avoiding looking at Jake. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and shuffled to his bungalow without another word.

             
Arriving at the catering facility, Lauren discovered she
wasn’t hungry after all. She ate what she had put on her plate without paying much attention to it. The more time separated her from her recent actions, the worse she felt, and she did not know how to deal with that. She distractedly answered the greetings by crew members passing by and watched them from a distance. She would have loved to talk to someone, but once she started thinking about that, she realized there was no one she felt close enough to.
Especially not Julio, who just now gave her a very concerned look.
Or Jake.
Or Thabo.
Suddenly, she felt very alone. So much, so that for a moment she even considered calling her sister.

Lowering the blinds on the front windows of her lodge, Alison could see Vance sitting on the steps of his accommodation.

             
It was the right thing to do
, she repeated for herself.
You’re not a person for family life or any serious relationship. You know that, Alison! Better draw the line now than in front of lawyers in L.A. later!

             
Nonetheless, she stared out of the window towards Vance, who sat with his face buried in his hands. It hurt her to see him like that.
So desperate and alone.

             
It was the only reasonable thing to do!
She finally turned away and prepared for bed, not without swallowing a tranqui
l
lizer. She had to concentrate on her work.
Her work.
First and last and only!

Vance was still sitting on the steps when it was completely dark, and the stars spread their cold distant sparkle. Tears had left tracks on his face, but he did not care to wipe them away. He reme
m
bered the last time he had cried. It had been on his 20
th
birthday, when he found out that one of his old school mates from South Africa had died in the Army - during a border skirmish.
That day more than ever before, he had
hated having to sit in Canada, in safety – and alone.
He looked up, through the black branches of the trees moving lazily in the nightly breeze.

             
I should have come back then,
he thought once again, full of regret about almost everything in his life.
Obviously, I tend to make the wrong decisions all the time!

             
A frustrated curse on his lips, he went inside, shoved some cookies in his mouth, rinsed with water, and lay down in his clothes.

The next morning the second unit went off to the location where the two scenes with Thabo and Lauren would be filmed, while the first unit prepared the set for their evening work. So Jake had a highly welcome break. And – time to check on Vance.
             
His old friend showed up for breakfast after the rest of the team had left, poured himself a huge mug of coffee and walked over to one of the overturned logs at the far end to sit down. Jake followed him with a double load of sandwiches and got a grumpy “Leave me alone” – as expected.
             
“Not until I watched you eating this!”
             
“Later.”

             
“Now.”

             
“You know you’re a pain in the ass sometimes!”
             
Jake joined him on the log and waited patiently for his friend to start talking.
             
“I made the biggest mistake of my life,” Vance started a
f
ter a while, staring at his feet. “You know how that feels?”

             
“You’re talking to Jake
Bertoni
! I made at least four bi
g
gest mistakes in my life, old man, YOU know that. And all had big boobs and beautiful brown eyes.”

             
Vance made a faint huff. “I screwed up, big time.”
             
“You’re drowning yourself in self pity! ‘There’s always a way to keep your nose above the water’, that’s what you told me when we met and all you had was
a
hundred bucks in your pocket."
             
“Stop trying to cheer me up!” Vance burst out. “You don’t know anything!” He fell silent again. After a moment, he added
with low voice: “I had sex with Lauren.”

             
A little involuntary whistle escaped Jake.
             
“And I regret it; I regret it more than anything.”
             
“You know what my grandma always said? Remorse is the first step to redemption!”
             
“But that does not make the deed go away, does it?!”
             
“Does Lauren want money or threaten to go public?”
             
Vance shook his head. “I wouldn’t care if she did. It’s just… I can’t face myself in the mirror anymore. In all those years, when Carolyn suspected me having an affair, there was nothing going on! And now, after all these years I do it, with this girl, on this damned set?
I have no feelings for her whatso
ever! What a bunch of crap!”