Helpless (17 page)

             
But that close call shook me up, opened my brain back up and now I am too worn out to be angry.  All I know is that now I just long for a safe place to be.  A mother to run to?  I wish.  Maybe I should call her.  Then I think about Jason.  Could I ever find someone like Jason again?  Strong and manly, not fake.  Someone who will be by my side.  I sigh. 

             
I look at the pill in my hand.  I brought one out to the terrace table with me.  I planned on taking it soon, to keep a steady flow of the boosters running through me.  I know it is wrong, just a way to help me keep emotions down and keep me numb.  I sigh again.  I just don’t know what to do.  I want to hear Jason’s side of the story now, but it has been over a month and not only have I refused to talk to him, but I have slept around with strangers in my relentless push to never be alone.  I imagine he won’t be able to forgive such trashy behavior.

             
I am too exhausted to care, to think, to try.  I give up and swallow my pill followed by a wine chaser.  I think I’ll just fade off to sleep tonight and I have to travel tomorrow afternoon, so I’ll stay semi-drunk until then.

* * *

             
I look around at the small cabin and snort. It was a gift from Heath, another attempt to buy my love. Looking at it, it is obvious he does not know me at all. It is one of those tiny four room places (bedroom, kitchen, den, bathroom) with a fireplace that people call ‘cozy’ to make it seem better. Yeah right, tiny and cramped is more like it. At least it is decorated just like my place in London.  White sofa, white plush throw rugs on the floor.   So everything is soft and white or wood colored.  Nice and expensive.

             
The plane ride yesterday had been uneventful. I stayed drunk the whole time and made the flight attendants do whatever I wanted to keep myself entertained. And now I am bored again. Maybe I should arrange a meeting with someone on the site to liven things up.

             
I brush that idea away. I guess I am still a little shaken up about the last time I did that. Instead, I decide I will go clubbing. It is only nine o’clock in the evening, but that doesn’t matter to me. I want to get out and move, so I’ll go and be fashionable early.

             
I make my way to my closet and stumble a little. I was more drunk than I thought. I am feeling a little hang-over from the flight.  I must have just ignored how I felt during my shopping today.  I may have to turn in at a decent hour.  I briefly think about staying here, but no, I have to get moving or I’ll go insane. 

             
I pull out a stunning dress, strapless and with a plunging back. This one is an eye-popping golden color. I slide into it and pose in front of the mirror. My red hair catches the light and shines. I notice my cheeks are a little red and frown. I pull out some foundation and pack it on so that no redness will show even if I dance all night. Finally satisfied, I head out.

***

              I glide past the bouncer and make my way into the club. I knew there was no way he would stop me, no way I would wait in line.  The club is packed and rap music is booming over the speakers. People are dancing hot and heavy and there are couples at all the tables. It is obvious that the owners tried to decorate a little for Christmas and there is mistletoe hanging from the ceiling in several places. Besides the mistletoe, the club is sparsely decorated with the tables covered a red holly design and not much else. It looks like an airplane, which is probably the point. On one side of the club is a long bar, and on the other side are some tables and a dance floor.

             
I make my way to the bar and the bartender slides me a drink before I can even sit down. I smile. I never have to buy my own drinks, and it looks like this time will be no exception. I wait for the bartender to point to the man who bought it but instead he leans close and shouts over the music.

             
“Your drinks are all paid for tonight. A man called a few days ago and said you would probably be in. He said to tell you his name was Heath.” I am disgusted. I think about pushing the drink away but instead I use it to wash down a booster. I can’t believe it. Another attempt to buy my love. Another attempt to get back into my good graces after what he did to me. Another attempt to use money to get to me.

             
Angrily I motion for another drink. If Heath wants to pay, fine, then I’ll make him pay big time. A few drinks later I shout to the club that the next round is on me. A cheer goes up and the bartender looks stricken as orders pour in. I smile smugly to myself and lurch to my feet. The club swims around me and I tilt backwards before regaining my balance. I walk carefully to the dance floor and squeeze into the mass of people. I am jostled and bumped several times but I don’t care.

             
Now all I need is a dance partner and some drunken sex to take my mind off Heath and Jason. I look around and zero in on a well-dressed, very hot young man who looks like he has some money to spend. I look up and realize that he’s standing under some mistletoe. Perfect.  I put my award-winning smile on my face.

             
I walk up to him and immediately grab his shoulders to pull him into a kiss. Best to be forward about what I want. I am shocked when I feel his hands on my shoulders pushing me away. I see a horrified look on his face and recoil. “I’m sorry,” he shouts, “but I’m with someone. We’re here celebrating Christmas together.”

             
A girl walks up behind him. She is nowhere near as pretty as I am and I cannot believe he would turn me down for her. Then I see them looking at each other and I realize that they are in love. I can see it in just the way their eyes lock. Thoughts of Jason flood my mind and dimly I am aware that tears are starting to run down my face and ruin my makeup.

             
I run from the club and flag a cab. I direct the driver to hurry and I am back at my cabin in record time. I fly into the den and boot up my computer. I think of the couple, getting ready to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas together and my blood boils. I am beautiful and rich. There is no reason I can’t have someone to spend Christmas Eve with too. I deserve it.

             
I go to my site and make a post. Within minutes I have a response. I don’t even bother to check his profile. I accept. Tomorrow, I will spend Christmas Eve with this man, and I will not be alone.

Jason
banged his fist off his desk, sick of the phone ringing. He was also sick of doing just paperwork and tidying up around the office. He sighed and admitted to himself that it was more than that. He was worried about Natalie. She had left for Aspen for the holidays and he had been unable to follow her. He just didn’t have the money to pay for a transcontinental flight in his current predicament. He was caught up in this investigation and not being able to really do anything was leaving him frustrated and angry.

The phone rang again and he was tempted to just rush off, go down the hall and sulk in the restroom. He did not want to deal with one more conversation about his motivations or his conduct.   They had been calling him nonstop and he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. If the call wasn’t about him, then all he could do was take a message and pass it on to another therapist.  It was all so frustrating.

On top of all that, it was also frustrating to be so worried about Nat.  He was thinking about Natalie, about what she was doing, if she was drinking and doing drugs because of him. His insides twisted with pain at that thought.

The phone rang again, for the thousandth time that day, and he decided that they weren’t going to leave him alone until he answered.

“What?” He growled angrily into the receiver.

             
“Jason, thank goodness! I’ve been trying to reach you all day.” It’s Aldo’s voice that greeted him, not one of the people handling the inspection. Instantly Jason became alarmed. He hadn’t heard from Aldo unless he was being updated on Natalie, and if he had been trying to call all day, then this couldn’t be good.

             
“What’s going on?” Jason demanded not bothering to hide the fear in his voice.

             
“It’s Natalie. I heard that she was drinking heavily and she had had an incident in a club. A man turned her down because he was with his girlfriend and she ran out. I decided to check up on her after that. She wouldn’t answer her phone.  I was forced into the criminal world!  I’m afraid I breached her privacy and hacked her computer…”

             
As Aldo let his voice trail off, a moment of silence grew.

             
“Yes, and what happened?” Jason was frantic at this point.

             
“She has set up another meeting with a man from her sugar daddy sight. But this man, I am sure he is dangerous. I looked into his background. There is nothing with his name at all.  So I know it is totally false.  However, there is a man with a name close to his that is a known criminal and he has been arrested before for assault a few times. You must stop her from meeting him!”

             
Cold dread crept through Jason. He glanced at the clock and noticed it was just after six o’clock at night. He would need to get on a flight right away to make it to Colorado in time to cut in on this “date.” It will nearly drain his bank account, but Natalie was worth it. Aldo told him when and where they were planning on meeting. Jason told him he was on his way and slammed down the phone.

***

              I open my eyes and the light makes my head ache. I glance out the window and realize it is snowing. I groan and flop out of bed. I still have on the dress from last night and I peel it off quickly. I grab a booster from my bedside stand and go to the kitchen to get some wine to wash it down with. I swallow quickly and go to the bathroom to take a shower. When I am done, I go back to the kitchen to pour some champagne. In the den I see my laptop open and I remember that I have a date for tonight. It hits me that it is Christmas Eve. I know that in the bedroom closet somewhere (this place has a huge walk-in closet, Heath at least had some sense) there is a box with a fake tree and Christmas decorations but I am not going to put them up.  It is too depressing to think of a warm family scene when I am all alone. 

             
Inside, a voice starts to cry – crying out wondering what I did so wrong.  Why I don’t have normal parents, why no one can love me.  I have to keep moving to quiet that voice up.  I have to remind myself how successful I am.

             
I begin to plan for my night out. I guess I should get into the Christmas theme a little because I will be expected to. My red hair, at least, will go with the theme. I decide to have my nails done red and I will wear bright red lipstick and a dark green dress. Not my best shade of green but any green will look good on me so I don’t mind. I finish a third glass of champagne and call a cab to take me to the nearest upscale nail salon.

             
After my nails are done I am bored again. I am already starting to get restless so I decide one more cup of regular coffee is out, I grab a decaf soy and at least that makes me feel better. Also the anticipation of the date is keeping my mind away from thoughts of Jason.  I grab a cab and head out to the cabin again. 

             
As I walk inside, I glance at the fireplace that I have never used but is still kept stocked with firewood. Along the mantle are pictures of me from around the world, some in London, others in Paris, and some in more exotic places. I look stunning in all of them, posed and gleaming in beautiful dresses. Sometimes I am with others, sometimes alone. I realize I have work smile on in all of them, and that even in the pictures where I am posing with people, it is always stiff, standing in the pose just long enough for the picture to be snapped and then either I or whoever in the picture quickly moved away from each other. 

             
Suddenly I feel how fake these pictures are.  I want more from my life.

             
I am supposed to meet this guy, whose name is Robert, at a five star restaurant at six o’clock. I slept in today because I wasn’t feeling so hot, and it is already four o’clock. I realize I need to start to get ready so I go to the bathroom to apply makeup, careful not to smudge my nails. The stupid woman who did them kept trying to talk me into letting her put little trees and wreathes and Christmas baubles and other things on them, and she wouldn’t shut up until I told her I wasn’t paying if she didn’t stop talking. Stupid woman, but my nails did turn out pretty good.  Classic red with a deep shine.

             
I decide to leave my hair down. After all, the auburn hair compliments the green dress and makes me look gorgeous. I slide into the dress I had picked out earlier; a full yet short skirt area with a top that hugs me in the bodice, accentuating my slimness, and flaring out after my waist, giving me a flowing, elegant look. Tiny spaghetti straps keep it from falling down, and a low neckline shows off my cleavage. I am ready to go. I call a cab and wait for it to arrive.  Even now in my rather desperate state, I don’t let these guys know where I am staying.