Her Brooding Italian Surgeon (13 page)

Leo's gut cramped as Abbie's face suddenly hardened and images of Christina and Dom crashed in on him. Two people he'd let down so badly. ‘Hell, Abbie, I'm trying to be adult about this.'

Abbie's hands clenched. ‘What I understand is that you think you have to “do the right thing” but you really don't want to.'

‘Come on, Abbie. Be fair. This was a fling. Neither of us expected this to go beyond next week.'

‘So it's all about the brevity of our time together and not the substance?' She crossed her arms tightly. ‘I'm not Christina, Leo. We laugh together, we share common interests but you've reduced all that to long odds.'

Living with you is worse than hell.
Leo dragged his hand across the back of his neck, trying to think when he really wanted to run. ‘Look, I'm willing to give it a good shot.'

‘A good shot?' Her voice rose, the tone sheer incredulity. ‘But if it doesn't work you can just leave any time. Thanks for the vote of confidence in us; that's a really committed start.'

Her words bit but he had right on his side. ‘Look, I once stood in a church and promised to love a woman I barely knew and I let her down badly. I'm not doing that again.'

Her face blanched and she spoke flatly. ‘I'm not asking for marriage, Leo.'

Shock ricocheted through him and his heart stumbled on the unspoken request in her soft voice. A request he couldn't honour.
She loves you.
Abbie loved him and wanted his love in return.
Dio mio
; he couldn't give her that.

His jaw ached. ‘I'm sorry, Abbie, but I can't promise you anything because life isn't like that.'
I can't promise anyone anything because I just let them down.

‘Because you might fail?' Blazing green eyes speared him, pinning him against an invisible wall. ‘So you won't even really start? You just told me you were being an
adult
.'

Exasperation whipped him. ‘Of course I'm starting. We need to live together to see if it can work.'

‘You already have us failed because of what happened with Christina. I think you're letting the teenage “you” make really bad decisions about your life now.' She stepped away from him and around the desk, putting distance and an obstacle between them.

He ignored the ripple of anxiety that crept through him. ‘You have no idea what you're talking about.'

She shook her head. ‘No, that's where you're wrong. You married Christina because she connected you with Dom. But guilt, grief and misguided duty are not the foundations for a marriage. Is it any wonder it didn't work?'

Her words pounded him with the truth, harsh and real, and he held on to his control by a thread, trying not to yell at her, hating her expression when he did. ‘And we probably won't work either but there's a baby so we should at least try.'

‘Well, at least you've openly said it.' Pity swirled in her eyes and sat firmly on her cheeks. ‘There's no point then, is there? I will not be the victim of your over-developed sense of duty that will eventually destroy us.'

Her hands spread out in front of her in entreaty. ‘I'm sorry that your brother died but it wasn't your fault. It was appalling timing following an argument but it could have happened to anyone. Unfortunately, it happened to Dom. Now you've embedded blame into your heart, not just for his death but for Christina's depression as well and it's stopping you from living your life.'

He wanted to put his hands over his ears but instead he heard himself yelling, ‘I'm a rich and successful surgeon.'

Abbie didn't flinch at his bluster. All he could see on her face was sorrow. Sorrow for him.

‘It's not a fulfilled life, though, is it?'

Her quiet words lashed him with their honesty and he fought back, wanting to hurt her. ‘This from a woman whose approach to life was to lock herself away and deny herself any pleasure. At least I'm out there and not hiding.'

This time she flinched and her voice trembled. ‘Against every part of my better judgement, I gave in to pure hedonism with you, did things your way, and I can't see it making either of us very happy right now.'

She spun away, wrapping her arms tightly around her before turning back. She breathed out a long, slow breath. When she opened her eyes, compassion and affection stood side by side, edged with grief. ‘I love you, Leo, but I can't compete with your guilt because it's eating away at you and holding you apart from everyone who loves you.'

He didn't want to hear her telling him she loved him. He didn't want to hear anything more about himself so he rolled his eyes, needing to deflect her words. ‘Here we go, more navel-gazing pop-psychology. I'm sorry I don't love you, Abbie, but let's get real, we only agreed to sex.' He ignored the appalled and horrified charmer deep within who always kept him civil.

A flicker of something he couldn't name raced across her face before she spoke slowly and clearly, her words devoid of all emotion. ‘You used me and work to try and forget and I let you.'

For a nanosecond, every part of him stilled. Then bile scalded his throat, his chest burned so tight he couldn't breathe and every muscle in his body tensed, ready to run. She saw right through him. Saw his fears, saw clear down to his bruised and battered soul and it terrified him. No one had ever got that close before. No one.

He brushed all her words aside with the sweep of his hand. ‘None of this is relevant to the baby and that's what we're supposed to be talking about.'

Utter sadness lined her face. ‘You really don't get it, do you?'

His hand tugged at his hair. ‘I get I'm going to be a father and, with my workload, both of you need to be with me in Melbourne.'

She nailed him with a flinty glare. ‘Go back to Melbourne so you can bury yourself in work and see the baby when it fits in with your schedule?' The scoff was bitter and anger laced every word. ‘You can get a nanny for that, Leo, and I reject your offer. I deserve better than that. Our baby deserves better than that and if you can't love us then we're not going to sit on the sidelines, biding our time while you pretend to try and then leave us anyway. I won't live under that threat.'

He couldn't fathom her thinking. ‘It's a plan, not a threat!'

‘It's a threat.'

Abbie turned towards the door and something inside him tore apart but he couldn't give in to that pain. Instead, he fought for the child. ‘How can you walk away from a chance to give this baby the family it deserves?'

She twirled back, a mixture of love and contempt swirling in her eyes. ‘I'm staying in Bandarra and this baby will be surrounded by family, Leo. Your family. The one you choose to hide from most of the time.' She pushed her hair out of her eyes, the action decisive. ‘I'll get Alistair to send a copy of the ultrasound to you. Goodbye, Leo.'

Resentment poured through him. ‘You can't just walk out in the middle of this; we haven't made any decisions.'

‘I've made mine.' She stepped through the doorway and disappeared from sight.

A
BBIE
stared at the rain. The heavy and cascading type of rain usually found in tropical far north Queensland, not outback New South Wales. Rain that hadn't eased in three days. The town's initial delight at the much-needed water had turned to unease and foreboding. Flood warnings had been issued and the SES had launched into action, sandbagging the river to protect the town. Not since 1970 had the town been faced with a peaking river that threatened to break its banks and spread its damage far and wide.

Low-lying orchards, still struggling to recover from the shocking heat two years ago, now lay flooded with their crops unable to be harvested. The wine industry faced a shortage of grapes to turn into premium wine and the farmers had taken another hit, lurching from drought to flood within seventy-two hours.

Abbie tried to care. Her town, her house, the hospital, her patients' livelihoods—all were under threat and she'd been busy going through the motions of preparing for the flood but, as she packed up equipment and backed up computers, her thoughts were centred elsewhere. On the baby. On Leo. Her hand brushed her lower abdomen.
New life.

Yesterday, Alistair Macklin had successfully removed her
IUD and reassured her that, as it was so early in the pregnancy, the risk of a miscarriage was no greater than with any other pregnancy. The fact that this embryo had successfully embedded in the first place made her think it was very determined and unlikely to change its mind.

Determined like its father.

She blinked back the tears that had moved in the moment she'd walked out on Leo and now hovered permanently. Walking away had been the hardest thing she'd ever done in her life, but where was the choice? Had he loved her, things could have been different. Could have been wonderful. But the appalled look on his face when she'd told him she loved him had left her in no doubt. That and his duty-bound idea of ‘giving it a good shot', which only meant delayed heartbreak because his heart wasn't in it. His resentment would turn into anger and she and the baby would endure the fallout.

As desperately hard as it was, she wouldn't stay with a man who didn't love her. She'd fought for her right to be loved and she'd lost. No way was she ever going to beg for love. She had a child to raise and she had to be strong for that child. The one-month fling was over and an affair was all it had meant to Leo. Life moved on and somehow she had to as well.

But knowing all that didn't stop her heart from bleeding. Bleeding for Leo. He'd accused her of hiding from life and yet he was doing exactly the same thing, only in a different way. Her phone rang, interrupting her unwanted thoughts. ‘Abbie McFarlane.'

‘Abbie, it's Jackie Casterton, from Riverflats.' The experienced mother's voice sounded extremely anxious. ‘Hugh's got a really high fever and extreme pain in his left ear. I wanted to bring him in to you but my car won't start.'

Doctor Abbie immediately surfaced through the quagmire of Abbie's personal life, happy to have something concrete to
concentrate on. ‘No problem, Jackie. The clinic's really quiet due to the rain and my four-wheel drive will go anywhere. How's the road out to your place?'

‘It's still open.'

‘Great. I'll bring the medication with me to make things easier all round.'

‘Oh, Abbie, thank you so much. Honk when you get to the gate.'

‘Will do.' She rang off, picked up her bag and walked out to see Jess. ‘Murphy and I are going to the Castertons'. I'll be in range so call me if there's anything urgent; otherwise I'll be back in an hour.'

Jess nodded. ‘If anything comes up I can always ring Leo. He's in town until Saturday, right?'

Abbie forced herself to sound normal. ‘That's my understanding.' Not wanting to further the conversation, she grabbed her Driza-bone jacket off the coat-stand and walked out into the rain.

 

Leo stared at the image on his phone for the trillionth time in twenty-four hours. Yesterday he'd worked a full day in the clinic, burying himself in work so he had no time to think of anything other than a myriad of signs, symptoms and diagnoses. It hadn't really worked. His blazing outrage at Abbie for not only walking out on him but disregarding his plan for them still burned hot.

He should be relieved she didn't want to move in with him. Be relieved that she'd rejected his honour-generated offer that had terrified him and thrown up images of his marriage. But there'd been no relief to the crushing maelstrom of emotions that simmered inside him.

Abbie of all people should know that a child needed both parents around.

He re-read the text that had come from Alistair Macklin with the ultrasound picture.
All looks fine
. He gazed at the peanut-shaped blob that was his offspring and gave thanks because nothing else in his life was fine. Everything else pretty much sucked.

‘Leo, come!' Stefano hailed him from the winery door.

Leo pocketed his phone and strode towards his father as they made their way down to the vines. Muddy water eddied around their feet as they headed towards the other workers sandbagging the levee and shoring up what they could against the likelihood of a flood. Fortunately, all the buildings of the winery were on higher ground but many of the vines grew on the fertile flood plains of a river than hadn't flooded in decades.

Leo glanced at the clusters of dark purple grapes. ‘What's the chance of Downey mildew?'

Stefano grimaced. ‘If we get the usual March heat after this rain, the Petit Verdot are at risk.' His boots slurped in the mud. ‘That's if the vineyard doesn't flood and we lose the vines as well.'

Leo hated seeing his father's life's work at risk from omnipotent weather. ‘At least you've harvested the whites.'

‘True. We give thanks for that.' He sighed and clapped his hand on Leo's shoulder. ‘But we've weathered worse than this, your
mamma
and me. Vines can be replanted but lives cannot.'

Leo stiffened as still shots of memory flashed in sequence—the terrifying crack of the falling tree branch, Christina's screams, the image of his brother disappearing—all reverberating through him. Whether it was the touch of his father's hand or the fact that Stefano had mentioned Dom or even the mess of the last few days, but long-unspoken words rushed out. ‘I still miss him.'

Stefano nodded, his face lined with understanding. ‘
Figlio mio
, we all do. Your
nonna
visits the billabong, your
mamma
lights candles, and my love for him goes into every bottle of wine I make. But you—I worry for you.'

His chest constricted. ‘No one needs to worry about me.' The staccato ring of his words couldn't block Abbie's voice that rang loud in his head.
You've embedded blame into your heart…and it's stopping you from living your life.

‘You've stayed away too long. You need to come home more often and use your family to find a way to feel closer to Dom.' Stefano placed his fist against his heart. ‘There is no fault, Leo, just sadness. Let go of the regret. It's time to honour your brother by being at peace with yourself.'

Peace.
Leo didn't know what the hell that was or how to even start to find it. His father had never spoken this directly to him but, try as he might, he couldn't find the words to explain the chaos in his heart. Instead, he ramped up the pace of his shovelling, blocking out the current mess that was his life. As the rain trickled down his back, it sparked the memory of the silky touch of Abbie's hair against his skin, and the scent of it flared in his nostrils. A sensation rolled through him, trickling down into the dark places that usually remained untouched. Was that peace?

I reject your offer.

The sensation vanished and he gritted his teeth. He and his father worked in silence, both busy with their own thoughts. Time ticked by and it was Stefano who finally broke the quiet.

‘I think this time coming home isn't all bad, eh? I see you took my advice.' Stefano shovelled sand into hessian bags and gave a deep belly laugh at Leo's blank expression. ‘I know; it surprised me and your
mamma
too. Abbie McFarlane.'

A prickle of apprehension ran through him. ‘What about her?'

Stefano winked. ‘She's a real woman with heart and soul. Not like Christina who you thought would fill the gap your brother had left. Not like the plastic types you've chased since.
Now, Abbie McFarlane is a woman who could make you happy.'

I reject your offer
. Leo grunted as bitterness boiled inside him. ‘Really, Papà? Well, she doesn't think I can make her happy.'

His father frowned at his tone. ‘I'm sorry. I saw the love on her face for you and I thought she'd accept your proposal.'

Leo hefted another bag onto the levee. ‘I didn't propose. I asked her to come to Melbourne and live with me.'

‘Ah!' The sound said it all. ‘Leo, women want marriage, commitment and the promise of babies.'

The pent-up emotions of the last two days poured out of him as the wind whipped him. ‘You think I don't know that? I've had one nightmare marriage and that's why I've avoided serious relationships for years.' He ran his hand through his rain-drenched hair. ‘Both Abbie and I agreed that neither of us wanted marriage or babies, which is why it was a perfect holiday thing.'

Stefano leaned on his shovel, confusion and concern clear on his face. ‘If it was just sex, why did you ask her to go back with you to Melbourne?'

Just sex.
Indignation swooped through Leo, irritating and shocking him in equal parts. He opened his mouth to object to his father's statement, to say it was more than just sex, but different words tumbled out instead. Words he hadn't spoken to anyone. ‘Because she's pregnant.'

Stefano sat down hard on the bags. ‘
Dio mio
. A baby?'

He shook his head and muttered what sounded like, ‘Doctors should know better.' Censure rode on his face and threaded through his words. ‘She's pregnant with your child and you ask her to live with you? I thought I'd raised you to do the honourable thing. Now I understand why she refused your tawdry offer.'

Leo threw up his hands, regretting his disclosure. ‘She doesn't want marriage, Papà. That isn't the issue.'

‘What does she want?'

‘Something I can't give her.'

His father's dark eyes glinted harshly. ‘Do you love her?'

Leo's gaze slid away. ‘I've known her a month! Hell, I knew Christina for longer and look how that ended up.'

‘Time is irrelevant and that's not what I asked. Do you love her?'

Leo filled another bag. ‘I admire her.'

‘Admire her?' His father trembled with anger but he didn't roar. His controlled voice was ten times worse. ‘This from the man who's been in her bed for weeks?'

‘Don't censure me on this, Papà. We're two consenting, mature adults who knew what we were doing.'

‘Obviously.' Stefano's hands rose high in the air. ‘And now there is a child. A Costa! Family.'

Leo matched his father's glare. ‘And I'm willing to give it a good shot to see if I can make something that was never planned work, but she refuses.'

‘You told Abbie this? Can you hear yourself?'

I can't promise you anything
. His own bald words deafened him and he fought against them. ‘I offered her the opportunity to try. What's love, anyway, but an overrated word?'

‘If that's what you believe, then I have let you down badly.' A sigh shuddered through Stefano. ‘For years I've accepted you are a man and I've let you make your own way, hoping you would learn, but you've stayed away, replaced real connections with superficial ones and locked the family and love out of your life. It is lonely,
sì?
'

Leo wanted to scream,
No
, but he heard Abbie's voice echoing in his head.
Your guilt…it's holding you apart from everyone who loves you.

His father pressed on. ‘So I tell you now what I should have told you years ago. Loving someone isn't comfortable or easy,
but she's the last person you think of when you fall asleep, the first person you think of when you wake up, and she's the person you want to share your day with, good or bad. She's the woman who annoys you to the point where you don't know if you want to yell at her or kiss her until the earth moves.'

Images and voices hammered him. Abbie in his arms, the intellectual arguments, the passionate sex and the snatches of contentment he'd never known before. Was that love?

Stefano fixed Leo with a look filled with the wisdom of life's hard lessons. ‘But, most importantly, love is the woman who doesn't tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear. With a woman like that by your side, then you know you are truly loved.'

You used me and work to try and forget.

It's not a fulfilled life, though, is it?

He broke out in a sweat. From the moment they'd met, Abbie hadn't let him get away with anything. She'd seen through every excuse and challenged him on everything he believed about himself. And she'd been right. He'd been hiding behind an accomplished career, believing that gave him a fulfilled life. But it gave him half a life and the rest was a thin veneer of perceived success that covered a giant empty cavern.

It had taken coming home and meeting her to finally face the truth. He needed her.

I love her
. Oh, God, he loved her. What sort of fool was he that he'd loved a woman for weeks and had no clue?

And he'd thrown her precious love for him back at her in the worst way possible.

I deserve better than that. I won't live under that threat.