Her Lone Cowboy (15 page)

She just had to be strong enough to ask for it.

His boots sounded on the concrete and she wiped her eyes, trying desperately to ignore the uncertainty rolling around in her stomach. She could do this. She sniffled, straightening her shoulders. For the first time, something mattered more than protecting herself. She could say the words. She could ask for what she deserved. The way she’d never been able to face up to anyone she’d loved ever before.

He stopped at the edge of the barn, in the breach of the door just behind her.

And when she turned to face him, it was with eyes that saw the man she loved, the man she would always love.

“Noah, I love you.”

In a split second he had her pulled tight against his chest. He kissed the top of her head, bathed in the warmth of the sun. She returned his embrace, knowing they needed this as a starting point. Needed to let their love be the foundation for everything else, if they had any hope of making it work.

“But you have to listen to me.” She pushed back, putting
her hands on his upper arms in a way she wouldn’t have dared only a few short weeks ago. “Because we can’t go on this way. You’re right about one thing, I am scared. I’m terrified. I’m scared because I can’t go through life being invisible.”

“I see you,” he replied, bending his knees slightly so that their eyes were level. “I see a woman who is caring, and compassionate, and funny, and selfless….”

“That is just the outside! That is what I want people to see. Noah, I’m a woman who spent her life trying to please other people. The one time I tried to do something for myself was when I ran away with Curtis. And it went spectacularly wrong. And so the time has come for me to be selfish.”

She looked into his eyes, praying for courage to say what she had to say. “I know the reason my mother kept us moving from place to place. She was searching for, and never finding the person she wanted to spend her life with. Oh, Noah, I would share all my life with you. But you have not shared with me. There are times I have felt so left out, so in the dark and feeling like I didn’t know you at all.”

“You know me better than anyone,” he protested, and she felt her pulse give a little kick. But she had to stay on course.

“I knew the Noah that came home, the Noah that was wounded and the Noah who was working his way through healing. I shared things with you about myself because I felt I could trust you…and that did not come easy to me. I fought my feelings for you so much. I didn’t want to love you, but I always knew you would be going away and I thought my heart was safe.”

How wrong she’d been. The night she’d seen his body laid bare to her, she’d felt a love so big, so pure, it had changed everything. And she’d started to realize how little she truly knew about him. About his hopes and dreams, because he had kept so much hidden from her.

She reached out and took his hand, needing the connection as she gathered the strength to continue.

“When you showed up in your uniform, I thought you had come to say goodbye. Instead you proposed, and all I could see was a question mark. When would you be going back to duty? Where would we live? What would you be doing? How could I find a life again? I realized I had not once seen your uniform, although you had claimed that the army was the most important thing to you. I didn’t know you were going to the funeral even though it could have easily come up in conversation. The most important thing in your life was the one thing you didn’t share. Even the details of your injury…those are sketchy at best. The bits you allowed me to see.” Emotion tore at her throat. “I can’t live that way, Noah. I can’t. I’m not strong enough. Or confident enough. I would always be wondering, waiting for the dream of being with you to end.”

Noah took a step back, staggered by what Lily had said. Had he done that? Had he really shut her out? He thought back to their conversations, their moments together. Had he truly discussed his plans with her? His doubts about going back into an army where he didn’t fit anymore? His longing to be with family? How he’d felt contented back at Lazy L in a way he hadn’t expected?

He hadn’t. And as they stood there in the summer sunshine, he realized that when he’d proposed, he’d asked her to take a leap with him when he’d barely made a single step himself.

He met her gaze and saw her eyes, wide and sorrowful, shining back at him. “You’re right. I asked you to share my life without sharing mine with you.”

She nodded.

He swallowed, wanting to explain how he’d felt, not sure if he could. Never in his whole life had he discussed his feelings this deeply. But he loved her. And he would do
anything to put the smile back on her face. To feel her hand in his. That was more important than being afraid.

“I didn’t think you loved me, you see,” he began. “I kept telling myself you couldn’t, not in my condition. I didn’t know what the future would bring. All I knew was that I felt better—happier—when I was with you. But when the time came to decide what I wanted to do, I was selfish, Lily, and I was wrong. I tested you, and that wasn’t fair. I had to know you loved me for me, not because I was staying in Larch Valley or because I was moving away to be a part of the service again. I’ve been married to the army my whole adult life. And suddenly it wasn’t enough. I wanted
you
. I needed you to want me that much, too. I didn’t want the rest to matter, and because of that I didn’t see I was shutting you out. I’m sorry, Lily, so sorry. I never meant to exclude you.”

“You left the army because of me?” Her voice was a tiny whisper.

“You see?” He ran his hand through his hair, leaving the dark spikes standing on end. “I didn’t want you to bear the responsibility of my choices. I never wanted you to feel I expected something of you. I didn’t leave
for
you—I left
because
of you. Because you showed me there was more in my life than I imagined. You showed me the possibility of a new start. And one I prayed to God you might someday want to share.”

He reached out, running his thumb over her cheek, touching her lips before letting his hand fit the curve of her neck. “I have never been in love before. After my parents, I was sure that it wasn’t something I wanted. Even now, I see how lonely my mom is. I watched Dad’s pain after she’d gone. Oh, Lily, you never trusted in a forever kind of love before. I’m here to say you don’t have to. Just trust in me. I won’t betray your faith. I promise.”

The sob came out before she could stop it, a small hiccup of emotion as she wound her arms around him, holding him close. “I knew the night that we danced and you said you wanted to be perfect that I’d fallen for you.”

“Before the wedding?”

“Oh, yes.” She smiled against the fabric of his shirt, absorbing the feel of his unique shape against hers, the scent of him that was just Noah. “Saying no to you was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.”

“Harder than being left at the altar?” There was a note of incredulity in his voice. She nodded and peered up into his face.

“Absolutely. I never loved him the way I love you, Noah. If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t have had the courage to say what I did today.”

She knew as a concept that didn’t make much sense, but it was true. Her love for him made her stronger. Gave her the desire to fight for the life she wanted.

Her heart clubbed at her ribs. His deep eyes were questioning, with just a hint of challenge that she adored.

It wasn’t what she’d planned, wasn’t what she’d envisioned, but something greater than logic propelled her to kneel before him, holding his left hand in hers, pressing a kiss to the work-roughened skin. “Noah,” she said clearly, her voice ringing out into the summer air. “Will you marry me, Noah? Will you take me, with all of my faults, all of my weaknesses, all of my scars? Because I love you, Noah. More than I ever thought possible. It doesn’t matter where we live. As long as we’re together.”

He tugged on her hand, lifting her to her feet. “Lily,” he said gently, “do you know how many times you have humbled me? With your caring and compassion and strength. It would have been impossible for me not to have fallen in love with you.”

Lily’s eyes misted with tears. “Is that a yes?”

He laughed, a sound filled with happiness and emotion. “Yes, of course it is. I’ll marry you. The sooner the better. I’ll be damned if I’m letting you get away again.”

He pulled her into his embrace, sealing the engagement with a kiss. “Definitely not letting you get away,” he murmured against her mouth.

The clatter of footsteps interrupted the moment before an exclamation cut through the air. Lily’s and Noah’s heads turned together to see Jen and Andrew coming through the barn. Jen stopped abruptly, put a hand to her mouth.

“Drew! They’re not…are they?”

Lily felt a giggle, a warm, expansive bubble of happiness rise within her. Noah’s arm held firm around her waist as they faced Andrew and Jen together.

Jen rushed forward, her jaw slack with surprise, but elation beaming from her eyes. “When did this happen?”

Lily laughed, enjoying her friend’s surprise. “Pretty much the morning you asked me to deliver those groceries,” she admitted with a laugh.

“Lily’s in the market for a matron of honor,” Noah added, the smile Lily adored curling its way up his cheek.

“You’re getting married? Oh, my word. And to think we were inside being worried…” She hugged Noah for the second time that day, before standing back and shaking her head, as if she still didn’t quite believe it. “I hate the word
matron
, but this is one time I’ll wear it. Gladly.”

Andrew caught up with Jen and placed his hands on her shoulders. Happiness glowed from his face. “It’s true? The two of you?”

Lily nodded, while Noah answered, “It took some work.”

Andrew barked out a laugh while Jen rushed forward, claiming Lily in a hug this time. “Oh, you guys!” she wailed, stepping back and dabbing at her eyes. “And oh, Lily, just
think, this time you’ll be making your own wedding dress! It’s so perfect.”

Lily looked up at Noah, knowing Jen knew nothing about the dress still hanging in her closet. It was time to let it go. It was time to put the past behind her and look forward to a kind of future she’d only dreamed of. Noah’s eyes glowed at her, strong and true, and she smiled.

“I’ve made the last wedding dress I’m ever going to,” she announced, squeezing Noah’s hand. “I think a shopping trip for something shiny and new is in order.”

The two couples chatted happily about future plans until Jen stopped up short. “Wait a minute,” she said, turning to Lily, her expression flat with mock seriousness. “I seem to recall it wasn’t that long ago that you said you didn’t date cowboys.”

Lily grabbed Noah’s hand and stepped on tiptoe to kiss his cheek, but he turned at the last second and caught her lips in a sweet, brief kiss.

She turned to Jen, now understanding why it was her friend seemed to glow from within all the time. She smiled, and curled into Noah’s side.

“You know how it is,” she remarked to Jen, while her gaze remained locked with Noah’s. “I guess I’d just never met the right one.”