Her Lover (101 page)

As darkness returned to the auditorium which now filled with the plebeian smell of orange peel, the second half of the programme began. She took his hand gently once more, and the newsreel unwound. Dromedaries with their minds on loftier things sailed superciliously along a Cairo street then disappeared behind a police checkpoint on the Friedrichstrasse which dissolved to a fire-ball engulfing a factory in California which was rapidly extinguished by a Parisian downpour through which sprinted runners sponsored by a daily newspaper, and the winner stood panting, a broad smile all over his face, not knowing what to do with his hands, and swigged champagne proffered by a solicitous interviewer, and Hitler barked like a dog, and in Rio de Janeiro grinning Negro beggars climbed on their knees up the steps of a baroque church pursued by a slow-motion demonstration of football action, the forwards kicking the ball through an unreal, weightless world in which strength and power were lazily protracted, endlessly booting the ball with an unhurried balletic sureness of touch, and Miss Arkansas panicked when she realized that she only had six seconds to impress the judges and did her tragic best to look attractive only to be replaced by two crashed Canadian trains and the Sultan of Morocco walking up the ship's gangplank to greet Marshal Lyautey and as he went holding the hem of his robes behind which Mussolini bawled defiance, hands on hips and chin almost touching his forehead, and cars skidded in an arc as they entered a corner where there was a gang of kids wearing jumpers advertising Menier Chocolate, and Oxford beat Cambridge in the Boat Race, and Marshal Pilsudski bowed his drooping moustache to a tall Romanian queen, and a twitching French cabinet minister pinned a medal to a velvet cushion then disagreeably yapped a speech under an umbrella, and had he not himself, had he not too been a cabinet minister, and was now a nobody who sucked mints?

Then the first of the main features began to roll. Holding hands once more (like two drowning persons clinging to each other, he thought), they were subjected to a display of flesh belonging to a young female star of the silvery screen who had animal lips, alarming, Hottentot-thick lips, like the sucker of some gigantic tapeworm or the maw of a sea monster, and enormous breasts, which were the mainstay of her talent, ten kilos of constantly bared fat which had made her world-famous. After a few minutes he got up, and they left just as the revolting trollop was exhibiting her large posterior, which was her secondary talent.

'We'll go back to the hotel and dance for a while,' he said, as they got into the taxi.

She snuggled up to him. Like at the Ritz, like on their first evening, she thought, and she took his hand again and raised it to her lips while he brooded over the curse which doomed them perpetually to their own company, condemned them to possess nothing but their love. Should he move out and see her just once a week to allow her to experience the joy of being together again? But what would they both find to do on the other six days?

They danced among the other couples in the main ballroom of the Royal. Whenever the band stopped playing, they went back to their table, dignified and silent, while the in-crowd chatted animatedly, for they were all acquainted and none of them was having, at least not overtly, an affair with any of the others. Each time the band struck up again, the gentlemen, all lawyers or in the silk business or the army and graceful despite hernias and varicose ulcers, rose and courteously approached the wives of recorders and members of the bench and begged the honour. Certain ladies, some with hairy chins, accepted with girlish delight and got coquettishly to their feet. Others refused in the time-honoured manner, with refined, modest, wistful
smiles, like grateful but quite untouchable maidens. Each and every one was asked to dance, except the celestial Ariane Cassandre Corisande, nee d'Auble.

'I have a slight headache,' she said after their sixth dance. 'Would you like to go up?'

They rose and left. But when they got to the lift she asked him if he felt like casting an eye over the magazines in the lobby. There was an issue of
Vogue
that she would rather like to look at. She doesn't realize that in reality she's afraid to go back to her room and be alone with me, he thought. He acquiesced, and they sat down at the table where the magazines and newspapers were kept. Keeping her voice down, she asked him if she could hold his hand and said that he meant everything in the world to her. That's true, he thought, and she means all the world to me too, though it does not get us very far.

At the far end of the lobby, ten large, imposing ladies of the middling station were sturdily ensconced. Stoutly settled on their behinds, entrenched in their armchairs, fully accoutred and queens of all they surveyed, they were knitting voraciously and actively conversing in pairs. The hands and mouths of these aged hellish guardians of the proprieties worked unceasingly, implacably, for they were in no doubt of their fitness to sit thus in judgement. Poring over their magazines, intermittent objects of the scrutiny of the knitting hellcats, the two lovers held hands, pretended to read, and, over the interference from the dance-band nearby, listened to the muddled snatches of conversation which reached them in discrete bursts and fragments, like some potent litany.

Seeing a Marshal of France standing not three metres from me I mean to say it brought tears to my eyes Fact is my rheumatism's playing up again It's not so much the cold but the rawness in the atmosphere that does it You never can tell with the English In any case you're better off indoors than outside You were lucky because it's not every day of the week that you get to see a Marshal of France Three metres imagine it The whole international money system has sold out to the communists it's a well-known fact Now knit four purl The Marshal had such a radiant look in his eye that I was knocked completely sideways it was the most beautiful moment of my entire life When you've said foreigners you've said it all When I think that in 1914 grapes were twenty centimes a kilo A look of such unworldliness one could sense that here was a man of honour And grapes like you never see nowadays Now knit six plain He looked every inch a leader of men but one could tell he had a heart of gold And in restaurants you could get a very decent meal for three francs or three francs fifty and wine thrown in And was your husband there that time with the Marshal I wonder what's on the menu for tonight No unfortunately and afterwards he bitterly regretted it In any case I do hope they're not going to give us chicken if it's anything like that old broiler they served up the other day They are quite delightful people Did you see the sun come out all at once Really the weather has gone completely haywire There aren't any seasons any more What can you expect hotel cooking is hotel cooking We see a great deal of them Oh dear I've got it wrong again it should have been six purl that's me all over True but at the prices they charge they could give us a decent bit of chicken The days are drawing in They don't invite just anybody Still I suppose you can say that every day is one day nearer spring Everyone likes them And they have tremendous pull It's narsty sorry nice to be in their company It's no good I'm going to have to undo it all and I haven't brought the right needles It happens a lot these days my tongue slips Roast chicken skin done nice and crisp is what I like best of all When I'm knitting kiddies' clothes I always start the sleeves from the top that way I can always lengthen them if I have to All the major inventions are ours but it's always foreigners who find ways of exploiting them Between you and me I get awfully constipated The Jews are to blame I start on my summer jumpers in the spring and my winter jumpers in the summer that way I can be sure of having them ready at the right time Yes it's always foreigners who make money out of them You've got to be organized It's the financiers who rule the world And they're all foreign She was out of mourning before six months were up The dreadful thing is that farmworkers are deserting the countryside It's all the fault of the Jews And what did the Marshal do They're drawn to the factories It's all the fault of the Jews He smiled and one sensed that here was such a kindly man And even more to the cinemas A magnificent soldier and a God-fearing man the two always go together I think these modern dances are quite disgusting Marvellous blue eyes you know straightforwardness itself The government should ban them A Jew's a Jew and you'll not persuade me otherwise Oh with the government we've got at the moment And it was so sweet when he kissed that little girl a great man but so kind so simple The entire race gives me the shivers I learned a great deal from that lecture the English consul gave and he had such presence too I rather like II Duce there's something so martial about him a great man And so witty into the bargain His wife is very nice too ever so refined Yes both of them are very proper Not like certain people not a million miles from here I know exactly what you mean The governess actually wanted the same as us for dessert He was killed in action you know such a consolation for his poor mother Whenever I hear a regimental band I can't help it my heart goes pit-a-pat Anyway it was the brother-in-law who designed the war memorial he has an art diploma War brings out the best in men The working classes were made to obey orders you'll never persuade me otherwise The important thing is to be respected abroad Dreyfus was a traitor it's a well-known fact In any case Colonel Henry gave his word as an officer and a gentleman What else is there to say A colonel is a colonel there's no getting away from that Degenerate art is what my son calls it We've been too soft Doctor Schweitzer is a great man I have a photo of him hanging over my bed Though it's odd him not being a member of the Academy I've finished
The Ripening Corn
I must let you have it back Did you like it Loved it thought it was wonderful I'll lend you another Rene Bazin and
The Blue Teal
as well it's ever so genteel Socialist and Jew is six of one and half a dozen of the other You know I only read novels by authors who are members of the Academy They're always so well written such an attractive style And I'm very fond of Alphonse Daudet too such a distinguished writer Dr Schweitzer is wonderful A book written by a member of the Academy is a copper-bottomed guarantee A divorcee's a divorcee They're the sort of books that give you food for thought You're so right such an uplifting type of book So you reckon Unseed does the trick better You'll see it works wonders Lovely people A very well-paid job So nice to be in their -company You soak the seeds overnight and you take them first thing in the morning on an empty stomach The ins and outs Anyhow it works
better with me than prunes All doors are closed to them I'll try because truth to tell things might have been easier this morning You're wrong she's not his wife And then a short stroll after lunch there's nothing better for helping things along Oh that ring on her finger doesn't mean a thing I always go wrong when I'm decreasing International finance is now entirely in their hands A clean sweep with a broom Servants in the old days were just like members of the family Stayed in service with the family till the day they died I always keep a note of invitations so I can return them Mussolini has such a nice smile Whereas the maids you get today I always note down my menus so there's no risk of serving the same things to the same people And they say that II Duce plays the violin beautifully The chits you get these days are hght-fingered Ooh that's lovely Deep down he's very soft-hearted And they're so demanding with it The Italians are really very fortunate Say what you will bricks and mortar are the best investment Blum is in cahoots with Stalin Jews always get on with each other like a house on fire A solid piece of property Noble thoughts An unimpeachable reputation Speaking for myself I prefer prunes on an empty stomach They say teacake gives you energy I don't mind admitting I prefer enemas It made me smell a rat They don't have just anybody around A fine soul Pretty well-off He lost his job and it was his own fault We broke off relations at once I'd go as far as to say extremely well-off We've been friendly with the parents for thirty years To be avoided like the plague was what the consul's wife told me Say consul-general dear it's a higher rank altogether You've got to show charity though It's also excellent for constipation They're Protestants but they invite people round and get invited back Yes we go to Switzerland every year You simply avoid talking about religion He said now you listen to me Mummy You can't just ignore people with an uncle who is a three-star general Swiss banks are very discreet The mother is a charming woman you know she was a Bomboin before she married With taxes the way they are you have no choice it's a matter of self-preservation Doctor Schweitzer It's hard to credit but he weighs ten pounds already There was such a crowd at the wedding And what put me on my guard straight away It remains to be seen whether the family will give its consent We put it all in trust in Swiss francs or dollars We put all our trust in God An engraved wedding card My husband is very fond of Nestle shares They were given wonderful presents Bearer bonds are most convenient for you know what You can say it till you're blue in the face And they have the same social background There was a crowd at the funeral it was a grand sight And that way you avoid ghastly death duties Honesty personified You know who you're dealing with Beautiful family vault Moreover they have that system of anonymous I mean numbered accounts it's most agreeable Money is their god it's a well-known fact They're revolutionaries too I can smell them at ten paces And you also have joint accounts which are a great help I can pick them out just by their noses The money belongs to both father and son The Protocols of the Elders of Zion Only the father can touch it during his lifetime When you're a Miss Sphincter you don't marry any Tom, Dick or Harry Then when the father dies there's no bother with the tax people They didn't return our invitation so we don't have anything more to do with them It'll help the young man to get a seat on the Privy Council Oh he knows how to stand up for himself Acquests means that property owned by either spouse before marriage remains in their name They're Nimes's leading family Anyway the next step is up to them we shan't budge an inch Or again you can use the bank's safe-deposit boxes Direct expectations in the near future You go once a year and cut out your coupons She leads a very intense spiritual life It's very good for colds They have these little booths in the safe-deposit vault with everything you need scissors pins Especially since socially speaking it's pretty second-rate When the father dies all the children have to do is open the safe-deposit since they've got the key and power of attorney and no one's any the wiser Yes in the very near future too because the grandmother has already had two seizures A trip to Switzerland comes a lot cheaper than having to pay all those outrageous taxes With a dispensation from fasting and abstinence which was only right Eight stocking-stitches for a cable-stitch One enormous table in the shape of a horseshoe With his father-in-law behind him he'll be a senior member of the Privy Council in next to no time I think small tables arranged separately are much smarter Sacha Guitry is so witty On the smutty side but so very French At root it all comes down to constipation Honeymoons are all very well but after the glamour fades you come down to earth with a bump Edmond Rostand is so subtle never a hint of smut and always terribly patriotic especially that play
L'Aiglon
He stuck to his guns and now he's a consul One spoonful of liquid paraffin before retiring at night The survival of the soul It's very good for constipation My motto is always put other people first He's Greek or something similar Especially since it always pays to give other people a helping hand Yes the son is in the diplomatic dear Still it might have been an Armenian Though the grandfather was a pork-butcher But dear there's a cardinal who is Armenian That's not the same thing at all a cardinal's a cardinal She comes of very ordinary stock but she more than made up for it when she married him My son who is a hospital registrar It's a scream to watch her eating a peach with her fingers my daughter nearly died laughing Dances are essential for helping young people to get acquainted What's bred in the bone will come out in the flesh He said I may travel second-class but I'm still Monsieur Bomboin for all that There's nothing to beat early training A good name is worth more than gold Especially as having a good name helps you get on in life The father insisted on a meeting of both lawyers and it was then that it all came out A good solidly built property is a copper-bottomed guarantee When she found out that he didn't believe in the afterlife she gave him back his engagement ring Bricks and mortar are always bricks and mortar Oh you can see who she takes after You can get such good imitation pearls nowadays that it's hardly worth bothering Religion is a copper-bottomed guarantee Say what you like a diamond's a diamond Myself I'm in favour of the guillotine Yes but it doesn't pay He said I've seen my king now I can die happy And with all these devaluations diamonds are not to be sniffed at As I was saying he's brother-in-law to the admiral And if there's a revolution they're easy to take across the frontier Doctor Schweitzer But you always lose money if you resell She wouldn't even feed the child herself When you use a private clearing-bank you can transfer whatever you like The guillotine is more humane There was just the Prefect his wife and us That way they don't have to be kept at the taxpayer's expense The working classes don't have the same needs as we do The Queen of England has such a kindly face The traditional dress of our own dear region Nor the same worries The traditional
folk-dances The tax-collector's aunt Now you couldn't wish for anything more becoming Her mother drew the line at that and told her she wouldn't get another penny He's a general and lives at Le Mans just like his father which I think is very sweet They're the only ones who can afford tenderloin Just family heirlooms And of course he wants his own car It's all the fault of the Jews With the kind of example he's always been set New Year visits are a tiresome chore The sunrise was as beautiful as a picture postcard Still they're vital if you want to keep up with people The parents' apartment has ten front windows so I said it was all right for her to dance with him You'll not credit it but mine said she wanted to use our bathroom Moscow is where they get their orders Moscow's behind it all But he's a friend of my son's We just won't put up with that sort of thing here We've been too soft Love thy neighbour You needn't worry because I never repeat anything She's living in sin with her fancy man the husband refused her a divorce Thank God there are still people with backbone in France And to think that her parents were such respectable people Still with a character like hers anyone could have seen it coming Watch out for forged references It's hard to credit but after the father died she was seen at the theatre before she'd been in mourning three months The ins and outs of it And mark you it wasn't a classical play not the kind they put on at the Comedie-Francaise oh no the little madam would go to one of those modern plays you can't make head nor tail of Myself I always ring up their previous employers and make enquiries Mummy I won't marry anyone except an officer she said to me Obviously it's safer you can speak openly with people of your own background The poor don't know just how well off they are not having to pay all these outrageous taxes And when she was supposed to be in deep mourning she wore grey How awful The most restful sleep is the kind you get before midnight And with all the money she came into from her father Myself I insist on having a good character reference And naturally all the best houses are closed to her Doctor Schweitzer When you think that the prefect and all the best people went to her father's receptions it's enough to make the poor man turn in his grave In this life you need to be idealistic It's very effective for constipation To be avoided like the plague is what the consul's wife said to me.