Her Mystery Duke (24 page)

Again, he left her speechless with emotion burning in her
throat. He didn’t know her. She wasn’t compassionate or kind. She was selfish,
isolationist, and generally a coward when it came to giving of herself.

But he brought out another side of her. For how long would
he have that effect on her? She didn’t know. However, she hoped it wouldn’t
hurt him too much when her well of feeling for him ran dry. How selfish did it
make her to have accepted his extravagant gifts and the thrill of his
lovemaking, of his games?

How would he feel about her once he learned her limitations?

* * * *

Jeanne sat in the window seat, seeking her peace in watching
the winter birds at their morning labors and finding none. In the weeks that
had followed her initial night here as David’s official mistress, when he had
first spanked her, she found herself growing ever more restive. More a stranger
to herself.

She did not settle into willing, eager, joyful obedience as
she expected whilst lying in his arms that first night.

No, she tested him. Pushed at him. Spoke in snappish, almost
disrespectful tones when he first arrived. She didn’t even know why she did
this except that she was often filled with such edgy, nervous energy before his
visits. Silly doubts and fears seemed to arise for no particular reason and
made her want to defy him. Made her want to push him away.

Her behavior drew predictable results. On any given
Wednesday or Saturday, her arse was sure to feel the weight of his hand. Just
enough to warm her up and set her blood humming and her senses pulsing. And
afterward, it was always the same: she melted into a mass of blissful submission.

On the days of his expected visits, her anxiety increased to
the breaking point. At times, she almost felt ill with it. Take this morning.
She’d been able to eat nothing.

The only thing that would dispel the anxiety was the
spanking. She’d begun to wonder about herself.

He’d arrive later this afternoon. At three, his note said.
She could go to the coffee shop on the corner and also to the lending library
and still be home in time bathe and don the silk robe. She’d be more than ready
to serve him.

* * * *

David sat in the parlor of the house he’d provided for
Jeanne. He’d poured himself a brandy. It couldn’t wash away the bitterness of
his day. His bill had been voted down today in a general vote in the House of Lords.
God, the fucking futility of trying to bring change. So much work and research,
all for naught. Money and influence always seemed to win over facts, reason and
humanity. His political career at times seemed so meaningless. There had to be
a better way.

Perhaps he should have sent his excuses to Jeanne. She
wasn’t expected to hold his hand in times of his disappointments. She was only
meant to pleasure him.

He wasn’t exactly in the mood for carnal pleasure.

So why had he come here?

He had wanted to see her. Just see her.

But the jest was on him. She wasn’t there and the
housekeeper didn’t know where she had gone.

By the time Jeanne finally entered her house, he was beside
himself.

She was flushed, sweat drizzled down her face and several
loose tendrils of golden hair stuck to her cheeks. She had obvious been running
down the street in broad daylight.

“You’re no longer just a girl, living in a brothel in
Whitechapel.”

Her eyes widened and he could see the effort she made to try
and better control her panting breath. “Yes, of course I am not.”

“Then why are acting as though you were, running down a
public street in the middle of the day?”

More color flooded her cheeks. She bent her head and smiled.
“I didn’t think.”

“Do you think I want a mistress who acts like a hoyden in
public?” As soon as he’d said the words, he felt like an ogre. But he wouldn’t
take them back.

“No, I don’t imagine you want a hoyden for a mistress. But
you knew what I was like when you met me. You knew I wasn’t a lady.”

“So I did.”

“I am sorry I was late. I simply lost track of time.”

“Where have you been?”

“I went to coffee shop for a chocolate and—”

“I have provided you with chocolate. Why should you need to
frequent a public house?”

“I like to go there. I like to watch the people.”

“Ladies do not frequent public rooms.”

She looked up, her expression pure defensiveness. “Need I
repeat myself? I am not a lady.”

“You are my lady now. I expect better behavior. I also
expect better adherence to the rules we agreed on. If you won’t do it for
yourself, at least do so out of respect for my reputation. You are a duke’s
mistress.”

“Yes, David.”

“Yes, but what do you have to say for yourself.”

She lowered her eyes again. “Nothing.”

That response settled on him like whisky thrown into a
hearth. He was weary of her disobedience and insolence. He had expected to find
greater peace of mind once she agreed to being kept by him. But he couldn’t
assure himself of her safety or comfort because she insisted on spending more
time out gallivanting about the city, and more often than not, she wouldn’t
even take the carriage. She walked.

And she wouldn’t take the girl with her as a companion.

None of this was going the way he’d expected.

“You knew I would worry over where you were.” He didn’t even
try to keep the vexation from his tone.

She jerked her gaze back to his, her eyes blazing. This time
she was obviously on the offensive. “Why should you worry? I am simply your
Wednesday girl. And the odd Saturday.”

How could she say that when she was never out of his
thoughts? He was every bit as distracted now as he’d once feared he would be.
Before he’d been focused on his work. Perhaps a bit numb. But now he was
definitely unsettled. Unhappy.

“That’s a terribly uncharitable thing to say, Jeanne.”

She flushed all over again and her mouth fell open slightly.
Again, she cast her eyes down.

There was a certain satisfaction in that. He couldn’t deny
to himself that her constant testing was…hurtful. Yes, hurtful because he’d
thought her so much more sensible than that. And since she was, he was forced
to assume she did these things because she wished to hurt him. But that was a
wholly emotional reaction on his part. He mustn’t think with his heart at a
time like this. He needed to hear her reasons and then decide what to do about
the whole matter of their arrangement. Because he wouldn’t tolerate the types
of behaviors that he’d accepted from Therese in his youth. “I want to
understand why you’d do something like this.”

“I stopped by the lending library.”

“Again, I have provided you with every book you requested.
Why should you need to borrow books like a common person?”

“I am a common person.”

“Not really. Not anymore, Jeanne.”

She gaped at him slightly. Then she blinked. “You said I
would have freedom.”

“The world can be a very dangerous place. There are reasons
why the rules are different for men and women.”

“I have done as I have pleased for a long time.”

“That is because there was no one there to care for you. Now
you have me. It is very selfish of you to not consider my feelings in this
matter. You cannot just come and go without saying where you are headed. Not
any longer. Now explain why you would make me endure the worry over you?”

“I like to go there because I like to watch people. I have
told you that. I often feel alone, and it aches inside. Being around other
people in places like that eases my mind and I can concentrate better. I simply
became consumed reading. I lost track of time.”

“I told you that Wednesdays were for solely for me. You are
not to plan any activities in which you would become too consumed to remember
our appointment. I think you did this to solicit punishment. You did it to
manipulate me.”

She glanced away and silence fell between them.

“Why ever would you do such a thing?”

She wouldn’t look at him.

He touched her face. “You can tell me. You can tell me
anything.”

She hugged herself and stalked away from him. The gesture
put a sinking feeling into his chest. He followed her into the parlor. She sat
at the piano bench.

He was filled with too much edgy energy to sit.

She idly began to press random keys. The discordant sound
eroded the last of his control. “Jeanne, please, stop that and attend to me.”

She looked up questioningly, as though she didn’t know what
he meant. He hated that kind of passive disobedience the most.

“I want an honest answer to my question. And stop playing at
being a child. It doesn’t suit you and it doesn’t please me.”

Her expression turned pained. Perhaps it was an expression
of contrition. He hoped he wasn’t simply seeing what he wanted to see. He
wanted to believe she had a valid, compelling reason for what she had done.
Something beyond just the pleasure to toy with his emotions. Something that
would prove that she was different. “Jeanne, I am waiting.”

“Well, it is not easy for me.”

“Just tell me the truth and I shall try to be understanding
but my patience is reaching its end.”

“I’ve been afraid.”

He had expected a string of blaming excuses but such a
candid response made him pause. “Afraid?”

“Of myself.”

“Why were you afraid of yourself?”

“I don’t exactly know.”

Silence ensued. He leaned against the wall and tried not to
press her. But inside, he seethed with impatience.

“I was surviving before I met you.”

“Yes, you were.”

“I could survive on my own again if I had to.” Her steady
look told him she was telling the truth. She had a spine of steel. He knew
that.

“Yes, of course you would. But what has that to do with
today?”

“I don’t want to merely survive any longer. I do not like
the person I was before, all closed off, filled with pain all the time and yet
unable to reach out to anyone. At times with you, I have felt open and free for
the first time since I was very young.”

He couldn’t help a small smile. “You are still very young.”

“I don’t often feel young. I haven’t felt young since Papa
became ill and died. I want to feel free and open all the time but I find
myself closing off, becoming that old self again. It scares me.”

 
“This openness, this
freedom; it is a natural part of you but a very private part. You must grow
into it. However, I think you shall always be a very reserved person in public
situations.”

She hugged her arms. She wouldn’t look at him now. “I want
to feel that openness with you. I am greedy. I want to feel that way everyday.”
She bit her lip. “I am scared of the openness as much as I crave to be open. It
seems safe to be open sometimes. Mostly when you are with me. But it other
times frightens me to be that open and it frightens me to think there may come
a time when I find myself unable to feel that way ever again.” She lifted one
shoulder and then dropped it.

Now she looked at him. Her eyes begged him. Her agitation
seemed to vibrate on the air. He began to understand what she was trying to
convey. She was speaking of submission, but she didn’t have the language to
express it properly. And she didn’t mean the effect of their games on their bed
play. She meant something deeper. Their life. But they didn’t really have a
life together. Their liaison was for pleasure’s sake alone.

But she wanted more. She wanted him to take her more firmly
in hand. More often. She wanted consistency. She wanted his presence in her
life on a daily basis.

It was a stunningly sensual realization. Despite the sour
taste left by today’s losses in the House, his cock went bone hard.

“I suppose I am not making much sense.” Her tone sounded
timid. As well it might after such soul baring revelation.

“You are making a woman’s sense.” He offered her another
smile, to ease the nervousness he’d heard in her voice but his collar seemed to
have become several sizes too small. He understood what lay beneath what she
was trying to say, even if she didn’t. She wanted his presence, more than one
or two nights a week. She wanted to turn their game into their life.

It was a natural woman’s yearning he supposed.

No one had ever been there for her before. Not her father.
Not the men who took her to bed for coin.

No one had made it safe for her to be open. She wanted that
from him, security and constancy that would make her feel safe to be connected.
Yes, he could understand that. But he couldn’t tolerate the kind of
manipulation that Thérèse had once consumed his life with. To be fair, today’s
little drama hadn’t been so terrible, but where would it end? He couldn’t have
that sort of ongoing distraction, disrupting his daily routine and ability to
focus.

There was a further, deeper realization. It just wasn’t
possible for him to have a mistress, or at least not with the type of woman who
aroused his deepest passions.

Something seized in the center of his chest. Pure sadness.
He didn’t know what was going to finally transpire between himself and his
golden girl but this was very ominous.

“The matter of your punishment must wait,” he said. He was
too upset with her, too unsure of his feelings—to think clearly. Playing games
with her was one thing. But to spank her when he was actively upset wasn’t
something he wanted to do.

She paled. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“It’s late now. I have a supper engagement and I cannot
cancel.”

She pierced him with her forthright gaze. “No, I mean you
are leaving me. Forever.”

His heart rate increased and a slight sickness crept into
his guts. She had perceived what he still wanted to deny. “Jeanne, you push too
hard at people. I have said nothing about leaving you forever.”