Here's to Forever (9 page)

“I’m so sorry, Hudson. Just…I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to blow up in your face. I mean, I kind of expected it, but I was hoping my daughter would react differently.”

I clench my jaw, wishing for just a split second that I could grab Ted by the shoulders and shake him. I want to yell and scream that this was all his fault. But that wouldn’t be fair. This is just as much my fault as it is his. I’ve been wrong from the start to go behind Rae’s back. I should have been honest and up front from the very beginning. But I wasn’t. And neither was Ted. Now we’re both paying for it.

I give him a strained smile. “It’s okay, man. She’ll, uh, come around.”

“Damn, son. You don’t sound even a little bit convinced, you know?” When I don’t give any response to that, Ted squints at me, studying me closely. “Did you ask her? Did you propose a future with my daughter while still hiding this from her?”

My throat feels all scratchy, like I’ve been stuck out in the desert with no water for days. I take a sip from the glass I’ve been rolling between my hands. “Uh, kind of.” Ted arches a challenging brow. “Fine. I did,” I huff.

He lets out a big whoop, throwing his head back and slapping his knee, laughing his ass off at me.

“Goddamn, kid. You’re… That’s… Damn. You’re brave.” He shakes his head and I duck mine, not understanding how he thinks this is the funniest thing he’s heard all day.

“And stupid beyond all belief.” I swing my head back toward him, scowling within a nanosecond. “What? You know it as well as I do. That was a dumb move, Hudson. Really damn dumb. She’s not going to trust another proposal you make for a long time.”

I snort, taking another sip off my drink. “She’d have to come home first.”

His eyebrows shoot up at this new bit of information. “She’s gone?”

I nod. “Yep. Staying with Maura for a bit.”

Ted frowns, scrubbing his hand over his head. “You’ve talked with her?”

“Nope. She won’t answer my calls or texts. And trust me, I’ve left a lot. She’s probably got a damn restraining order on my ass already.”

His laugh is dry. “I doubt that, son. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. She’s mad, but she’s not
that
mad.”

“Do you think she’ll come back?” The words leave my mouth before I can catch them and stuff them back in.

“There’s no way she won’t, Hudson. Rae’s a fighter, but more than that, she’s a lover. She loves your daughter. She won’t leave her. And she won’t leave you. I know it seems like the end of everything right now, but I can feel it in my heart that it’s not. Can’t you?”

I reflexively clutch my chest, thinking about Rae and what it would feel like to lose her now. I sense this…spark. Something ignites in me and it’s fierce. It’s telling me to fight, to push, that it’s not the end for us. I can
feel
it. And it gives me this new sense of hope that was slowly fading away.

Ted smiles, knowing exactly what’s happening. “Good, son. That’s good. Use that.” He pauses briefly, scooting forward to the edge of the kitchen chair and folding his hands under his chin. Sadness washes over his face before he smiles again. “Erin and I, we had our troubles. Some of them fairly similar to what’s going on with you and Rae right now. Now, I’m not saying fixing this is going to be easy. I’m not saying it’ll happen overnight. But I
am
saying it will happen. I know my daughter, Hudson.
You
know my daughter. She won’t walk away that easily. And I know you won’t either. That fight you two have? That’s all you need. The rest will fall into place.”

God do I hope that’s true.

He slaps his hand on the table. “Know what you need? A beer. And so do I. What do you say? Beer and wings at Clyde’s?”

A fleeting, sinking feeling in my stomach tells me that’s a bad idea, but I’m so eager to just get out of my own head right now, I ignore it. “Yeah, that sounds great, actually.”

So that’s what we do. I follow Ted in my car over to Clyde’s, the same bar where Rae used to work that holds many memories of the two of us. The first thing I do as we pull in is scope out the lot for Maura’s car. I let out a relieved breath when I don’t see it and head inside behind my hopefully soon-to-be father-in-law.

We find a table and I do everything I can to suppress a groan when my least favorite waitress, Clarissa, sashays up to our table. So not the person I want to deal with right now. Not after she tried hitting on me in front of Rae—twice—in the last six months. I don’t have the energy to deal with that shit today, and I’m liable to snap at any moment.

To my surprise, she’s very cold and methodical as she asks for our drink order and hurries off. Silently saying a thank-you to whoever’s looking out for me today, I glance down at the menu and spot what I want within seconds.

“What. The. Hell.”

My spine goes straight and I seek out the person the shrill voice belongs to. I find her in a flash, rooted in the front of the hallway that leads out back to the employee hangout with Maura standing next to her. Apparently whoever
was
looking out for me just decided to go on break for the day.
Thanks, Guardian Asshole.

In the four days I haven’t seen her, I swear she’s lost at least five pounds that she didn’t have to lose in first place. I hate the way her eyes look swollen and her lips look chapped, like she just got done crying, and how the spark that’s usually lighting them into a bright forest green has gone out. She looks as miserable as I feel, which is pretty damn miserable.

I’m ashamed to admit I’m momentarily thrilled that she’s taking this as hard as I am, but then I check myself. She’s probably a lot more upset over the reasons we’re apart rather than us actually
being
apart. And fuck if that doesn’t claw at me.

The first thing that registers across her face is hurt. The second is sadness. But it’s the third that has me ducking my head.

Rae is fucking pissed. Angry.
Fuming.

Over the raucous customers and steady music, I hear her stomp across the bar, halting when she’s about five feet from our table. I peek over at her to find her mouth twisted into an angry flat line, her nostrils flaring just a smidge. I so badly want to reach out and calm her, but I know right now my touch would have the opposite effect.

“Rae, it’s not his…”

She holds her hand up, silencing her father. Her eyes never leave mine, heat blazing behind her stare. I see her work her jaw back and forth, fighting the words that want to spew out. Taking a calming breath, she lowers her hand and takes a step closer to me, and the heat turns into a low simmer, eventually being replaced by pools of tears that are threatening to spill over the ledge.

I can’t breathe. I mean, I
can
, but I’m
scared
to. I want to pretend I’m seven years old again and my imaginary friend is helping me play invisible to my aggravated parents. I want to act like I’m not here, like I’m not breaking the heart of the woman I love.

“I…I can’t right now, Hudson.
This?
With him? Four days later and
this
is what you’re doing? Just hanging out like old friends, acting like nothing is wrong in your world?”

I want to reach out, to shake her, make her realize I am completely fucking broken right now. That these last four days have been nothing short of hell for me. That I sent my kid away for a few days because I couldn’t handle just waking up and getting out of the damn bed. But I don’t. Because I
deserve
this, this hurt. It’s owed to me.

She stands there, waiting for me to say something, to defend my actions, maybe even lie again. I won’t. So instead, I say something honest, something I think we both need to hear and be reminded of.

“I love you.”

The fucking pool overflows and a tear slides down her cheek. I reach out, barely grazing her face. She flinches, moving away from my touch. And not just moving away by a few inches, but she turns around and bolts out the door. With my fucking heart in the palm of her hands.

I push my stool back to run after her, ignoring the hard stares I’m getting from everyone in the bar as it scrapes angrily across the floor. Ted calls after me, but I don’t fucking care.

Slamming open the front doors, not even stopping when it slaps against the building, I run toward my girl, grabbing her arm and spinning her around to face me.

She gasps, peering up at me with sad, broken eyes. I crush my lips to hers before I can even think about it, pulling her into my embrace and cradling her head in my hands. She falls into me instantly, her body lining up with mine. Her hands clutching my chest, holding fistfuls of my shirt, dragging me in closer. If mouths could do so, ours would be making magic in this moment. We pour everything into this kiss. Our frustrations, pent up tension, broken hearts, tears…love. Lots and lots of fucking love. I feel the tiniest of pinpricks start in my chest, the little gaping holes sewing themselves shut every time our tongues tangle together. Magic. Pure fucking magic.

But just as quickly as the magic began, it ends. Suddenly, she’s not begging me closer, but pushing me away. She’s not holding on to me with everything she has, not wanting to let me go, but instead pleading for distance.

I pull back, still holding on to her, and tilt her head to mine, meeting her lust- and anger-filled gaze. We’re taking staggered breaths, chests bumping against one another with every drag of air.

She opens her mouth to say something, closes it, and then opens it again. I don’t let her. Instead, I kiss away her words. And she lets me.

She fucking lets me
. 

This kiss is less desperate, slower. And sadder. We both feel it, both feel the tears slide down her cheeks. And we ignore it because this kiss is just that perfectly tragic. So tragic that this sort of feels like…the end.
I don’t want this to be the end.

I’m the one to pull away first. Closing my eyes and dropping my forehead to hers, I speak. “I’m not going to let you stop loving me.”

“Never.”

That’s all I need. That promise that no matter what, she’ll love me. With that one little word, I feel stronger, safer, more sure.
We can do this.

Taking an encouraging breath, I step away from her fully, putting at least a foot of distance between us. A little crinkle forms between her brows, her sudden irritation a little confusing. Especially when she was the one who just walked out—again—and the one who was just pushing me away moments ago.

“Take it, Rae. The time that you need, take it. I don’t care how long it is—take it. We’re going to make it through this because I’ll never stop loving you, and damn if I don’t know that our love
is
enough. I won’t give up that easily and I don’t think you will either. So take your time. I’ll be here waiting for you when you’re ready.”

Spinning on my heel, I start marching back toward the bar, only to pause when I hear her feet on the pavement behind me. I twist around just as she reaches out for me, grabbing her hand and pulling her in for a hug. We stand in the parking lot holding on to each other for hours. Or maybe just minutes. Either way, it’s too short of a time.

“Thank you,” she says, her husky voice muffled by my chest.

Kissing the top of her head, I gently unwind my arms, stepping away once again.

Away from her. Away from my forever.

For now.

“As much as I hate saying this…you need to get the hell off my couch, woman. Now.”

I glare at my blonde bestie, who’s currently standing between me and my boys on the flat screen.

“The Winchesters are on.”

“Who cares about the friggin’ Winchesters!” 

I gasp at her words because
everyone
cares about the Winchesters. Or at least they should. 

“You stink, Rae. I mean you’re downright rank smelling. Get. Up. Shower. Get dressed. Go pick up pizza instead of ordering delivery. I don’t care, just get the hell off my couch!”

I sigh and grumble all at once, waving her out of the way. She doesn’t budge.

“Ugh! Fine!” I yell, throwing the blanket off me and jumping up from the couch. “But I’m
not
shaving my legs!”

“Fine! They keep me warm at night anyway!”

Fifteen minutes later I waltz back out the bathroom feeling—and I’d hate to admit this to Maura—refreshed and a lot more like myself than the zombie I’ve become.

I catch Maura snuggled up on the couch under
my
blanket, watching
my
show. I clear my throat, standing in front of the TV just like she did when she interrupted my pity party.

“What?” she asks, innocently blinking up at me. “It’s a good show, okay? And besides, you’re kicked out of the apartment for the day. It’s my turn to wallow.”

Sometimes I forget I’m not the only one hurting right now, that I’m not the only one going through a…separation. I feel a little guilty for making this all about me the past four days, since I accidentally encountered Hudson at Clyde’s when I was visiting with Maura on her last day there. And then proceeded to make out with him in the parking lot, only to have him push me away and say beautiful words that simultaneously ripped my heart to shreds and stitched it up. I almost forgot I was mad at him for just the tiniest of moments.