Hey Nostradamus!

 

Contents

Title Page

Epigraph

 

1988: Cheryl

1999: Jason

2002: Heather

2003: Reg

 

A Note on the Author

Also by Douglas Coupland

Praise for Hey Nostradamus!

Copyright

 

Behold, I tell you a mystery;
we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,
in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet;
for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable,
and we shall be changed.

I Cor. 15:51-52

 

Part One

1988: Cheryl

 

I
believe
that what separates humanity from everything else in this world-spaghetti, binder paper, deep-sea creatures, edelweiss and Mount McKinley-is that humanity alone has the capacity at any given moment to commit all possible sins. Even those of us who try to live a good and true life remain as far away from grace as the Hillside Strangler or any demon who ever tried to poison the village well. What happened that morning only confirms this.

It was a glorious fall morning. The sun burned a girly pink over the mountain ranges to the west, and the city had yet to generate its daily smog blanket. Before driving to school in my little white Chevette, I went into the living room and used my father's telescope to look down at the harbor, as smooth as mercury, and on its surface I could see the moon dimming over East Vancouver. And then I looked up into the real sky and saw the moon on the cusp of being overpowered by the sun.

My parents had already gone to work, and my brother, Chris, had left for swim team hours before. The house was quiet-not even a clock ticking-and as I opened the front
door, I looked back and saw some gloves and unopened letters on the front hallway desk. Beyond them, on the living room's gold carpet, were some discount warehouse sofas and a lamp on a side table that we never used because the light bulb always popped when we switched it on. It was lovely, all that silence and all that calm order, and I thought how lucky I was to have had a good home. And then I turned and walked outside. I was already a bit late, but I was in no hurry.

Normally I used the garage door, but today I wanted a touch of formality. I had thought that this morning would be my last truly innocent glance at my childhood home-not because of what really ended up happening, but because of another, smaller drama that was supposed to have unfolded.

I'm glad that the day was as quiet and as average as it was. The air was see-your-breath chilly, and the front lawn was crunchy with frost, as though each blade had been batter fried. The brilliant blue and black Steller's jays were raucous and clearly up to no good on the eaves trough, and because of the frost, the leaves on the Japanese maples had been converted into stained-glass shards. The world was unbearably pretty, and it continued being so all the way down the mountain to school. I felt slightly high because of the beauty, and the inside of my head tickled. I wondered if this is how artists go through life, with all of its sensations tickling their craniums like a peacock feather.

 

 

I was the last to park in the school's lot. That's always such an uneasy feeling no matter how together you think you are-being the last person there, wherever
there
may be.

I was carrying four large binders and some textbooks, and
when I tried shutting the Chevette's door, it wouldn't close properly. I tried slamming it with my hip, but that didn't work; it only made the books spray all over the pavement. But I didn't get upset.

Inside the school, classes were already in session and the hallways were as silent as the inside of my house, and I thought to myself,
What a day for silence
.

I needed to go to my locker before class, and as I was working my combination lock, Jason came up from behind. “Boo.”

“Jason-don't do that. Why aren't you in class?”

“I saw you parking, so I left.”

“You just walked out?”

“Forget about that, Miss Priss. Why were you being so weird on the phone last night?”

“I was being weird?”

“Jesus, Cheryl-don't act like your airhead friends.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes. You're my wife, so act like it.”

“How should I be acting, then?”

“Cheryl, look: in God's eyes we're not two individuals, okay? We're one unit now. So if you dick around with me, then you're only dicking around with yourself.”

And Jason was right. We were married-had been for about six weeks at that point-but we were the only ones who knew it.

 

 

I was late for school because I'd wanted everyone out of the house before I used a home pregnancy test. I was quite calm about it-I was a married woman, and shame wasn't a factor. My period was three weeks late, and facts were facts.

Instead of the downstairs bathroom I shared with my brother, I used the guest bathroom upstairs. The guest bathroom felt one notch more medical, one notch less tinged by personal history-less accusatory, to be honest. And the olive fixtures and foil wallpaper patterned with brown bamboo looked swampy and dank when compared to the test's scientific white-and-blue box. And there's not much more to say, except that fifteen minutes later I was officially pregnant and I was late for math class.

 

 

“Jesus, Cheryl…”

“Jason, don't curse. You can swear, but don't curse.”

“Pregnant?”

I was quiet.

“You're sure?”

“I'm late for math class. Aren't you even happy?”

A student walked by, maybe en route to see the principal.

Jason squinted like he had dust in his eyes. “Yeah-well, of course-sure I am.”

I said, “Let's talk about it at homeroom break.”

“I can't. I'm helping Coach do setup for the Junior A team. I promised him ages ago. Lunchtime then. In the cafeteria.”

I kissed him on his forehead. It was soft, like antlers I'd once touched on a petting zoo buck. “Okay. I'll see you there.”

He kissed me in return and I went to math class.

 

 

I was on the yearbook staff, so I can be precise here. Delbrook Senior Secondary is a school of 1,106 students located about a five-minute walk north of the Trans-Canada
Highway, up the algae-green slope of Vancouver's North Shore. It opened in the fall of 1962, and by 1988, my senior year, its graduates numbered about thirty-four thousand. During high school, most of them were nice enough kids who'd mow lawns and baby-sit and get drunk on Friday nights and maybe wreck a car or smash a fist through a basement wall, not even knowing why they'd done it, only that it had to happen. Most of them grew up in rectangular postwar homes that by 1988 were called tear-downs by the local real estate agents. Nice lots. Nice trees and vines. Nice views.

As far as I could tell, Jason and I were the only married students ever to have attended Delbrook. It wasn't a neighborhood that married young. It was neither religious nor irreligious, although back in eleventh-grade English class I did a tally of the twenty-six students therein: five abortions, three dope dealers, two total sluts, and one perpetual juvenile delinquent. I think that's what softened me up for conversion: I didn't want to inhabit that kind of moral world. Was I a snob? Was I a hypocrite? And who was
I
to even judge? Truth be told, I wanted everything those kids had, but I wanted it by playing the game correctly. This meant legally and religiously and-this is the part that was maybe wrong-I wanted to outsmart the world. I had, and continue to have, a nagging suspicion that I used the system simply to get what I wanted. Religion included. Does that cancel out whatever goodness I might have inside me?

Jason was right:
Miss Priss
.

 

 

Math class was
x
's and
y
's and I felt trapped inside a repeating dream, staring at these two evil little letters
who tormented me with their constant need to balance and be equal with each other. They should just get married and form a new letter together and put an end to all the nonsense. And then they should have kids.

I thought about my own child-to-be as I stared out the window, turning the pages only when I heard everybody else turn theirs. I saw fleeting images of breast-feeding, prams and difficult labor, my knowledge of motherhood being confined mostly to magazines and cartoons. I ignored Lauren Hanley, two rows over, who held a note in her hand that she obviously wanted me to read. Lauren was one of the few people left from my
Youth Alive!
group who would still speak to me after rumors began spreading that Jason and I were making it.

Carol Schraeger passed the note my way; it was a plea from Lauren to talk during homeroom break. We did, out by her locker. I know Lauren saw this meeting as being charged with drama, and my serenity must have bothered her.

“Everyone's talking, Cheryl. Your reputation is being tarnished. You have to do something about it.”

Lauren was probably the key blabber, but I was a married woman, so why should I care? I said, “Let people say what they want, Lauren. I take comfort in knowing that my best friends are squelching any rumors from the start, right?”

She reddened. “But everyone
knows
your Chevette was parked at Jason's all weekend while his parents were away in the Okanogan.”

“So?”

“So you guys could have been doing anything in there-not that you were-but imagine what it looked like.”