Hitched (10 page)

Hmm. If that was true, it might be a problem. “Why?”

“Why did I get serious?” he repeated.

That didn’t seem right either. It wasn’t that he hadn’t been serious. He’d been dedicated in vet school and then very focused when starting his career. Even when they were together having fun, he’d been…determined. That didn’t sound like it should go with “fun”, but it was true. Gavin pursued fun like he’d pursued her, and school and work—the things that mattered to him. “I mean, why with me? We’ve always avoided serious, haven’t we?”

His frown deepened. “Yeah, well, you were about to say I do to another guy. That’s very serious to me, Allie.”

Ah. He was twisted up about her almost-marriage. That was good. She’d hoped he’d have some emotions about the situation. It looked like it had gone so far as to knock good-time Gavin serious.

“But I didn’t. So it’s a moot point. No need to get all
serious
about it.” She really didn’t want to talk about Josh or her Wedding That Wasn’t or all the people who were disappointed and upset and even angry now.

She really
, really
didn’t.

She wanted to have fun. She wanted to go roller-skating or rafting, or play paintball or strip Old Maid or dirty-word hangman.

“If you need someone’s deep, dark secrets, ask Lydia,” Allie said, not making eye contact.

“No.”

“Why not? She might really need someone to talk to.”

“If she does, she knows where I am.”

“But you’re not going to insist with her?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not in love with her.”

Allie’s gaze came immediately back to his and she stared at him. God, hearing those words sent emotions spiraling through her, rocking her.

“But I am in love with
you
,” he said. “I want it all from you. You’re going to have to spill everything.”

Damn. She hadn’t been expecting this at all. When he’d shown up like a superhero at the very last moment to save her, she’d been sure this would be more of what Gavin did best—making her feel good, taking care of her.

He was her haven. When she was with him, they laughed and made love and tried things like rock climbing and hot-air ballooning. They were spontaneous and didn’t worry about schedules. Of course, school was important and they’d both worked to help with the bills, but when they had time off, they made the most of it. Together.

He’d had a sixth sense for what she needed. She’d go home to the harbor, without him, and spend the weekend with her family. When she got back to Boston she’d be tired or frustrated or worried, but Gavin always made it good again. Sometimes they’d head out to a sexy couples yoga class, sometimes a trip to their favorite dessert shop, sometimes to a late-night showing of an Audrey Hepburn movie. Sometimes they’d just drink great wine and dance on the balcony. Whatever it was, it erased the stress of the weekend and effectively focused her back on him and their life together, where things were just how she wanted them.

She wanted that.

To feel good. To have Gavin make her feel good.

She wanted massages and dessert and sex. Lots of hot, sweaty, forget-everything-else sex.

But no. Now he wanted to
talk
. About her
feelings
. Ugh.

She couldn’t do it. It was too much of a risk. It was too dangerous. He didn’t know what he was asking.

If she let even one little thing out—like how she was afraid to open any of the drawers in her dad’s kitchen because she might find a pack of gum with a stick missing and know her mother had chewed that one piece, or worse, an old grocery list in her mother’s handwriting—she’d curl up into a little ball, start crying and never stop.

Allie pressed her lips together and shook her head.

“Oh, yes,” Gavin said, lifting his thumb to free her lower lip. “I want everything, Al.”

She wanted to push him away as badly as she wanted to hug him.

Hugging was also something she hadn’t let many people do. It was dangerous too. The dam she’d put up to hold all the emotions back was at risk of crumbling. Josh was the only one she’d talked to about problems and feelings, and they’d had an understanding—they talked about their families’ problems and feelings, not their own.

But with Gavin it was different. She needed this—to feel him, to know he was real and
here
. She leaned forward and he immediately took her into his arms. Her body molded to his as his arms went around her. She pulled in a deep breath of his scent, absorbing how warm and solid and strong he felt into her bones.

This was where she belonged.

It all made sense when he was here.

All the yucky, sad stuff went away and instead she got to feel cared for and like nothing bad could ever happen.

As long as Gavin held her and touched her and kissed her and smiled at her, reality was a distant and dim memory.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when your mom died.”

Unless he talked about the yucky, sad stuff.

She stiffened and tried to pull back but he held on. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“I know. I know we don’t talk about this stuff. But I have to tell you this.”

She steeled herself. Gavin was her shelter and he knew it. Deep down, she’d suspected that had something to do with why he hadn’t come for the funeral—for
her
. Because that wasn’t what they did.

Gavin was a pro at making her forget. And now he was making her think.

“I didn’t know that she’d passed away until two weeks after the funeral. By then I knew it was too little, too late to call and say I was sorry. A plant or flowers would have been dumb at that point and…” He trailed off and took a deep breath.

Allie felt his chest rise and fall under her cheek, but she didn’t dare look up at him. She felt tears begin to sting, and she tightened her arms around his waist and held on.

“I was a selfish bastard, but I chose to stay away instead of come home, because I knew if I came back to see you, I’d never leave,” he said quietly.

She tried to focus on the selfish bastard part, to work up some anger or hurt. It was true. He was more comfortable being the good-time guy, the hero who saved her from all the hurt. In Promise Harbor after her mom’s death, the hurt was everywhere, in everything. He couldn’t have saved her, and she was sure that was part of why he hadn’t come.

But, she’d wanted to be saved. She’d wanted—dreamed of—him coming for her just like he had at the wedding. Sweeping her off her feet. Carrying her away from it all.

“I ached to see you. I lay awake every night, thinking about what you were going through. I was a complete asshole to everyone around here for weeks. You can ask them. I’m sure they’d confirm it.”

She smiled against his shirt but still said nothing. What could she say? That it was all right? It wasn’t. She’d needed him and he hadn’t been there. But they could go forward from here.

She tipped her head back to look up at him. “You want to make me feel better?”

She needed him to stop talking. She needed to stop thinking.

“Of course.” He ran his hands up and down her back. “That’s why you’re here. To get better. To feel good again. To let someone else take care of you for a change.”

“Then kiss me.”

Heat flared in his eyes as her request registered. He swallowed. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“I think it’s a great idea,” she countered.

“I’m not sure you’re ready for that.” But he didn’t move back or try to let her go.

“How could I not be ready for it?”

“It’s just…fast. With everything else that’s going on. I just want you to be here, to relax, to rejuvenate…”

“You don’t want to have sex with me?”

He swallowed again and his gaze dropped to her lips. “I didn’t say that.”

“This isn’t exactly new territory for us, you know,” she said. “I know what to expect. And I
know
it will make me feel better.”

He drew in a long breath. “It’s kind of new. It’s been awhile. A lot’s changed.”

She thought she knew what was going on. She was a mess. Gavin had never seen her like this. No one had. She didn’t just handle things, she handled them well.

She was strong, and that made Gavin’s job of helping her forget about her worries and frustrations easy and guilt-free. She didn’t need to be coddled and cuddled. She needed to be distracted.

Sex with Gavin definitely distracted her. It made her forget her own name most of the time.

“I’m not delicate, Gavin. I’m not going to break.”

“Yeah, well, you don’t know what I have planned for you,” he muttered.

She grinned at that. And it felt really good. “Is that right?”

“I have some big-time pent-up emotions going here,” he said.

Allie couldn’t help the warmth that spread through her. It was the weird combination of desire and comfort she always felt with Gavin. How could she not be addicted to him? No guy had ever made her feel the way he did. He made her smile even when he was turning her on.

“Kiss me,” she said again, pulling back and going onto tiptoe. He wouldn’t say no. Gavin always wanted her. The sex was amazing. Way amazing. Not-fair-to-the-other-guys-in-the-world amazing.

Gavin sighed and pulled her hips closer. “Having you in my bed again has been wonderful and horrible,” he said, his gaze traveling over her face. “Having you in my arms makes me sure that you’ll be okay, that I can take care of you, but sleeping next to you and not touching you has been torture.”

“We’ve never spent the night in the same bed without sex,” she said, realizing it herself for the first time. That he’d held her, and only held her, meant a lot.

“I know. I’m a strong advocate for that habit,” he said with a grin. “But this was nice too.”

Allie felt tears threatening. God, she hated that. Why was she
constantly
on the verge of crying? This was no time to cry. Gavin had been sweet and protective and wonderful. That wasn’t anything new or surprising.

But it felt so good.

Sex. Hard, fast, awesome, sweaty sex. That’s what she needed. All these mushy feelings would go away if they could just get naked.

She ran her hands up under the edge of his shirt. “I’ve never had sex in Alaska.”

His grin fell away and want was immediately clear in his eyes, as if it had been just under the surface and he’d been trying to cover it up. “Me either.”

She stared at him. Did he mean… Had he seriously… “What?” she asked.

“I’ve never had sex in Alaska either.”

She believed him. But she was amazed. Not that she’d expected him to have a different girl every night or anything, but he certainly hadn’t been a virgin when they’d gotten together, and he was seemingly insatiable with her.

Gavin was gorgeous and masculine with a voracious sexual appetite that was also varied—they’d done it all from various positions to toys to role-playing.

How was it possible that he hadn’t had sex for a year?

“You go into Canada for sex?” she asked.

He shook his head. “I haven’t been with anyone since you and I met in Denver.”

That was the last time they’d been together. It had been three months after her mom got sick. Allie hadn’t intended to call him, certainly not to see him, after they’d broken up the last time. But she had to get away. She had to lose herself for just a few days in the midst of all the sadness and pain. And he’d been the first one—the only one really—that she’d wanted to see.

He hadn’t even asked why. He’d just said, “I’ll be in Denver tonight.”

That had been a wild weekend too. They’d been naked in the hotel suite for a solid forty-eight hours. He’d made her scream and laugh, and she’d loved him in that weekend more than she ever had. He’d met her, without question, and given her exactly what she needed, somehow knowing without her saying a word. She hadn’t wanted to talk about things at home. She hadn’t wanted to think about home. She’d just wanted to feel good.

Like now.

He was doing it again. Saving her without question.

She didn’t know what to say to him. He hadn’t been with anyone since her. He hadn’t been with anyone else while they were together—not that he would have had time or energy for anyone else anyway—and she’d only been with Josh…

No way was she thinking about her ex-fiancé right now.

She turned and pulled Gavin with her up the stairs to the bedroom. He followed without a word. The minute they were through the doorway, she turned, put her hand at the back of his head, pulled him forward and kissed him.

That was all it took.

His fingers curled into her hips and he lifted her up against him. His lips opened, his tongue stroking boldly, possessively. Then he ran his hand down to her thigh, lifting it and turning her at the same time. He backed her up against the door, his erection pressing against her, and Allie gasped. All she could think about or feel was Gavin. His body, his heart rate, his heat, his scent. She wanted it all to wrap around her and fill her up.