Holding On (46 page)

‘Wait,' she said. ‘Wait. Hong Kong was fine as a two-year posting and I
did
love it, some of it, although I missed everyone so terribly. But that doesn't mean I want to live there permanently. I take it that this is what's in your mind? This isn't just a two-year job or something?'

‘Of course it isn't,' he said impatiently. ‘Do you realise how lucky I am to be offered such a job at my age? For God's sake! Most wives would leap at it.'

‘But I don't want to live in Hong Kong, Miles. I can't believe that you thought that I would. I'm English. I want to be here in my own country. And to be so far from the twinnies and the family—'

‘Oh, I wondered how long it would be before we came round to that,' he said irritably, turning away from her. ‘I thought that just for once you might put me first.'

‘That's unfair,' she said, stung by such injustice. ‘I've moved about with you for fourteen years, I've been glad to, but I'm not prepared to contemplate spending the rest of my life in Hong Kong. And what happens when Great Britain's lease runs out in the nineties?'

He shrugged it off. ‘Nothing will happen. Do you honestly see Margaret Thatcher handing it back to China? According to Richard there's massive building going on out there. High rises are going up on every available square inch of land. He says we'll hardly recognise it.'

Fliss shuddered slightly. ‘I can well believe it,' she said.

He was cross with himself for letting this negative information slip. ‘I'm sure it won't make any difference to us,' he said. ‘Don't be foolish about this, Fliss, please. The twins can travel to and fro for holidays and they can go to The Keep or to Hal for exeats and half terms. We simply can't let them stand in the way of this fantastic opportunity. I know how you feel about your family but we must put us first. There will be plenty of opportunities to come over to see them and they can come to us if they want to but we have to think of ourselves here.'

Fliss tried to smile. ‘The trouble is,' she said, ‘that you're assuming that we want the same thing. I don't want to go to Hong Kong, Miles. Even if the twinnies and my family were out of the equation I still shouldn't want to go. I've been to Hong Kong and to Brussels and we've moved round this country and it was fun. But I want to stop now and settle down. Here in England, preferably in Devon, but certainly not in Hong Kong.'

He stared at her disbelievingly. ‘I don't understand you,' he said at last. ‘I've plotted and planned for this. Richard and I have talked about it almost ever since we left Hong Kong. It's our new start. Our new life. Most people would be out of their minds with excitement.'

‘Perhaps you should have discussed it with me as well as with Richard,' she said – and watched his lips tighten at this criticism. ‘If you don't understand
me
, Miles, even less do I understand
you
. How is it possible that you know me so little as to think that I'd like the idea? Why did you never consider telling me about it?'

Miles tried to push down his instinctive anger at being questioned in such a way. Perhaps he had been a touch autocratic in arranging things without consulting her but this was the way he'd always behaved. She was so young and inexperienced, so foolish about the twins and her family. He still suspected that this lay at the root of the problem and he decided to try a different approach. She was watching him, chin high, eyes wary, and he was reminded of old Mrs Chadwick.

‘Look,' he said, and his voice was conciliatory now, ‘I admit I've probably been a bit high-handed but you know me, Fliss. I'm just one of those people who like to be in control. It was silly to want to get it all arranged before I told you but you have to believe that it never occurred to me for a single moment that you wouldn't love the idea. In fact I was afraid to tell you unless it fell through and you were disappointed. Clearly I misjudged the situation. I've allowed myself to get as bit carried away.' He sighed, part regret, part self-pity, expecting her ready sympathy to respond to this admission. ‘But I can't tell you how terribly I've looked forward to this, Fliss.' His voice grew louder again now and his face was eager. ‘I've thought about nothing else for months, ever since I knew there might be a job with Peter Perowne. Can't you see how I felt? It was for
us
, Fliss, not for me. It's the beginning of our new life together.'

‘But I don't want a new life.' Her voice was cool. ‘I like the old life, Miles. I know you've left the Navy and I know that it might be difficult to get a job but it's not that urgent. We can live on your pension and my allowance quite easily until something turns up. I can get a teaching post if it comes to that.'

He was frowning, cautious and alert. ‘What d'you mean?'

She clenched her fists with frustration. ‘You say that you planned it for us, Miles, but now that you can see that I don't want it, can't we think again? If this is really the beginning of our new life together shouldn't you have planned it with me rather than with Richard Maybrick?'

‘Look,' he said grimly, ‘I've apologised for not taking you into my confidence, no doubt it was wrong of me, but let's not bother with that now. Don't let hurt pride spoil this for us—'

‘Hurt
pride
,' she burst out. ‘Yes, fair enough, it does hurt that you never mentioned this to me at all but I'm not playing hard to get, Miles. This isn't some kind of act to punish you for treating me as if I'm a backward child instead of your wife. It's simple. I don't want to live in Hong Kong. That's all there is to it.'

She stared at him, willing him to understand. He shook his head, as if she were speaking some language that he couldn't understand.

‘So what are you suggesting?'

She took a deep breath. ‘I'm suggesting that this isn't going to work. I'm saying that I'm not going to Hong Kong. I'm suggesting that we think again. Make other plans.'

‘You can't be serious?' He looked outraged. ‘You don't think that I'm going to turn down this opportunity, do you?'

There was a silence. ‘You told me,' she said carefully, ‘that this wasn't for you but for us.'

‘So I hoped,' he said with a short laugh. ‘It seems that I was wrong.'

‘Yes,' she said, after a moment. ‘You were wrong. Are you saying that you will go to Hong Kong whether I go or not?'

‘But why do we have to talk like this?' he shouted. ‘I might never get another chance as good as this one. Why should I turn it down?'

She bit her lip, fighting an urge to give in, to agree that he must have his opportunity, that she should be ready to support him. ‘You don't have to,' she said at last – and watched the tension go out of him as he gasped with relief that she had come to her senses. ‘It would be wrong to ask you to sacrifice your career, just as it would be wrong to ask me to sacrifice my life. I can't go to Hong Kong, Miles. I'm sorry. If you want to go I shan't stop you and I can understand what it means to you but I can't face the thought of living there permanently. Don't misunderstand me. It's not because of the twinnies or the family, although they enter into it, it's because I don't belong there. It was one thing being a naval wife and going where the Navy sent you but now we have choices and Hong Kong isn't my choice.'

‘Are you threatening me?' he asked quietly.

She laughed. ‘Don't be silly. I'm simply telling you the truth. It's up to you—'

‘Oh no,' he said quickly. ‘Don't put it on me. It's up to you. I'm continuing to offer you a home and my support in Hong Kong. If you don't choose to take it then it's your decision, not mine.'

‘Very well,' she said gently but quite firmly. ‘I don't choose it.'

‘I think you'd better think it over,' he said. ‘You need to be on your own for a day or two to have time to consider. I have to go up to London to sort out a few things anyway so as to be ready to fly out at the end of the month.'

‘The end of the
month
. . .?'

‘Quite,' he said. ‘Naturally I wasn't expecting you to come with me that soon – you'd have to follow later – but think about it, Fliss. It's our lives we're talking about here so don't be too hasty. I'm going to pack a bag and be off, give you some space, but don't be melodramatic about it, for God's sake. OK?'

He went out and up the stairs and she was left alone, staring at the ginger jar.

Yawning, Kit tied her dressing-gown belt tightly about her and stumbled out of her bedroom. Outside the bathroom door she paused. Strange sounds issued forth, as though someone might be cutting his – or her – throat in the bath and she stood, trying to concentrate beyond the dull aching of her own head, listening intently. After a moment or two she realised that it was merely Sin singing. Unmelodic strains of ‘I Feel Pretty' rose above the plashing of water and the strangled gurgles of the antique cistern. Kit passed on, groaning aloud as she groped her way into the kitchen and stood looking about her. Indications of the previous night's revelry met her wincing gaze and she tried to fill the kettle with her eyes closed lest the sight of such carnage should depress her too utterly. She tried to remember the party but most of the details remained outside her present cerebral capabilities. Andrew and Clarrie had been there, of course, as well as other friends, celebrating Sin's birthday; her fortieth birthday.

Kit spooned instant coffee into a mug, opened a cupboard door and peered inside for some aspirin. To begin with, poor Sin had been rendered practically suicidal at the idea of forty. Depression had set in months before the dreaded day and it had taken everyone's co-operation to persuade her that this wasn't simply the end of everything.

‘Forty,' she'd moan at regular – and often quite inappropriate – intervals. ‘Oh God. Forty years old. I'm over the hill. Middle-aged. Might as well top myself and have done.'

Kit, whose own fortieth birthday had been last autumn, attempted to persuade Sin that forty was a mere nothing. ‘Look at Clarrie,' she'd said. ‘Look at Uncle Theo.'

‘They're men,' Sin had replied morosely – and then almost overnight, her depression had changed to this cheerful jollity which resulted in throwing impromptu parties and singing in the bath.

‘And we all know why,' muttered Kit bitterly, swallowing several tablets quickly with gulps of coffee and burning her tongue in the process. ‘It's love. Dear God, it's pathetic. We just never learn, do we?'

The bathroom door slammed and Sin pattered into the kitchen wrapped in a huge towel, her hair in a turban, her face radiant.

‘Coffee!' she cried. ‘Great!'

‘Hush,' whispered Kit furiously, closing her eyes in agony. ‘Don't
shout
!'

‘Sorry.' Sin modulated her voice to a more reasonable level but couldn't help grinning. ‘I told you to go gently on the vodka.'

‘Shut up,' muttered Kit grimly. ‘I was commiserating with Hal . . .' She fell silent, eyes still closed, marshalling her thoughts. ‘Hal,' she repeated carefully. ‘Was Hal here last night?'

‘He was indeed,' said Sin cheerfully, though still quietly. ‘He dropped in quite by chance. He'd been seeing some bigwig at the Ministry of Defence and decided to visit us afterwards. When he knew that it was my birthday he went round to the off-licence and brought back lots of booze.'

‘Aah.' Kit nodded – and stopped abruptly, frowning painfully. ‘I remember now. He was telling me his problems and we were comforting each other.'

‘You certainly were,' agreed Sin. ‘He's still sleeping it off on the sofa. It was really good to see him.'

‘Poor old Hal,' mourned Kit, sounding now if she might burst into tears at any moment. ‘Isn't life hell? He's got all these problems with that cow Maria, and then there's Fliss phoning up to say that Miles wants her to go and live in Hong Kong. And now there's you and Andrew—'

‘But that's good,' interrupted Sin. ‘Me and Andrew, I mean. It's great. I've never been so happy.'

Making a supreme effort Kit raised her eyelids a little, gazing at Sin through the lower part of her eyes.

‘How can it possibly be great?' she demanded scornfully. ‘He's married. Terribly, terribly married. What sort of future does that leave you?'

Sin heaved a sigh of happiness and beamed upon her flatmate. ‘But it doesn't matter,' she explained. ‘He loves me. It's working. I'm not certain that I'd want to marry him anyway. This way I keep my independence. I like the idea of keeping my job and my friends separately. I like the way you and I go on together. It's what I'm used to. Then again, I love my evenings out with him and our walks on the heath and Sunday lunchtime down the pub. Just knowing that we love each other, being able to admit it and share it, is enough.'

‘At the moment,' assisted Kit cynically as Sin paused, either for breath or for inspiration. ‘And how will you feel every time he goes home to wifie?'

Sin shrugged. ‘All I can say is that it doesn't bother me at the moment. We all know her, don't we? I believe Andrew when he says that he loves me but I quite understand that he doesn't want to hurt her. I'm not certain that I could cope with the whole marriage bit. It's too late. I'm too independent. This suits both of us.'

‘If you say so,' said Kit morosely. ‘I just don't want him using you, that's all.' She gave a faint scream as the door opened suddenly and Hal put his head round. ‘Don't
do
that, little brother.'