Holding On (12 page)

This is not what I should be thinking
about though. What I should be thinking is how to get out of this
room so that I don’t clog up an already messed up life with
additional drama, but this is Shame.  

“
Be with me.”  I just
blurted it, putting it out for him. I’m silently begging him to
know what to do with this.

In this moment I want to
capture every single hope and dream I ever had about Shame and I.
 He may hurt me and I may be broken tomorrow.  I know
this is possible, but tonight I’m willing to take that risk so that
every day going forward it isn’t a daydream to just think about, it
is the memory of Shame.  

He doesn’t need any further invitation
then what I just offered in those three words. Grabbing my neck
with one hand and pulling my waist into him, Shame devours my mouth
with such intensity I feel like I am actually daydreaming again.
 I feel his hands leave my body and in an instant the hem of
my shirt is yanked up and in my spirit of obey I lift my hands over
my head and he only breaks our kiss long enough to remove it.
 The smell of him once again invades me.  I can only see,
smell, and feel Shame in this moment and this time, heart be
damned, I won’t let him go.  

Chapter
Six
:

“
God knows I didn't mean to fall in love with
her”

--Ernest Hemingway

“
Tell me
yes, Mace.  I need to hear you say it.  Tell me you want
this and I will give you what you want, what
we
want.  You have
to tell me though, or I’m walking away because this changes us, it
changes everything.”

Shame’s voice is strained and I can
feel he is trying to maintain some control.  I don’t want to
keep him waiting or make him feel as though this isn’t what I want.
 I am confused this is true, but not about this.  I’ve
never been confused for my feelings for Shame and right here and
now, I know that this is where I am really meant to be.
 

“
Make me yours, Shame.
 Really, make me yours.  Do not hold back, don’t second
guess it, and just be with me now.  Please.  I’m here
with you because I want to be here.  Do not go gentle because
you are afraid to break me.  Just take me with you and let me
get lost in this.”

I hear and feel the growl as it comes
out of Shame and knowing that what I just said has undone him gives
me quivers in all the right places.  

“
Fuck, I want to be inside
you, Mace.  Say it again, tell me you want me.  I want to
hear it from you again and again. Tell me what you want me to do to
you, baby.”

He’s deliberate in his words but he’s
unmoving with his body.  I inch closer to him, he’s trying
hold that guard up, the one he always holds when the intimacy of
another person gets to be too much.  He’s never been good with
real emotions and Club whores don’t demand that, but I do.  So
I’ve decided that if I’m giving myself to Shame tonight for the
first time in our lives, knowing it will most likely be the last,
then I want every part of him in this.  Body, mind, heart, and
soul.  I’m taking it all, later my memory of this night will
ask for it.

“
Shame, fuck me.  I
want you, this, us.  For whatever it is, I want this now.
 No regrets.  Touch me, make me feel loved, safe and
protected.  I need you to do that.”

I can hear the pleading in
my voice and I sense his desire for me and as I look down to avoid
his silver blue eyes again I can
see
the evidence of my words.  I
love this feeling I have over him, even if just for
tonight.

He no longer hesitates.  He picks
me up around the waist and I wrap my legs around him.  One
hand is on my ass and the other hand has a firm grip on my back,
holding me to him as if I were going to slip away.
 

Staring into his eyes I see his
gentleness.  He’s looking into my mirrors again and the only
one he can recognize right in front of him is the woman who loves
him.  The baby, the child, the teenager, and the woman have
all become one now and he sees me for who I am.  I’m all those
things, through the progression of our lives together.  It
took us so long to get here together.  I feel complete for the
first time, and God it’s the truest feeling I have ever
felt.

He rolls his forehead to mine, my back
is now against the door and he still has me wrapped around his
waist.

“
God baby, I love your
face.”   My heart swells at that sentiment.  It’s
again his way of communicating how he feels about me, he doesn’t
say those words I want to hear but that’s alright. The words he
says belong to Shame and I.

I must have looked away during my
thread of thought because I hear him bark at me.  “No Mace,
look at me.  Eyes on me and do not look away.  I want to
watch you, to see your face beautiful girl, as I feel you from the
inside for the first time.  You are so beautiful.  You
overwhelm me.”   

He puts me down and while my feet hit
the floor he is raising both my hands over my head, effectively
pinning in place while one hand reaches in front of my chest to
unhook my bra and the other continuing to hold my hands up over my
head.  

His touch is rough, but not meant to
be.  He’s as eager for this as I am.  My bra comes loose
and my full breasts that are aching to be touched fall against his
chest.  He gives another feral growl before freeing my hands.
Watching him, I don’t even realize I’m just standing there.
 My arms dropped to my sides. I’m so caught up in him I don’t
register what I’m supposed to do next.

Removing my bra, he reaches
for the buttons on my jeans, smartly unbuttoning and dragging them
down by thighs.  He stops, just below my belly button as if
something has bitten him and takes in a deep breath.
 
Oh my.
 

“
Jesus Christ, I can even
smell you, woman.  You are all ready for me aren’t you, baby?
“All I can do is nod.  “Answer me.” he snaps.  “Words,
Mace let me hear that beautiful voice.”  

“
Y-Yes I’m ready.”
 

Quickly unzipping his
jeans, the buttons already undone and then lowering them just
enough, I see the head of his cock and Oh My Dear God.  I
pause.  It is not just the size that has scared the living
shit out of me and momentarily put a hold on my erotic thoughts, oh
no, it is the Goddamn
piercing
.  

Double Dammit.

I hear him give me a soft chuckle
against my neck while walking me backwards towards his bed
carefully pulling me along, I can sense him wondering if I’m going
to bolt.  I won’t of course, but we need to address this and
like right now.  

“
Baby, it won’t hurt.
 It will just enhance your pleasure.”  

Right, are you kidding me
right now?  But before I’m able to change my mind and run, his
body has blanketed mine on the bed.  I can feel him, every
delicious inch of him is now between my legs, he’s rubbing himself
on my thigh with his cock and I can
feel
the metal against me.

Jesus.

Usually during a couple’s first time,
there’s always that pregnant pause where one or the other may carry
a second thought or feel a bit embarrassed or shy.  Maybe they
ask for the lights off or a second to freshen up, things like that.
 Human nature, the need to please in exchange for love. But
not now, Shame and I have been together in my mind so many times
that I feel as though this isn’t really our first time.

“
Are you on the pill,
Sweetheart?”  Ok, thanks for the reality check.
 

“
Yes, Shame. He insisted
no kids, Greys…”

“
NO, he is not here.
 He does not exist between us anymore, do you understand?
 You’re mine; I’m making you mine right fucking now. This
night changes it all, Mace.  Do you understand what I’m saying
to you?  No more Greyson, no more dates, no more of
Any.Other.Man.For.You.  You’re mine after this.”
 

With that he thrusts into me.
 Oh. My. God.  I feel every part of him.  I close my
eyes to savor this moment; he gives me a minute to adjust before he
slowly starts to build his momentum into me.  Whispering words
in my ear about being his, waiting so long, loving my face,
touching my skin and what it is doing to him, and how long he has
waited.  I hear his voice, I can feel the emotion behind his
words and I know I’ve just given my heart to him.  Although it
has always been his, even as a child, I just signed over all
rights.  He has forever ruined me for any other.

“
Look at me, beautiful.
 Feel me taking you, holding you, and filling you?  Can
you feel this, Mace? Sweetheart I’m so sorry, I have wasted so much
time.  I waited for you to see me, really see me, my beautiful
Mace.  I thought if you came to me one day, then I would know
this was supposed to happen.  I’m not a patient man, but I
would have waited forever for this.  Jesus you feel so good.
Thank you, thank you for trusting me enough to give me
this.”

He stops his movement just enough to
lean down and run his tongue along my bottom lip.  I feel his
lip piercing brush against my mouth and as I run my tongue along it
making Shame pick up his movements again.

“
Fuck baby, you’re killing
me. I’m gonna fuck you now, you want that?  I want to hear you
say it. I’m going to fuck you hard and fast now, Mace.  You
are so tight, Jesus.  Let me give you a taste of what you are
doing to me.  Tell me you’re mine now and tell me you’re ready
for this.”

“
I want that.  I’m
yours.  Always yours.”   

He may not catch that meaning now, but
somewhere down the road he will refer back and know that I was
always his in some form or another.  He took me as a child and
let me into that heart of his, and now I’m asking for him to let me
keep it.  It’s a lot to ask from him, with that thought I can
feel tears start and one slides down my temple to my
hair.

Trying to stop the emotional roller
coaster I’m on and just enjoy the physical one, I grab his hair and
yank on it hard, sending a message that I want more.  He picks
up pace, touching me all over.  My hands feel his back and I
dig my nails into him as he closes me into orgasm number one.
 I am shaking.  He takes a hand and puts it between us
gliding it softly and gently over my clit.

“
Harder Shame, give me
more.”  

“
Jesus Christ woman.” His
voice is raspy and tight.

He slams into me harder, and the hand
that was softly rubbing my clit is now devouring it.  I begin
to feel the immediate build and then explode.  Seeing stars,
screaming out his name, I’m screaming it for him for the first
time, but I’ve screamed it in my head so many times before.
 

“
Not done yet baby, I need
more.  Give me another.”  

He reaches behind me to tilt my ass so
that I feel him deeper.  Jesus, I didn’t think this was
possible.  I feel the piercing hitting the spot in me, again
and again with every thrust, and then I break, mindless and
shattering all around him.

I bite the sensitive skin between his
neck and shoulder, not holding back.  I bite down hard.
 I am marking him as mine. Sensing what I have just done and
the reasons I have done it sends Shame over his edge and leaves him
with no control.  He stills in me and I know he’s allowing me
to milk him right now as I close my walls around him.  He
whispers my name in my ear, it feels like the slowest and most
seductive song I have ever heard, yet not a note was played.
 This is just what we do to each other.

We lay there, entwined together with
hands, legs, and neck.  He leans up on his elbows and blows on
my sweaty chest.  I shiver because of it and he laughs.
 I’m so comfortable here with him.  I have just made love
with my best friend, and I feel no different.  I’m sore, but
emotionally I am the same, just now I’m extremely satisfied.
 

God, I love this man.  Everything
with him is easy.  He accepts me for who I am, raving bitch,
meddler, over sensitive, and a crazyass, mad woman!

“
Shame, what’s your
favorite color?”  

He pulls his neck back so he’s looking
at me again and then chuckles a bit.  I feel it inside of me.
 

“
What the hell kind of
question is that?”

“
I just don’t know the
answer; I guess I never thought of asking.”

“
I like pink.”

Now I’m chuckling.  “Pink?
 I would have thought you more of a gray or black kind of
fella.”

“
I’m not going to touch
the fact you just said ‘fella’ right now, but if you must know my
reasons for pink then I will tell you.  I like pink because
it’s the color of your lips, I love your shiny pink lips.
 This, too. Pink.”  

He says as he grips my nipple in his
mouth and sucks it quick and hard then releases.

“
So, my favorite color is
now pink.  Any other questions about that?”

“
No.”

“
Didn’t think so.”
 He smirks at me now.

“
Can we talk about ice
cream?”  I ask him, wondering if he can see I’m stalling
because I’m not ready to let him go.  I’m so content just
laying here in his bed.  It feels so familiar.