Hollowmen (15 page)

29.

“Can I get by?” I asked. I tried to pretend like I hadn’t seen it, like I wasn’t suddenly terrified. I just smiled at him as sweetly as I could and rubbed the back of my neck.

“No.” He shook his head, still smiling, and stepped toward me. “No. You can’t.”

“What are you doing?” I asked, taking a step back from him. But my butt hit the bathroom counter behind me. I couldn’t go back any farther.

“Whatever I want.” He closed the bathroom door.

I lunged forward at him, meaning to kick him in the junk, but he caught me by the throat before I could. His hand squeezed tightly around my windpipe, and I couldn’t breathe. I clawed at it futilely, and he held the knife above me, pointing it at my face so I could see how sharp it was.

“Make one sound, I’ll gut those two little kids as soon as I’m finished with you,” Clark promised me with a sweet smile.

I thrashed my legs, and I connected with him once, kicking him in the shin. His hand tightened around my throat, and he ran the blade along my cheek.

“I’d rather filet you after,” Clark said. “But I can do it first, if you prefer. It’s your choice. Which do you pick?”

His grip loosened on my throat, enough where I could gasp for breath. And that’s all I did at first, try to catch my breath.

“You don’t have to do this,” I begged. “Please.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” he said, and his hand started tightening.

“After!” I said, but I didn’t even know what that meant. I just knew that prolonging being fileted was probably a good idea. “But Clark, listen, if you do anything stupid, Boden and Daniels will come after you.”

I would come after him, too, but I felt like me personally threatening him wouldn’t work as well as threatening him with Boden and Daniels. Clark already thought he could overpower me and take what he wanted, so nothing I said would sound like a threat, anyway.

“No, you listen to me, bitch,” Clark growled. His face was right above mine, and spittle landed on my face when he spoke. “If you don’t do exactly what I say, when I say, I will kill those two fucking brats the second I’m done with you. Do you understand me?”

I closed my eyes. “Yes. I understand.”

I didn’t think he would be able to hurt Max and Stella, not with Boden, Daniels, and Serg around. But then again, I never would’ve thought he’d be able to get me like this either. I’d once again underestimated man’s capacity for evil.

“Good.” He smiled wider.

Roughly, he flipped me around, slamming my face against the counter. Then he grabbed my ponytail and yanked my head back. As soon as he had my head up, the knife was pressed against my throat, the blade nearly piercing my skin.

“One wrong move, and I’ll slit your throat,” he whispered into my ear, his words soft and warm like we were lovers.

I could see him in the mirror, the look of sick satisfaction he had on his face. He let go of my pony tail so he could use that hand to pull down my pants and underwear. He jerked me back every time he tugged on my jeans, digging the blade deeper into my neck.

When he finally got my pants down, he licked his lips. I closed my eyes then, squeezing them shut, and I felt his hand roughly grabbing my bare skin.

“Remy?” Daniels called from the main room.

My eyes shot open, and I saw Clark frozen in the mirror. I didn’t say anything, and neither did Clark. I didn’t want Daniels to be dragged into this mess, but at the same time, I also really didn’t want to be raped.

“Remy?” Daniels repeated. “Are you okay?” He knocked on the bathroom door. “Are you in there?”

“Yeah,” I said, and Clark pinched my ass in punishment. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Are you okay?” Daniels asked. “Is everything okay with your incision?”

And then, since he’d seen me naked before and was afraid I wouldn’t tell him if something was wrong, he opened the door.

Clark jerked back, sliding the knife across my throat. It was enough to break the skin, but not enough to puncture my jugular or windpipe. So it hurt, but I’d live.

“What the fuck?” Daniels yelled, immediately appraising the situation.

He rushed at Clark, slamming him into the wall. I yanked up my pants in time to see Daniels get in one good punch, hitting Clark in the face. But that was all he got before Clark stabbed him in the stomach.

“Not so fucking tough now, are you?” Clark asked as he twisted the knife inside him.

“
No
!” I shouted.

He pulled the knife out of Daniels, who fell back on the floor, holding his stomach. I wanted to kill Clark and rip his head off, but I couldn’t just rush at him while he had a knife, not unless I wanted to end up like Daniels.

By then, Boden had come into my room, responding to the commotion.

“Clark has a knife, and he stabbed Daniels!” I yelled at him.

“You stupid bitch.” Clark shook his head, and then he turned and ran out of the bathroom. He thrust the knife at Boden, attempting to cut him, but he only succeeded in knocking Boden down. Afraid of a man to man fight, Clark raced out of the room, but Boden got up and chased after him.

“Daniels!” I fell to my knees next to him, and I put my hands over his stomach, trying to keep the blood in, but it pumped hot and fast through my fingers. “Oh my god, Daniels, what should I do?”

“You’re doing it,” he said, his voice tight “Just put pressure on it, and stay with me.”

“But how do I fix this?” I asked. “How do I stop this?”

“You don’t.” He winced, then he put his hand over mine, holding it. “Listen, Remy, I’m sorry about what I did to you and what happened to your brother.”

“You don’t need to be sorry.” I shook my head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I understand why you did it. You did the best you could.”

“I didn’t,” he insisted. “I shouldn’t have let them cut you up like that. You’re a person, a strong, brave person, and they had no right to treat you like that.”

“It doesn’t matter, Daniels. It’s over, and I’m okay. I just need to know what to do to take care of you.”

“You can’t.” He had tears in his eyes, and he smiled. “I’m losing so much blood. But it’s okay.”

“How is this okay?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” He laughed and swallowed back tears. “I’m fucking dying, and it’s not okay. But shit happens, you get over it, and you move on.”

“Daniels, please.” By now, tears were streaming down my cheeks. “I don’t want you to die.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Why’d you have go and be a hero?” I asked. “You didn’t need to do that. You didn’t need to protect me.”

“I did,” Daniels said gravely. “You’ve saved my life, and I owe you so much. I couldn’t let another person hurt you. Not anymore.”

“Daniels.” I let out a sob. “What do you want me to do?”

“Just stay with me,” he said. “It shouldn’t be much longer.”

And it wasn’t. He squeezed my hand and held onto me for as long as he could. Then he closed his eyes, and his grip loosened on mine.

“Daniels,” I said. “Daniels?” But he didn’t move. “
Daniels
!”

And then I lost it. I fell back, leaning against the wall behind me, and I held my hands out in front of me. They were covered in his blood, still warm on my skin, and they trembled.

I screamed. I don’t know why exactly, but there was nothing else I could do. Crying wasn’t enough. There was so much anger and frustration and hurt and I just couldn’t get it out, and I couldn’t live with it inside me.

I didn’t know if I could even live with what had happened to Daniels. That shouldn’t have happened. Not like that. Not after everything he’d done and tried to do for me. He shouldn’t have been killed by a person, by someone I let join us. And he never should’ve died protecting me.

“Fuck!” I shouted and hit myself in the thigh. “Dammit!”

“Remy?” Boden was back, and he came into the bathroom, kneeling down beside me. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s dead!” I yelled. “He’s dead, and it’s my fault!”

“No, Remy, it’s not.” Boden put his arm around me and started pulling me out of the bathroom, away from Daniels’ body.

“It is. Everything’s my fault.” I was sobbing, and I couldn’t stop.

I could barely even walk. Boden practically had to carry me over to the bed. I sat down at the edge, and he crouched in front of me, looking up at me. I cried so hard my whole body was shaking, and it hurt everything inside me.

Serg came to check on us, but Boden sent him back to stay with Max and Stella.

When I finally calmed down enough that I could speak, I was still trembling horribly, and I wanted to throw up. Boden went into the bathroom and soaked a towel in water, then came out and washed the blood off my hands and arms.

“Did you get Clark?” I asked, sniffling.

“Sorta,” Boden said. “A zombie got him. Tore him up good. Then Ripley got the zombie. So Clark’s dead, and we’re safe.”

“Good.”

“What happened?” Boden asked. I shook my head. “Was…” He paused. “Did Clark to try to do something … to you?”

“Yeah,” I said thickly.

“Did he …” Boden swallowed, choosing his words carefully. “Did Clark … succeed?”

I shook my head, just once. “No. Daniels came in, and then …”

“And then Clark got him,” Boden finished for me.

“Yeah.”

“That’s not your fault, Remy.” He’d set aside the towel, and he took my hands in his, staring up at me, but I just stared off in space.

“It feels like my fault.” I took a deep breath. “Everything feels like my fault.”

“But it’s not.”

I looked down at my lap, struggling to keep fresh tears back. The cut on my neck stung, but I barely noticed it. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore, Boden.”

“Do what?” Boden asked.

“Live.” I shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just … it’s so
hard
, and it doesn’t get better. Every day is more exhausting than the last, and this horrible, senseless shit keeps happening. I can’t…”

“You can,” Boden insisted. “You can and you will. This is just a really, really bad day. But you’re stronger and better than this. You can overcome anything.”

“Why, though?” I asked. I stared into his gray eyes with tears swimming in my own. “What’s the point of fighting so hard to stay alive if this is what life is?”

“Because.” He looked up at me, and then he stood up.

He leaned forward, and he pressed his lips to mine, kissing me gently. Then he stopped, but he kept his face close to mine as he searched my face.

“Why’d you kiss me?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I wanted to make you feel better.”

I thought about it, and I hadn’t heard a better reason to do anything in a long time, so I told him, “Do it again.”

He kissed me, deeper this time, and pushed me back on the bed. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him to me.

30.

We lay on the bed, him on top of me, kissing for a long while after that. There was something almost subdued in the way we kissed and the way he touched me. I’d gotten used to everything being so frantic, immediate, and insistent.

But this was something much different. It was as if we were savoring the moments, trying to make them last, enjoying one of the few things left in this life that we could enjoy.

I tried not to think of anything except the way his lips felt on mine, the strength of his hand on my side, the weight and warmth of his body against me.

Then as abruptly as we’d started, we stopped.

Boden propped himself up on one arm, staring down at me, and he brushed the hair back from my face.

“Are you feeling any better?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

The rage I’d felt earlier had dissipated. But the emptiness and ache lingered. By now I knew that it would never really go away. The longer I lived, the more I’d lose. Eventually, I’d have a giant hole inside me, and nothing else.

“Where’d you go?” Boden asked.

I blinked and looked up at him. “What?”

“Just now.” He smiled crookedly. “You disappeared.”

“I was just thinking.” I tried to smile back at him, but it felt weak.

“Do you want to go over and see Serg and the kids?”

I shook my head. “Not yet. A few more minutes, okay?”

“Okay.”

He lay down next to me on his side, and I slid closer to him, resting my head on the crook of his arm. We stayed like that for a few minutes, probably longer than we should’ve given how frantic Max and Stella probably were.

But I wasn’t ready to go over there. Something about seeing them, telling Max and Stella that Daniels wasn’t coming back … that made it feel all too real. I just wanted stay here, in this weird cocoon with Boden, and pretend that nothing outside this room existed.

Eventually, we did get up. Boden pulled the thin comforter off the bed and went into the bathroom. I stood just outside and watched as he covered up Daniels. That was the closest we could get to burying him.

We’re gathered our stuff before we left the room, and then Boden locked the door behind us. That would hopefully keep the zombies out, and Daniels would maybe get some peace in his death.

That’s what we had to do. Leave our dead lying around and move on.

Max ran over and hugged me as soon we went into the next room. He’d been positive that something horrible had happened to me, despite Serg’s assurances to the contrary.

Almost as soon as I walked in the door, Stella began asking about Daniels. She’d gotten rather close to him over the past few days. I sat down next to her and explained as gently as I could that he wasn’t coming back.

She knew what that meant, though. She’d already lost enough people and understood what death was far better than any six-year-old should have to understand.

We went to bed after that. I still felt too sick to eat, and the kids had already had supper. I shared a double bed with Stella and Max, and Stella snuggled up close to me. She cried softly as she fell asleep, and I stroked her hair.

Max was having trouble falling asleep, too, so he asked me to sing him a lullaby. When we’d first started out on our own, right after zombies had killed our parents and the virus was still new, I used to sing to him every night.

I didn’t know any lullabies, but Max didn’t know that. The only song I could come up with that I knew all the lyrics for “Blackbird” by the Beatles. So, as the kids drifted off to sleep, I softly sang to them about broken wings and being free.

The morning came, and we packed our things and left.

The days that followed felt unremarkable. We walked from sun up until sundown, barely out-running the death groans following us.

Boden and Serg took turns carrying Stella when she got too tired to walk. I tried to, but Boden refused to let me. Daniels said I shouldn’t be lifting anything until my incision had healed completely.

The one good thing about losing so many people in our group was that our food rations suddenly didn’t seem so low. We were going to be set for a while, but not forever.  

When we went to bed one night, camping out in the back of an abandoned Dodge Ram, I realized we hadn’t heard a single death groan all day. Just to be safe, we walked on another day, and another day after that, and we still didn’t hear anything.

Midafternoon on the fourth day without any death groans, we found a house on a lake. It was more than a house, though. It was glorious. The living room had a fireplace, and the back wall was the height of the house and made of glass, so you got the full view of the lake.

All the furniture was covered with sheets, carefully protected. This was somebody’s vacation home, and they’d left one fall and never came back.  Based on all the dust that had built up and the musty smell, I’d guessed it had been a while ago. But that made sense. Once your neighbors started eating your flesh, a vacation didn’t sound like as much fun.

There were four bedrooms upstairs, and the master bedroom had a fireplace. One of the bedrooms was done all in purples and pinks, with flowers everywhere. The small twin bed even had a new fluffy teddy bear sitting on it.

The other two bedrooms were more basic. One was really beige, and the other was forest green with duck trim around the edge.

But the most exciting part wasn’t the view, the bedrooms, or even the multiple fireplaces. It was the game room in the basement. Not only did it have a pool table and a poker table, which were fun enough themselves, but it had a gun cabinet, with seven different shot guns and many boxes of shells below. They even had a crossbrow, and several fishing rods.

We’d be able to hunt and defend ourselves against attacks.

We were somewhere in Canada, and although I wasn’t sure how deep we were, it was cold enough that the grass was still mostly covered in snow.

Ripley had followed us all the way up here, and I let her into the garage. Boden seemed a little leery of idea of letting a lion run loose in the house, but it was too cold to leave her outside. She loved swimming, and I knew she’d love the lake out back when it warmed up.

Max and Stella were running up and down the stairs, playing some kind of game I didn’t understand, but it involved a lot of laughing and squealing. Serg had discovered a wine rack off the side of the kitchen, and he went through it, trying to pick out a nice one to go with our dinner.

I’d pulled the covers off the couches in the living room, revealing soft leather furniture. The sun was setting on the lake behind the house, so I stood in front of the window, admiring it.

“What do you think?” Boden asked, walking over to me.

“This is it.” I turned to face him. “This is what we’ve been looking for.”

“I know.” He nodded, but he had a look of apprehension. “It almost seems too good to be true, doesn’t it?”

“I don’t care.” I looked away from him to stare back over the lake. “This is it. And I’m not letting anybody or anything take this place from us.”