Home Again (8 page)

John made a rude noise from the backseat, and I turned around, giving him a sharp look.

“Oh… did you forget about our date?” Easton asked, taken aback.

“No, my parents’ just like to force feed me on occasion.” I laughed.
Liar.

“Well, if you’re not hungry we can just get to the show early and grab a good seat. They have this great hot dog stand set up for the summer. I can just eat there.”

“Sounds great.” John kicked the back of my seat, and I made sure to ignore him. He wasn’t allowed to say a word, so I wouldn’t worry about what he thought.

There were about twenty other people already there, complete with lawn chairs or blankets. East grabbed two big blankets from the trunk. He tossed one to John, who mumbled thank you, and kept ahold of the second one.

“Where do you want to sit, babe?” East put his hand on the small of my back, leading me through the small crowd of people.

“How about we sit in our spot?”

“I didn’t think you’d remember,” he said, shocked.

“East, we’ve been going to these shows for eight years. There’s no way I could forget.” I gave him a knowing look. Even if it were only one day, I wouldn’t forget
any
time I spent next to Easton.

We walked up the hillside, to the same spot, under the same tree we sat every time we came to a summer movie. Sometimes, it was the three of us. Sometimes, just East and me. Every now and then, when we were in a fight, I’d come alone—but no matter what, I always sat here.

He laid out the blanket. “Here, I’m gonna go grab a hotdog. Want anything? Popcorn? Candy?”

“No thanks, I’m okay.”

“What the hell are you doing, kid?” John said, once Easton was out of earshot.

“Nothing.”

“Why are you lying to him?”

“It’s none of your business, John.”

“Maybe not, but Aisley, what you’re doing isn’t right. You’re going to end up—”

“Thanks for the lecture,
dad
,” I replied sarcastically. “But I think I’ll be fine. It’s just one dinner.”

John sighed.

“Just remember, you’re legally bound to keep your mouth shut.”

“How could I forget?”

I cringed at the way he said it, knowing that what he was saying was true. I shouldn’t lie to East, but I also shouldn’t be restricting my diet either.

When East came back with his hotdog, I was suddenly aware of how hungry I was. On tour, it was easy to skip meals. I was so busy, half the time I didn’t even think about it, but now that I wasn’t always moving, I was painfully aware of my empty stomach, filled only with those relentless little butterflies.

“Want a bite?”

“Eww, no. Did you put a pound of ketchup on that? Gross!”

“It’s good, Carter. You should try it.”

“No way. You know how I feel about that poison.”

He chuckled. “Oh yeah. I forgot how weird you are,” he said between bites. “You know, you don’t eat very much.”

“I eat,” I said quickly. “Besides, you know I hate ketchup.”

He gave me a sideways look, but didn’t say anything else.

“I used to love coming to these things,” I said after a minute.

“Yeah, we had a lot of fun here.”

I blushed, thinking back to the first time East and I came here as an official couple.

“What are you thinking about, Carter?”

“Just about how weird it is, calling you my boyfriend.”

He laughed. “It sounds good to me, beautiful.”

My face flushed, the butterflies took flight. “I—” Whatever I was about to say was cut off by Easton’s perfect lips on mine, kissing the words right out of my mouth.

“You make me really happy, Ais.”

“You took the words right out of my mouth, green eyes.” If only he knew how true that was.

If he were love, I would never let him go.

“What are you thinking about, Carter?” he asked, taking the last bite of his hotdog.

I smiled, feeling déjà vu. “Just about when we came here sophomore year.”

“Which time?”

I shoved his shoulder playfully. “The first one after we started dating.”

“Oh, yeah. That was one of my favorite movies.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “You’re such punk. You didn’t watch one scene of that movie. Can you even tell me what it was?” I laughed.

“Honey, if you expected a sixteen year old boy to pay attention to anything else—when he’s with the most beautiful girl on this planet—you’re expecting way too much.”

Blushing, I gave him a half smile. “To be honest, I didn’t watch it, either.”

“I know, babe. It’s hard to watch a movie when someone as handsome as this, has his tongue down your throat.”

“You’re such a nerd. A cocky one, too.”

“Not cocky, just very confident in my abilities.”

“Riiight.” I shook my head at him. “You were an inexperienced sixteen year old, East. I wouldn’t get too confident,” I joked.

He feigned hurt. “Does that mean I wasn’t any good?”

I shrugged nonchalantly. “Who was a good kisser at sixteen?”

He gasped and rolled on top of me. “You’re such a brat, Aisley Carter.”

I wiggled beneath him, holding in a laugh.

“I guess if I were so bad at sixteen, we need a do-over.” He brought his lips down to mine, just barely touching. Teasing me in the worst way. But instead of kissing me, he brought his hands to my sides and started to mercilessly tickle me.

“East, stop! Stop!”

When East decided I’d had enough, he rolled over beside me and laced my fingers through his. “I’m glad you’re home, Carter.”

“You took the words right out of my mouth, green eyes.”

***

Chapter 8

I hated that I was forced to be here. Somehow, Devin found out about group therapy, and actually thought it would be good for me.

Cue desperate laughter.

So here I was.

And if ever there were a place worse than home, this was it. In this scuzzy Seattle building, with its dirty white walls and ugly blue carpet. There was nothing comforting about this place. I was seated in a room with four other girls and the counselor, whose name was Jamie. Our chairs were laid out in a circle, and I found my eyes darting from person to person, trying to figure each one of them out. Dr. Tinsley told me they all had problems like mine, but looking around the room, I couldn’t find one similarity. These were all people who either didn’t eat, or ate too much, then purged. These people didn’t have a logical reason for it. They
had
eating disorders.
I
had to keep my weight low for my job. We were just living in two different worlds. Why was I the only one who saw it?

“I want you to all take your notebooks out, and write down something for me,” Jamie said.

I looked at the other four girls, who were staring intently at Jamie, waiting for further instruction. This was stupid. Why was I here again?

Oh, right. Because I needed to do everything I could to get my job back.

Just play along, Ais, and you’ll be back to making music.

“Write down one thing you like about yourself, and one thing that makes you feel insecure about yourself.”

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I started writing.

I like that I can play the guitar.

Okay, so maybe that was a dumb thing to like about myself.

Cameras make me feel insecure.

They captured everything. Then they magnified your flaws, and I had many of those.

Like my weight.

I’m not fat, I’m healthy.
I wanted to throw this stupid notebook in the trash and never look at it again. And I wanted to forget those five words that were somehow ingrained in my memory.

I wanted a lot of things, but mostly I just wanted to feel okay again.

Instantly, I felt claustrophobic. I had to get out of here. I shut the notebook, and stood up quickly. All heads turned. So much for a subtle exit. I met Jamie’s eyes for a split second, before walking straight out the door without a look back.

Group therapy? Yeah, no thanks.

***

Monday mornings officially sucked.

“Tell me about your week, Ms. Carter,” Dr. Tinsley said, notebook in hand.

“Pretty uneventful,” I lied.

“Did you catch up with any old friends?”

I shrugged. What did my social life have to do with anything? “Yeah, a few.”

“Tell me about it.”

My face instantly flushed, thinking about Easton. “I’d rather not.”

“I see.” She jotted something in her notebook.

“I just like my privacy, that’s all.”

“I understand, but you do know that everything you say to me is completely confidential, right?”

“That’s never stopped anyone before,” I muttered.

“It’s hard to trust people, Ms. Carter. Especially for someone in your position.”

“Yeah.”

“But, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, Doc, but I don’t think today’s going to be that day.” I smirked. “Time up?”

She looked at her watch again. “Ms. Carter, you know you’re always free to go. I do have to warn you that you’ve only been in here ten minutes.”

Ten minutes too long. “Sorry.”

“If you don’t want to talk about your friends. How about we talk about the group session you attended?”

I groaned. “You know about that?”

“Jamie called me. She said you didn’t stay long.”

“It was stupid.”

“Why would you say that?”

I shrugged, not wanting to explain myself. Anything I said she would just find a way to use against me.

“Okay, I guess you don’t want to talk about that either.” She looked agitated. I wondered if she was getting as tired of our sessions as I was.

“Tell me about how you did this week, meal-wise?”

My jaw tightened.

“Did you miss any?”

“No,” I lied easily.

She wasn’t fooled, though. The look on her face told me that. “How does that make you feel?”

I thought psychologists only said that line in movies. “I feel fine.”

“It’s okay if you don’t.”

“Good to know,” I shot sarcastically.

Dr. Tinsley pursed her lips. “How much do you weigh?”

My eyes darted to hers in surprise. “Excuse me?”

“How much do you weigh?”

“I don’t know. I don’t weigh myself.”

“Ever?”

“Well, sometimes.”

“When was the last time, Ms. Carter?”

What was I, transparent? Or had she just mastered the art of mind reading? “This morning,” I said honestly.

“What did the scale say?”

That I’m fat. No. I’m not fat, I’m healthy.
“115.”

“Are you happy with that?”

No.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because sometimes we are harder on ourselves, than anyone else is.”

“I’m not that hard on myself,” I lied again. “115
is
healthy.”

I’m not fat, I’m healthy…

“I know that, but do
you
believe it?”

Standing abruptly, I checked my watch. “I have to go.”

“We were just starting to make some progress. You’re supposed to be back on tour in six weeks, and if you’re going to do that, you need to start staying for entire session each week.”

“Next week, for sure.” I gritted my teeth. I’d rather shoot myself than sit here for another minute.

“See you then.”

With a quick smile, I was out the door, to anywhere else but here…

***

“Are we going to talk about your birthday, Becks?” I laughed, plopping down on her queen sized bed.

She groaned. “How many times do I have to apologize?”

“Let’s see, how many views did that video get, John?” I looked over at John, who only grunted, never lifting his gaze from his cell phone.

“You should be thanking my ass, Ais. I told you you’d be playing again in no time, didn’t I?” She gave me a smart look. “So there.”

“Yeah, thanks for the gentle push,” I joked. “What do you want to do today?” I came straight here from my appointment, wanting something to distract me from the growing pit in my stomach. From my ridiculous insecurities.

She shrugged. “I have to work at five.”

“Why don’t we take advantage of the heat?”

“What do you have in mind?” Her eyes twinkled.

“The lake,” we both said at the same time with a laugh.

“Is it okay if I call up East?” she asked.

“I guess I haven’t told you… we’re kind of, um…” I trailed off, not knowing how to label us.

“You’re sleeping with him?” She gasped.

A blush spread. “Becks!”

“Sorry. I just don’t believe it! He didn’t say anything yesterday at work.”

He didn’t? Maybe I was making too much of this thing we had. I tried to shrug it off. “It’s not a big deal, Becks. We’re just having some fun until I leave.”

“Oh, no. That is a bad idea, Aisley.” She shook her head disapprovingly.

“No, it’s not.”

“You’re going to get your heart broken and so is East. This will never end well, and you know that.”

So what if I knew that? I was going to enjoy every second I spend with East, whether Becks approved or not.

“Just call him up and let’s go, before I melt in this heat!” I said, choosing to ignore the thing she said about broken hearts.

“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t tell you so.”

I wouldn’t. Because East and I could
so
do casual. And in six weeks, we’d say goodbye, stay friends, and I told myself it wouldn’t hurt like last time.

If only I could admit to myself that I was lying…

***

Chapter 9

The next three weeks went by like a swift wind. I felt every second of it, but it was gone faster than I expected. That’s what being around Easton did to me. He had the ability to make time stand still and move at lightning speed at the exact same time.