Homecoming Day (16 page)

He loved Laura.

There it was. He loved her and he'd finally healed enough to admit it.

Seth could only hope Laura would heal, too.

He looked at his parents, who'd waited for him without complaint and knew he'd find the strength to wait for her. How could he not, with such good examples?

 

T
HERE WAS SOMETHING DIFFERENT
about Seth.

Laura could see it in his face on Sunday when he came to the door. She opened it and found him setting the shovel against the house.

He glanced up at her and grinned. “It's snowing like crazy.”

She could have scolded, could have insisted that she knew how to shovel, but she knew Seth wouldn't listen any more than the guys in Jay's group. She hadn't shoveled once this season. “Thanks.”

Seth had called, although he hadn't stopped by since they'd made love. Not that she'd been sitting alone in the house. Two of her colleagues from school had visited. JT had come by to work on a research paper for English. The Martins stopped in to see Jamie. But, despite all the commotion, the house had seemed quiet without Seth. She realized he was still standing on the porch. “Come on in.”

He did as if nothing had happened. As if nothing had changed. He hung his coat on the same hook he always did. He leaned down and kissed her cheek. His lips felt cold against her skin, and it had nothing to do with the cold temperature outside.

“Can I get you something to drink?” she asked, feeling unsure. A few nights ago he'd made love to her, then told her they needed to cool down their relationship until she'd healed. Now he was here…

“No, but thanks. This is a quick visit. I'm on my way to the station. I said I'd do a few hours overtime before my actual shift starts.”

She led him into the living room and she sat on the couch. She noticed he sat in the chair across from her.

“Laura?”

“I have something to ask you,” she blurted out before she could talk herself out of it.

“Sure.”

“I talked to our minister this morning after church. I'm planning Jamie's baptism and wondered if you'd consider being his godfather? I mean, I know you want to…” She searched for the right description. “Cool things off between us, but I also know you care about Jamie. And I can't think of anyone I'd rather have as his godfather than you.”

He didn't hesitate at all, but answered immediately, “I'd be honored.”

“Thank you.” It felt so formal between them. Laura missed their easy intimacy. “I think it's going to be on St. Patrick's Day. Jay's favorite day of the year was St. Patrick's Day. He's still got a couple great-aunts over in Ireland.”

“What about his parents?”

“No, they don't live in Ireland,” she teased, hoping to avoid talking about the Martins.

Seth gave her a look that said he saw through her attempt at humor.

“I'm sure they'll be at the baptism,” she tried.

“That's not what I meant and you know it.”

“We're getting along fine. They were here yesterday to see Jamie.”

“Have you talked to them? Really talked?”

“Have you talked to your parents? Really talked?” she countered.

“Yes,” he said, quietly. “It was hard, but I apologized. My mom… I hurt her so much. It was easier to be angry at my parents than face where my anger was really coming from. I was mad at myself. I was so mad,
Laura, and there was nowhere to funnel that anger, so my loving parents were perfect targets.”

“We had this conversation. We seem to keep circling around to the fact that you think I'm upset at Jay for dying, for leaving me alone with our son, and since I can't be mad at a dead man—” she flinched at the words “—I've decided to be mad at his parents, but I don't buy that. I didn't decide to be mad at them. You didn't hear the way his mother spoke to me at the hospital.”

“I don't think you decided to be mad at them—the head has nothing to do with feelings, does it?”

“I'm drawing up a will and naming the Martins as Jamie's legal guardians in case anything happens to me. How mad can I be if I'm entrusting them with my son?”

“Laura, I don't want to fight about this. I just dropped in to check on you and Jamie. I thought I should stay away, but as you can see, I only managed a couple days. I miss you—it's as simple and complex as that. And I'm honored to be Jamie's godfather.”

“You miss me, but you're still going to give me some distance until you've declared me healed.”

“No.”

“Yes,” she argued. “You took years after Allie died, and I've had months. And just like that, because Seth Keller's declared it so, I'm supposed to say, ‘Yes, my baggage is gone.'”

“Laura, you're not being fair. I don't want to hurry you into something you can't handle yet.”

“No, you want whatever this is between us to be on your terms.”

“Not my terms. I simply love you enough to wait. You're right, you need more time. I'm going to be your friend and give you all the time you need.”

“You what?”

Rather than repeating himself, he said, “Listen, I'd better be going.” Seth leaned down and gave her the most platonic of kisses on her forehead. Laura knew that he thought he was being noble, pulling away from her, but it didn't feel noble to her. It felt cowardly.

Well, she wasn't about to sit back and have Seth proclaim when she was up for more than friendship. So she took his police uniform's collar in her hands, ignoring the bite of his lapel pins, and pulled his face to hers. Then she kissed him. Kissed him with all her pent-up feelings.

Kissed him as if she might never stop kissing him.

She wasn't sure how long she'd have continued, but Jamie's cry sounded loud and clear, and brought her back to the present. “I have to see to him.”

“And I need to leave.” He hurried out of the house without saying anything else.

“Fine. That's fine,” she muttered as she strode to Jamie's room, a million emotions churning inside her head.

Anger. Desire. Sorrow. Loss. And a sense of discovery with Seth.

Jamie stopped crying when she entered his room and her turmoil subsided. “Hey, baby.”

As she lifted him out of his crib he gurgled happily.

She took him to the rocker and cradled him as she nursed him.

He was two months old, she realized as she stroked his soft cheek. Even in the midst of one thing after another for so long, here was her peace.

Holding Jamie.

Albeit her feelings for Seth weren't peaceful. He made her feel happy, secure, confused, guilty.

Maybe he was right. Maybe she needed to deal with her guilt.

She loved Jay. Some part of her always would.

As she rocked their son, she struggled to picture the life she thought they'd have.

She wiped her eyes, just then realizing she was crying. Jamie fussed as she brushed away her tears, and put him to her other breast.

She tried to stop crying, but couldn't.

Somehow she had to let go of the might-have-beens. She had to let go of the future she'd thought they'd have—a future filled with milestones, like their wedding and Jamie's birth, as well as ordinary, everyday days.

She let those images roll through her imagination. One last goodbye to a future that might have been. A future that ended when Jay had died.

Now, she was left to start a new life, to build a new future. And she knew where she had to start. Still, she waffled, knowing what she should do, but not wanting to. And in the midst of that waffling she felt a new surge of annoyance directed at Seth. He was right, and she wasn't happy he was right.

In the end, she called the Martins the next morning and asked if she could stop in. She held her breath as she waited for the answer, hoping that Mrs. Martin had
plans that would give her a reprieve, but she wasn't that lucky.

An hour later, she was with them. It was still bitterly cold, so Jamie was in his thick snowsuit and hat, and she'd put a blanket over him. She was thinking that she'd managed to juggle the baby and the diaper bag like an old pro when Mrs. Martin welcomed them into her home.

“Laura, come in. Is that my grandson buried there?” she teased.

“Would you like to unwrap him while I take my things off?”

“I will never turn down an opportunity to hold my grandson.” She took the baby and began peeling off the covers and then the snowsuit.

“Hey, Jamie,” Mrs. Martin crooned. Her joy was present in her smile, in her every gesture.

Laura felt tears well in her eyes.

Mrs. Martin looked up. “Laura, honey? Is something wrong?”

“No. Not really.”

Mrs. Martin carried Jamie and hustled Laura into the living room.

Laura studied all of Jay's pictures. Jay at three months, his high school graduation, and at his swearing in ceremony at City Hall. She lingered at the baby picture. “Jamie looks like Jay.”

“He does. I was going to ask if you'd mind my having his picture taken at three months, too. I'd like to keep up the tradition.”

“That would be nice.” There was a picture of her on the wall, too. Mr. Martin had taken it the day they
announced their engagement. She was laughing as she flashed her ring finger in front of the camera.

They'd kept her picture up.

She'd been here with Jamie several times, but she'd never noticed that. There was also a picture of her holding Jamie, and one of the Martins holding him, as well.

“Laura, honey, tell me.”

She turned to the woman holding Jamie. Her concern was evident.

“I asked my minister yesterday about Jamie's baptism. We'll do it next month on St. Patrick's Day.”

Mrs. Martin smiled. “Jay's favorite holiday of the year. Do you remember the year he dyed his hair green?”

Laura nodded. “His buddy said it would wash right out. But not so much.”

“His hair had a green cast to it for weeks.” She paused and said, “I can remember that now and laugh. That's a big step.”

It was. “I've been writing down stories about Jay for Jamie. Remembering those good times is easier for me, too.”

“I have Jay's baptismal gown, if you'd like that for Jamie.”

“That would be wonderful. I started to think about that, about things like godparents, and who I wanted to be there for Jamie, I realized I needed to name guardians for him. Mrs. Martin, I can't think of any better guardians for my son if something happened to me than you and Mr. Martin, if you're willing.”

“Laura, I'm sure nothing's going to happen—”

Laura cut her off. “No, you're not sure. No one's sure. We didn't think Jay would…” She stopped.

“Die.” Mrs. Martin snuggled the baby closer. “You can say it.
I
can say it now. I know that at the time, I went a little crazy and I'm so sorry.”

“Mrs. Martin, I understand that better now. Not that I didn't feel the pain when he was sick, I did. I loved him. Jay was my everything.”

“About the hospital, Laura. Now that you have Jamie, maybe you understand now. I don't know that you loved Jay any more than we did, but I know in my heart you didn't love him any less.”

“Mrs. Martin, I came to apologize to you. I—”

Jay's mother held up a hand. “You have nothing to apologize for, Laura. You loved my son and made him happy, and you've given me a beautiful grandson. But I need to apologize. I understand the decision you wanted me to make in the hospital. I let you down, I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for the words I said in the midst of my pain. Things I never meant.”

Laura didn't know what to say. Her anger was gone and she wasn't sure what to put in its place.

“I like to think that Jay knew I could never make the decision to turn off the ventilator and that's why he left, despite my attempts to keep him,” Mrs. Martin said softly. “It was always the same, I was forever wanting to hold on to him a little longer than I should have. That was the thing about my son—he was always willing to help those he loved do what was best, even when they fought against it.”

“Mrs. Martin, I don't know what I'd do if it was Jamie. It was a horrible decision to have to make and
you did the best you could. I understand that now. Then, I was so angry. Angry at Jay for leaving me. Angry that our plans for our life would never come to fruition. Angry I was left to raise our son alone. Angry Jay would never hold his baby…” She couldn't go on. She burst into tears. “I think I needed that anger to sustain me through the pregnancy and the birth. I couldn't be mad at Jay, so that left you. You and Mr. Martin.”

Mrs. Martin was crying as hard as Laura was. “Laura, no matter what I've said, you are my daughter because I've loved you since Jay brought you into our lives. We'd like to be your family, if you'll have us.”

Laura was crying so hard that she couldn't answer. She simply hugged Mrs. Martin, sandwiching Jamie between them. Both women sobbed and held each other for a very long time. And when Laura found her voice again, she whispered the words she'd planned on saying after her wedding, “Thank you…Mom.”

Which led to renewed tears. This time they weren't tears of grief or regret. They were the tears of joy. Of family finding family.

She thought of the Kellers and realized this was a homecoming, too.

A while later, after they'd both composed themselves, Mrs. Martin spoke. “Laura, I know our relationship is different than it was. I know we're going to have to find our footing. And I don't want to risk that by speaking out of turn.”

“I think we both have reached a place where we can say what needs to be said.”

“Then please take this in the spirit in which it is meant,” Mrs. Martin said. “It's about Seth.”

“He's a friend, ma'am.” Laura knew the words were a lie even as she said them.