Hopes (9 page)

When she touched him and let her hands be guided by her instincts, feeling her fingertips pulsing and tingling as she moved them gently over his body, his eyes would half close and his head sink down. He would often sway slightly as he relaxed and sigh. She wasn’t sure it helped him though.

I like it
, he told her one night when she asked. He was lying down and she was curled up beside him.
It does help. Everything you have been doing helps.

But I don’t just want to help. I want to make you well again,
she told him.
Are you getting better?

He breathed softly on her hands.
No.

Ellie bit her lip.
What can I do? How can I heal you?

He sent her a wave of comfort.
Some things can’t be healed. Some battles can’t be won.

But Ellie refused to accept that.
This one can, Spirit! It can. I’m not going to give up. I’m going to make you better.

He simply looked at her, his dark eyes wise.

Ellie refused to be put off. Even though she could feel the weariness inside him, she could tell that he was happy in his life. She knew he liked being with her in the stable or walking down the lane. And he was content when he was out in the field, nuzzling the other horses, enjoying their company, or standing watching the little filly who was still just called “the foal.”

With her thoughts so full of Spirit, Ellie was able to almost forget about Joe going to Canada. But the three weeks passed, his exams came and went, and suddenly, almost before she knew it, it was the night before he was due to leave. Hardly able to believe it, Ellie went into his room. His suitcase was packed, his electric guitar was in its case and he was just putting the last few things into a rucksack. He smiled at her and she sat down on his bed. His room looked strange—his desk was clear and on his bookcase there were patches in the dust where there had been photos, books, and CDs.

“You’re really going,” she said.

He nodded. “I am. Just think—tomorrow I’ll be in Canada.”

Ellie saw the conflict in his eyes. She knew he hated leaving her, but she could sense the excitement in him too. She felt torn between feeling happy for him and yet not wanting him to go. “You’d better email lots.”

“Just try and stop me.” Joe fastened up the top of his rucksack and then looked at her. “I’ll miss you.”

She didn’t know how she would manage without him, but she let the better part of herself triumph and with a tremendous effort forced a smile, making herself be strong for him. “I’ll miss you too, but I’ll be OK. You’ll have a brilliant time in Canada and while you’re there you can tell me about everything you’re learning.”

Their gazes met and for a moment they just looked at each other.

Joe sighed. “Come on. Come with me while I say goodbye to the horses.”

They went out on to the quiet dark yard. Joe worked his way around all the stables, saying a goodbye to each horse. He paused at an empty stable in the pony barn. It was cleaned out and bare of rugs, deserted. Ellie saw Joe swallow and knew he was thinking about Merlin. He went to the door and looked inside. Ellie swallowed. She could picture the merry little bay pony, too small to look properly over the door. He had been the first pony she’d ridden when she had come to High Peak Stables. She went to Joe and put her arm over his shoulder. “He was the best pony,” she said softly.

Joe glanced at her, his eyes infinitely sad. “He was.”

“Your dad should never have had him put to sleep.”

“No.” Joe shut his eyes. “Ellie, I don’t want to leave you, but I’m glad I’m going. I want to get away from here.”

Ellie nodded, understanding.

They stared at the empty stable for a few moments, each deep in their own thoughts, while around them the ponies snorted and pulled at their haynets in the warm summer night.

JOE LEFT EARLY
the next morning. “You have to keep trying with Spirit,” he told Ellie as he hugged her before he left. “There’s going to be something that will work. I know there is and you’ll find it.”

Ellie hugged him and then waved him off with the others.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” she said to Luke.

Luke shook his head as the car drove away and the grooms walked back to the yard. “He should have told Len he wouldn’t go until the end of the summer. I can’t get over him leaving when—” He broke off. “Well, when there’s so much happening. He shouldn’t have gone.”

“He wanted to stay.” Ellie struggled to come to Joe’s defense. “He really did. He asked if he could but he wasn’t allowed to.”

Luke looked at her, his mouth set. “No one could have forced him on that plane if he’d refused.”

Ellie turned away. Right then, she had enough to think about with Spirit without wasting energy on wishing that Joe was made differently. He’d gone. She had to deal with it.

“So, what are you going to do about Spirit?” Luke asked, falling into step beside her.

“Do?” She shrugged. “Nothing. Just keep trying—keep fighting.”

Luke nodded. For a moment, she thought he was about to say something else, but then he just gave her a smile. “Good luck with it.”

“Thanks,” Ellie sighed.

By the following weekend Spirit had completely stopped eating, his ribs were standing out more sharply than ever and he had become very quiet. When Ellie turned him out in the field on Saturday, he didn’t graze with the others but stayed near the gate. Resting a back foot, he half-closed his eyes and lowered his head. Ellie waited, expecting to see the other horses going over to him, but they stayed away.

“See you later,” she called anxiously to him. He raised his head but couldn’t even summon the energy to whinny.

He barely moved all day. At suppertime Ellie went to bring him in while Luke caught Gem and Picasso. Len and Stuart were driving down to Cornwall with some of the Armstrongs’ ponies. They were staying overnight there and going in a show the next day.

Ellie looked at Spirit. Deep inside her she felt a knot of fear but she tried to ignore it. She called his name. His ears flickered but he didn’t open his eyes. She called again. “Spirit!”

This time he did raise his head. Her heart clenched—his eyes were duller now and she could feel the pain radiating from him.

“Hey, boy.” She put on his headcollar, her voice falsely cheerful. “Time to go in.”

Luke had already reached the gate with Gem and Picasso. “Ellie, he’s not looking good,” he said in concern as Ellie walked Spirit over.

“He’s OK,” Ellie said stubbornly.

She led Spirit slowly to his stable. He stumbled every few strides. She had put down a fresh bed for him that day and filled a haynet in the hope that he would eat, but he didn’t take even a mouthful. She stroked him. His skin felt tight and she could feel her fingertips tingling with heat as she passed them over his body, feeling his energy adjusting slightly. The lumps on his chest had grown bigger and she’d noticed that he had some sores on his flanks now.

Ellie left the stable and went to do the feeds with Luke before they shut the barns and the tackroom up. For once, Luke was quiet as they worked. As they finished, he turned to Ellie. “So, have you talked to John about when you should have Spirit put down?”

Ellie’s heart lurched. John
had
spoken to her about it and he had said the decision was hers. When she felt it was time she should give him a call. Ellie was determined not to make that call, though. She wouldn’t give up on Spirit. Not ever. She looked away, not answering.

Luke’s face was serious. “At some point you’ll have to make the decision.”

“No! He’s going to get better.”

“Ellie,” Luke said softly. “He’s not going to get better now. You can’t let him suffer any longer. It’s incredible that he’s still here. He hasn’t eaten for days. He’s surviving on will power alone and you have to do what’s best for him.”

“Killing him is best for him?” A desperate part of her still fought to avoid the truth.

“Yes.”

Ellie swung around to march out, not wanting to hear any more, but Luke grabbed her arm, stopping her escape. “I know it hurts. But someone has to tell you—for your sake, for his. Given the state Spirit is in, it
is
best now to put him to sleep.”

Ellie wrenched her arm away. “He’s fine!” she spat.

Luke’s voice raised. “He’s not fine, Ellie! Use your eyes!” He took a breath and lowered his tone. “Please—you know I am no more likely to give up than you are, but there are some things you can’t fight and sometimes giving up is the right thing to do. Put Spirit first. Don’t let him starve to death. Let him die peacefully.”

“He wants to stay.” Ellie’s voice trembled, tears welling. “He doesn’t want to go.”

Luke didn’t say anything.

“He doesn’t, Luke!”

With a shake of his head, Luke walked away. Ellie ran to Spirit’s stable. He was lying down and he lifted his head to look at her as she opened his door, but Ellie could see the effort he had to make. She walked over and sat down beside him without speaking. Outside the scent of honeysuckle was heavy in the evening air. It seemed so unfair that summer was in full force, flowers blooming and plants growing, while Spirit’s life was ebbing away in front of her eyes.

Because that was what was happening—Luke was right. She had to be brave and face it. Her shoulders sagged as the fight finally went out of her.

Sitting down beside him, she stroked his face. She let herself see that there were deep hollows above his eyes now, pain tightening his muzzle and lips. She remembered what Luke had just said:
It’s incredible he’s still alive…

It
was
incredible. She knew deep down that the only thing keeping him there was his amazing will—the promise he had made to her.
I will stay.

Ellie felt a lump in her throat. She shut her eyes and felt the connection slowly open between them.

His voice in her head was weary.
It hurts. I’m so tired.

Every bit of Ellie fought against the question she knew she had to ask.
Do you want to go?

She held her breath. There was a moment’s silence and then Spirit spoke.
No, I said I will stay.

Spirit…
She swallowed. If she really loved him she would let him go peacefully and before he was in any more pain. She couldn’t ask him to battle on like this.
It’s all right. You’ve tried so hard. You don’t have to try any longer. The vet can give you an injection and you’ll go to sleep. It’ll take away the pain. You…you won’t ever wake up but the pain will be gone.

Her fingers trembled as they played with his mane.

Death.
There was no fear, only acceptance.

Her heart ached.
Yes.

Neither of them spoke. Ellie put her arms around him, feeling as if she was splintering into millions of pieces that were floating up into the sky. He snorted, sending her waves of comfort despite his own pain and weariness. She started to sob. She didn’t think she could bear it. But she had to. She couldn’t let Spirit keep suffering just so she could keep him with her.

When?
The question filled her brain.

She looked at the dullness in Spirit’s eyes and knew deep down it wouldn’t be any easier if she put it off by a week or two, and it would be harder for him.
Tomorrow,
she thought.
I’ll call John tomorrow.

She saw slight shivers crossing Spirit’s skin despite the warm night. “I’ll bring you a rug,” she murmured.

She fetched a lightweight fleece rug. She didn’t try to make Spirit get up so she could do it up; she just covered his body with it and then crept under it too, tucking herself between his front and back legs. She put her arm over his back. Spirit breathed slowly and deeply, his muzzle resting on the straw, his eyes half-closed. But Ellie felt too unhappy to sleep and stayed awake as the evening turned from dusk to darkness outside.

As she sat there, images ran through her mind—the first time she had seen Spirit at the sale, walking him back to the yard with Joe beside her when he had refused to load into the horsebox, the first time she had heard his voice and the first time she had sat on his back and ridden him. She thought about the sound of his joyful whinny in the mornings when he saw her walking to his stable, and the feel of his warm breath on her hair. She remembered how patient he’d been when she was learning to talk with other horses, how he had encouraged her and never blamed her when she got things wrong.
And all the time he helped me so much with other stuff too,
Ellie realized. If she hadn’t been able to tell him about her parents and how much she missed them, she would have gone mad in her early months at High Peak Stables.

Looking at him, she felt her heart swell at how incredible he was. After the way he’d been treated by humans, after everything that had happened to him, he should have wanted nothing to do with people. But he hadn’t let the experiences in his past destroy his ability to love and trust her. Now she had to repay that trust by being strong and giving him the one thing she could—freedom from pain. No matter how much it cost her, no matter how much it hurt, in the morning she would call the vet.

Oh, Spirit, Spirit, Spirit
, she thought.

There was a noise at the stable door and she glanced around to see Luke there. Her heart sank; she didn’t want to speak to him.

“Are you all right?” he asked in a low voice.

She nodded.

“Do you want anything?”

She shook her head, her throat aching with tears.

Luke melted away into the night. Ellie rested her head against Spirit’s neck and watched as the stars outside the stable changed in the sky and the hours slowly passed.

She finally drifted off to sleep. She woke to the sound of birds singing. Outside the stable, she could see the stars had faded and the gray light of morning was starting to lighten the sky. Spirit was stirring slightly. She stroked his neck, feeling her own leg muscles protesting at having been curled up all night. It was almost a new day. Soon, the house door would open and Luke would come out, then the grooms would arrive and then…then she would have to call John.