Hot Mess (19 page)

He'd wanted to talk to her so badly, but he still didn't know what he needed to say, if anything, and a crowded park wasn't the place to do it anyway. Still, seeing her there made him miserable. Talking to his dad yesterday had helped him sort through his feelings, though. He knew he wanted to try again, but he just wasn't sure how to get the ball rolling, so to speak. She looked as miserable as he felt, and he wasn't about to presume it was because of him. If she was that wretched because of what Sam had done, he wanted to rip his own heart out with a spoon. Guilt was dragging him down, and he needed to make it right.

Cade had tossed his bobber into the water, and leaned back on his elbows, resting the cane pole on his knees.

"You are such a lazy son of a bitch," Juan teased him.

"Well, y'all don't ever catch anything with all that casting y'all do. There's no sense in wasting all that energy. I'm tired." He leaned back and closed his eyes, lifting his face to the setting sun.

Amanda had gone to the other side of the lake to get away from the men, saying they were boring and was listening to her iPod and drawing in a sketch pad that Sam had bought her. He liked that she was enjoying art. His mother had been a good artist with charcoals. He smiled at the memory.

When they'd first moved here, she'd been sad to leave her old friends, still recovering from her mother's death. And then she'd met Sophia and started doing so much better. He had caved and let her go back to Rachel's house in the evenings after her homework was finished. She seemed to be doing better in school and was at least speaking to him again.

"Hey man, we wanted to talk to you." Juan had taken on the role of Sam's big brother, which was almost comical, since Sam was a good foot taller.

"Oh yeah? What about?"

"You." Juan grabbed beer out of the cooler and passed them around to everybody. "And we wanted to give you a heads up."

"About what?"

Juan nudged Cade with the beer, "You tell him."

A sinking feeling hit Sam, and he wondered what in the hell this was about.

Cade sat up and took a drink from his bottle. "Last week I went out with this girl who is a reporter for the Serendipity Herald. She told me she's going to do a story on Rachel Fairchild."

Sam's ears perked up. He'd been listening, but it just sounded like Cade was about to brag about his conquests, and he wasn't really in the mood for that. At the mention of Rachel's name however, he turned to face Cade.

"Crystal?" He knew that woman was trouble.

"Yeah." Cade took a swig of his beer.

"What kind of story?"

"About how she has AIDS," Cade replied, quietly.

"She doesn't have AIDS," Sam growled at him.

"Look man, I was just telling you. Maybe you could warn her or something. This girl's a real bitch and said she'd found a website that Rachel ran, or something. She was going to call her soon and try to get some information, but this reporter has been posing as a sick woman and asking Rachel all kinds of questions on her website and stuff." Cade took a sip of his beer. "I'm not going to see her again. I told her to leave Rachel alone, but we ended up getting into a big fight about it."

An underlying uneasiness almost overrode the pleasure of his friend sticking up for Rachel. He remained silent, contemplating the notion of Rachel's carefully cultivated secret being exposed to the community.

"What's the story between you two anyway?" Juan interjected into his thoughts. "I thought for sure I saw love in your eyes, then you dumped her, and since then, you've been acting like your mama died or something."

Sam sighed. "I should have listened to her. I pushed her too hard to have a relationship, when she didn't want one. She just wanted her privacy. But I couldn't let it go. Then when she told me she was sick, I freaked."

"But you just said she doesn't have AIDS."

"She's HIV positive. There's a difference."

"Well, it's obvious to the world that you like her, man. What's stopping you from looking beyond it?"

Sam looked across the lake at his daughter and her sketchpad. "'Manda. She can't lose another mother. I won't do that to her."

"Who says she's going to lose her?"

Sam just glared at Juan. He couldn't think of anything to say to him. His father's words echoed in his head.

Juan didn't let it drop. "You should know that medicine has come a long way with stuff like that. Who's to say she's going to die anytime soon? Have you even talked to her about that?"

Sam was shocked. "How do you talk to somebody about something like that?"

"Easy, you open your mouth, and say, 'What's your prognosis?' Dude, you're a paramedic for Christ's sakes. Don't be stupid about this."

Cade spoke up. "Look man. You may not be able to see past it, but somebody else will. Rachel is sweet, and she's beautiful. Someday, another guy is going to snatch her up and look beyond her illness. How will that make you feel, seeing her with another man who can make her happy?"

The thought made Sam's grip tighten so hard on his fishing pole the fiberglass creaked. "There's not another man that can make her feel the way I can," he snarled at Cade.

Cade just grinned at him mischievously. "Then go get her, Tiger."

On the way home, Sam was navigating through the dark streets when Amanda spoke up.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, Punkin?"

"Why don't you spend time with Sophie's mama anymore?"

Sam had been waiting for the question, and was surprised it hadn't come sooner. Since he'd seen Rachel at the park last week, she'd dominated his thoughts. He'd talked to his friends about her, and his dad. It was no surprise that his daughter would bring her up, too.

"It's complicated, baby. When you get older, maybe I'll explain it all to you."

"I wish you two would get married. She's a better cook than Brenda, and then Sophie would be my sister. I like Sophie."

He chuckled softly, more for effect than anything else. The thought of marrying Rachel made his stomach do funny things. "Well, I'm not so sure about the marrying part, but we'll see about the spending time part, okay?"

"Do you want me to talk to her for you?"

"No! Don't say anything. I've got to come up with a plan first. Let's let this be our secret, okay Punkin?"

She seemed a little deflated when she said, "Okay, Daddy."

His heart lurched. Now he had to come up with something. This had gone on long enough.

It is very easy to develop tunnel vision when a rescuer is involved in an unusually complex and/or lengthy rescue. Tunnel vision can and in many cases has kept the rescuer from seeing an obvious solution or more often an impending danger.--From
Firefighter's Handbook, Essentials, of Firefighting and Emergency Response

Sam had stocked the kitchen with as much junk food as he could manage, not having any idea what Amanda and Sophia would get into. He was hosting their first ever sleepover and wasn't sure what he was getting himself into. He was prepared to listen to shrieking and giggles all night long, and something told him it wouldn't be all bad.

When the girls had first approached him, he'd agreed, never in his wildest imagination thinking that Rachel would agree to it. But she had, and now, here he was. He really needed to talk to her, but hadn't had a chance. The fishing trip was last night, and the girls had cooked up this sleepover thing this morning, and he'd been getting ready to entertain little girls all day.

Sophia looked wide eyed at the freezer, full of frozen pizzas, pizza rolls, ice cream, fish sticks, and cookie dough.

"We can eat any of this?" Her voice held a sense of awe.

Sam chuckled at her. "Of course you can. Doesn't your mother keep any of this stuff?"

"No. Sometimes, she'll buy ice cream, but she usually makes it. I like Blue Bell better. We've never had any of this other stuff."

Sam couldn't help himself. He had this little font of information, and information is what he craved.

"Your mother eats pretty healthy, doesn't she?"

"Yeah, she thinks that processed food is evil." Sophia rolled her eyes while she said this, sending Amanda into a fit of giggles. The sound made Sam's heart swell.

"But your mom is a really good cook. Her cookies are awesome." Amanda added.

"How's your mom been?"

"Sad, but she tries to hide it from me. I can tell, though, when she's sad."

"How can you tell?"

"Well, she sits and stares at her laptop without working on it. And sometimes she wears her pajamas all day. And sometimes, she cries in the bathroom. She doesn't think I can hear her, but I can. She sniffs loud." The little girl's seriousness tugged at his heartstrings, and he felt for Rachel. He understood depression, had battled it himself during his divorce and again while dealing with Marisol. He realized that he was constantly wondering what he could do differently, first with Marisol, and now with Rachel. The difference was, Rachel was still living, and he had a chance to fix things between them.

"Does she ever get out of the house? Do anything with friends?" Sam thought he already knew the answer to this, since he stared at her house every free moment he had. He'd never seen her go anywhere.

Sophia shook her head, confirming his thoughts. "No. Miss Cindy is her only friend, and they don't go out, unless they take me and Shelly to the park, and that's not very often."

"How about the doctor? Has she been, lately?"

Sophia's eyes dimmed and were guarded at the question. "Just regular visits."

Sensing he was overstepping his boundaries, he said simply, "Well, tell her I said 'hi' okay?" Turning to preheat the oven, he dropped the topic of her mother, but his thoughts stayed on her. He really wanted to know how she was doing now.

After filling the girls full of processed carbohydrates, and sending them to Amanda's room to watch movies and play dress up, he fixed himself a glass of instant iced tea and went into the living room to watch TV, but he dwelled on what Sophia had said about her mother.

Rachel was depressed, and it was probably his fault. He knew he'd ended things poorly with her, and he regretted it. He'd been watching her for months now. Sam had been watching out his window, when she'd come home without her cast the first time, and he'd felt a sense of joy for her. She still had a slight limp, but was getting around much better without the cast.

He wondered what she cried about, specifically, and what he could do to make her better? Was her health okay? He felt a strong desire to fix her, even though he also knew without a doubt that she would die before she would let him know she was broken.

Even after all this time, Sam still got warm when he thought about Rachel. The blood ran hot under his skin as he remembered kissing her, and he wondered if that would ever stop. She affected him, even in her absence. Maybe especially in her absence?

His fingers clenched, as they remembered the feel of her skin. The way kissing her made his heart pound. Her scent taking his breath away.

His cell phone ring tone broke into his daydreams, and he had to take a deep breath before answering.

"Hello."

"Hi Sam." It was Rachel, and the sound of her voice actually made his stomach flutter, like a girl.

Trying to sound nonchalant, "Hey, Rachel. What's up?"

"I was just calling to check on Sophia. Is she doing okay? Did she eat dinner? Has she given you any trouble?"

"No, no trouble. I think she ate her weight in pizza rolls. They're in 'Manda's room, doing something scary with makeup."

"Oh. Okay. Pizza rolls?" Her voice sounded incredulous, and he chuckled.

"Yeah, pizza rolls. She liked them."

"I'm sure she did." He could hear the smile in her voice, and it made Sam happy.

"I've missed your voice." His declaration was met with silence. He couldn't blame her, although it was true, and he wasn't sure why he'd said it. He hadn't intended to tell her that. "I've missed you." Or that.

"Sam…" She sounded like she was planning to admonish him, but her inflection changed. "I've missed you, too."

Feeling warmer, and braver, Sam's voice dropped. "I saw you got your cast off. Enjoying your freedom?"

"Yes."

"I've enjoyed seeing your legs again." Now, why did he say that? It was as much as admitting he'd been spying on her.

"Um…thanks?"

Time to change the subject, get back on a safe topic. "I wanted apologize for me letting our…history interfere with the girls' friendship. And I wanted to thank you for letting Amanda come back. Sophie means a lot to her. And 'Manda needs Sophie right now."

"It's no problem. We missed her. Amanda is a joy to have here at the house." Her voice dropped to nearly a whisper. "Everybody needs friends."

Sam felt the guilt wrench his gut, like somebody had just stabbed him with a red-hot spoon. "Yeah, they do." He remembered his conversation with Cade. "Um, I need to tell you something, Rachel." Just then, the girls came running into the room.