Hot SEALs: Discarded Heart (Kindle Worlds; Danger Incorporated Book 2.5) (5 page)

Cal took a long drink from his water bottle, drawing out the moment until he had some semblance of an answer. He’d put a great deal of thought into that very question.

“I was the lead on an investigation into organized crime. It took me about three years but I fought my way up the ladder until I was head of a gambling and prostitution syndicate in Chicago. I took down some big names. One night I took down a guy named Alan Morton. He was one sick bastard so please don’t feel sorry for him. Anyway, he had a lot of friends in high places and they had Washington D.C. connections. Long story short? They screamed until they got what they wanted. My ass on a platter.”

“That’s horrible that they can do that. You don’t have any recourse?”

She was genuinely upset for him but he’d made some peace with his destiny. He wasn’t completely there but he’d given up on false hope.

“Sure, I could get a lawyer and drag this out for years. They’d hold hearings and take statements but in the end nothing would change. My career and my reputation would be in tatters. At least this way if I leave quietly I’ll get to keep some of the respect I’ve worked so hard to earn. The people who really know me won’t buy into the bullshit.”

There were only a few, actually. His job wasn’t conducive to building close friendships.

“I know you didn’t do anything wrong.”

There wasn’t a smidge of doubt in her voice, although she knew little about his work and less about how shallow his life had become since he’d left her.

“You can’t possibly know that. Maybe I’m a terrible agent or an awful person.”

“No.” Mika shook her head, color in her cheeks. “I know. You were always the one to make sure everything was just right. In school. Playing football. Even when you were making a piece of furniture there were no shortcuts. You couldn’t have changed that much in eight years.”

“For someone that hates me you’re being kind of nice.”

“I don’t hate you.” Her voice was a whisper and he had to lean down to hear her. “I tried and sometimes I succeeded, but right now I don’t hate you. How can I when you offered to take all the blame?”

Cal chuckled and wrapped both of his hands around hers. “I have to be honest and admit that wasn’t my idea. A friend of mine suggested I do that. But once I thought about it I realized that it really was my fault. I should have come back to help you. I should have–”

“Stop.” Mika pulled her hand away and made a cutting motion in the air. “You were just out of the military and trying to make a career for yourself. You needed the money to help your parents since the economy sucked. And if I’m being really honest here? I kept thinking you’d come back. That you’d hate Chicago as much as I did and you’d come back here to me. But Applewood was never big enough for your dreams, was it? I understand that now when I think about what I want for Alex. When he’s grown I can’t hold him here because of my wants and needs. It wouldn’t be fair, and I wasn’t fair to you.”

“So what I’m taking from this conversation is that we’re both a pair of selfish jerks who should have done things differently. Except we can’t go back in time and change any of it. We only have the here and now.”

Mika’s lips drooped and her eyes glistened with tears. “You’re right. We can’t go back. We had our chance and we blew it. Now we’re two different people with grown-up responsibilities. But I’m still glad we talked about this. I didn’t want to but as usual you knew best.”

Mika tugged her hand away and stood, quickly walking across the room to where her bag sat on the table. Cal levered up from the couch, an uneasy feeling deep in his gut. If this was closure he didn’t like it one bit.

“What are you doing? There’s still chocolate cake left.”

Slinging her purse on her shoulder Mika smiled sadly. “I’m leaving. Can you lock up the warehouse behind me?”

Cal took a few steps toward her but she moved back as if to ward him off. “I can but I guess I don’t understand. Why are you going? I thought we were making progress here.”

“We are. We did. But we’ve said everything there is to say, don’t you think?”

They’d beaten the dead horse of who was to blame, that was for sure, but it didn’t feel
finished
to Cal. It hadn’t ever felt that way and hadn’t he always known that deep down? That’s why he’d been terrified to come here and at the same time he couldn’t stay away. He wanted to be near her even though it hurt like hell.

“It’s not over. We’re not done,” he growled, moving swiftly to cover the short distance between them. Before she could protest or push him away he’d gathered her in his arms, pressing her soft curves against every inch of himself. Nothing had felt this good since he’d left this damn town. “We still have this.”

This
was a kiss that splintered his soul into tiny slivers that pierced his already aching heart. He hadn’t known what had been missing in his life until this very moment.

His Michaela.

He’d been treading water, existing but not really living when they’d been apart. He’d pretended everything was fine, but hearing her say they had nothing between them anymore had finally pulled his head out of his ass. This couldn’t be the final page in their story. There was so much more if she’d just open herself up to the possibility.

Was it too late?

His lips slid over hers, seeking the answer even as her hands crept up his arms and wound around his neck. She tasted of chocolate and of something else… That essence he hadn’t found anywhere with anyone.

She tasted of forever.

As suddenly as the kiss had begun it was over, her hands pushing at his chest. He instantly stepped back, knowing that what he wanted was going to be a hard sell. All that stubbornness was still there and something about him brought it out of her in spades.

Her eyes were wide and she was visibly trembling. He reached out to steady her but she shook her head and stepped away to press her palm to the table for support. Neither of them spoke for a moment, the tension and anguish between them palpable.

“Don’t do that again.”

Her voice was as shaky as her hands but she looked him right in the eyes when she said it. Without another word she practically sprinted to the front door, throwing it open so hard that it slammed into the wall behind it. She was gone into the night, leaving Cal standing there with warring emotions in his gut. Hope and despair brawling it out for supremacy.

He was sure of one thing after tonight. There was still something between them and she felt it too. It might not be enough. Hell,
he
might not be enough but he had to try.

Cal wanted Mika’s love and a second chance. But he sure as hell didn’t deserve it.

CAL SAT ON his parents’ front porch the next day alongside his mother. They were enjoying the cool early morning weather with a cup of coffee and some fresh baked donuts he’d picked up at the diner on the way.

“I shouldn’t be eating these.” Alice Faulkner bit into the chocolate frosted with a sigh of contentment. “But you’re a good son for bringing them. I guess if I don’t eat sweets too often it’s not so bad.”

“I’m a lousy son but thank you. I had a hankering for them this morning and I thought you might like some too.”

He’d barely slept last night after everything that happened with Mika. His mind had whirled with images of the past and possibilities for their future. Should they have one, that is. He knew she still had feelings but he wasn’t convinced that deep down she didn’t blame him for all that had happened.

“Who told you that?” Alice scolded gently. “You are a good son. My favorite son.”

He was her only child unless she was living a secret life no one knew anything about.

“I rarely came home. I should have and I didn’t.”

“You were building your life and career. You’re supposed to do that and we didn’t expect anything different.”

“And now I have nothing to show for it.”

Cal couldn’t keep the bitterness from seeping into his tone. All the years of hard work were down the drain.

“Maybe you concentrated on the wrong things.”

Pouring himself another cup of coffee, Cal pondered his mother’s observation. She hadn’t asked many questions about his life in Chicago since he’d been back nor had she asked much about Mika.

“I was trying to make something of myself.”

“You always were ambitious.” She shook her head when he offered to refill her cup. “I admired that but I also hoped you’d take time out to find a good woman and have a family.”

That was half a sentence.

“You mean you wished I had married Mika and settled down in Applewood.”

His mother pursed her lips, her gaze far away. “I think you and Mika could have a good life but I’m sure there are other women as well you could be happy with. Maybe even happier. Mika is a lovely girl but she can be bull-headed and set in her ways. She certainly left you high and dry after you moved.”

Cal started to defend Mika but then simply chuckled. Alice Faulkner wasn’t fooling anybody. She adored Mika and always had.

“Are you trying out some reverse psychology, Mom? We both know that the breakup was just as much my fault as hers. If I’d been any kind of man I would have stayed here and helped her raise Alex but I cut and ran. I took the easy way out.”

Alice’s brows shot up in mock surprise. “I didn’t realize your life had been so leisurely since you left. I must have missed that. How lucky for you.”

“You know what I mean,” Cal growled in frustration. “Maybe my life wasn’t a bed of roses but the only person I had to be worried about was me. Hell, I don’t even have any plants in my apartment to water and if I did they’d be dead. I probably shouldn’t be trusted with an actual human being.”

Yet for some strange reason Cal had taken to Alex right away. The boy needed a father and Mika needed…

Whoa.

What the hell was he thinking? He wasn’t father or husband material. He was an agent who put the bad guys behind bars. It was the only thing he knew how to do and he was damn good at it.

“I’m not going to argue with you, son, but I think you have more love and care in you than you know. Just don’t make the same mistake twice.”

“Leaving Mika? Even if I stay there’s no guarantee she wants a relationship with me. When I kissed her last–”

Cal broke off, heat rising in his cheeks. He hadn’t meant to say anything about the kiss last night, least of all to his mother.

Alice Faulkner wore a pleased smile as she sipped her coffee. “A kiss? About time. I’ve been waiting weeks for that to happen. Did she kiss you back?”

He did not want to discuss this with her.

“Yes.”

“So things are moving in the right direction. Excellent.”

If his mother had rubbed her hands together with a maniacal laugh he wouldn’t have been surprised. He’d suspected all along that this “volunteer” thing was just a ruse to throw them together.

“It doesn’t mean she wants me. In fact, she told me to never do it again and ran out. She hates me.”

“She hates that you’ve made her feel something. That poor girl has lived for her son and that’s fine but she needs something for herself. She needs to be loved.”

“What makes you think I still love her?” Cal asked desperately, hopping to his feet. He paced the worn boards of the front porch, the paint cracking and chipping away. His father was too old to be thinking about taking care of this and Cal made a quick mental note to handle it himself. “That ship sailed long ago.”

His mother plucked the last chocolate frosted from the bakery box. “Lying to yourself isn’t going to help this situation. You still love her and she still loves you. Why do you think you both stayed single all these years? I know there have been other women, Cal. You haven’t been a saint. Far from it, I’ll bet.”

“I worked sixteen hours a day and she was busy raising a child. That’s why we’re alone and not because of some deep unrequited love. After all these years that would be ridiculous.”

Alice Faulkner slapped the donut down on a plate and looked him right in the eye, making him stop pacing and face her. She was a formidable woman at all times but when she was intense like this she was a force to be reckoned with.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t have feelings for Mika and I’ll leave you alone.” He didn’t move a muscle, too confused about his feelings to make a denial but not sure he could call the swirling emotions that made him sick to his stomach love. “Go on, boy. Say it.”

He couldn’t and that was a problem. A big one.

He did love her. Now what in the hell was he going to do about it?

IT WAS A quiet Sunday morning. Mika and Alex were enjoying breakfast in their sunny kitchen decorated in yellow and white. She rested her chin in her hands as she watched Alex demolish a stack of pancakes, her own untouched. She’d barely slept the last two nights as she’d tossed and turned in her bed, playing the kiss with Cal over and over until she thought she’d scream with frustration.

It never should have happened and she’d be crazy to see something there that really wasn’t. Cal was probably bored and at loose ends here in Applewood, and kissing his old girlfriend seemed like a good idea at the time. He wouldn’t appreciate her building fantasies about love and forever based on a short kiss.

But there had been tongue.

He certainly hadn’t lost any of his skill. Making love with Cal had been the pinnacle of ecstasy and no other man had ever measured up the few times she’d tried to eradicate him from her mind. In other words, he knew his way around a female’s private parts. Especially hers, as she’d given him exclusive and unlimited access from the time they’d started dating to when they’d finally called it quits after his stint in the Navy and then joining the FBI.

“Do you want more?”

She pushed her own plate toward her son but he shook his head and shoved another bite in his mouth.

“No. Is Kenny coming over to play this morning?”

There wasn’t much left on the little boy’s plate although there was plenty of maple syrup smeared across his face. Her heart lurched in her chest as he grinned, reminding her so much of Sarah. Perhaps of his father as well, although she’d never know.

Mika had never met Alex’s father and Sarah had only spoken of him a few times.

“Yes, so you need to finish up your breakfast and pick up your toys.”

Alex gave her a look that said Mika was crazy as it didn’t make any sense to clean up toys that were only going to be dragged out again, but the mother part of her was always trying to press for order despite all the chaos.

“When do we get to help Cal again?”

Mika’s fingers tightened on the warm coffee cup but she managed to keep her features neutral. Alex was too young to understand her inner turmoil when it came to Caleb Faulkner and it was her job to make sure the little boy didn’t get hurt along the way. Cal hadn’t said anything about staying in Applewood long term and already her son had a mighty big case of hero worship.

“Soon,” she said noncommittally and then tried to change the subject. “What are you going to be for Halloween?”

It was still early but Halloween was second only to Christmas for Alex and he loved picking out his costume each year.

“I was thinking I would be a soldier. Or maybe a policeman. Did you know Cal was a soldier and a cop? Isn’t that cool, Mom?”

“Very cool. What about the zombie costume you were eyeing in that catalog? I thought you wanted to be something scary.”

“No way,” Alex scoffed, giving her that look again that said she was as dumb as a stump. She distinctly remembered giving it to her parents as well. It was a rite of passage for a child to think they were much smarter than their parent. “I want to be a hero. I want to be someone who saves people.”

“You’ve got time to figure it out. Maybe we can drive into Virginia Beach and you can look at the costumes there.”

A quick knock on her front door told her Charlotte and Kenny had arrived. They’d long since dispatched with any ceremony so Charlotte pushed open the door with a wave. Alex scrambled down from his chair and the two boys scampered off into the backyard.

Mika sighed in resignation. The toys could be picked up later.

“Please tell me you have a full pot of coffee.”

Charlotte sniffed the air appreciatively and reached into the cabinet, pulling down a mug.

“I do but you may have to wrestle me for it.”

Charlotte poured herself a cup and settled in the chair Alex had just vacated. “You look like hell. Did you walk with the undead last night or something?”

Mika groaned and gulped down more of her coffee, the scorching liquid burning her tongue. “Thank you very much. I sure know where to go when I need a pick me up.”

“I’m just calling it like I see it. Are you coming down with the flu?”

Mika’s gaze flickered to the windows overlooking the backyard where the two boys were happily playing with a blue and red soccer ball. “I kissed Cal Friday night after you left.”

Charlotte’s eyes bugged and her mouth fell open, the coffee cup paused halfway to her lips. The expression would have been comical if anything else about the situation was in the least funny.

“Oh. My. God. Is that all you did? Are you back together? How was it? Did he tell you he still has feelings? Do you still have feelings? What a stupid question…of course you still have feelings. This is Cal we’re talking about. He’s a man among men. Oh my God, Mika.”

Charlotte had said all that in one single breath and it showed. She gasped and sucked in air as if starved of oxygen, almost dropping her mug and spilling scalding hot coffee down her clothes.

“Just calm down.” Mika held up her hands in surrender. She needed to talk about what had happened but clearly Charlotte had already made up her mind as to what Mika should do. “It was a kiss. Afterwards I told him he shouldn’t do it again.”

Charlotte looked scandalized. “Why the heck not? If a man like Cal wanted to kiss me I’d drape myself across his lap and let him have his wicked way with me.”

Mika didn’t want to think about all the times she’d done pretty much that very thing.

“There’s too much…history between us. We talked Friday night and pretty much had it out. Finally after all this time. He blamed himself. I blamed myself. We both realized we’d done stupid shit and then he kissed me. It probably didn’t mean anything. He was probably just caught up in the nostalgia or something.”

Except the kiss hadn’t felt like before. There had been something new there. Cal was different now. More commanding. More in control. Someone she could trust and depend on. She could feel that he’d changed these last years, especially when he’d talked about losing his career. It had meant so much to him and her heart ached for his shattered dreams.

“Sure. Yeah. Nostalgia.” Charlotte rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue. “That’s why I go around kissing people. Why, just the other day I laid a big one right on David Brown’s lips just because he used to bring me potato chips when we were in junior high. I just felt so…nostalgic.”

“Are you done now? Can we get back to my problem?”

Charlotte filched a piece of bacon off the tray on the counter. “Okay, I’ll be serious. And seriously I don’t see that you have a problem, my friend. Unless of course you don’t find Cal attractive. Is that the real problem? You don’t want him anymore?”

“My good sense is saying he’s the last person I should want.”

Charlotte waggled her eyebrows. “Does any other body part have an opinion?”

Mika had been single for so long she’d thought that perhaps her sex life was completely in the past. Something she thought about every now and then but nothing she would ever recapture.

“If you’re referring to my girl parts, then yes they have an opinion, but I’m sure you can guess what it is.”

Her expression turned sober and Charlotte leaned forward and placed her hand over Mika’s in a comforting gesture. “And your heart?”

“It hurts,” Mika admitted, closing her eyes for a moment and taking a deep breath to manage the ache centered directly in her chest. “I always told myself that he tossed my heart and love aside as if it was nothing. He was a bastard or worse. But he’s not. Not really. As much as he hurt me I hurt him just as much.”

Charlotte squeezed Mika’s fingers. “Maybe this is your second chance.”

“Do people really get those?” Mika pulled away and fell back into a kitchen chair, slumping in defeat. “Let’s follow this to its logical conclusion, shall we? We kissed. So let’s say I let him kiss me again. And again. And we end up in bed which certainly isn’t a stretch. Then I fall in love with him all over again because let’s face it—I still have feelings. Then after all that he tells me he’s going back to Chicago. Another heartbreak. Only this time it will feel a hundred times worse. Do you still think this is a good idea?”

“This only ends in another stalemate if the two of you haven’t learned anything from the last time.”

Mika reached for her coffee cup and took a gulp, needing the fortification of caffeine.

“I’m not sure I follow you.”

“I’m not talking about following me. I’m talking about following him. As in do it this time. Go with him.”

Charlotte said it as if it was the most easy, natural thing in the world.

“My job–” Mika began but her friend shook her head.

“They have those in Chicago. Try again.”

“Alex is settled–”

“They have schools in Chicago too, I’m told,” Charlotte cut in. “Other kids he can make friends with.”

“It’s a big city. Lots of people,” Mika replied quietly, already running out of arguments. She’d made them all before and they sounded just as hollow this time as they had years ago. “It doesn’t matter because we’re not in love and he hasn’t asked me to go with him. It’s moot.”

But she could fall so easily…

“Cal wouldn’t have kissed you unless he felt something. You feel it too. Are you really going to fight this?”

Was she? Her head and her heart were at war currently and both hurt from the skirmish.

“I have no idea what I’m going to do, honestly. I’m so confused I barely know which way is up. I thought I’d handled my feelings for Cal, to be honest. Placed him in his own little compartment and labeled it ‘The Past’.”

“Now he’s your present,” Charlotte replied crisply. “What do you plan to do about it? Run and hide or gather your courage and face it?”

Mika had to finally admit there wasn’t any way to outrun her past. It had found her, kissed her, and made her feel things she hadn’t in so long. It was bad and good and yes, kind of annoying all at the same time. She hadn’t been consulted about whether she wanted this but here it was whether she liked it or not.

“I don’t really have a choice. If I don’t deal with Cal now he’ll haunt me for the rest of my life.”

“So what’s the plan?”

“I have no idea. There is no plan except to survive the next few months but one thing is for certain. I’m done with trying to avoid him or make him feel guilty. From now on I deal with Cal straight on, no games. If he wants to spend time with Alex then that’s fine and dandy with me.”

“And if he wants to spend time with you?” Charlotte asked, a playful smile on her lips as she snagged another piece of bacon. “What will you do then?”

“You ask a lot of questions,” Mika said instead of answering. She stood and went straight to the coffee pot, warming up her cup, studiously avoiding looking her friend in the eye.

“Michaela Adams, you don’t fool me.”

Mika had a terrible feeling she wasn’t fooling anyone. Cal least of all.