How I Lost You (22 page)

The sun was still out, but it would set earlier than yesterday and the day before. Early August and we were losing bits of sunlight every day.

Levi had come straight over when I called. He put his hand out as we walked out of my cul-de-sac, and despite everything, despite the negative stuff oozing around my brain, taking it was wonderful. I chose him to turn to.

“That totally sucks,” he said as I breathed in the smell of him. “I mean that in a massive understatement way. Kya's on a definite downward spiral if she's hooking up with Steve Blender.”

We walked down the sidewalk and approached an old woman with a turquoise and brown skirt billowing around her. She held the leash to a black Chihuahua with a tiny little head and pointy black ears, wearing a miniature bandana with autumn leaves all over it.

“I know.” I thought about telling him what Steve had done to me. But it wasn't a good time. There were other things to worry about right now.

The woman glanced back at us and smiled as she stepped aside. “Move over, Fredrick,” she said to her dog. “Let these young people pass.”

I smiled at her as we walked by. She had inviting eyes. A peaceful feeling warmed me as I brushed past.

“Tell Lucas I'm sorry about Kya,” I said to Levi, and waited to see if Lucas had said something about what had happened, but Levi merely nodded.

“He'll live. I mean, he liked her.” He stopped as if thinking what to say next. “But they were moving pretty fast. And in the end, she's not really his type.”

“She does that. Moves fast in an effort not to be seen.” I stopped. There I was. Still making excuses for her. But how could I not?

He nodded. “Yeah, I guess. I feel worse for James.” I'd told him the whole story. I didn't want secrets between us. I'd tell him about Steve. But not then.

“They've been my best friends for so long.” I glanced up as a streetlight flickered overhead. “It's so messed up.” We turned at the corner, heading toward the school.

“It sucks,” Levi said. “Losing a friend is hard.”

We walked toward a path that would take us through the school grounds. I glanced at his profile. “I like that you don't try to solve my problems or tell me what to do like my dad or brother would. Or even James.”

He rubbed his thumb over mine. “I'm not a very manly man, am I?”

“Au contraire,” I said, and grinned. I couldn't believe I was flirting.

“Busted. I'm a bit of a mama's boy,” he said.

I laughed. Not the impression he gave off at all.

“No. Really. No brothers or sisters. My dad traveled a lot when I was a kid and it was me and my mom. And then she went back to work. She had lots of strong ideas about right and wrong and how not to act. She ingrained them into my head.” We walked past the school play structure. A few young boys about twelve years old were sitting on top of the monkey bars, laughing at something. “Her dad was a man's man. You know? She hated that. She didn't want me to be like that.”

I nodded. “No hot yoga for him.”

He laughed. “Exactly,” he said.

The school path led us to a busier street and we walked down the sidewalk. I noticed the leaves were turning orange on the trees in the middle of the boulevard.

“I don't know if I even know how not to look after Kya,” I said softly.

He nodded. “I lost a good friend a while ago. It was different but still awful.”

I waited for him to say more.

He sighed. “We were friends since we were kids. His mom was awesome. Is awesome. We went to different schools but grew up beside each other. Our moms hung out when we were young. When my mom went back to work, his mom kind of took over. Sort of like your parents with James.”

My heart ached again at the thought of James. I nodded though, understanding what he meant.

“So we were close, but we had separate lives too. You know? We had other friends. He used to talk about girls at his school. The ones he liked.”

We walked past a white van almost parked on the sidewalk. We walked around it and I caught a glimpse of our reflection in the window. Our hands clasped together. In spite of everything, my heart pitter-pattered.

“Anyways. I teased him. He had all this info about girls. And he told me he had a girlfriend. That he'd been with her for a while but hadn't told me.”

Another couple approached us on the sidewalk. A great-looking guy and an athletic girl. They both said hi and Levi paused until we passed them.

“I didn't believe him so I bugged him, you know, trying to catch him lying, but in fun, right? I thought he was full of it, but not like I really cared or anything. We played video games and stuff, we didn't exactly double date.” He paused to catch his breath. “I had braces until tenth grade. And was kind of shy with girls.”

I glanced over, trying to picture it. Two joggers ran toward us, we dropped hands, and Levi stepped in front of me to let them pass. When they were gone, he took my hand again and matched my steps.

“Anyhow, he got defensive. Said he'd prove it to me. That he had a girlfriend. I asked why I couldn't meet her. He said she had strict parents. So I bugged him, asking to see pictures.” He swallowed. “It was stupid. But for some reason, I pushed it. I meant like a class photo or them standing arm in arm. Something. A couple days later when I was over at his place, he was acting all proud, patting his pocket, telling me he had pictures.” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “So he took me outside and he pulls out his cell phone. I think he's going to call her, get her to talk to me or something, but then he turns the phone on and shows me a picture.” Levi took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his curls. “He had a bunch of pictures. Of the girl. Giving him a blowjob. He took pictures.”

He coughed and shook his head while I grimaced. “That wasn't the worst thing, though. He had other pictures. And she was a kid. I mean, young. I asked how old she was and he grinned, all proud, and told me she was twelve. It was a kid he used to babysit. He said when she turned twelve he'd taught her to give head. He said that. He was her babysitter. Her babysitter.” He dropped my hand and wiped his hands on his pants. “I lost it. I mean, I started hitting him. And he's small. He dropped to the ground but I kept on going. I couldn't stop until his dad came outside and pulled me off.”

I reached for his hand and squeezed it hard. “Neighbors had already called the police. His dad threatened to press charges and his mom looked at me with big, shocked eyes. When the police came, I didn't say anything but I told his mom in private to check his cell phone. And to never ever let him babysit kids again.

“The police wanted to charge me, but his mom didn't let them. When my mom came home later, I told her what happened and we both cried.” He closed his eyes for a second. “I never saw him again. A few weeks later, his mom and dad put the house up for sale. They moved away.”

He stopped then, and I halted beside him as he stared at a car parked in a nearby driveway. “I asked my mom to get a hold of the girl's parents. I still wonder if we should have told the police everything. I mean, they were there. Other kids found out I beat him up. But no one knows why. I didn't tell anyone what I saw on his phone. Not even Lucas. He doesn't know why I did what I did.”

I squeezed his hand. “It's hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes.”

“But maybe he should have been charged? Maybe that was the right thing to do? What if he does it again?”

“I don't know,” I said. “I'm sure his parents made sure he got help?”

“My mom said the girl got help. Her parents were really good.”

I nodded. “What could you do besides that?” I asked. “You were a kid too.” An urge to cry tightened my throat. How were we supposed to know the right thing to do?

Levi glanced around the street. “We should turn back.”

I nodded and we reversed direction and switched hands we were holding.

“Kya hates me.” I dropped my gaze to the street and tried not to cry.

“Grace,” he said, “she doesn't hate you. You didn't do anything wrong.”

I watched a robin fly onto a nearby lawn. He ducked his head down and came up with a worm. I wondered how he'd known how to find it.

“I'm supposed to be there for her. Forever,” I said.

“Says who?”

“The second F in BFF means forever.” A motorcycle whizzed from nowhere and sped past us. I looked at his profile. “Maybe I can be a friend from a distance.”

“Sometimes you have to let people go. Even if you love them,” he said.

I watched the back of the bike as it disappeared around a corner. Maybe looking after Kya really had been a substitute for going after what I wanted. Maybe I could let her go and start thinking about myself.

“Maybe I can't be there for her anymore. But I don't think I can stop caring.”

Without warning, Levi leaned down and pressed his lips on mine. I stopped walking. All of a sudden, I didn't care so much. About anything.

“You can't stop being you. But sometimes new people come in your life for you to care about,” he said, and kissed me again. He grinned, swinging our joined hands up in the air, and bumped his hip against me. “So. Do I get to help you celebrate your birthday tomorrow?” he asked.

“How'd you know about my birthday?” I asked.

“I pay attention.”

I smiled even though the reminder of my birthday made my heart ache. “I have monkey pancakes in the morning.” My birthday tradition included breakfast. It had always been Kya, James, and my family. In my heart, I knew Kya wouldn't come, but I wasn't ready to give up yet on James.

“I also have a paintball game in the afternoon.” I tilted my head. “But I'm free in the evening.”

“Thank God.” Levi grinned. “My aunt and uncle are out of town. I already forbid Lucas from being home. I was really hoping I could make you dinner for your birthday.”

“You cook?” I asked.

“Like I said. Mama's boy.” He bowed at the waist. “At your service. Of course we're talking BBQ hamburgers?”

“It sounds perfect.” Something like hope turned up the corners of my lips.

 

On the morning of my eighteenth birthday, I woke up with a heavy heart. Every year since we'd moved to Tadita, Kya and James would be bouncing on my bed already.

Had James decided not to accept me as a friend? Was he asking for a different choice than what I'd thought? I honestly thought James would be around. Especially on my birthday. James loved birthdays.

Guilt mixed with anger and then turned to sadness. Was it my fault for not feeling the same way about him? I'd thought our friendship was strong enough to take almost anything. Was I now toxic to him the way Kya had become to me? Was he better off without me in his life? The questions brought tears to my eyes and made my nose ache.

I'd never wanted to hurt either of them.

“Monkey pancakes are so great,” Mom sang downstairs. Her voice drifted up to my room and added to the emptiness in my heart. I dragged myself out of bed. Indie brushed past me in the hall.

“Hey. What up, birthday girl?” he said, and pretended to karate-chop me.

I didn't answer or even crack a smile.

“You okay?” He dropped his hands to his sides and frowned.

“No.” I went back to my room and shut the door.

A few seconds later, he knocked softly.

“Go away, Indie,” I said, not caring that my behavior was more fitting of a ten-year-old than an eighteen-year-old.

My best friends were lost. It sunk in and it stung.

Indie walked away from the door. The ache in my heart expanded. I flopped on my bed and stared at the ceiling, feeling a pity party for one coming on.

Soon my door opened again and Mom stuck her head inside. “Can I come in?” She walked in before I answered.

“I'm sorry you're feeling sad on your birthday,” she said.

“I miss them.” I kept my eyes on the ceiling, wishing I could go back. When things were easier and the three of us would be bouncing on the bed, waiting for monkey pancakes from my dad. “Especially James. But Kya too. No matter what.”

Mom leaned against my dresser and I sat up and crossed my legs on the bed.

“Kya was never your problem to fix,” she said.

“Maybe. But I'm worried for her. I mean, I'll always worry. Even if I can't be there for her anymore.”

“You're growing up,” Mom said, and moved closer, sitting down on the end of the bed. “You're doing the right thing, Grace. You have to look after you. Kya's a strong girl. She's going to be okay.”

My feet were chilled. I got up and went to the dresser, opened my sock drawer, and pulled out my yellow SpongeBob socks, a gift from James last Christmas. I sat on the bed beside her and pulled them on.

Mom smiled. “That's my girl. Embracing your inner weird.”

“You're the one who started the sock fetish in this family.” True.

There was another knock on the door and Dad stuck his head in. “Girls only or can I come in?”

“Come in,” I said.

Dad bounced in and kissed me on the forehead. “Happy birthday.” He sat on the bed beside Mom, watching me. “You okay?”

Sighing, I shrugged. “I will be.”

“Of course you will.”

“It's hard losing a friend. Especially your best friend. It's okay for you to symbolically wear black for a while.” Mom reached over to ruffle my bedhead hair even more.

“But maybe not today. Not on your birthday,” Dad said. “I will happily join you in a Ben & Jerry's binge to make you feel better.”

“Ice cream with breakfast might be good,” I said.

“I am here to make these sorts of sacrifices for my family,” Dad said, jumping up. “Red Velvet, Chunky Monkey, and vanilla.”

Mom swatted his butt as he got up to go on his mission. “Vanilla?” she asked, as if it were a surprise after all these years.

“I like my ice cream the way I like my women,” Dad said. “Plain and simple.”

“Then why the hell did you marry me?” Mom winked at him.

“Because for every rule, there is an exception. I'm off to the freezer. Monkey pancakes a la mode.”

We watched him leave. “We're here for you, Grace,” Mom said.

“I know.”

She stood up as if to go, hesitated, and then sat back down. “Indie knows about Kya. I told him. And he understands. He had a girlfriend once who was kind of messed up. She broke his heart. Over and over again.” She pressed her lips tight and then sighed. “Her mom was a drug addict and she still had a lot of issues. He wanted to help her, but he finally had to let go.”

“Shari?” I gasped, remembering the drama that had gone on in the house a few years back. Breakups. Reconciliations. Moody Indie and then she'd disappeared.

“Yup. It was hard for him. He really cared about her.”

“Wow. I didn't know.” I rubbed my nose and tugged my earring. “I always thought Indie messed that up. He hasn't been serious about anyone since.”

“It hurt him. Some people cause a lot of pain without really meaning to.” She reached over and patted my knee.

Tears sprung up in my eyes and the hurt inside throbbed. “I miss Kya.”

She nodded. “I know. You'll have to allow yourself time to mourn, Grace. When you lose a best friend, well, it's like the death of a loved one or breaking up with a boyfriend. Hard.”

“But it's the right thing?”

She leaned forward and, for the first time in a long time, hugged me close. I clung on for dear life. “In your heart, you already know,” she whispered into the top of my head. “You know it was the right thing. For you.”

“But what about James?” I tried to blink them back but tears spilled out of my eyes, racing each other down my cheeks.

Mom let go and wiped my tears away with her fingers. “No crying on your birthday. Come on downstairs.” She stood up, held out her hand, and waited for me to go down with her.

From the stairs, I saw Indie at the kitchen table, setting out the dishes. He glanced up. “Mom tell you Kya's not working at Splatterfest anymore?” he asked as I walked down the stairs.

Mom shushed him. “Lord, Indie, have you heard of tact?” she asked.

“What?” Indie said. “Grace needs to know.” He waved a fork at me before placing it down at the proper place setting. “She called and gave Dad her notice this morning. She didn't show up for her shift last night.”

I sighed and walked past the living room into the kitchen. It smelled like pancakes and brewing coffee. I pressed my lips tight and sighed.

“You okay?” Dad asked. “Ice cream is on the counter.”

“I'll be all right.” I glanced at him in front of the grill, wearing his bikini apron, pouring pancake batter into his monkey mold.

“What about James?” I asked softly.

“What about him?” Dad asked.

“Did he put in his notice too?” I asked.

“Why would I do that?” a familiar voice piped up.

I spun around. My heart tripped with happiness. James was watching us from the living room. He sat on the floor, in front of our TV playing Nintendo. I'd missed him when I walked by.

“James! You came!” I ran to the living room.

“Well, I couldn't exactly miss monkey pancakes and Nintendo on your birthday, could I?”

I plunked down on the carpet beside him. “James!” I shouted and then punched him on the arm. “Why didn't you come to my room?”

“Ouch.” He frowned at me and rubbed his arm. “I think that's something I have to give up for a while.”

“Are we still friends?” I asked, as if I were a little kid.

“Grace,” he said, “you're my best friend. That's not going to change.”

I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed as hard as I could.

“Awww,” Mom yelled from the kitchen. “Hold that pose, I need to grab my camera.”

We both groaned and he pushed me away and held out a controller.

“Prepare to have your ass kicked,” he said. “I'm not holding back because it's your birthday.”

I couldn't stop grinning at him but didn't take the controller.

“Stop staring at me.” He rolled his eyes. “Nice socks.”

“I got them from my best friend,” I said.

He pointed to a gift bag sitting by his feet. “If you're not going to play the game, at least open your present.”

I reached for it and pulled out a silver bracelet. A charm hung from it. Best Friends Forever.

“So what about this cute girl you've been bugging me about?” he asked. “Chantelle? You going to introduce me or just dangle the promise of her in my face?”

I hugged him close. “I am definitely introducing you. How about tonight?”

We'd work out a new normal.

After breakfast, I called Levi and asked him if I could bring a friend or two to dinner. And then I got my gear together for the game.

Kya would be there. That part I was dreading.