How Not To Commit Murder - comedy crime - humorous mystery (42 page)

‘To add insult to injury, I got a phone call at ten o’clock on New Year’s Day from some mad woman from a car rental agency, ranting and raving about how you hadn’t returned her MG, and she and her boyfriend were supposed to be going away and their plans were ruined. Of course I had no idea what she was talking about and she said she’d have to report it to the police as a stolen car. I said, ‘Go right ahead, he’s already in jail.’ Then she swore at me and hung up. After everything that had happened, that was the last thing I needed.

‘Then your solicitor called around the next day and gave me the keys to the MG and your suit. I rang the car rental woman back and said I had the car keys and she said the car had been returned to her, along with a bill for parking overnight in the car park and another from the towing company – a total of five hundred dollars – and she was passing them both on to you. Then she said she had possession of your scooter and would sell it to recoup some of her losses. I told her that was illegal and she swore at me again, and said if I wanted it I’d have to come around right then and there and pick it up.

‘I’ve put up with a lot for you, Reuben, but being sworn at by a woman I’ve never even met, about a car I had no idea you’d hired, is more than any wife should have to put up with. I’m not going to ask why you hired it – I can see that it’s perfectly logical that driving around in a beat-up MG when you have a perfectly good scooter and a car at your disposal is all part of the plan to save your parole officer from being blown up. I went round there and picked up the Barbiemobile – not for you, but because I knew how much Jo and Indya wanted it, so that’s where it is at the moment. You’ll have to use all of your charm and more if you want it back.

‘I’ve given up the lease on the house and moved back in with Mum and Dad. I need to be somewhere I can get some support. You can come around when you get out and pick up your things.

‘That’s all I wanted to say. I’m so disappointed in you. You have so much potential but you’re just throwing it all away. I’ve given this a lot of thought, it’s a big decision to end a marriage after only six months, but it seems we are travelling along different paths. I still love you, but it’s obviously not enough for you.

Carlene

‘PS AND you stole Pastor Bryan’s mobile phone! Being the generous, saintly person that he is, he’s forgiven you – not that you’d care.’

Her letter had evoked mixed emotions – sadness, but also relief. Because they’d both known it wasn’t working and neither wanted to be the first to say it. Reuben wondered why he’d ever thought it would. What had he been thinking – marrying someone he’d known for only two months and only from within the confines of prison? It was a huge, foolhardy leap into the unknown – like taking a plunge into a rock pool that looked cool and inviting from the top of the cliff, not being able to see what lay beneath the water, but just shutting your eyes and hoping for the best. A triumph of optimism over realism. But then no one had ever accused him of being a realist.

He realised the cab driver had said something. ‘Pardon?’

‘What number, mate?’

Reuben looked around. They were on Ibis Street already. Time flew when you were contemplating your failures.

‘Thirty-three, thanks.’

Jo and Wayne’s Range Rover was parked in front of the house. Jesus, the whole family was here to welcome him home. The cab pulled up behind it.

‘Would you mind waiting?’ Reuben said. ‘I just have to collect some things.’

The driver nodded and turned the engine and the meter off. ‘Take your time, mate, I’ll have a smoke break.’

Reuben opened the front gate and walked up the zigzag pebble path. Late afternoon was slowly fading around the spotless lawn and immaculate flowerbeds. There was something artificial and staged about the front garden, its stillness and neatness. You could put a frame around it and hang it on the wall.

Children’s voices and splashes floated around from the rear of the house. They were out at the pool. He wondered whether Wayne and Jo were here because they knew he was coming. If anything, he thought they would have gone out of their way to avoid him, but perhaps Wayne wanted to exact revenge. Good luck to him, he could beat Reuben to a pulp but he wouldn’t lay a finger on him. There was no way he was going to cop another assault charge and parole suspension.

He pressed the doorbell, heart hammering. He had a vision of the family lurking behind the front door and as soon as he stepped inside, falling upon him and tearing him to pieces, like a pack of wild dogs. The door opened and Nancy stood there. Just one mean-eyed bull terrier.

She stood aside to let him in. ‘Stay here,’ she barked, as if he were liable to run riot through the house and make off with the silver.

She went to the bottom of the internal staircase and called out, ‘Carlene!’

As she turned to go back into the house, Reuben said, ‘Just a minute, Nancy.’

She stopped.

‘I remember what you said about making Carlene unhappy and I’m really sorry it didn’t work out. I gave it my best shot. We weren’t a good match in the first place.’

‘You won’t get any argument from me there,’ Nancy said.

‘And whatever Carlene’s told you, I wasn’t having an affair. There was stuff going on I couldn’t tell her about but it was nothing to do with other women.’

She pursed her lips. ‘I’ve got work to do. Is that all?’

‘Yes. Oh, and I’m sorry about Wayne and ... all that,’ he ended lamely.

Her bosom heaved as she gave a sigh of resignation. ‘Out of everything you’ve done, that’s the only thing I don’t blame you for.’

She swept out of the room. Was that a smile he’d seen? For all of two seconds?

Carlene appeared at the top of the stairs holding two suitcases, and with a backpack slung over her shoulder. She was barefoot but still in her work clothes.

‘Hi,’ Reuben said. He bounded up the stairs to relieve her of the suitcases, glad of the opportunity to do something rather than have to think of something to say. He carried them down the stairs and placed them on the floor beside the front door.

Carlene followed him down and handed him the backpack and a large envelope.

‘What’s this?’

‘Bills. Like I said in my letter – car park, towing and there’s a late fee for your suit because it was three days late by the time I got a chance to return it. I was very tempted to not to return it at all so you’d have pay the full replacement cost, but lucky for you I’m not a vindictive person.’

‘No, well … thanks.’

‘Plenty of women would have, though.’

‘Yes. Thank you for not succumbing to the temptation.’

She looked thinner and more fragile. Her hair was cut to shoulder-length with auburn highlights, giving her face a warmer look. Women often changed their hairstyles after a relationship break-up, a literal washing of the man out of their hair. She could have at least waited until he’d collected his gear.

‘I like your hair,’ he said.

She put her hand to her hair and smoothed it self-consciously behind her ears. ‘Thanks.’

‘Honey, I’m really...’

‘Don’t call me honey.’ Her voice trembled. ‘And please don’t say you’re sorry – it’s meaningless and totally inadequate for the situation.’

‘I’m sorry – I mean, I’m sorry I was going to say sorry. I’ll go, I’ve got a cab waiting outside.’

‘Indya wants to see you. I told her she couldn’t, but…’ She shrugged. ‘You know what she’s like.’

‘Oh ... okay.’ Reuben put the backpack down next to the suitcases. Carlene nodded in the direction of the back deck. ‘She’s in the pool.’

He trod hesitantly through the house, half expecting Nancy to appear from nowhere and order him to freeze with his hands in the air.

Alec and Wayne sat at the outdoor table, drinks beside them and a large array of snacks laid out on the table. Jo was bobbing up and down in the pool with the children, to the accompaniment of their shrieks of excitement.

Alec and Wayne looked up as Reuben stepped outside. Wayne was in a pair of board shorts and nothing else, his stubby of beer perched on the distended, matted-curl shelf of his belly. His lip curled.

‘Well, look who’s here, Anthony Mundine himself.’

‘Hullo,’ Reuben said.

Alec nodded. ‘Hullo.’ His eyes were wary. He looked to beyond the pool, where Nancy was in the garden clipping away at the mayflower bush with a large pair of garden clippers. The ferocity of her attack on the hapless bush suggested she may well have been imagining Reuben’s balls adorning its branches.

‘I hope you’re not here to apologise,’ Wayne said.

‘I’m here to say hullo to Indya,’ Reuben said. ‘At her request.’

‘Just as well,’ Wayne said, ‘because no apology could make up for what you’ve done.’

Reuben said nothing. He glanced at Wayne. There was not the slightest mark on his face to signify what had happened. After all, it was over a month ago.

‘So you’re not going to talk to me at all now?’ Wayne said.

Reuben was saved from replying, or
not
replying, by the children spying him from the pool.

Indya waved frantically. ‘Hullo, Uncle Reuben!’ She swam to the edge and climbed out. ‘Mum, can I go and say hullo to Uncle Reuben?’

Jo hauled herself and Brayden out of the pool, and opened the gate.

‘Don’t run, Indya!’

Indya dashed across the tiled area to the deck. She had on a pink polka dot swimsuit and looked taller and longer-limbed than when he’d last seen her. She flung herself at him and wrapped her arms around his waist, dripping water all over his jeans and sandshoes. A lump rose in his throat. It was the first time she’d shown him any physical affection. So this was what it took for his niece to like him – a month in prison.

Indya looked up at him. ‘Are you back from jail, Uncle Reuben?’

‘That’s a stupid question,’ her father said.

‘Wayne!’ Jo was approaching the deck with Brayden squirming in her arms.

‘I didn’t say she was stupid; I said the question was stupid.’

Brayden wriggled out of Jo’s arms. The drawstring in his swimmers had come loose, and they hovered perilously close to full exposure. Following his sister’s lead, he raced over to Reuben and wrapped his chubby arms around his legs, bringing a fresh round of dripping water to his damp jeans.

Indya shoved at him. ‘I got here first!’

Brayden let forth a piercing howl.

‘Steady on,’ Reuben said, ‘you can share me. There’s plenty to go round.’

Their enthusiasm, while touching, also made him feel awkward – it accentuated the fact he was there only under the sufferance of the rest of the family.

‘And yes,’ he said to Indya. ‘I am out of jail.’

‘Did the jailer have a big key hanging on his belt? And lock you in a cell?’

‘Something like that.’

‘Indya honey, I’m sure Uncle Reuben would rather not talk about it,’ Jo said.

‘By all means, tell us all about it,’ Wayne said. ‘True confessions of a reformed criminal. You could be in the next
Underbelly
series.’

‘Wayne, mate, I think you’ve said enough,’ Alec said.

‘No, I bloody well haven’t.’ Wayne looked at Reuben, his eyes narrowed to slits in his pouchy face. ‘You’re lucky I’m not the vindictive type, otherwise you’d be out cold on the floor right now instead of standing there with that smug look on your face.’

He nodded to Alec. ‘Could you pass me another one, please?’

Alec reached down into the esky at his feet and passed another bottle to Wayne. It was then that Reuben noticed it was ginger beer.

‘Uncle Reuben, are you taking the Barbiemobile home?’ Indya asked, her eyes imploring.

Reuben smiled down at her. ‘No, Indya, you can keep it, I think it will be much happier at your place.’

‘Yippee!’ Indya yelled.

‘Ippee!’ Brayden echoed.

Reuben looked across at Jo. A flicker of gratitude sparked in her eyes before she looked quickly away.

‘Anyway, I have to go,’ Reuben said. There was an awkward pause. ‘Goodbye, and thanks ... for everything.’

Wayne opened his mouth, looked at Alec then closed it.

‘Bye, Uncle Reuben!’ Indya said. She gave him a wave and raced back towards the pool.

‘Bye!’ Brayden echoed, toddling after her. His swimmers lost their battle to stay up, exposing his pudgy white buttocks, but he kept on regardless. Undoubtedly neither of them was aware it was probably the last time they’d see him.

Reuben went inside, heaviness in the pit of his stomach. He picked up his suitcases at the front door. Carlene appeared from the kitchen, holding a mug of coffee. What did you say at the end of a marriage? Words were too simple – and too complicated.

‘Bye,’ he said.

‘Bye,’ Carlene said. She nodded at the suitcases. ‘If I’ve missed anything, let me know.’

She turned away quickly and walked out.

As Reuben walked down the front path with his luggage, Jo came running around from the side of the house.

‘Reuben!’

He stopped. She had a towel wrapped around her over her swimmers. Her damp hair hung over her face, partially obscuring it. Her cheeks reddened as she met his eyes.

‘I’m sorry about Wayne being so rude. He’s really angry at you.’

Reuben shrugged. ‘I can’t blame him for that.’

‘Yes and no. What you did was wrong, but he was behaving so horribly that night that I realised how much of a problem he’s got. So I told him that if he didn’t give up drinking, I’d leave him. And take the kids. Of course he didn’t want to but he had no choice. We’re going to counselling too, which he doesn’t like. And he thinks it’s all your fault.’

The counselling hadn’t made Wayne any less obnoxious. But maybe it was a matter of time. Reuben felt a pang of sympathy for her.

‘It’s okay. I really hope you two can sort things out.’

She gave a tentative smile. ‘Thanks.’ She looked down at her feet. ‘And I’m sorry about the whole … you know ... paedophile thing. It’s just that being a mother, I’d kill anyone who laid a finger on...’

‘It’s all right, no hard feelings.’

The cab driver beeped his horn. ‘Gotta go.’

She darted forward and gave him a peck on the cheek. ‘Goodbye. I hope things work out for you too.’