How to Get Famous (2 page)

SUNDAY MARCH 7TH

2.00 p.m.

I just have to walk out of my house, go
down two roads, and there, right at the
end of Baker Close is – Hollywood.

I kid you not. You only have to open the
door to Georgia's house and there's
Leonardo DiCaprio beaming at you in the
hallway, and written underneath the
picture in his own completely genuine
handwriting is: '
Good luck, Leonardo
DiCaprio
.'

Step into the dining room and Brad Pitt
is waiting for you . . . with a personally
inscribed authentic message. And well,
you name the star, you'll find them all
here.

And right in the corner of the dining
room, underneath a huge personally
signed snap of Tom Cruise displaying all
his teeth, is a small black-and-white photo
of a girl in a scene from a 1970s film called
The Lost Unicorn
. It's about a little girl
who thinks there's a unicorn in her garden
at night and she goes off and has
adventures with him. I bet you've seen it;
it's on every single Christmas.

The little girl in it has big, wide eyes
and she's signed the picture. She's called
Marina Thompson
– and she's also
Georgia's mum.

She never had another success to equal
The Lost Unicorn
. She says she was badly
managed and her parents didn't have the
knowledge to guide her. But she still loves
show business and although she works
part-time in a shop called 'Other Worldes',
which sells crystals and stuff like that, her
main interest is buying and selling
celebrity autographs. She's also certain
Georgia has inherited her acting talent, so
when destiny taps Georgia on the shoulder
she'll know exactly how to help her.

That night she handed out some photographs
and posters of the stars who were
in tonight's film premiere. 'If you can,'
she said, 'try and get them to sign just
above their heads.' Next she gave out
small white cards; these were for any
other celebrities who turned up. 'Cards
are so much better than paper for signatures.'
She said this very seriously, just
as if we were going off on a field trip at
school.

But then she smiled at Georgia and me
and said, 'Well, I think you both look
marvellous. And it's so important to make
an effort for events like these.'

Next we should have stepped into a taxi.
But money for Georgia and her mum is a
bit tight, especially after Georgia's dad
walked out on them both last year (that's
why they downsized here). So instead, we
all scurried down the road to catch the
bus.

'The bus stops right by the station so it'll
get us there nearly as fast as a taxi,' said
Georgia's mum.

Georgia and I both nodded in agreement.

'But one day,' I whispered to Georgia,
'we'll get a taxi all the way to London without
even thinking about it.'

4.45 p.m.

The train was nearly twenty minutes late
and there was a hold up on the underground,
so we arrived in Leicester Square
a bit later than we'd planned.

Still, I was immediately struck by the
awesome splendour of the Odeon,
Leicester Square, and especially those two
words in huge, glittering letters: FILM
PREMIERE. I knew then I was right at
the centre of everything that mattered.

Already there were camera crews being
set up and people rushing about and
babbling into mobiles. And then we
watched this team of men on their hands
and knees rolling out the red carpet, which
made us feel really behind the scenes.
Then I said to Georgia's mum, 'Wouldn't it
be funny if someone recognized you from
being in
The Lost Unicorn
?'

She threw back her head and sighed.
'I'm afraid, Tobey, that was a very long
time ago.' Then she shook herself and said,
'Come on, we need to move very quickly
now.'

So we followed her as she expertly
weaved her way through the crowds of
people. She kept looking round to check we
were following her. 'Do try and keep up,'
she urged. She tunnelled right to the front
of the crowd.

'Is this where you normally stand?'
asked Georgia.

'Yes, it's a good spot for catching a star's
eye.'

In front of us was this barrier which
seemed to stretch on for miles. Meanwhile,
there were tons of security people – all in
big coats, despite it being a warm day –
dashing about with walkie talkies.

Georgia's mum made us check our pens
('there's nothing worse than when a star
comes over to sign and your pen runs out'),
then she introduced us to a man in the
crowd called Reuben. He was another
regular, like her. 'Look at this,' he
demanded excitedly. He showed us this
card with an illegible scrawl across it. 'I
was at Euston Station when I spotted him:
the guy who used to be in
The Bill
.'

'What's his name?' I asked.

'Couldn't tell you – but it's him all right.'

5.15 p.m.

The atmosphere is just incredible now;
there are swarms of people including this
crowd of teenagers right behind us,
squawking and shrieking every time a
black limo rolls up.

And the first person to strut out was
this girl who nearly won
Big Brother
last
year. She was holding up a book and
shrieking that the second volume of her
autobiography would be in the shops next
week.

Then a curly-haired boy who used to be
in
Casualty
hopped out of a limo. The
teenagers behind us all held up their
camera phones.

Some other girls began waving scraps of
paper at the
Casualty
star as he came over
to us, screaming: 'We love you.' But
actually it was Georgia's card he signed,
giving her a tiny little kiss under his
signature as well.

Georgia started babbling. 'Oh, I've gone
all hot with shock. And I don't even really
like him, but it's so exciting.'

'Your very first autograph,' murmured
her mum proudly.

6.45 p.m.

An incredible thing has just occurred. And
I want to tell you about it right away while
it's crystal clear in my head. So I'll ignore
the other stars we saw and get straight
to . . .

We knew something momentous was
due when two policemen lumbered over
and told us to get right back from the
barricades, which we all did until they
looked away, and then we all surged forward
again.

For this lecture from the police meant
only thing: the star of the film would be
moving among us.

'Now just stay calm,' whispered
Georgia's mum to us, 'but I really think
Johnny Depp's about to appear.'

Five minutes later her prediction came
true. There, stepping out of a huge, silver
car, was indeed . . . Johnny Depp! Georgia
and I grinned in an amazed way at each
other, unable to believe he was just a few
metres away from us.

He was wearing a blue check cowboy
shirt with the collar turned up, a skinny
black tie and a trilby hat. He was in a suit,
his hair was dead scruffy but in a highly
fashionable way and he had a bit of a
beard.

All these flashbulbs started up, and
there was this sea of white light all around
him, while everyone began screeching:
'Johnny, Johnny,' just as if they were
cheering on a horse at the races. It was
mad and tense and incredibly exciting all
at once.

And then Johnny Depp half glided and
half strutted over to us. People were really
bawling at him now, while others thrust
their posters as close to him as they could,
but I hardly said a word, which isn't like me.
I was a bit overwhelmed, I suppose, being so
close for the first time to a mega-star.

Then, quite suddenly, I remembered
reading somewhere that Johnny Depp
loved animals. So I launched into my
impression of a highly excitable puppy. I
did the full routine: high-pitched yelps and
barks. And Johnny Depp turned towards
me right away, a little smile playing across
his lips. 'Hey, Johnny, you big pirate, sign
this, will you?' I cried, waving my poster at
him. 'And make me a millionaire.' Another
grin crossed his lips. He and I were really
connecting. He clearly loved both my
animal impressions and my sense of
humour.

Then, in one swift movement, he'd
seized hold of my pen and signed his
superb name just above his head on the
poster. It was over in a flash.

Yet there it was, Johnny Depp's true autograph.
He moved over to someone else then,
just like an athlete, so graceful and fast.
And he seemed totally unaware of the
policemen glowering behind him. No, he
appeared totally relaxed and at ease as if we
were all meeting up at a huge party. Then
he gave this big wave to us all and was
sauntering off when I yelled out to him, 'Hey
Johnny, thanks a million for the autograph.'
I gave another little puppy yelp too.

And do you know what he did? He
turned round and grinned right at me
again. And then he was surrounded by
some very boring and very rich-looking
people. After which he moved pretty
smartly up that red carpet and
disappeared into a glamorous, glittering
place that we out here could only dream
about.

And everyone was crowding round
admiring the autograph.
Georgia's mum was telling me to blow
on the ink to dry it. And Reuben was
instructing me to be sure and hold it at the
sides as you didn't want it ruined with
dirty great fingerprints, while Georgia
just looked so happy for me. Johnny Depp
hadn't signed for anyone else around me
either. I was his chosen one.

It was a knock-out moment. I felt so
proud and yet . . .

No, no, that's really silly. I'm not even
going to write down what I also thought.

7.25 p.m.

Some other stars arrived – Georgia's mum
got four more autographs. But I just stood
there in a daze. Georgia's mum thought
I was still in shock after bagging an
autograph from just about the biggest
movie star in the world. And it was partly
that. But there was something else, as
Georgia suspected.

And later when Georgia's mum was
discussing tonight's haul of autographs
with Reuben and a couple of other
collectors, Georgia took me aside. 'You
should be really happy tonight,' she said.

'I am,' I said at once.

'No, you're not.'

I looked away. Sometimes Georgia knew
me so well it was annoying. And then I
told her what I couldn't even bear to tell
you because it sounded so greedy.

I said, 'Tonight, Georgia, Johnny Depp
enjoyed my animal impressions and on
more than one occasion laughed at my
jokes. But . . . and this is going to sound
insane.'

'I don't care, just say it.'

'Well, Johnny and me were getting on so
well, I didn't want him to just sign my
picture – and this is really crazy – I
wanted him to say, "Hey, I've got a spare
ticket for this premiere and as you and I
are getting on so well, how would you like
to come along as my guest?" Wouldn't it
have been sheer genius if he'd done that?'

'Oh yeah it would have been,' agreed
Georgia. 'Pretty unlikely though. I mean,
he probably didn't have any spare tickets
on him for a start. And the people in
charge might have been really angry with
Johnny Depp if he'd just invited in people
off the street.'

'But I'm not just someone off the street,'
I said. 'And if I'd been allowed inside I bet
Johnny and me would have been the best
of mates by now. It'll never happen now
though, and I'll always be stuck on the
outside of film premieres looking in.'

'Don't say that,' said Georgia.

'Why not?' I cried.

'Because you've got to believe that one
day you'll get that lucky break.'

'OK,' I muttered.

'No, honestly, Mum says it's absolutely
vital you believe in yourself.'

'Yeah, all right.' I looked across at the
Odeon, Leicester Square. 'So one day,
Georgia, you and I will stroll right inside
that kingdom of magic.'

'We definitely will,' said Georgia. Then
she added, 'But we won't forget our fans.'

'Oh no, we'll sign zillions of autographs.
And we won't need personal shoppers and
bodyguards and stylists.'

'Actually, I wouldn't mind a stylist,' said
Georgia, then she giggled. 'And how about
a totally buff personal trainer?' She
giggled again.

'You can have the stylist,' I said sternly.
'But that's all.'

'I was only joking about the personal
trainer,' she said.

I nodded. 'Because at all times we want
to keep it real.'

'Yeah, we must always do that,' said
Georgia. 'And we'll still do ordinary things
– like get the bus.'

'Even when we've sold the movie rights
to our lives,' I said. Then I went on. 'All the
money and stuff will, of course, be brilliant
– but what I'd really like is for someone to
come up to me – old or young, I don't care
– and say they want to shake my hand for
cheering up their life.'