How to Get the Friends You Want (11 page)

Over the last few weeks, Dennis had got really used to being brushed and he loved it. He closed his eyes, which it says in my book that rabbits hardly ever do, because they're prey animals and if they go to sleep in the open something might come along and eat them.

Even when Dad walked in all full of himself, crying, ‘Mission accomplished!' Dennis hardly budged. He pricked one ear up and then dropped it down again. That's how relaxed he was.

‘The guys were a man down after the first match because Jay put his back out again,' Dad told us. ‘They were pretty glad to see me. “Come on then, Daphne,” they said. We finished fourth, which was better than last year.'

‘And the agony aunts?' said Mum.

‘They were really nice about it. They said everyone makes mistakes and leading people up the garden path probably did count as one – but the point was I came clean in the end, and that was what mattered.'

Mr Kaminski looked worried. ‘You haf told them I am writing problem page?'

Dad reassured him that he hadn't told them any such thing. He had merely said a friend was writing it for him.

‘And the best thing is, I haven't even blown my cover, Mr K. It turns out agony aunts have a Code of Silence and they never pass anything on. So there won't be any questions asked and everyone else will still think Daphne is me.'

‘Is good,' said Mr Kaminski. ‘I am not liking lemon-light.'

‘Limelight,' Gran corrected him.

Dad went to have a shower, Gran and Mr Kaminski took the problem page letters upstairs to the sitting-room to go through his grammar, Primrose flounced off to her bedroom, and Mum followed to try and talk some sense into her.

I stopped brushing Dennis and put him down on the rug. He was a star, staying calm and still like that. He deserved a reward. I found his bag of rabbit treats and took one out. It looked like a chocolate button.

I was just holding it out to him when suddenly I got an idea. If I were to place it gently on his nose like Becky did with the penny, would he stay still and not eat it?

Now, that would be a very impressive trick!

Mum had said she would buy a travel box for Dennis to take him to the pet parade, but what with running the business and doing Gran's garden and having to cook all those winter vegetables, she forgot.

‘I feel terrible,' she said. ‘How are you going to manage? I can't even find a cardboard box.'

‘I'll carry him. It's not far. He'll prefer it anyway.'

I held him against my shoulder with one hand and wrapped my fleecy scarf round him with the other. He was used to living indoors in the warm and it says in You and Your Rabbit that rabbits can catch a chill if you aren't careful.

Dennis's whiskers were in overdrive as we walked up the zig-zag path and both his ears were up. Mum was hovering round him like a clucky hen, worried her chick might run away. Dad, Matt and Primrose brought up the rear.

It was the first year Sam hadn't been in the pet parade, which felt a bit sad, but Matt's little brother was entering their other dog, Dasher. She was a liver-and-white Spaniel and completely nuts – her name said it all.

We arrived at the same time as Gran and Jane, who had walked up from the Happy Haddock together. As we were going in we heard a shout and turned to see Mr Kaminski huffing towards us.

Becky's stall was in a prime spot just inside the door, and she had a queue of people waiting to buy raffle tickets. Her mum was helping on the tombola and her dad was handing out leaflets and freebies, and chatting to people about the RSPCA.

There was a great long trestle table all the way down one side for the pets and a show table
at the far end in front of the stage. There was a rope barrier to keep people a few feet back from the pets so they wouldn't be upset by everyone crowding round.

The long pet table was divided into sections with the cats first, then small pets, then unusual pets. There was an area cordoned off on the other side of the hall for dogs – you couldn't expect them to sit in cages and travel boxes.

Dennis's space was number 14, between a noisy white floor-mop of a guinea pig and Heavenly Honeybun. I couldn't put him down because he didn't have a box.

Sasha, Tammy and Abina said he was cute, though they obviously meant cute for a non-fancy rabbit. Heavenly Honeybun, all fluffed-up and gorgeous in her pink travel box, gave Dennis a super-snooty look.

‘Where's Pookie?' I said.

He was tethered to a coat-hook at the end of the hall, all on his own. The organisers had told Abina she couldn't tie his lead to the table leg next to his space because the table wasn't heavy enough to hold him if he got boisterous.

‘I told them he's properly trained, he won't get boisterous,' Abina said. ‘Honestly, don't they realise that pigs are the fourth cleverest animal in the world?'

Pookie sat down without anyone even asking him to, as if to say, See how clever I am! His skin looked shiny under his bristles, and his beady eyes were bright and alert.

‘Who's a pretty boy?' said Mrs Bolitho's parrot from its tall cage in the middle of the unusual pets. I didn't think he sounded quite as confident as usual.

Me and Dennis walked the whole length of the pets table. There were seven different kinds of cat, several guinea pigs and rats, six rabbits, some hamsters and gerbils, a ferret, a chinchilla, a budgie and a parrot, two snakes, a tarantula, a big lizard and lots more, all lined up in their cages, tanks and boxes.

Matt called me over to say hello to Dasher in the dogs' corner. Dennis wasn't at all bothered, even though some of those dogs would have had him for dinner.

He might jump and thump at sudden noises such as a knock on the door, he might do mad dashes and get territorial about his hutch, but he definitely wasn't scared of dogs, he was so used to Sam.

He wasn't scared of people milling around and being noisy either. Well, he wouldn't be – there was plenty of that at home.

When I took him back to Space 14 and put him on the table, he sat there quite happily watching the world go by. I did keep one hand around his chest and stroke him with the other one though, just in case something should spook him.

There were five prizes to be won – Best Dog, Best Cat, Best Small Pet, Best Unusual Pet and the top prize, Best in Show. It was obvious that Pookie would win Best Unusual Pet because he was up against spiders and snakes and stuff, and they couldn't do tricks like sitting down or lying down when their owner gave the order. The only other pet in his category that could do anything interesting was Mrs Bolitho's parrot, and he was looking even tattier than last year.

Heavenly Honeybun was definitely the most beautiful pet in the small pets section, but Dennis might be in with a chance if she won Best in Show because then Best Small Pet would still be up for grabs.

Toby's little sister Leah came to say hello, with Toby and Jess close behind. They had a good luck card for Dennis. When I showed it to him he grabbed it in his teeth and started to nibble the corner.

‘He's going to need all the luck he can get,' I said, taking it off him.

There was a sudden hush in the hall and everyone turned expectantly towards the door. In walked the two judges. The organisers had somehow managed to get Rory MacAteer, the TV vet off ‘Mac's Animals', as well as Mrs Mayhew-Carter who Dad said had been judging everything in Polgotherick since the Stone Age.

‘She awarded me second prize in a fancydress competition when I was in primary school,' he said. ‘Actually, I'm sure she was wearing that suit!'

It was a matching skirt and jacket with square shoulders, made of slippery material with a bright blue and green swirly pattern that made your eyes feel funny.

‘Good afternoon, everybody!' said Mrs Mayhew-Carter, as soon as she was in position behind the judges' table. Rory MacAteer fell in beside her with his hands in the pockets of his famous brown combats, smiling broadly.

Mrs Mayhew-Carter gave a short speech which everyone listened to politely except for a Dachshund in the dogs' area that suddenly started barking and wouldn't stop. That was one dog who wouldn't be taking home any prizes!

They started with the cats. I don't know much about cats so I hadn't heard of any of the breeds except Burmese and Siamese.

Mrs Mayhew-Carter introduced each cat while its owner got it out of its travel box and brought it to the judges' table.

‘Our first entry in this category is Gertie. She's a British Longhair, aged three.'

The judges looked at each cat standing up and sitting down. They asked the owner some questions and made some notes on their clipboards. Some of the cats didn't like it when the Dachshund started up again, but he was like a barking machine without a stop button.

The judges decided to do the dogs next. Maybe they were hoping the owner of the Dachshund might take him outside once he'd had his turn. The dog section was a bit different because as well as standing each dog on the table, asking questions and taking notes, the judges wanted to see the dogs walking to heel and obeying orders to sit and lie down.

After the dogs came the unusual pets. The boy with the tarantula dropped it before he got to the judges' table, which caused a stir, but it just sat there and waited for him to pick it up again. Maybe it was old, or lazy, or maybe tarantulas are the sloths of the spider world.

Mrs Bolitho's parrot refused to say ‘Who's a pretty boy,' even when she kept prompting him. He was probably bored with the pet parade. I
don't know where parrots come in the league table of cleverest animals, but I bet they're quite high up.

‘Last but not least in this section, we have Pookie,' said Mrs Mayhew-Carter. ‘He's two years old and he's a pot-bellied pig!'

Tammy unhitched his lead and led him towards the judges table. He couldn't stand on it because he'd break it, so the judges came round in front of it to look at him. Tammy said ‘Sit!' and Pookie sat. She said, ‘Lie down!' and he lay down. Then she walked him up and down in front of the judges before telling him to sit again.

Pookie looked very pleased with himself. The judges asked Tammy how long she had had him and some general questions about pot-bellied pigs. They were obviously impressed.

Mrs Mayhew-Carter reached back to get her clip-board off the table and Pookie's head shot up. His long snout got a whiff of something and he homed in like a sweet-seeking missile.

Gnash! Pookie sank his teeth into the bottom of Mrs Mayhew-Carter's jacket and pulled a huge chunk of the shiny material clean away. A half-eaten packet of Polo mints dropped out and rolled across the floor.

Mrs Mayhew-Carter screamed. Pookie lurched after the Polo mints, pulling Tammy right off
her feet. The crowd edged two steps back, not knowing whether he was about to go on the rampage.

Rory MacAteer laughed and then got really embarrassed about it.

‘It's not funny, young man,' snapped Mrs Mayhew-Carter. ‘I've had this suit for twenty-five years!'

‘I'm so sorry,' he mumbled, picking up the chunk of jacket Pookie had flung on the floor. ‘Of course it's not funny. It was just a surprise.'

Pookie chewed up his Polo mints, wrapping and all, and then trotted back to his corner by the coat-pegs, dragging Tammy after him.

Mrs Mayhew-Carter patted her hair down and pursed her lips. She took a deep breath, and made some notes about Pookie on her clip-board. I don't suppose they were very positive.

The small pets were all a bit agitated by the commotion, shuffling and squeaking in their cages and travel boxes. Dennis didn't bat an eyelid at the screams and drama. He lives in the same house as Primrose, enough said.

The first small pet was a hamster called Gilligan. His owner was a very small girl with blonde fluffy hair and a lisp. When the judges asked her questions, she whispered her answers. ‘He'th very nithe but he thleepth all day.'

When it was Heavenly Honeybun's turn the crowd oohed and aahed with admiration. Tammy put her carefully down on the judges' table. She was wearing cream-coloured leather gloves but they were much smaller than the gardening gloves so you hardly noticed them.

Heavenly Honeybun wouldn't sit still. She hopped to the front of the table and looked down. Rory MacAteer, seeing she was about to jump, reached out to stop her. She spun round and bit his finger.

‘Ouch!' cried Rory MacAteer.

Thump! Heavenly Honeybun hit the floor running and raced for the door.

Becky pushed her sign-board across it just in time, so she had to divert. She whizzed round the edge of the hall. Tammy made a grab for her, hoiked her up into the air and carried her back to her travel-box, kicking like a kangaroo.

The audience were having a brilliant time but Mrs Mayhew-Carter and Rory MacAteer seemed to be going off the whole thing. She looked as if she was sucking a lemon as she announced that Dennis was next.