How to Ruin Your Boyfriend's Reputation (24 page)

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"Obviously I got my facts wrong. Subject over."

Time to start a new subject. I crane my head, looking for Nathan. Ronit is handing him a small shovel. Gross-- he's about to dig himself a hole to poop in. He's probably about to Poop the Loof. I shudder thinking about it. "Listen," I tell Tori. "Nathan broke up with me."

"It probably had something to do with you staring at that guy Avi all the time," she says.

"No. It had something to do with you."

She looks at me like I'm crazy. "Me?"

"Yeah. Nathan likes you. He thinks you're pretty and fun...when you're not glaring, sneering, or insulting everyone."

Tori places her sleeping bag on the ground next to mine. "Nathan isn't my type," she says.

"Why not? Sure, he's a pain in the ass most of the time. But he's funny. And smart. And cute. And, to be honest, he's the best guy friend a girl could ever ask for. He's just about perfect."

Tori looks over at Nathan, coming back with the poop shovel. "Not interested."

I wave Nathan over to us. He tries to act cool as he says, "Hey. What's up? Mind if I sleep with you guys? I mean, uh, sleep
next to
you guys."

As he lays down his sleeping bag, head-to-head with Tori's with hope in his eyes, I tell him the truth. "Tori says you're not her type."

Tori nods to Nathan, emphasizing my statement.

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"Did you tell her I was good in bed?" he asks.

I. Can't. Believe. He. Said. That.

Tori's eyebrows go up. "You guys had
sex?
she asks me, just as Jessica lays her sleeping bag alongside ours.

Oh, man. I'm the one who's gonna need the poop shovel now for the flying bullshit about to come out of my mouth. I say a silent prayer for God to forgive me for lying. "Yeah. Nathan is better than... better than... better than eating a black olive without the pit."

Nathan looks at me as if I'm a total mashed potato. Jess shakes her head in disbelief. I couldn't think of anything else to say. I hate olives in general, so having sex with Nathan has got to be better than eating olives, with or without the pits.

Tori gives him one of her sneers. "I think I'll take a pass," she says tardy.

"Give me a chance," Nathan responds quickly.

"Why should I?"

Nathan kneels next to her and a sincere look washes over his face. "Because for some reason I've been itching to put a smile on your face since I met you."

"Nobody can do that."

"Won't you let me try?"

I see Tori's face softening. "You can try, but I guarantee it won't work."

"Ooh, I love a challenge." Nathan slides into his sleeping bag and rests his chin on his fists, facing Tori.

"Are you gonna watch me sleep?" she asks, trying to

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sound annoyed. I notice she's not sneering, which is a good sign.

"Yeah. Watching you helps me think up lyrics to my next song. After boot camp, I'll take out my guitar and sing it to you."

Tori wipes at her
eyes.
Obviously nobody's ever done anything like that for her. She needs Nathan, whether she believes it or not. And he needs her.

I look around for Miranda. She's usually with us, but we're all settled and she's nowhere to be seen. I finally see her in a deep conversation with someone a few yards away--Noah. He's smiling at her. And laughing.

I slide into my own sleeping bag (after opening it and checking for snakes and scorpions) and bring George II inside it with me. George is cold on my unshaved legs, the hard metal of the barrel reminding me where we are and why we're here. Once again I think of Avi, and what military exercises he's been pulled off base to do.

"Are you wearing your bra?" Jess whispers.

"Yeah. Aren't you?"

"The wire was poking into my side, so I took it off and shoved it to the bottom of the sleeping bag. Remind me to reach down and get it in the morning."

My bra isn't at all comfortable to sleep in, but I'm keeping it on. I put a sports bra on before we left, which I'm perfectly aware makes me look like I have a monoboob shelf in front of me. But it does the job of smashing my boobs down and together so they're not bobbing up and

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down like a buoy in Lake Michigan when we run. Bouncing boobs is not an option.

Of course, squished boobs are not the most comfortable way to sleep. But whatever. I'm smelly from not showering, I don't have my favorite pillow, the sweat between my squished boobs is itchy, and I've got a metal rifle named George II in the sleeping bag with me. The old Amy would whine and complain. The new and improved Amy sucks it up.

As I lie here sucking it up, trying to sleep but with my eyes wide open, I glance over at Tori. I see her hand sneak out to tentatively touch Nathan's. He weaves his fingers through hers without saying a word and they fall asleep holding hands.

Which only reminds me of last night, when Avi and I fell asleep holding hands.

Argh. I can't sleep. All I can think about as I look up at the twinkling stars above me is Avi.

"I can count every single rock under me," Jess whispers. "How do they expect us to sleep?"

Now that Jess mentions it, I can feel every rock
and pebble
under my own body. "Maybe if we clear out the big ones it won't be as bad," I say, reaching under my sleeping bag for the big rock sticking into my backside.

Jess whimpers as she shuffles her body around. "Ouch. Remind me never to complain about my life back in Chicago."

"And remind me to appreciate my dad more. He probably

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had to sleep like this all the time when he was an Israeli commando," I say. "But the stars are so cool. Why don't we see as many stars back home?"

"Probably because we live near civilization," Jess says.

We both stare up into the sky. Seriously, there must be billions of stars above us. After a minute, a streak shoots through the sky. It's there and gone before I know it, making me wonder if I've even seen it at all.

"Was that what I thought it was?" Jess asks.

"I saw it, too. I've never seen a shooting star before."

"Me, either. Should we make a wish?"

I wish... (I can't tell you, because then it might not come true. But I bet you can guess.)

As we're whispering, I have the sudden urge to pee. "I've got to go to the bathroom. Come with me."

"No way," Jess murmurs. "I'm not risking getting bitten by a night creature. Wait until morning."

I try to settle back in my sleeping bag. But since I'm not able to sleep, and I hear people snoring (Nathan is like his own little symphony), I take George II and decide to wander away from camp to find a perfect spot to squat. I need to find a place far enough away that I can take my panties and pants off, so I don't make them grosser than they already are.

Eventually I find a large, flat rock jutting out from the ground. Thankful for the little light the billions of stars offer and for the fact I don't have to dig a hole in order to pee, I situate half of my butt on the rock and the other half, well, you get the idea.

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As I relieve myself, I hear little pop-pop-pops in the distance. Like gunfire. "We're in Israel, on the grounds where the military does its training operations... can Avi be just a few hundred yards away? In the past, gunfire would freak me out, but now it's getting to be a familiar sound. I'm getting desensitized to it. Freaky, I know.

I must look ridiculous naked, from the waist down, sitting with half my butt on a rock and the other half hanging off--with an M16 strapped to my back while I'm intently listening to gunfire. If Avi could see me now (not that I'd let him see me pee,
ever),
he'd be proud that I'm roughing it without complaining.

If the Sayeret Tzefa trainees are on some sort of outdoor firing range doing night exercises, maybe I can say a quick goodbye to him. I'm aware it might not be the best idea, but I'm thinking positively. As I put my pants back on, I take a few steps toward the popping sounds.

When I hear more popping sounds, I hurry closer. Live ammo this close to the army base means training exercises, not war.

I've been walking for over ten minutes, praying that a snake or desert creature doesn't think I'm their midnight snack. I wish I had my headlight with me so I could see better. Despite the stars, the desert has too many scary shadows. I don't know if my eyes are playing tricks on me or if the rocks are really moving snakes and coyotes.

I climb up and over a steep hill. I think the firing range must be close, because the gunfire is getting louder.

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As I maneuver around a big boulder blocking my path, a large, strong hand clamps over my mouth.

I try to scream as loud as I can, but the hand around my mouth tightens and my attempts at screaming are useless. I'm spun around with the force of a tornado.

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Chapter 27

Brilliance and stupidity are probably as closely related as love and hate.

As I'm twirled around so fast it makes my head spin, I'm face to face with an Israeli soldier. Even with his black mask and black clothes, I know it's Avi. I can see his eyes shining through the holes in his mask. I'd know those sexy eyes anywhere.

"Amy?" he whispers.

My panic starts to subside, but my pulse is still racing frantically. "Hi," I say sheepishly. "We were sleeping in the desert somewhere over there." I point in the approximate direction of our campsite. "And I heard gunfire so I thought you might be over here doing night range shooting. I know I smell because I didn't shower today. And I have sweaty cleave from my monoboob. And my under-

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wear is full of rock dust that chafed my buttcheeks when I sat on the rock and peed. But I wanted to see you one last time before I went back to Chicago."

"First of all,
never
go toward the sound of gunfire.
Ever.
You hear me?" he says sternly.

"I hear you."

"And second--" He doesn't finish his sentence. He does curse a few times, though. Some of the words are in English, and I know some are curses in Hebrew because I've heard my dad say them on rare occasions when he's royally pissed.

I watch as Avi pushes a small button on a headset I didn't realize he was wearing. He says something in Hebrew. I can't hear the response, because the receiver must be some kind of earpiece in his ear.

"So I guess you're not doing range exercises, huh?"

He shakes his head.

"Running exercises?"

He shakes his head. "Amy, I hate to break the news to you but you've just entered military war games."

"War games? With real guns?"

"With real
paintball
guns." He picks up his rifle and shows me the gadget attached to it, which turned the gun into a paintball gun. "It's dangerous. I'm taking you back."

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to say goodbye to you. It was an innocent mistake."

"All of your mistakes are innocent, and yet they still get you in loads of trouble. Come on," he orders. He talks

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into his headset again as he leads me back up the mountain. He groans into the microphone, then turns to me. "I just got word from Nimrod that Ori got captured. He did manage to hide his weapon right before they got him."

"What does that mean?"

He winces, obviously pissed at this new predicament. "It means I can't take you back, not now."

"I'll go back myself, then."

"When the other team sees you walking up the mountain, it'll give away my location. I can't let you do that. It could jeopardize my team." After making me put on his vest for protection, he motions for me to follow him.

"When will this exercise be over?" I whisper.

He gives a short laugh. "When one team wins and the opposing team members are either dead or captured. Dead meaning paintball dead... not real dead."

"Oh," I say, grateful for the elaboration.

Avi leads me over the rough terrain. I slip every once in a while because my high tops aren't exactly made for mountain climbing... or war games, for that matter. Avi is moving quickly, holding my hand so I don't fall on my ass.

"Get down," he mouths, motioning for me to lay on the ground next to him and stay silent. "Stay here." He crawls away, and is back in less than a minute. He takes my M16 away and hands me another one. "This is Oris. It's loaded with paintballs. They're dangerous, so don't shoot at close range and don't shoot unless fired upon."

"Don't worry." I might be a Jewish warrior woman,

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