How to Save a Life (21 page)

“Sheridan, don’t be silly. I would be more than happy to take you to your dad."

Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked up at him, but they weren’t for the reasons that Mike was probably thinking. I was absolutely grateful that he volunteered to take me, but I didn’t really know how to explain to him certain aspects of my life.

Mike

Sheridan was seriously worrying me. After she relentlessly tried and then failed at talking me out of taking her to see her father in the hospital, she had completely shut down. Walking in to see her in the middle of a panic attack, it definitely scared the shit out of me. But instantly my paramedic training kicked in and I made her relax and soothingly talked her through it. It was incredibly nice to hold her in my arms once again, even though she wasn’t physically aware of it. It was a stomp on the foot once she darted up off of my lap.

We were now right outside of Atlanta with almost two hours to go. She apparently grew up about four hours east of Brown County in an even smaller town, but now her parents lived even further away from Atlanta.

I almost wondered if she thought that we would run into Pate, but I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility since he lived nowhere near them now.

Sheridan didn’t have much information to go on just that her father had a heart attack and with his underlying heart condition any more abuse on his heart couldn’t be good news.

I spared a glance her way to see her biting her nails again, telling me that she was nervous, but this time she had added a slight rocking motion to where she wasn’t still in her seat.

I couldn’t stand the silent treatment any longer, I pounded my fists on the steering wheel and yelled out the first thing that came to mind. “Why did you leave me last night?"

She stopped her rocking and took her fingers away from her mouth and just stared at me incredulously. She began fidgeting even more as she averted her gaze from mine. And just when I thought that she wasn’t going to say anything, she started explaining. “Listen, I had an incredible time with you last night," I felt a glimmer of hope spark within my chest, until she said the inevitable ending word, “but… I just figured that it would be awkward for us if I had stayed." Shrugging her shoulders as if it wasn’t any big deal.

I knew she was lying, I could just tell by her failure to meet my eyes even for a split second when I sparred a moment to look from the road.

“Awkward for who, you? Because it wouldn’t have been the least bit awkward for me. I know I said just one night, but I believe that last night proved that we could be amazing together, if you would just let it. I haven’t opened my heart to anyone in many years, so you have to know that I’m not just throwing this around. All of these feelings aren’t usual for me. And I…really care about you, Sheridan." I tried to grab for her hand that was resting upon her lap, but she moved it at the last moment.

“Mike, you wouldn’t be saying those things if you knew…" She trailed off apparently expecting me to fill in the blanks. I wasn’t a fucking mind reader.

“If I knew what?! Just fucking tell me already Sheridan!" I knew I had been a bit too harsh when I saw a single tear slide down her cheek and she turned to where she was looking out the window at the world passing by.

We rushed into the hospital after parking my truck and she quickly bypassed the information desk as if she knew exactly where she was going. Her mother must have told her the room number because she didn’t stop until she was right outside of a hospital room.

“Ok, thank you for bringing me here, Mike." She continued to fiddle with her hands and she still wouldn’t look at me but kept looking at the closed door to the private room.

“Sheridan, I’m not going anywhere," I went to place my hand under her chin to get her to look at me but a look of pure fear came over her face as the door to the hospital room opened.

A woman who appeared to be in her middle fifties appeared in the doorway and she was the spitting image of Sheridan, just a little older and with graying hair.

“Sheridan, honey I thought that I heard your voice out here."

The fearful look on Sheridan’s face had yet to dissipate and I was seriously beginning to wonder what in the world she had to be afraid of. A few seconds later, I had my answer. And that fucking answer hit me square in the solar plexus, knocking the wind completely out of me.

A set of tiny fingers grasped the bottom of the heavy wooden door and started opening it once again. And a little raven haired boy with amazing green eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses appeared.

He stared up at me before looking towards Sheridan and breaking out into a humungous grin.

Those eyes and that hair. I fucking knew those eyes.

I looked at Sheridan and she gave me a worried grin as she slumped her shoulders.

If it wasn’t confirmed by just the looks of the little boy, the moment when he screeched, “Mommy!" and jumped into her outstretched arms did.

My heart immediately sank and I stumbled back a step as if I had been hit square in the chest as the entirety of the situation hit me head on.
This
was what she was hiding? It wasn’t just a
something
it was a fucking
someone!
Sheridan had a
son
and didn’t tell me. She didn’t tell
me.
Here I had been falling in love with a woman who now seemed like a complete stranger to me, all in the blink of an eye.

What in the actual fuck?

I yanked my hat off of my head, my constant reminder of what I had lost in my life and drug my now sweaty hand through my hair, tugging on the ends. Pain was what I needed to feel instead of this constant despair. I wondered if I could find a concrete wall to punch, hell I was in a hospital full of them. But somewhere in the recesses of my mind I thought it would be frowned upon especially for a paramedic to punch a wall within a hospital.

I jerked my body away from the group not even caring that I came off as a complete and utter asshole to Sheridan’s mom and started retreating back down the corridor in which we just came through moments earlier. This wasn’t something you kept from someone.

My steps were hasty and if it seemed like I was stomping like a kid who didn’t get their way, then that was too fucking bad.

The pressure from a hand on my shoulder had me immediately swinging around. I was incredibly defensive and I dared anyone to mess with me especially now.

Sheridan looked distraught and for a moment I was glad that she looked how I felt. Shifting from foot to foot, the guilt seeped from her pores.

“I’m sorry, Mike."

That was it? That was all she had to say to me?

I stared at the woman who I now regretfully loved and I honestly didn’t know who she was anymore. I was waiting for a further explanation that apparently wasn’t coming.

“You’re sorry? What are you sorry that you didn’t tell me you had a son, or you’re sorry that I found out?"

“His name is Benjamin," she twisted her hands together and turned to look back down the hall at the little boy who was still waiting for her. “The reasoning that I never mentioned him is
my
business." She pointed to her chest and tears were now welling up in her eyes and her voice cracked when she spoke. “I tried to stay away from you, I tried not to get close because of this very reason. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt."

“You didn’t want anyone to get hurt?" I responded sarcastically. This whole situation was beyond disbelief. “Well, how is that working out for you?"

She gasped and I could tell that I had her exactly where I wanted to. I hoped that the knife was putting enough pressure on her heart just as it was mine.

“I’ll get you a bus ticket back to Brown County, I’ll be going out of town for a few days. In the meantime, I want your shit out of my house!" I yelled sternly, cutting my hand through the air trying to make a point that she messed with the wrong man, and not even giving a shit that my voice was carrying down the hallway.

My hardened exterior was quickly put back in place as I left Sheridan and my empty heart behind in that hospital hallway.

I failed myself and my original vow. Why had I volunteered to take in a raven haired goddess who ended up being exactly what I had speculated. A man-eater.

I really didn’t know where I was going to end up until I was on the outskirts of Wentzville, the suburb of St. Louis where I grew up.

I knew what I needed to do, but I really didn’t know if I would be welcome in my parents’ home. I hadn’t been back or barely even spoken to my father in the three and a half years it’d been since I’d moved to Brown County.

Things hadn’t changed much as I navigated my way around town. I stopped by Jameson Auto first to see if my dad was piddling around under the hood of a vehicle but what I saw was a closed shop. And by the looks of it, it had been vacant for some time now.

I jumped down out of my truck and walked around the lot, kicking stray rocks with my boot that inhabited the place. Piles of used, worn out tires cluttered the parking lot and weeds had grown up through the cracks in the pavement. There were cracks in the concrete?! My dad wouldn’t ever fail on the upkeep of the shop, it was his pride and joy. He loved being here and being able to help fix everyone’s vehicles. My dad liked being depended on, thrived from it actually.

What had happened to the shop? It worried me that my dad never tried to contact me to let me know about the status of the shop. But then again I never ever really gave him the resources to be able to contact me. What kind of son have I been to not even let my own father know where I lived? The kind that was shutting everyone and everything out.

Pulling up in front of my childhood home nothing really seemed amiss on this aspect. The yard was neatly trimmed with colorful flowers filling all of the beds, just like my ma had it every year.

Sitting in my truck just looking at the place that was always home up until the last several years, the dread of my father’s reaction to my being here was gnawing at me. It was almost to the point where I just wanted to take off and not even show my shameful face to him, but I had already trekked this far, might as well face the music sometime or another.

Just when I was going to stall myself for a few more minutes, not being able to muster up the courage to even connect my knuckles to the door, I looked back up at the front porch to see my father leaning against the railing that attached to the house, arms crossed in front of his chest with his stern, parent-like expression on his face. It was the face that I remembered getting whenever I was in trouble, which didn’t happen all that often growing up. But whenever I was on the receiving end of that look I knew not to mess around.

I took a deep breath and let it out hoping that it would alleviate some of my nerves, but if anything it just made it worse. I couldn’t believe that here I was a grown ass man and I was afraid of what my father would say to me.

I pulled the bill to my ball cap down, lowering it over my face so my dad couldn’t see all of the dishonorable guilt that consumed me and got out of my truck, with slow movements.
Why had I waited so long to come back here?