I Am Alive (19 page)

“But you said—”

“Oh, you’re taking my word for it now?” Timmy interrupts me. “I’ll leave this between you and Leo. All night long, you’ll have to push him to admit what he did — if he did. I love my job.” He pulls two hands into a fist.

“Welcome to the Playa,” Vern says to Woodsy. “From now on, you won’t have time to catch your breath.”

“Okay,” I tell Timmy. “I am not going to whine and ask you to show the recording. Just promise me, my family is all right.”

“No, they aren’t,” says Timmy.

“How dare you? I shot Orin eventually, and we entertained all of you like you have never dreamed of.” I talk to the nearest camera, hoping the audience will help me.

“Your family is not all right, because you don’t have a family anymore,” says Timmy bluntly. “That was the deal. As for those you once used to call family, they are perfectly all right.”

I let out a sigh, one that comforts me and hurts at the same time. I’ve saved my family by declaring I am not one of them. What matters is that they are all right, and that my actions will not affect them anymore.

As for me, I am on my own now. As Leo said, this is the time when I have to grow up.

Timmy announces the end for today, although the audience wants more. Timmy convinces them that we, the Monsters, need to catch our breath so tomorrow’s game won’t be boring. How thoughtful.

What more can he ask for? All that fame and success, and ten members guaranteed to show up for the games tomorrow.

“I still have a question—” I raise my hand at the camera.

“Not again.” Leo’s face knots, as he grabs my arm. “I told you I didn’t kiss you.”

“Who said I have a question about you?” I look at him and pull his hand away. “How about food?” I ask Timmy. “Can’t you see we’re starving here?” I say. Leo looks embarrassed. “A girl needs to eat, you know.” I grin at Leo. “It’s not all blood and kissing.”

“Woodsy has two bags full of snacks,” says Timmy. “That will do until tomorrow, because tomorrow is going to be really meaty. Really meaty.” Timmy stops for an effect, and raises his hands. “Tomorrow we have our favorite part of the game. Carnivore!”

The audience complains to Timmy that as much as they love the Carnivore part, they hate it too, because they don’t get to see the real action in the white surroundings. They complain that all they do is watch the white Monsterium with vague movements, until they see the red blood on the sand and know that the game is over.

“Don’t worry, Faya,” says Timmy. “I promise you. We’ve fixed that. Tomorrow’s game has slight changes, and you will love it.”

I don’t want to hear about Carnivore now. I don’t want to know if Leo kissed me. All I care about is that I am starving.

We stare back at Woodsy, as if he is food himself. “Where is the damn food?”

After we take the Monorail back through the tunnel, we settle in the forest, emptying Woodsy Brown’s bags full of canned food, drinks, and candy. It turns out the bags were Woodsy’s idea, not the Summit’s.

“How come there are no animals in this forest?” wonders Woodsy.

I turn to Leo. Although I don’t want to talk to him, he must have an idea. Leo’s story still doesn’t make sense to me, let alone his behavior. I am still not sure if he did kiss me in the Breathing Dome. I can’t hide it. I’d be happy if he did, but his distance and secrecy are intolerable.

That would have been the strangest first kiss ever.

“I don’t know,” says Leo. “We haven’t been into the heart of the forest. If there are animals, and they aren’t hungry and dangerous, they must be hiding from us.”

If there are animals, that would be where Woo is hiding.

“I doubt the forest is inhabited in any shape or form,” says Bellona. “The Summit would be giving us hope to survive in the Playa. We could hunt and eat animals and stay here forever, hiding from them. This Dizny Battlefield is an abandoned place with only deadly toys to play with, like a haunted house in one of those old horror movies.”

“But there was that incident in the fifth Monster Show when people from the Breakfast Club had snuck into the battlefields with buckets full of planting seeds, and ten pairs of animals,” Pepper, the educated, claims. “Like Noah's ark, you know? The animals were never caught though.”

“The animals could have easily died,” says Vern. “There is nothing to feed on here. I think it was a foolish attempt from the Breakfast Club.”

“How do you know that stuff?” Bellona asks Pepper. “You were what, eleven, in the fifth games?”

“We’re taught everything about the games from the day we’re born,” Woodsy says, holding Pepper’s hand. “We were taught that this is our fate, written on a stone called the Rosetta Stone, in the highest place of the Royal Tower, where Prophet Xitler lives.”

Leo puffs again, gritting his teeth, and looking upward at the night sky. “God help me not to kill myself,” he prays.

“Calm down,” Bellona laughs. “My guess is that the Rosetta Stone is the name of something so different from what they said it was, and has a greater purpose, and its history has been altered by Prophet Xitler. Right?”

“You’re damn right,” says Leo.

“Since we don’t ask you how you know all of this, or where you were the last four years, or what you’re really doing here in the games, please stop complaining,” says Bellona.

I would have said that myself to Leo, but I am not talking to him.

“I am here because I am being punished.” Leo shrugs his shoulders, sounding defensive, which he never does. “I tried to escape Faya, but I never did. I hid here and there, homeless on the streets, never knowing how to escape. Finally, I decided I’d better surrender myself to the authorities, and declare that I was wrong for singing the song. I had to do it to survive, since I couldn’t find help, being banned and on my own. So when I did, Xitler decided to send me to the games as punishment. That’s why I am here.”

The one obvious thing that proves to me that Leo is lying is how long his speech is. He barely says a couple of sentences at a time. I don’t think any of us believe him, but we won’t push it. We trust him, and he does protect us. Whatever secret reason he has to attend the games, we will deal with later, if we stay alive.

Everyone has his own secrets. No one knows that I switched the iAm.

“So what’s the name of the faction you and Woodsy come from?” I ask Pepper.

“We don’t have a name,” Pepper says nonchalantly. “Why would we? We’re losers. You might as well call us Zero. Can’t you see my name is Pepper? I come from a place where you could be called pepper or salt. It doesn’t matter, really. You’re an add-on to the main dish, after all.”

I don’t want to go there again with Pepper, now that she has found true love. I guess she can’t escape the things she was told when she was younger.

“By the way,” I say, trying to divert from where the conversation is going. “I think I saw someone the other day in the forest.”

“Someone?” Bellona wonders.

“A little girl, about seven years old.”

“That’s impossible,” says Pepper. “All players are sixteen. If, hypothetically, someone survived and lived down here, they would be older than us.”

“How would someone survive when we have to say ‘I am alive?’” Vern asks.

“You can just pretend you died, and not say anything,” Bellona suggests. “Then hide in the forest.”

That’s exactly what I hope Woo did.

“And do what?” Vern asks. “That’s not an option. It’s just a slower death. There is no way to escape this place, and no way to survive in it.”

“How about the Rabbit Hole? The real one?” Bellona reminds him.

“I don’t believe in that crap. It was just a joke that went viral on the gaming network,” says Vern. “You’ve seen for yourself, the only Rabbit Hole we know of was in the game today. There is no way out of here, and I can prove it.”

“How?” I wonder.

“Would you agree to pretend we’re dead tomorrow, and not reply to the iAm saying ‘I am alive?’” he asks.

Silently, we exchange looks. What a crazy idea. No. They won’t do it, of course.

But Woo did. Right? He told me he would do it. Otherwise, my being here has no meaning at all.

“See.” Vern looks disappointed, as if he wished we’d said yes. He would have preferred it if there were a way out of here. But there is none. “There’s no Rabbit Hole.”

“I guess you’re right,” I lie. I know I saw someone in the forest, but Vern made his point, and I don’t want to expose myself. I am supposed to find Woo secretly. “I must have been tired and hallucinating.”

“I agree.” Leo breaks his silence. What? You agree? Although I doubt there is a Rabbit Hole, I have been counting on Leo claiming there is one. “I don’t care about the Rabbit Hole anymore. I think we have something better than that,” he says.

“We have?” Vern wonders with a mouthful of beans.

“We have each other.” Leo scans us with his eyes. “When I first came here, I thought I was the only one who could fight and survive this. In two days, I’ve learned otherwise. I’ve seen how courageous everyone is. I think we have another alternative than the Rabbit Hole. I think — no — I know we can survive tomorrow. It’s the last game, anyways. If only one of us survives, it will be like we all have.”

Vern spits the beans out of his mouth. Pepper and Woodsy stare at each other. Bellona and I too. The rest scratch their heads. What a moment: Leo, the walking killing machine, telling us that we can make it.

“So, why did you confess your love for Pepper?” I ask Woodsy, changing subjects again, and stopping Leo from elaborating. He doesn’t usually speak much. If I let him, he will most probably say something stupid. Let’s sleep tonight believing we can make it tomorrow. “Why now?”

“We’ve always loved each other,” says Woodsy. “But since our parents told us repeatedly that it was our fate to become outranked in favor of the rest of society, Pepper never saw the point in us. Sooner or later, we’d find ourselves in the games, and we wouldn’t be able to survive it.”

“So on Ranking Day, he insisted that he might have a chance,” Pepper takes over. “He bragged about his endurance and strength, and I made fun of him.”

“I was almost sure,” confirms Woodsy. “For two years before the games, I was monitoring my iAm. My results were so bad, grades in school, IQ, sleep disorder, everything. But I was great in the area of strength. When I was only ten, I could climb up ten flights of stairs with a fifty pound sack full of sand on my back. I could just keep doing this all day. My father was a builder, and I used to help him. I guess that’s how I got my strength.”

“Then when I was outranked, and he was ranked a Five,” says Pepper. “There was nothing we could do. However, Woodsy told me that if this happened, he would ask to be outranked to be with me, under one condition.”

“That she starts to have faith, to have hope, to believe that we can make it together,” says Woodsy.

Of course, Pepper wasn’t that person. I could have died myself listening to her negative views yesterday.

“Faith?” asks Vern. “I don’t know what that means. Is that when you’re out of ammo in the game, but you still keep pushing the fire button? Because it never worked out with me — you see, I heard that—”

“We’re not really going to tell you what faith is. Eat more beans. You’ll need it for tomorrow,” Bellona cuts in, being military-harsh with Vern. He can be a drag sometimes, I admit. “So what changed today?” Bellona asks Woodsy.

“I saw how she did her best to save Vern,” says Woodsy. Vern tries to hide his face behind the can of beans. He certainly doesn’t know what faith is. All he cares about is food. “No one goes so far as to save someone else, if they didn’t have it inside. A big dose of hidden will and faith. What she did today was pure awesome sauce.”

I grab a chocolate from the bag, and stare at it. It seems strange eating chocolate in these circumstances, but Woodsy’s words need some silent celebration. We made it today. One way or the other. And I want to have faith in tomorrow. I lean back against a solitary tree, a little bit away from the fire, and decide to treat myself to a private moment with that delicious chocolate bar, rewarding myself for surviving the second day of the games. Just like I did three mornings every week on the beach behind our house. This reminds me of Mom again — who is legally not my mom anymore.

Don’t have too much fun. You’re a —

I am a Monster now, Mom. Haha. I should laugh at this. That was in the past, Mom. The past was only two days ago, when I chose to hide in the shadows, in between the corridors of my school, walking like a living dead corpse, hoping for a Seven. No, pleading for a Seven.

No, Mom. I will have as much fun as I can. I will embrace life and cherish each moment, as long as I know that I stand for what I believe in. And as long as I am a part of something, and think of others as much as I think of myself. I will have fun.

I might not find Woo, and I might die foolishly, but the experience here is worth it. One day alive is better than thousands of days pretending.

I let the chocolate slide into my mouth so slowly, I feel hypnotized. I feel its taste on my tongue, melting like a slow song with a good chorus and a brilliant singer. Never has a chocolate blessed me with such a feeling before. Today it’s different. Its taste feels deserved.

After I indulge the taste fully, I open my eyes, and look back into the forest. There is someone in there. That girl is looking back at me from behind the bushes.

“Hey!” I stand up and start following her.

When I reach the bushes, she is gone again. It's too dark to see behind those bushes, away from the fire. I call for her one more time, touching the white ring on my finger, the one I found before. I think it buzzes slightly again. Or maybe not.

Leo’s flashlight shines on me from behind.

“What did you see?” asks Leo, resting one hand gently on my shoulder. I pretend that I so don’t like his touch. I pretend.

“The girl I told you about. She was watching us.”

“Do you want to go look for her?” His voice is too gentle to be Leo.

“So you believe me?”

“Of course I do,” he says. “I was only concerned that searching deeper into the forest could open up Hell’s gate. We need to rest. We have a big day tomorrow.”